Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Mikeygaw]

New Yorkers arrived
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".

God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"

"Who, the New Yorkers?".

"No, the Pearly Gates."

Like, I think it's time for me to, like let someone else post for once

[Mikeygaw]

The Top 10 Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School


1. To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.


2. To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald's manager uses daily.


3.No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.


4. After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.


5. So someone else can deal with the psychotic little punks


6. Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.


7. Easier to run escort service out of home when they're not around.


8. To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect Engli***o the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!


9. To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).

10. To actually learn to count to ten, which something there person who came up with this list can't do, as they can only posted 9 reasons!

Things To Think About Our Government:


29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.


7 Have been arrested for fraud.


19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.


117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.


3 Have been arrested for assault.


71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.


14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.


8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,


21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.


84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity.

Useless Inventions


Non stick Cellotape


Solar Powered Flash Light


A black highlighter pen


Glow in the dark sunglasses


Inflatable Anchor


Smooth Sandpaper


Waterproof sponge


Waterproof Teabags


AC adapter for Solar powered calculators


Fireproof Matches


Fireproof Cigarettes


Battery powered Battery Charger


Seatbelts for Motorbikes


Hand powered Chainsaw


Inflatable Dartboard


Silent Alarm Clock


A Pedal powered wheelchair


Braille Drivers Manual


Double sided playing cards


Ejector seats for Helicopters




You Know You're In California When...


The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.


You were born somewhere else.


You know how to eat an artichoke.


The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.


Your car has bulletproof windows.


Left is right and right is wrong.


Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.


Your mouse has only one ball.


You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.


You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.


You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.


You drive to your neighborhood block party.


Your family tree contains 'significant others'.


Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.


You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.


You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.


More than clothes come out of the closets.


When 'the Dead' are best live.


You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.


Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.


More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.


Smoking in your office is not optional.


When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.


Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.


Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.


You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.


You consult your horoscope before planning your day.


A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.


When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.


All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.


You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

lists taken from http://www.ahajokes.com

[Mikeygaw]

Thinnest Books


The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton


The Amish Phone Directory


Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette


George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names


French Hospitality


Everything Women Know About Men


Everything Men Know About Women


Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches


Different Ways To Spell Bob


Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors


America's Most Popular Lawyers


Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean


The Wild Years-By Al Gore


Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman


Human Rights Advances In China


To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres


The Engineer's Guide To Fashion


My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson


How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.

[Anonymous]

Now for a little humor . . . . . [:D]



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of
the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now,
class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't
empty."

[Anonymous]

Man I leave for 3 or 4 days and what do yall do? Run poor Mac through the washer, dryer and the old time wringer. I hope he is ok. [:)]

Hey Mac, does this mean we can't have any more funny stories about the life you no longer remember because the aliens "took it" from you? [:)]

Are we all invited to the ceremony? [:D] Or are you going to Florida and having a secret vacation/ceremony? da da da dadada (wedding march music). [:D]

On your return trip home you can take Amtrak to Houston (or close to it) and see Ed and then take the Texas Eagle and come see me. [8D] [:D] [;)]

Then you can take Duchess home with you and have the terror oh I mean dog that she always wanted. [}:)]

Now as far as taking the laptop with you where ever you go. Just remember computers are getting REAL cheap these days and this is the Christmas season where specials abound so another computer in the house is a possibility. And ME might even get her own screen nic and then its Katy bar the door. [}:)] [:p] [;)] [:D]

Oh well, I hope you enjoyed your time off. Did you say hello to Pol-E bear for me? [:D]

[JoeKoh]

Kev
I'll warn my brother your on the way(hehe)
seen south of dayton nextdoor to a donut shop a sewing &craft store with a large sign in front saying"we do alterations" location location location
stay safe
Joe

[edblysard]

Kev,
A fetish is a object belived to posses spritual powers, or a object of excessive attention or reverence, and lastly, an obsessive attachment or fixation.

Now, if we are talking about trains, or christmas lights, and thats one thing, but if we were talking about, oh, I dont know, high heel shoes, then I would have to wonder.[:D]

Jeep photos on the way..
Stay Frosty,
Ed

[Anonymous]

JOE! Stop saying like every 30 secondes!! your doing that dilliberatletly [:D] i'm going to get her back for sure now!

