Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Now had they been French........[;)]

they would have used champaign corks[:D]
stay safe
joe

[dharmon]

Now had they been French........[;)]

[vsmith]

Heres a little piece of life I found on the Darwin Award website, confirmed true:

(11 March 2003, Spain) Early one morning, police received a call warning that three robbers had invaded the bar of a Madrid brothel. The police dispatched several units, and confirmed that the call was true. Officers surrounded the building, and used a bullhorn to coax the offenders from the premises.

The robbers, understandably frightened, found themselves in an untenable situation inside a building surrounded by dozens of policemen. Their subsequent actions may have been influenced by the ready availability of alcohol. Instead of surrendering, they decided to go out in a blaze of glory, and tried to escape while shooting at everything in sight.

The policemen ducked, covered, and proceeded to shoot back at the running robbers. Two were fatally injured, and the third was wounded in his right leg.

Why was the gunfight over so quickly? The three robbers were carrying REAL guns loaded with FAKE ammunition. They were firing blanks, making enough sound and light to fool the police into shooting back, but not enough to actually help them escape.

[zardoz]

A doctor acquaintance sent me these, and yes, she is a surgeon......
==========================================================

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery


"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Darn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

"What's this doing here?"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"

"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."

"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, right?"

"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."

"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"

"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

[Mookie]

They are really out there, aren't they!

[vsmith]

Round 2...I'm still trying to get my head around how stupid some people are...

Subject: Disorder in court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

----------------------------------

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

----------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

----------------------------------

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

-------------------------------

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

-----------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

-------------------------------------

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

------------------------------------

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

---------------------------------------

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

-----------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

--------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

-----------------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

-----------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

----------------------------------------------

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

-------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

--------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

---------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

----------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

DUH-OH!![:D]

[vsmith]

OK, first joke up in the "lets keep this thread going while Jim is at the 'farm' getting treatment, I mean, visiting family, yeah thats it , family...."


The Hillbilly Mirror....

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old

hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the

stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he

remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife,

Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning

before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began

to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the

mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly gal

he's runnin' around with."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

A lot of the much younger people in our "family" aren't going to get that one!

Good, though!

I got that one.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

A lot of the much younger people in our "family" aren't going to get that one!

Good, though!

BB brain here - had to look at it twice before she got it! Duh...must be Monday!

[CShaveRR]

A lot of the much younger people in our "family" aren't going to get that one!

Good, though!

[Anonymous]

Time for another edition of . . . . . Sunday Funnies [:D]


I am leaving in a few minutes for my trip to the farm. (No Dan, Not the funny farm.) [8D]

This is most likely my last post for around a week. [:(]

I want to wish you and yours a Most Joyous and Blessed Christmas and a Very Prosperous New Year. [:)] [;)]

I am very sure that zardoz and vsmith will continue the Humor thread and carry on the great humor and entertainment that it has become. When I get back I will again join back in and hopefully add some more humor and a little knowledge to the thread. [:p]

Once again, I wish you a Wonderful Holiday Season [:)]


Now for a link . . . This is entitled, "Partridge in a Pear Tree" [:D] [:D] [:D]


http://www.funone.com/funpages/view.cfm/901


Some of you might have to think on this one for a few minutes to get the joke. [:o)]

[Anonymous]

A midget, an Irishman, a leprechaun and a duck all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"[8D][;)]

[ironhorseman]

This monkey walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "you got any cheeeese?" [:D]
The bartender says "NO! We don't serve monkeys and we don't serve cheese!" [|(]
The next day the monkey comes back to the same bar and asks the bartender again "you got any cheeeese?" [:D]
The bartender says "NO! I told you yesterday we don't serve monkeys and we don't serve cheese. Now get out of here!" [:(!]
The next day the monkey is back and asks again "you got any cheeeese?" [:D]
The bartender was furious. He told the monkey "NO! We don't serve monkeys and we don't serve cheese! Now if you come back tomorrow asking for cheese I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" [|(][:(!][xx(]
Well the monkey came back again the next day. First thing he asked the bartender was "you got any nails" [?]
The bartender says "no."
[:-,] Then the monkey askes "well in that case, you got any cheeeese?!" [:D]

[Anonymous]

zardoz [:)]

I hope the above post/link is not too mushy for you. [;)]

Mookie [:)]

Sorry, it is not kitties. [;)]

But it was just "too cute" not to share. [:)]

[Anonymous]

There are two things every young boy wants for Christmas. Of course one of them is a train and the other . . . . . . . . .

http://www.geocities.com/mikeygaw/cutebench.jpg



This is just too cute not to share. I hope you all enjoy this pic. [:)]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

[u]
The duck looked very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"

Ss someone in the building industry, this one made me howl![:D]

[Anonymous]

It is time for the . . . . . Finally Friday edition of the Humor Thread Paper. [:D]



(Origin unknown)

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck,
How to live in a world that's politically correct? His
workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically
Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor
conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union
to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal
employment had made it quite clear That Santa had
better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner,
Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you
know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh, The ruts
were termed dangerous by the EPA. And people had
started to call for the cops When they heard sled
noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his
pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed
red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and
flows, Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his
nose. And had gone on Dr. Phil, in front of the
nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who
suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the
gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a
choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of
leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him.
And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to
aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made
lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the
boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy
tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and
Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles
of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift
was one ecological.

