Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[edblysard]

You Go Girl!

[xtrack42]

First post - Here's a lesson in management for you!


TWO MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

LESSON ONE
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
MANAGEMENT LESSON
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

LESSON TWO
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
MANAGEMENT LESSON
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

LESSON THREE

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there, in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.
MANAGEMENT LESSON
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THIS ENDS YOUR TWO MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[jchnhtfd]

Kevin's lady -- I love it!

[Anonymous]

I Couldn't figure out where else to post this, or to post anything i'm about to write, so I chose Jim's Comedy thread, and my oh my I do like this thread. You'll all be glad to know that Kevin, Is up north for a few days doing God-knows-what, but one thing I can tell you, theres no computers up there, and there might not even be any power! Seeing as i'm a female, i'm telling you right now, My brain is nothing like that obscure drawing! For example, i'll give you how my brain and the "typical" female brain differ from each other:

A) I think the "SHOES" section is a little small, I mean for goodness sakes, I have at least 25 pairs of shoes (not kidding) and for some reason every time I buy a new pair of shoes, Kevin slaps his head then drags his hand over his face from top to bottom, but he never says a word, smart move on his part!

B) I hate Melrose Place! what a terrible show! It should rightfully be "Dawson's Creek" memory bank. Doies anyone have any clue why Kevin would utterly hate such a good show? Every time he sees me watching he always imitates a new your accent while saying "OH brother!" mind you, it sounds more like "oh Bro-y-ther"

C) I used to hate toilet cleaning, so that is the right sieze. That all changed when Kevin spoke to one of the maintenance men who works at one of the train stations, and he brough home this industrial strength detergent called "TG-17" this stuff will burn your hair in your nose, i'm sure it's completely illegal, and if the pipes could, they would go on strike.. Why am I telling you this, I'm a Woman, therefore i'm allowed.

D) If you've guessed, I think the "Talk" section should occupy about 25% more space then it already does. I like to talk a lot a lot, so much that i've forgotten my entire point..

Uhhh... ummmmm

Ed may have already known this, but Kevin is the ultimate prankster. His spelling is so bad it often takes away from the pranks, yet it's funny..

One time from a pay phone he tried to make a prank call to Thailand and said this to the operator:

"Operator get me Thailand! Thats T - I .. uhh.. and so forth"
Trust me, i didn't stop laughing the whole night.

i'm not sure if i'm making that joke clear.. the T and I is Kevin's horrible attempt to spell Thailand.

see I got carried away again, and I know I had a point. Look i also made it really easy on you by putting everything I write in bright Red, thats about all I know how to do on here but hey it works!

i'm trying to think of a way to sign this, uhhh i'll sign it:

ME!!!!!!

(p.s Sorry for making you all waste your time reading this)

[Anonymous]

A few funnies for our Sunday humor paper. [:D]


These are food for thought. Don't eat too much and don't think on them too long. [8D]



Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn in to something acceptable to have dinner with. (This had to be written by a women.)


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool,
England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)




Banging your head against a wall uses 150
calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)



The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can
pull 30 times its own weight and always falls
over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the
govt. pay for this research??)



Butterflies taste with their feet.
(YUK!!)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.) [:D]



Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too) [:D] [:p] [}:)] [B)] [:D]




And, the best for last..! ... Turtles can
breathe through their butts.

(And you think some people have bad breath!) [:)] [B)] [:0] [^]

[Anonymous]

Locomutt [^]

Yes, that one is deep. It kinda leaves you in awe, awe of an awesome God. [:)]

[locomutt]

jhhtrainsplanes

That one is a little to deep for this morning.
Deep,but true[^]

locomutt[8D]















6]

[Anonymous]

OK, now it is Sunday. I have a special link for today that is very appropriate for this day. This is not funny. It is serious and hopefully will leave you in a "thinking" mode.

Enjoy it and this day that God has made. [^]



http://www.funone.com/funpages/view.cfm/670

[Anonymous]

Hey Mikey [:)] [:p]

You got the guys covered. [:)] You got the ladies covered [8)] But you forgot one covering. [B)] You know the one for "the other". [B)] The group that includes Michael Jackson. [:0] Big can of worms opened now. [8] Mookie, Ed grab those fishing poles. [:D]

[Mikeygaw]

here's a good set of pics for both the guys http://www.computerpranks.com/download/images/femalebrain.gif

and the gals
http://www.computerpranks.com/download/images/malebrain.gif

[JoeKoh]

Jim
when someone fiqures that out they will be one rich person!!!
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

Here is another one for a little extra humor today. [:)] This one kinda leaves you . . . auh . . . . . hmmm . . . . . ohhh . . . . . well you will see [:p]


http://www.flowgo.com/flowgo2_view.cfm?page_id=20722

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . is here. [:p]

Time for some more good "stuff". [:)]

http://www.send4fun.com/funpages/view.cfm/655

[Puckdropper]

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however wrote the following:

"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what
rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I
think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will
not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay
constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over."