You know usually I associate Fetish with somehting dirty, But A christmas light fetish.. hmm i'm thinking more like "Obsession" a Christmas light obsesssion.. Just because I dispise the word fetish, makes me feel i do weird things with my Girlfriend, perhaps thats solely because I don't understand the full extent of the word.

Ed, do yuo really do that with yout Jeep, thats freakin awesome!!

yeah, you gotta send me a picture!

You know, as I look outside, A) it's snowing, B) the ground is slowely becomming white.
kinda makes me feel like crap. Because I hate snow.. I also Hate kids who whip snowballs at the passenger trains,

BUT on the + side
Looks like were going to Florida this Christmas!! HORAY!!
and i bought a 128 MEG card for my Digital Camera!!
YEY!!

Just to take pictures of hot..uh.. Trains!

[edblysard]

You know, I heard a story once, about how a guy helped out a girl who was, well, lets say there had been better days for her to ride a train...
Funny, you still think you picked her!

Buy the way, she let everyone know about your christmas light fetish.
Remind me to send you a photo of my jeep, with the lighted reindeer horns and the flashing nose.

Ed

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Oh Ed nice rhyming skills, you think your a funny man now?
Yeah yeah, you'll see... i'll get all of you back..


Dan.. Believe me.. that laptop is as good as mine next time!!

like kev (mac) you can try but like i got this like defense system like called the like diaper defense system like matts been eating real good lately like so be careful and like take care of ME too.maybe you'll like find out in a couple of years.
stay safe[:D]
joe

[bfsfabs]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

More computer stuff:

Murphy's Laws Of IT
Jim's Laws of Computer Maintenance
10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Zardoz,

I have seen a variation of your #10 that goes like this

10.a A computer program will always do what you told it to do, IN SPITE of what you THOUGHT you told it to do.

I've been caught on this hook more than a couple of times . . .

[Anonymous]

Oh Ed nice rhyming skills, you think your a funny man now?
Yeah yeah, you'll see... i'll get all of you back..


Dan.. Believe me.. that laptop is as good as mine next time!!

[edblysard]

I dont know, when SHE gets through with him, that might be too high class!
But I got the tools.
Stay Frosty,
Ed

[JoeKoh]

Hey Ed
can we build Kevin that doghouse?move over rover!
stay safe
Joe

[dharmon]

[:D]Kev's got alot of reading to do....heheheheheheheh

[:)][:)][:)][:D]

next time take the laptop......[:D][:D][:D]

[edblysard]

Kipper Big Mac,
eaten to Lazy Rap,
Hold on to your hat,
Kevins back!

[Anonymous]

Well, this is utterly embarassing. I can't leave the house for 4 days without something going wrong..

To be quite honest, I can't quite remember uhhh saying any of those htings, because while i was gone, i was abducted by aliens and the aliens removed a certain portion of my brain, which means i can't rememebr this stuff anymore.

The aliens were green, and short.

Ok, yes i did say those things, None of which i'm content about or am I proud about, see some of them ere said randomly as a joke, and its amazing how not everyone likes the jokes...

i'd be my usual slef, and say tough cheese, but I know what it's a pain a joke soemone has just said..


....PSYCH! ! No I don't know what it's like, I guess if it's funny I like it, Except when people make fun of my Girlfriend or make a joke about her, then they jsut wind up face first on the platform.. Watch your step!
Unless it's a good joke about her.. like i don't know.. somehting which makes me laugh..

My actions have now been Justifified! oh and no joint checking account, My money is Mine with a capitol M. I'd rather it NOt be spent on useless items (Some above the below have no purpose either)

-More Shoes
- A Laurent Valino hand bag (No, i don't care what his name is)
- more Purses
-Bras

Now that i'm a dead man, i'm going to run, run, run!

I'm glad to be back.. so i Can monitor whats going on!!

[JoeKoh]

hes got pictures too they will keep!
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

He should be home within an hour and a half!

i'll make sure he checks in!!

this is going to be great!

