Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Mikeygaw]

Ancient Chinese Proverbs

...man who run in front of car get tired.

..man who run behind car get exhausted.

..war doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

..man who drive like hell bound to get there.

..man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

..crowded elevator smells different to midget.

now i think it's some one elses turn to post. Who's next?

[Mikeygaw]

Only in America...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[Mikeygaw]

or all ten reasons?

[CShaveRR]

Shouldn't that be Reasons 1 and 2?

[Anonymous]

Top 10 reasons why women were invented:

10. Uh


9. uhhhh

8. uhhhhhhhhhhhh


7. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


6 uhm

5 uhhhmmmmmmmm

4. uhhmmmmmm


3. ummmmmmmm

2. uhhhmmmmm





1 OH YEAH, BOOBS!


I read that on a shirt somehwere, I'm sure my Girlfirend won't sgree, but we;ll see

[Anonymous]

I loved the one about the Smiley's and the railroads, being a rail buff myself. And the story about Shay, that one really hit home. I had tears developing, because of the beautiful story, and yes, people should start thinking about doing for, rather than against 'kids with handicaps!" Everything so far has been very enjoyable, and I'm still only half way through this section. Keep up the great work, EVERYONE!
Ralph Zimmer Alsip, Il

[Anonymous]

I loved the one about the Fire Truck. I am also one of the new comers out here, so if I did anything to make anyone upset for something so funny...SORRY!
ralph Zimmer Alsip, IL

[Anonymous]

Some thoughts for Tuesday's edition of the humor paper. [8D]


Daily Thoughts

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best
speech you'll ever regret." Laurence J. Peter

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts
working the moment you are born, and doesn't stop
working until you stand up to speak in public.

[Anonymous]

Mookie emailed me these . . . . so enjoy them like I did. [:D]


> 7 reasons not to mess with a child
>
> A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
> teacher said it was physically impossible for a
> whale to swallow a human because even though it was
> a very large mammal its throat was very small.
> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
> whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
> swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
> The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
> Jonah".
> The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
> The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
>
> Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
> of children while they were drawing. She would
> occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
> As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
> she asked what the drawing was.
> The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
> The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what
> God looks like."
> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
> drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
>
> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
> Commandments with her five and six year olds.
> After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
> Father and thy Mother, she asked,
> "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
> treat our brothers and sisters?"
> Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of
> a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
>
> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
> mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
> noticed that her mother had several strands of white
> hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
> She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
> "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
> Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do
>something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of
> my hairs turns white."
> The little girl thought about this revelation for a while
> and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
> hairs are white?"
>
> The children had all been photographed, and the
> teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
> copy of the group picture.
> "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
> all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
> or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
> A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
> "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
>
> A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of
> the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
> she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
> blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
> in the face." "Yes," the class said.
> "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
> the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
> feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
>
> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
> Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of
> the table was a large pile of apples.
> The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
> "Take only ONE. God is watching."
> Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end
> of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
> A child had written a note, "Take all you want.
> God is watching the apples.
>
> It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just
> remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too!

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Mookie,
Being Insane, keeps you from going CRAZY!!

locomutt

Tell your wife "Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your kids...."

She's missing a good time! [;)]

La Mook

[Anonymous]

It is getting close to Monday so I will deliver the . . . . . Monday Madness edition of the humor paper. [:D]


Here is a link to a joke . . . Called . . . Frisky Hubby [}:)] [:p]


http://www.justsaywow.com/funpages/view.cfm/754

[Anonymous]

Mac, it is a miracle you have lived this long. Well between the police and Me, your pushing the odds. [:p] [}:)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Jim i have a Terrible Habbit of Rearanging those signs upon visual contact.
Some of my masterpieces:

...3rd Annual Marsha larts Championships
... Tonight the Slobster upper ...
... Indoor Heated poo.....

[:D]

But aside form that, Hey it snowed here last night, about 3 CM, thats slightly more thne an inch.. So what an excellent idea to have a snowball fight first thing in the morning.. But I learnt one thing thismorning, it should always be a Consentual snowball fight...

Thsi morning, the slacker paper delivery boy, left our paper at the End of the riveway.. slacker.. So one of us had to go and get it, in the snow.. So we flipped a coin.. And I won... So my girlfirned walked down the hill, in her pyjamas to go get the paper, well I decided to be a mean old crank, and throw a snowball at her, but deliberately miss... Uhm.. i don't know what happened to the deliberately miss part. see I made a Big Fluffy ball that kind of went POW when it hit her and sent snow everywhere.. in her hair, all over her pants, down her shirt.. / So fearing for my life, i ran back inside and pretended I was asleep..

