Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Here's another goodie:

A guy was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen the guy says to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years you've been married that you still call your wife all those pet names." His buddy replies, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

[Anonymous]

And now back to the jokes. Challenger is making a comeback!

There were these three Irishmen who were walking home from the pub and came across a cemetery. They stopped to look at some of the gravestones.

"Look here," one says. "This is old Jimmy O'Toole's grave. Poor man was 77 years old when he passed on."

"Well, here's a fellow that was 98," another says. "Shameas O'Riley's his name."

"That's nothing," the third says. "This fellow was 326!"

"Who's he?" one of the others asked.

"Miles from Dublin," he replies.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

I just checked the link, IT WORKS. While I was watching the little joke I had a silly little brainstorm. Does anyone have MISSOURI's email address? [:D] [:D] [:D]

This is scary, but I found it on the net! I remember before when he was active searching for " "Robert Pines" Missouri" on Google. I did it again and found some stuff.

www.csx-sucks.com/?topic=safe (for the record, I don't think that CSX sucks, the site's just here because it has Missouri's e-mail address on it)

It also seems he had a wife who has passed away and has two sons. There's an obituary for her at on the Sullivan Missouri website. He was married in 1978.

[Anonymous]

In the last letter I got from my son in Beirut, he told me of an incident concerning one of his men,
It seems the marines had erected a chicken wire fence around their compound that was always being breached and it seems our glorious allies the Israeliis were the worst offenders. Now John had a little west Texas boy in his platoon that took no s--- from noone.
One day, two Israeli APCs breached the fence in this kid's sector. the kid immediately ran over pointed his rifle and said,
"Back them motherf------ things outahere rat now"
The hatch popped on one and a man appeared,
"Excuse me," he said in a heavy accent. " Who do you think you are talking to."
"Well now, iffen y'all are the only fu---- in there, I suppose am talking to you" replied the kid.
The man grew red in the face and shouted,
"Do you realize you are talking to an Israeli officer."
The kid stood his ground and said,
"Ah don give a f--- if am talking to f------ Moses hisself. Back those mother------- out of here."
And I guess they did.

[Anonymous]

Challenger is back! I'm really sorry I haven't been posting more jokes in a while. OK, now that that's over with, here's another one:

There are 4 old men sitting around and talking about what the fastest thing in the world is.

One says, "It's blinking because you blink 30 000 times a day and don't even notice."

The second one says, "Nope, it's electricity because when you flick the light switch the electricity comes on automatically."

The third says, "No, you're both wrong, it's thinking. When you think of something it just appears in your head."

But the fourth one says, "No, you're all wrong, it's diahreha (hope that's spelled right). I had it one night and I had to go before I could blink, turn the lights on or think for a second."

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season is here . . .I have a good one for you this day. [:D]


Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer
wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter
informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was
the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?
They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring
Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this
guy would bring with him, decided to make the question
a little harder: "How many people died on
the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the
movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."


__________________________________

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

I may just wind up regretting asking this, but hey, what the hell, i'll shoot anyways

What is an OBGYN?

I already regret asking, because i just have that feeling this will come back to haunt me..

Kev [:D] [:)] [8D]

It is one of those Dr.s that you and I will never need personally. If you catch my drift. [:D] [}:)] [;)] [8D]

[Anonymous]

I may just wind up regretting asking this, but hey, what the hell, i'll shoot anyways

What is an OBGYN?

I already regret asking, because i just have that feeling this will come back to haunt me..

[edblysard]

You know, I have always wondered when I go for my yearly physical, exactly what is he looking for up there?
And what can he do if he finds whats he looking for?
But I no longer make jokes about my wifes visits to her OBGYN.
Some how, it just aint as funny anymore!
Ed

[Mookie]

Isn't this just a hoot!

Mook!

[Kathi Kube]

OK, gang, I've got one courtesy of my darling, if somewhat silly, husband.

Dr. Smith had been a proctologist for years, but was losing interest in it and wanted a complete career change. He'd always been interested in cars, so he set out to attend classes to be an auto mechanic.

But the poor dear was struggling. As well as he'd done in medical school, he just couldn't quite grasp the different concepts involved in caring for cars instead of people.