[edblysard]

Ohh Yeahhh....

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Dan,
Shes got it bad, dont she?
Think Kevin stands a chance?
Ed[:D]

He's a goner, joint checking account on the way..... Plus with all the ammunition she's just passed out......... he's walking into an ambush when he get's back. I think Bergie and Dave Voss need to go ahead and change his screen name to "methe RRwoman"

[JoeKoh]

ME
the forums will keep for kev! go get him!!!!!
stay safe
Joe

[edblysard]

Dan,
Shes got it bad, dont she?
Think Kevin stands a chance?
Ed[:D]

[Anonymous]

Trust me Mr. Harmon, The female version of Kevin spells better, and smells better, well I hope I smell better, after all I take a lot of time in the morning making sure I do!

hee hee, Just you wait until he reads this!

Hey Kevin! I love you!
[:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

OK Someone did good starting this thread, now we have a place to share all of funny / stupid email. OK here goes, ( I have several to share but will only do one a day) :


Retirement Plan: .

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you
would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With
Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
beer, not the stock) one year ago, drunk all the beer
then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you
would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle. This is a new retirement
program, I call it the 401Keg.

[8D][8D][8D]401keg is that how many well get to drink yearly or what
and can i get that up front[:0][:D][8D][xx(]

[dharmon]

Hmmm..... I not sure...

I mean I like the old Keven, but this new Kevin under female rule isn't too bad either[:)].... and probably smells oops I mean spells better too..[:)]

[Anonymous]

Day three.. almsot over, as a matter of fact, This could be the last day.. I guess you'll all find out tommorow

Don't forget to give Kevin a big Welcome! hahaha Trains.com Style!

So like I promised, one last story...

One Time at a Restaurant, Not as low class as McDonalds, Yet not as high class as Rits Carlton
Somewhere in the middle.. Worst of all, I was there. again! So this is how it went.. we artrived at this Restaurant and Kevin was still in uniform with his Radio and all nine yards.. we were with the Enginerr and his Wife/girlfriend.. don't know if they got married? anyways.. so the four of us were sitting eating supper having mindless chit chat.. when This computer voice came over the Radio "CP DETECTOR... MILE..." (the restaurant is somewhat close to the tracks..) that lasted for about 1 minute, so it wasn't bad enough that everyone was starring at the two of them, they were all really quiet.. So kevin, in an attemopt to lighten things up yells out

"is it just me? or does rap keep getting lazier?

That pretty much sent me, and the rest of the restaurant into a laughing fit.. Except the table of Black guys behind us. Wich when we realized they were there, It wasn't funny anymore. And they kept starring at Us not that it was a problem, But even i had a laugh at that one, as a matter of fact so did the rest of the restaurant, except the black guys behind us..

oh well, their loss..

Hey.. I took the Train home tonight.. It sucked! Really it did.. all the conductors were all serious, no one was in a joking mood... If it was Kevin there, They'd all be laughing or Smiling.. The Train sucks without him, It really does.

BOARING..
thats the best way to describe the ride..
And its pretty boaring here, (not on the site, at HOME) without him.

well he'll be home mid-afternoon tommorow.. So welcome him, and laugh at him, and mock him.
You know, Especually Ed... make sure you Really rub it in.

Peace everyone!

[ironhorseman]

The difference between the city police and small town police is they have motorcycle cops in the city.
I come out from the store and there was a motorcycle cop writing a ticket. I asked him "why are you writing a ticket?"
He didn’t say anything.
I shouted "are you deaf?"
He just wrote another ticket.
I said to him "you are the stupidest cop I ever saw!"
He then wrote another ticket.
Finally, I got tired of talking to him, walked around the corner, got into my truck and drove off.

Happy Thanksgiving [:)]

[zardoz]

Are YOU a problem thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up.
Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more
and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office
dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife
about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors,
and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line.
It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting
we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

[zardoz]

More computer stuff:

Murphy's Laws Of IT
Jim's Laws of Computer Maintenance
1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete.
3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4- When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction
6- To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a computer.
7- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.