[Anonymous]

HAAHAHAHAHA!!!
i have a quick joke

A guy walks into a bar....






After rubbing his head he exclaims, Who the Hell left that there?

[Trainnut484]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

OK, another pic for today. [:)] Something tells me this one WON'T make Bergie's Pic of the Day. [:D]

Did someone call a plummer? [:D]

DON'T LOOK ETHYL. [:D] [}:)] [8D] [;)]

HERE WE GO . . . . . .

http://www.top-greetings.com/N.py?P=20031117

Ethyl YOU LOOKED. [8D]

Hey Jim,

That picture would "crack" up some people LOL.

Sorry I couldn't resist

Take care

Russell

[JoeKoh]

ok the big game is tommorow
it is reported that lyoyd carr will be dressing 50 players for the michigan game.the rest of the team will have to get dressed by themselves.
GO BUCKEYES
stay safe
Joe

[locomutt]

If I were to invest twice as much in the 401keg plan,
would it be known as an 802k? If so I might be
interested. Someone please let me know.

My recycler says to keep him informed also.

locomutt

[Anonymous]

WOW

Dan is on the ball! I really can't plead the fifth because i'm Canadian..

Oh well, this site is American based SO technically i was typing those things in America!

SO I Can plead the fifth!

So does my obscure view on justice fly?

[Anonymous]

And now the day that everyone is waiting for -- F R I D A Y. [8D] [:)] [;)] So that mean this is the . . . . . Finally Friday edition of our humor thread paper. yea, yea. [:D]



Three Hunters:

Three hunters in the north woods entered a little
cabin where they found shelter and something to eat.
The cabin was ordinary except thatthe stove was
suspended from the rafters by a series of wires. This
odd arrangement became the object of discussion, and
various theories were advanced.

One man was the engineer and expounded on
thermodynamics and how a suspended stove would affect
the heating of the room.

Another hunter was a psychologist, and he was sure
that the stove was suspended, so that the owner could
crawl under it in a fetal position and thus experience
the warmth and security of his mother's womb.

The third hunter was a minister, and he declared that
the stove was suspended because of the ancient belief
in fire and the altar worship.

Each was quite convinced he had solved the mystery of
the suspended stove.

When the owner came back, they asked him about it.
"It's really quite simple," he explained, "I had
plenty of wire but not enough pipe."

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Well, lets see.
Besides the Hooters girls, there was a young lady I remember you saying that stepped out of a shower, bucky tail naked, and you fainted, and then there was the time....
Still gotta wonder about that one.
Ha! back atcha...
Stay Frosty,
Ed

THE FIFTH!!! I PLEAD THE FIFTH!! [:D] [:D] [:D]

Nice try...you're Canadian.....no fifth Amendment for you[:D][:D]Now a fifth of somehting else maybe........[:D][:D]

i'm really not a naughty boy

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Well, lets see.
Besides the Hooters girls, there was a young lady I remember you saying that stepped out of a shower, bucky tail naked, and you fainted, and then there was the time....
Still gotta wonder about that one.
Ha! back atcha...
Stay Frosty,
Ed

THE FIFTH!!! I PLEAD THE FIFTH!! [:D] [:D] [:D]

i'm really not a naughty boy

[vsmith]

Came across this one recently, Dont know if its true but its a heck of a good story...

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day,
while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming
from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired
to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling
to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been
a slow and terrifying death.


The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse
surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced
himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer
replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to
the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education
my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no
doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer
Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St.
Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known
throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of
Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog
was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

Next edition of the humor thread paper . . . . . . . . . [:p]



One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw
that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead
and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed
my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the
cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but
if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure
wouldn't feed him all the hay."


This one I have seen before. I hope I am not repeating it. If so you can just laugh at me instead of the joke. [:D] [:D] [:D]

[JoeKoh]

Ok brillant timing
a guy in Ft wayne went to rob a bank at 923 am .problem is the bank didnt open until 930.So the tellers had plenty of time to get a description of the robber the getaway car and lic #.so therfore the guy is charged with attemted robbery w/gun specifacation.lesson timing(as in telling jokes) is everything.
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Kathi Kube

Oh, my gosh, Oliver! Those are too funny! (And kinda scary at the same time!)