She stormed in without saying a thing, went to the freezer, and I ended up with an entire tray of ice cubs all over me..

The moral of the story is..
well there is no moral.. Just rememebr to throw your snowballs Twice as hard as when a police car passes by...

At least we had a good laugh over it.. it was funny..

another sunday story.. When i was five or six, i use dot play by a park.. And tyhered be The English kids and the french kids, and as usual we had to throw snow balls at each other, well, We had a road sperating us, a Very waide raod, that wasn't busy.. and we built our forts on both sides.. So we ahd made a forty and were hitting the engish kids, they had a fort and were hitting us french kids.. Well i had perfected what i call "the snow Torpedo" And Football shaped Snowball compacted to the max, So when i decided to use that baby, I through ti wrong by accidnet and instead of going UP then down on the fort, It went in a staright line, Normally that would ahve been jsut a mistake.. but there was a police car driving by.. now i';ve recalcualted to the odds of getting a snowball through the driver window of a car moving at about 25 MPH and they come to about 0.000000000000125%, but it happened, the cop had his wondow open and the snowball went in, and blew up all over the dash, him, the electronics, So the cop pulled over, and ofcourse, the french kids turned on me.. when the cop asked who through it.. everyone pointed at me (all 8 of us.. or 9 maybe 10) They turned on me.. DOES THAT SURPRISE ANYONE?!?!? while the English kids across the road were snickering and pointing, as he told them all not to play there anyomore, But the "nice" guy gave me a Free lift home, Curtosey of the Quebec police. My parents never did find out,a nd we won't tell them.

Thats my snow ball mishaps.. anyone else.. got any good ones?

Byt he time I was 10, my English was good enough to play with the Englsih team!

[Anonymous]

It is early Sunday morning and I can't sleep so I will begin the next edition of . . . Sunday Funnies. [:D] [8D] [:)]


There is a Baptist Church around the corner from me. They always put little messages up on their sign. I think they do an excellent job with it and them. Here are a few from this week.



Forbidden fruit makes sticky jams.

Soul Food Served Here

[Anonymous]

Heres a real note one parent wrote to a teacher because her daughter did not come to school one day:
"Please excuse my daughter from not coming to school on monday, we forgot to pick up a newspaper from our porch on Sunday, and we found it on Monday morning so we thought it was Sunday"

[Anonymous]

Hey Jim, that was pretty neat!!!

I Learnt a whole lot, But i knew the M'aidez one already. For obvious reasons, I.E Kevin.

You better get next Friday's ready, Because i'm looking forward to it!

[ironhorseman]

I was reading about the salvage of lost locomotives over at Classic Trains and was reminded of a humorous story about a lost boxcar that might be appropriate to post over here as well. It comes from the book The Romance & Folklore of North American Railroads, pg 75. It's titled The Legend of the Lost Freight Car.

It's two pages long and has a lot of text and I don't know if I permission to retype the whole thing here, but I'll sumarize it and give you the jist of it.

It was back in 1907 around the Kansas City area. The Northern Pacific had lost all of their 20 boxcar train and caboose in a flood. They recovered all but one boxcar belonging to the Union Pacific. They searched the Kansas countryside but never found the boxcar.

"After 20 days elapsed, UP, in accordance with rule three of the 'Per Diem' Rules for car service, mad a formal demand for the return of the car." After 30 days of no return UP began charging NP 75 cents/day + regular per diem charge of 25 cents/day.

The NP could've reported the car destroyed to end it's responsibitlity, but not one shred, not one nail, or not even one bolt was found.

14 months went by and NP was making one last attempt to find the car. 4 days into this search they found the rusted trucks. Serial number matched those of the missing car. "The number on the trucks made the sleuth ... whoop with joy." The trucks were only 1/4 mile from the tracks.

The sleuth looked around for any evidence of the boxcar itself and noticed a medicne ad in large white letters on the side of a boxcar that had been made into an improvised horse stable. He found the farmer using it and asked where he got it. Farmer said he didn't get it he found out. When asked, the farmer couldn't remember the car number but did remember the shield that used to be painted on it had said "Overland" on it.

The sleuth then had the boxcar confiscated, sent back to the shops, and fixed up. They found the boxcar number under the medicne ad. The car was painted up like new and restored. It was returned to the UP in the 15th month since since the flood. "And with the receipt for the car in their possession, the NP car service men danced a jig to the tune of a comic opera ditty entitled, And the Prodigal Came Back.

