Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Ran across a funny picture so here is the link for it.

I believe the caption might say something like this, "What do you MEAN your going to FIX me? [}:)] [8D] [;)]

Better him than me lol [:o)]

http://www.top-greetings.com/N.py?P=20031103

[vsmith]

QUOTE:
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of
inquisitive idiots.

As Mr Garrison and Mr Hat say on South Park...

Cartman, " Mr Garrison, can I ask a stupid question?"

"Well, Eric, you know what I always say 'There are no stupid questions, just stupid people',"

[Anonymous]

It is time once again for . . . HUMP . . . DAY . . . HELPERS yeah raw [:D] [:o)]


Daily Thoughts

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are
a cheese." Billie Burke

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of
inquisitive idiots.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that
count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

[Anonymous]

It's not the first "idiot gets arm stuck in toilet" story either....just the first on an MN train. Some prisoner did something like that a few months ago.....some cellmate told him about a guy getting his arm stuck, and he said "that can't happen"......so the idiot had to prove how impossible it was.....and he got stuck. In his case though they only needed an air chisel.

~Ra'akone

[vsmith]

Just read this one on the newswire page, had to share it...

Can you hear me now?

NEW YORK CITY – It had to happen eventually: Someone riding a train, in this case, a Metro-North commuter train last Wednesday night, dropped his cell phone into a toilet and for whatever reason, decided to stick his hand in to retrieve it. Not grossed out, yet? Well, the rider got his arm stuck.

Rider Edwin Gallart’s fishing expedition on the 6:19 p.m. Harlem line local out of Grand Central Terminal caused the conductor to have a supervisor come aboard at the next stop, but not even the power of middle management could extract the problem. A rescue crew boarded a few stops farther up the line and halted the train. Firefighters had to use the Jaws of Life and power tools to cut through the toilet, which had to be torn out of the lavatory before being cut open to free Gallart’s arm. Passengers either had to wait for the rescue to be completed or take other trains to their final destinations.

The phone? It never was found. Even if it was, would you ever want to use it again?

[zardoz]

Witticisms by George Carlin

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11) Is there another word for synonym?

12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23) How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"

24) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26) What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heehee I'm back...

[dharmon]

Whenever our server gets busy at work, the internet access is the first thing to start going for some reason. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for what it does, but I can go to the last post, but not forum topics, but I can get to the topic on the Model Railroader page, but not open any threads. I can go to ESPN, but not open any stories. Just very frustrating. 15 years ago the squadron I was in had 2 computers, and you had to go to a special class to use them..... now, if I can't get to the Trains internet site (instead of say actually working) I complain.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

I knew it! I did a little nip on cats....[:D] and now I'm having problems accessing anything but the last post...I can go anywhere on the site but to forum index.....only the last post.........It's the curse of the Mook. I told him not to do it......now I'm cursed, banished to forum purgatory.[:(][xx(]

Cats are good, cats are great...
I'll keep them off the humor plate,
I won't use them to chock a plane,
Not in the rain, or in Spain,
or on a train,
I will not blaspheme cats or mook,
now give me access back to root (directory).....[B)]

Mookie has this under consideration - check back in about spring 04.

[Anonymous]

And now for our next edition of the humor thread paper . . .

We seem to be on a roll with animals, now here come the mice and deer . . .

don't forget to put on your hunter orange before reading the last one . . . . . . .



Hi All..Just a quick note to wish ya'll a great week
and tell you about a couple of household products I
bought over the weekend. They might just make your
daily life a bit easier too.

First is a "Varmit B-Gone" box that you plug into an
electric socket in your kitchen. It sends out a hi
pitched sound that only varmits can hear (well, with
the exception of my cousin Jethro) and they don't like
it so much they never come in your house agin'. My
sister Bertha has had one for over a year now, and
says she hasn't seen any varmits except for the dozen
or so deaf field mice she's found in her kitchen who
can't hear it.

The second thing I bought is just in time for the deer
season here in Arkansas. It is a thing you put on the
front of your car that repels deer. It makes a sound
as you are drivingthat keeps them from running in
front of you and hitting your car..The only thing you
have to be real careful of is make sure you don't put
it on your car backwards. My brother Homer put his on
his car and went for a long drive down country roads
to check it out. He didn't see no deer but when he
pulled into his driveway when he got back, he noticed
that 24 deer had followed him home.



Now I am selling these "items" for $99.95 and I am sure the demand (by the deer hunters) is going to be great. So make that check out to me and send it real quick, I am certain to sell out really fast and you know you just gotta have it.