No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls
were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And
Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa
just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could
not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got
to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite
empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable
was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift
that he might Give to all without angering the left or
the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each
group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity,
every hue, Everyone, everywhere... even you. So here
is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and
your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

[zardoz]

The Duck

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman.

"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a
beer please."

Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.

"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be
here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site
and has his lunchtime lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus
owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking
duck.

"You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of
bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.

Barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was
chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looked very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"

[zardoz]

For all you parents:

Actual excuses written by parents to schools:

My son is under a doctor`s care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea
direathe the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father`s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don`t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.

Sally won`t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn`t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

=============================================================

[zardoz]

Friday silliness edition:

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something
cold, cold?

What is the speed of dark?

Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

with all due respects to the ladies of the forum........[:)]




At long last... The Men`s ultimate Guide to what a woman really means
when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz
later).

She says = She means


You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think
about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department,
I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?

[}:)]

The only reply to any of these is,"Not now,wait till the game's over.[:D]

[zardoz]

Stress
A guy tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem."

The guy looks at him and yells, "I just did YOU STUPID S.O.B.!"
======================================================
Lobsters

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
============================================================
Johnny Can Count

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."
==============================================================
Shopping Trip

A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.

Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.

In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"

In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir."
==============================================================
Printer Trouble

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
================================================================
more later [:o)]

[vsmith]

Sorry, Zardoz, the answers to your quiz just dont quite add up to my experiences; My answers are

1. D. Apply for a Patent it and go into the business selling Dr Vic's Cure-All on TV.

2. D. Sex

3. D. When your Russian, they kiss everbody.

4. D. See above, they hug everything.

5. D. reply "whadya say Honey?" (from real experience!)

6. D. saying during the middle of sex that we should get hitched. (happened to a friend)

7. D. Kids? what kids?

8. D. When the sub-atomic molecular bonds finally lose cohesion and they break down into thier component molecules. Be sure to sweep up the dust.

9. D. He was following his wifes direction, "turn here honey, no there!"

10. D. TOILET PAPER!

I know I scored about a minus one-million, but points arent everyhting!

[zardoz]

How To Be Annoying:

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 0800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire copy warnings and
Simon Bates "Whenever you rent or buy a video..." bits

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed`s stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter`s Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your trousers backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
(Please note: Dot Matrix printers only.)

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone`s
roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it`s gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone`s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Fini***he 99 green bottles song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.

Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that`s what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and place the biscuit
parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was
a "good one".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don`t want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Glade Air Freshener.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers` brains.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it`s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn`t rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in
a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn`t
cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you`ll be saying more any
moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person`s every action in an
annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people`s parties.

[zardoz]

with all due respects to the ladies of the forum........[:)]




At long last... The Men`s ultimate Guide to what a woman really means
when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz
later).

She says = She means


You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think
about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department,
I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?

[}:)]

[zardoz]

ok, ok, enough mushy stuff--it makes my eyes leak.
=======================================================

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient


1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wi***o display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he`s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you`re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male`s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you`re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is
legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective
cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough
to cause fractures.


5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She`s attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you`re watching a football
game; she`s reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she`s not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don`t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you`ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don`t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows,
the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They`re in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you`re not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but
this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her.


9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


10. What is the human race`s single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score:

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c."A real guy
would score at least 10 on this test.

[Mookie]

Thanx for printing that Jim - it kind of fits in with the Holidays.

Mookie

[Anonymous]

Mookie emailed me some more good stuff so I will include it in the . . . Thursday Edition of the Humor Paper. [:)]



Grab your kleenex before reading!


Subject: Kids say the darndest things..........



What Is Love?

Just in case we forgot.......

What is Love?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4
to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the
time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mo mmy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
Lisa - age 6

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day." Linda - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Momma says she only picks
on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I
love her." Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"Love is when daddy sees momma on the toilet and she doesn't think
it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

*** The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry."

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'll drink to that

even though i'm the one who stated it..

[Anonymous]

I agree with kevinstheRRman, I will wait until next year to make my resolutions, also!
Ralph Zimmer Alsip,Il.