The bill from the UP: 25 cents/day for the 1st 30 days + $1.00/day for the rest of the 15 months the NP was responsible = $442.50. "The Northern Pacific sent the farmer who had taken possession of the car for his mare a bill for $442.50 for 'a year's rent of the stable.' " [}:)]

[locomutt]

Mook, I tryed to get the wife to say Happy Birthday!
But she does not want to be part of the Forum.
Or so she says[}:)]
locomutt[8D]

[locomutt]

Mookie,
Being Insane, keeps you from going CRAZY!!

locomutt

[Anonymous]

Now for the . . . . .Finally Friday edition of the paper. [:)] [:p] [8D]



TRIVIA, SOME OLD, SOME NEW

Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half
dollars have notches, while pennies and nickels do
not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of
coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders
from shaving off small quantities of the precious
metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched
because they used to contain silver. Pennies and
nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain
are not valuable enough to shave.
**********************************************************
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right
while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very
expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Because
wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put
the buttons on the maid's right. Since most people are
right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the
right through holes on the left. And that's where
women's buttons have remained since.
**********************************************************
Q: Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to
read or write, documents were often signed using an X.
Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill
obligations specified in the document. The X and the
kiss eventually became synonymous.
**********************************************************
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else
called "passing the buck"?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an
item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate
whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wi***o
assume the responsibility, he would "pass the buck" to
the next player.
**********************************************************
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a
toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an
enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a
guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a
guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the
glass of the host. Both men would drink it
simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he
would then touch or clink the host's glass with his
own.
**********************************************************
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be "in the
limelight"?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses
and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which
produced a brilliant light. In the theater, performers
on stage "in the limelight" were seen by the audience
to be the center of attention.
**********************************************************
Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use "mayday"as
their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning
"help me" -- and is pronounced "mayday."
**********************************************************
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great "on cloud
nine"?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the
altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest
cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that
person is floating well above worldly cares.
**********************************************************
Q: Why are Zero scores in tennis called "love"?
A: In France, where tennis first became popular, a
big, round zero on scoreboard looked like an egg and
was called "l'oeuf," which is French for "egg. "When
tennis was introduced in the US, Americans pronounced
it "love."
**********************************************************
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made
of a dense, orange clay called "pygg". When people
saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became
known as "pygg banks." When an English potter
misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled
a pig. And it caught on.
**********************************************************
When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to France as a
young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of
France, learned that she loved the Scot game "golf."
So he had the first gol f course outside of Scotland
built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly
chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired
cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary
liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland
(not a very good idea in the long run), she took the
practice with her. In French the word cadet is
pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into
"caddie."

[Anonymous]

Adrian [:)]

WOW WOW [;)] [:p]

Adrian has 2 stars now. [:)] And A Super Speed Lawnmower [:p]

Way to Go Adrian. Keep making those post. [:D]

[Anonymous]

Mikey [:)]

Wow a Star now. [8D]

Keep posting and you can catch up to ED, Mookie, Joe and Me. [:D]

[Anonymous]

Another one.

A small-town charity calls a wealthy lawer
"Sir, our reports indicate you've made over a million dollars last year, would you like to give some of that to the needy?"

"Well, do your reports also indicate that I have a terminally ill mother whose hospital bill exceed my income?"

"Oh, were very sorry bout that..."

"Or did you know that my uncle is a WWII veteran who requires constant care and attention in hospital?"

"No, sir we're terribly sorry about this..."

"Or did your record show that my brother is very ill and he needs a very expensive drug to keep him alive?"

"No..."

"Well, if I never give them a penny, do you think I will give YOU anything?"

[Anonymous]

Okay, most people will have to think about this joke for while (I know I did)

Q: How many psychaitrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the light bulb's gotta want to change itself.

Get it?

Let me know.

[Mikeygaw]

thank you bob and nance, and stop ruining my fun Mac!

[Granny74]

Mikeygaw: Congratulations on your star!
Bob and Nance

[Anonymous]

LOL Joe that was the first book i learnt to read when i was.. a pip squeak..

Don't listen to my Girlfirend, she is one of her moods again., You know the kind of women we Ignore...

Oh and mike, Stop SAYING like evry 2nd word!!! AHAHAHAHAHA~!!!

[Mikeygaw]

ladies and gentleman, boys and girls of ages...
Finally, after five and a half months...
a star!

we now return you to the regularly scheduled weirdness that is my life :)

[dharmon]

I see my work here is now done for the day[:)]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Mook is the sound of a cat being stepped on????

There is a crowd gathered at my door wondering if I am insane - I am laughing and crying at the same time!

Gotta go shut my door.....

Mookie