[adrianspeeder]

Jim, OUCH

Adrianspeeder

[dharmon]

I knew it! I did a little nip on cats....[:D] and now I'm having problems accessing anything but the last post...I can go anywhere on the site but to forum index.....only the last post.........It's the curse of the Mook. I told him not to do it......now I'm cursed, banished to forum purgatory.[:(][xx(]

Cats are good, cats are great...
I'll keep them off the humor plate,
I won't use them to chock a plane,
Not in the rain, or in Spain,
or on a train,
I will not blaspheme cats or mook,
now give me access back to root (directory).....[B)]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Whew!!!!! Cause I love cats too....[}:)]......they make great aircraft chocks....[:D][:D][:D]

HISS!!!!!! May one of those chocks bite you on the ankle!

Mz Mookie!!!!!

[dharmon]

Whew!!!!! Cause I love cats too....[}:)]......they make great aircraft chocks....[:D][:D][:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

Jim,

If you start the cat thing. I will be forced, obligated even to join in.....we've had enough on the left coast lately and I don't need MlaM setting anymore fires. So stop, right now. [:)]

Dan [8D]

Since I wouln't want to "start" anything I will try (some anyway) to avoid the feline jokes. I will go "on the wagon" ha ha, and not one pulled by our house pets. [:p]

I have seen Mookie called and referred to by several names but fortunately arsonist isn't one of them. Therefore, I don't believe you have anything to worry about from she or me.

It looks like I have dodged a bullet with this one. Mikey likes it and so do Da Mook.

Now since this IS Monday I must begin getting ready for work ( that nasty four letter word).

Until later, as Joe would say, stay safe ( and watch out for the firetrucks). [:D] [:D] [:D]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

Jim,

If you start the cat thing. I will be forced, obligated even to join in.....we've had enough on the left coast lately and I don't need MlaM setting anymore fires. So stop, right now. [:)]

Fortunately, M la Moo found some humor in this and wants to explain she doesn't have to walk bow-legged like some of her feline counterparts!

MLM

[JoeKoh]

Meow![:)]
found in the church bulletin

22 people attended the special meeting at mrs smiths house.Mrs smith and Mrs potter sang a duet the lord knows why.

Just a reminder Pastor is on vacation this week but the secratary will be here to take massages.

the ladies bible study will be 10 am thursday.Lunch will be served when the B.S. is done.
enjoy your day![8D]
stay safe
Joe

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

Jim,

If you start the cat thing. I will be forced, obligated even to join in.....we've had enough on the left coast lately and I don't need MlaM setting anymore fires. So stop, right now. [:)]

[Anonymous]

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

[brilondon]

There was this cockney gentleman who was not very religious, who was trying to decide whom he should merry. He had a choice of two very beautiful women. One of the women was a beautiful blonde named Sandra. The other woman was and equally stunning brunette named Maria. He was so lost he thought that he would go and see what the Lord would tell him who he should merry. He went into this Cathedral. Inside, he saw this huge cross. It told him to 'ave Maria.

[Anonymous]

A little more humor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San
Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the
dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and
was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all
conversations at the hospital.

Agent: I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the
front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to
the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas
and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
front doors locked.

Pizza Man: You must be crazy!

*Click*

[Anonymous]

LOL Jim, that was Quite Funny!!

Actually, i did that to one fo my friends when they got on the train. I asked him to see his ticket, and he showed it to me, I crumpled it up in front of him and threw it out the window and told him his ticket was no good, WHY you say? For absolutely NO reason whatsoever..

Pitty, he spent 5.75 on the damn thing too!

I told him that if the inspectors decided to pop up from underneith their cardboard box, that i'd tell them he was with me, So it was all good!

He STILL spent 5.75 for nothing!! HAHAHA!!
I'm so cruel...

(p.s. 550 posts)

[JoeKoh]

heres a couple for Tuesday(election day)
the shortest distance between two jokes is a perfect speech
and you'll never know how dirty your hands are until you peel a hardboiled egg or enter politics,please remember to vote
stay safe
joe

[zardoz]

jhhtrainsplanes-

Thanks, Jim, for the [:D][:D], you brightened up an otherwise gloomy Sunday morning.

[Anonymous]

I posted this one in another thread a couple of months ago. I just ran across it and thought I would import it into this thread.




Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked!

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!"
ever again.

[Anonymous]

A few more from Joe [:)]



zardoz . . . . . . this one is for you . . . . . . . enjoy . . . . .



Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch
as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever
with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Anonymous]

I have to give credit to Joe for sending me these, Thanks Joe. [:)]



After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the
kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out,
"Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or
sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an
interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the
only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"



All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.
Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

[Anonymous]

The rest of the . . . one-liners [8D]



13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Don't blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

zardoz [:p] [:)] [;)]

Sometimes ya just gotta let it all out. [:o)] [:I] [8)] [:X] [^] [:0] [B)] [:p] [:)]

Now there, feel better now ? lol [:D] [:D] [:D]

Yes I do. Thanks,[:D]

[brilondon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

WOW LOL....

Hey what is a vesectomy anyways??









I'm kidding..

I think its something women made up to make men calmer and more obedient. Maybe I am thinking of someting else.

[Anonymous]

Some one-liners for the Finally Friday edition . . .





1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12.What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.