How long have you been speaking English? You write it very well—far better than some Americans do, that's for sure! And what was the hardest part about learning English? Just nosy.

Kathi
[:D]

Hi, Kathi!
I'm glad you like the funnies. And about me and the English language - it all started back in 1974, in the fourth grade of the elementary school - I was 8 then. And we had a teacher who made us write every new word we learned five times for homework, together with the International Phonetic Alphabet spelling and the Croatian translation of the word. It may sound a little drastic, but it was efficient. So it's 4 years in the elementary, 4 years secondary, plus 4 years college (I studied English and French languages and literature... and O.K., it actually lasted 6 years, and I came close to finishing it, but...), and I'm still learning thanks to Model Railroader and Trains magazines, music, books, movies, the Internet (this forum mostly because I don't have the time to surf too much), etc.
The hardest part to me was when I was required to theoretically explain grammar (the sequence or formation of tenses, for instance), but I had far less problems with the practical use of the language.
OK, now I already feel a little uncomfortable writing without my dictionaries by my side.
Best regards,
Oliver.

[Anonymous]

It is Wednesday and time for . . . . . . . Hump Day Helpers [8D]


This poem has been around for years. You might have seen it before. It reminds us that we are safe because of the guys and gals who risk their lives for our freedom. Thank you to all our service people. You have our gratitude.


> > > THE FOLLOWING POEM AND REMARKS AT THE BOTTOM WERE
> > > SENT TO ME BY A FRIEND. PLEASE READ AND PASS ON TO
> > > OTHERS. THANKS
> > >
> > >
> > > Subject: CHRISTMAS POEM ( WRITTEN BY A SOLDIER)
> > >
> > > TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
> > > HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
> > > IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
> > > PLASTER AND STONE.
> > >
> > > I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
> > > WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
> > > AND TO SEE JUST WHO
> > > IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
> > >
> > > I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
> > > A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
> > > NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
> > > NOT EVEN A TREE.
> > >
> > > NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
> > > JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
> > > ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
> > > OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
> > >
> > > WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
> > > AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
> > > A SOBER THOUGHT
> > > CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
> > >
> > > FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
> > > IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
> > > I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
> > > ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
> > >
> > > THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
> > > SILENT, ALONE,
> > > CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
> > > IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
> > >
> > > THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
> > > THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
> > > NOT HOW I PICTURED
> > > A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
> > >
> > > WAS THIS THE HERO
> > > OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
> > > CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
> > > THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
> > >
> > > I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
> > > THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
> > > OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
> > > WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
> > >
> > > SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
> > > THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
> > > AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
> > > A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
> > >
> > > THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
> > > EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
> > > BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
> > > LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
> > >
> > > I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
> > > HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
> > > ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
> > > IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
> > >
> > > THE VERY THOUGHT
> > > BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
> > > I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
> > > AND STARTED TO CRY.
> > >
> > > THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
> > > AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
> > > "SANTA DON'T CRY,
> > > THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
> > >
> > > I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
> > > I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
> > > MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
> > > MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
> > >
> > > THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
> > > AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
> > > I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
> > > I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
> > >
> > > I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
> > > SO SILENT AND STILL
> > > AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
> > > FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
> > >
> > > I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
> > > ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
> > > THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
> > > SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
> > >
> > > THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
> > > WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
> > > WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
> > > IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
> > >
> > > ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
> > > AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
> > > "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
> > > AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
> > >
> > > This poem was written by a Marine stationed in
> > > Okinawa Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
> > > reasonable.....
> > >
> > > PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending
> > > this to as many people as you can? Christmas will
> > > be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service
> > > men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities.
> > > Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe.
> > > Make people stop and think of our heroes, living
> > > and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please,
> > > do your small part to plant this small seed.

[edblysard]

I want to know what all those plumbers are doing to that airship!
The pipes cant be that clogged!
Ed[:D]

[Anonymous]

The first time I took my wife to London she was all excited and didn't care who knew it. On checking into our hotel, she was bubbling over about all the exciting things she was going to see the next day and was telling all this to the counter clerk as I was registering, she told him she wanted an early start. After he had chatted with her for a minute or two about the sights of London, he said,
"Then Madam. What time would you like to be knocked up in the morning?"
Her stunned face was a treat to see. Somebody had finally shut her up since getting on the plane in Chicago.
What a time I had explaining that was the British expression for a wakeup call.

[JoeKoh]

They make caulk for that kind of problem!
stay safe
Joe