Before long, it was time for his final exam and he had to get an "A" to pass the course. He stayed up all night studying for his exam, which had two parts: He had to correctly assemble an engine, and it had to start when he turned the key.

All the other students had finished long before Dr. Smith, but he didn't give up. When he finally finished, he walked tentatively to the ignition and turned the key. The engine started, and he looked happily and hopefully at his instructor.

"That was incredible," said the instructor. "Dr. Smith, I'm going to give you extra credit so you can graduate with honors."

"But why?" asked Smith.

"Well, it's the darnedest thing," he replied. "That's the first time I've ever seen an entire engine assembled through the tail pipe."

[xx(][:p][xx(]

[Mookie]

Ah so - I am Sensi Mookie at our house - looking for Shihan next!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

ok - Mookie will make a contribution!

Found floating through cyberspace:

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of peons!

You know - I think I finally understand !

Mz Mookie

That it a classic, Mook!! I love it!

The Student becomes the Master! [;)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

ok - Mookie will make a contribution!

Found floating through cyberspace:

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of peons!

You know - I think I finally understand !

Mz Mookie

I believe we should "neuter" all the neutrons. They should not be allowed to reproduce. We really don't need an explosion of the element. And might as well do the same with the other "trons". You can't be too careful with this dangerous thing.

[Mookie]

ok - Mookie will make a contribution!

Found floating through cyberspace:

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, tentatively named "Administratium". Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of peons!

You know - I think I finally understand !

Mz Mookie

[edblysard]

No no no...
Dont want the job, wouldnt take it if you paid me twice what its worth and doubled the days off.
Had a job that came with a gun and a badge.
Never used the first, was tied to the second.
Stll Frosty,
Ed

[Anonymous]

I just checked the link, IT WORKS. While I was watching the little joke I had a silly little brainstorm. Does anyone have MISSOURI's email address? [:D] [:D] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Well haven't we had some good topics here lately and some good discussion? We even had a mild skirmish, Ed has now been promoted to Sheriff lol. We will have to wait and see if he accepts the job or not. My money is on NOT. You know I like the title of Marshall better. It is more fitting of a man from Texas.

Anyway I have a cute little "funny" for you today. Just follow the link get rid of any pop-ups and enjoy the little cartoon joke/feature. I have to give credit to Jeff (Ironhorseman) he originally included this in his emoticon test several months ago.


http://www.send4fun.com/smileytrain.htm

Enjoy

[Anonymous]

It is now Wednesday and time for . . . Hump Day Helpers


I don't have a joke to post but will share a saying of the day instead.


Take a mental walk through the cancer wards, the insane asylums, the homeless ghettoes, the children's hospitals . . . and then re-ask yoursel what is bothering you. Gary W. Fenchuk Timeless Wisdom

[Anonymous]

It is now Monday so I will "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of the paper. I have another posting that is not funny. I was cleaning up and out my hard drive tonight and ran across this. I don't remember who sent it to me, but this silly sentimental guy was touched by it and needed to pass it along. I hope you find a place for it in your life and maybe can use it to touch others.



The Ballgame

This will give you cold chills, but puts life into perspective. At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the school's students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.; "Everything God does is done with perfection. Yet, my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is God's plan reflected in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like Shay into the world, an opportunity to realize the Divine Plan presents itself. And it comes in the way people treat that child." Then, he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shay's father knew that most boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were allowed to play it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said," We are losing by six runs, and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in ninth inning." In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. At the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield. Although no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be on the field, grinning from ear to ear, as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base.

Shay was scheduled to be the next at-bat. Would the team; actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their; chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher; picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first. Run to first." Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled "Run to second, run to second!" By the time Shay was rounding first base, the right fielder; had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for a tag. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions had been, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of
third base, and shouted, "Run to third!" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay! Run home!" Shay ran home, stepped on home plate
and was cheered as the hero, for hitting a "grand slam" and winning the game for his team. "That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face," the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."

And now, a footnote to the story. We all send thousands of jokes through e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages regarding life
choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and sometimes the obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of decency is too often suppressed in school and the workplace. If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably thinking about which people on your address list aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. The person who sent this to you believes that we can all make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities a day to help realize God's plan. So many seemingly trivial interactions
between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a spark of the Divine?
Or do we pass up that opportunity, and leave the world a bit colder in the process?

You have two choices now:
1. Delete this.
2. Forward it to the people you care about. You know the choice I made

[Anonymous]

We haven't had a post today in the "paper' so I thought I would add this little poem. It is not funny. But I think many of our "readers" will be touched by it. I hope it blesses your night or day and that you find a way to pass it along. [^]


http://www.debsfunpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/624

[brilondon]

Here is a little something from the pulpit.

There was this baptist preacher who thought only baptists get into heaven. His sermons were very rough on other religions. He always was putting them down and telling them that they would not get into heaven. One day he was the visiting preacher at another baptist church. He asked for a show of hands of all those who were baptists. Everyone raised their hands except for 1 person. The preacher asked him what he was. He answered he was Methodist. The preacher then asked him why he was mentodist. The parishoner answered, because his father and grand father were both methodists. The Baptist preacher then repeated what his answer was. You are a methodist because your father was methodist and your grand father was menthodist. The preacher then asked him if his father was a moron and his grandfather was a moron what would that make you? He thought for a second and answered, a Baptist.

[Anonymous]

Next edition . . . Saturday's Silly Season [:)]

Here we go again, a new silly joke for this season of cooler and colder weather. (FYI silly season also has a newspaper slant)


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man
was staring. The young man finally said sarcastcally "What's the matter
old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[Anonymous]

All right, it's Friday and yall know what that means, yes that is it , it's time for the Finally Friday edition of our humor paper.


I don't have a joke right now to share with you but I will give you this link and let you go to it. It is not a joke. It is however very serious -- a tribute and a prayer for our firefighters. They deserve all the praise and attention we can give them along with all of our service people and police officiers.

http://www.funone.com/03/10/firefighters_prayer/index.cfm

[ironhorseman]

This is one of those stories you hear in church.

A man spent his whole life in the desert. He never saw a train before in his entire life. One day he came across some railroad tracks. He was standing on the tracks wondering what they were for when a steam train came along. He stared at it but never moved. He'd never seen a train before. The train got closer and closer. The engineer kept blowing his whistle but the man wouldn't move. The engineer slammed on the breaks but the train still hit the man. The man wasn't killed but spent some time in the hospital. After he was released from the hospitial he spent some time recuperating at a rest home. The nurse taking care of him set a tea kettle on the stove and when the water began boiling the tea kettle began whistling. The man heard this whistle, jumped out of bead, grabbed a broom, and smashed the tea kettle to bits. The nurse witnessed this incident and asked why he did that. The man replied, "you've got to get them while they're young."

I'm sure there's some moral to the story and I think it has something to do with Hollywood leading our kids down a moral sewer, I don't know.

Anyway, gotta go.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

Now here's a funny one
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=2&u=/nm/20031105/od_nm/odd_germany_joyrider_dc

I know this kid!!!!! I am sure he was our bus driver - more than once!!!!! Especially on those days (many) when the driver didn't seem to know where he was going!!!!!!!!

Mookie

[Anonymous]

It is Thursday now so it is time for a new edition of our humor paper.

I have seen these before but I don't remember where. If someone has posted these in the forums then forgive me for repeating them.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding or subtracting one letter, and
supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

4) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

5) Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

6) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.

9) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)

11) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12) Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

13) Glibido: All talk and no action.

14) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15) Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16) Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

17) Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
***.




__________________________________

[Mikeygaw]

Now here's a funny one
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=2&u=/nm/20031105/od_nm/odd_germany_joyrider_dc

[Mookie]

I like the 3rd place winner - it is an old joke - dog leaning out the window of car headed to the vet - he sees his friend on the corner and sez "Hey I'm going to vet to be tutored!"

Mookie is never that calm - the last trip to the vet, we nearly had to buy the vet a new arm! And he now knows what the term Spitfire means!

Mookie 2

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Ran across a funny picture so here is the link for it.

I believe the caption might say something like this, "What do you MEAN your going to FIX me"? [}:)] [8D] [;)]

Better him than me lol [:o)]

http://www.top-greetings.com/N.py?P=20031103

Mookie, look at the cat in this picture. That is funny. I bet the cat is saying, "Dumb Dawg".