Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

I guess everyone is dry today (jokeless) so I will throw this poor little feller out. He ain't to funny, but somepun is better than nuttin. [:D]


A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."


This hits home for me tonight. Our weather is -- just started to rain and now a little chilly.

[Anonymous]

This really isn't funny but I put it here because I know Dan would see it. Our strip crew is responsible for removing everything from the aircraft and unhooking all kinds of connectors. They forgot to take the connector off one of the emergency batteries the other day and last night one of our installers accidentally hit a breaker and set off a fire bottle. Now if that wasn't bad enough he did IT again. So now there are 2 fire bottles that the mecs have to change. I am not a mec, I am an installer / tec so I don't have to fool with them. I am very sure that the mecs aren't laughting. Just one of "those things" ya know. [:(]

[zardoz]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ***-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and ba***he teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[zardoz]

For the upcoming Holidays:

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my pike,
Not a steamer was stirring, not even a Mike.
My yard tracks invitingly empty and bare,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The diesels were nestled all snug in their sheds,
While visions of DCC danced in their heads.
While I, in my blue-and-white engineers cap,
Had just settled down for a long winters nap,
When down in the train room, there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the basement I flew like an ace,
Tripped over the cat and fell flat on my face.
I stifled a curse meant for Chessie (the cat),
And I muttered to no one, "I meant to do that,"

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an HO-scale sleigh and eight Preiser reindeer,
With an engineer driving, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick

More rapid than GG-1's, onward they came,
And he blew a steam whistle and called them by name:
"On Athearn! On Lionel, Kato and Walthers!
On Kadee and Micro-Trains, Atlas and others!

To the top of the mountains of Hydrocal plaster,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away faster!"
As dry leaves that behind a new Genesis fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So in through the window the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of trains, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, on my roundhouse, I saw on the roof
The prints in the dust of each HO-scale hoof.

As I drew a deep breath, and was turning around,
From beneath the bench work, St. Nick came with a bound.
He was dressed like an engineer from head to foot,
And his clothes had that fine smell of ashes and soot;

A bundle of trains he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes - just like marker lights! Dimples, how merry!
His cheeks like a Warbonnet, nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his beard was so white, it would please Phoebe Snow.
He puffed on a pipe as he refilled its bowl,
And the smoke, it smelled just like bituminous coal.

He had a broad face and a belly (I found)
That shook like a tank car with wheels out-of-round.
He was chubby and plump, and I wanted to shout,
"Yes! The mans got a route the UP can't buy out!"

A wink of his eye as he passed near the door
Soon gave me to know I'd have freight cars galore.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He filled all my yard tracks; then turned with a jerk,

And leaving an airbrush he'd found on eBay,
And giving a nod, he returned to his sleigh.
He pumped up the brakes, blew two blasts on his whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! KEEP 'EM ROLLING! GOOD NIGHT!"

Author Unknown.

[Anonymous]

Jim, that was very funny.
Thank you for sharing the joke.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I was a little late starting the . . . Finally Friday edition of our humor . . . but I see others have went to press and got it to your doorstep. I have had toooooo much awake and not enough sleep here lately and it has caught up with me. Anyway, here is my contribution for today's edition.


This has been around in various forms, so it is not new, but it still is funny.



CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and
he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates
clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as
cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his
grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance
that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask
again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather
says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as
cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it
anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get
dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let
me out"

Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,
"COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

[tree68]

OK, this is clearly not railroad, but is an exceedingly funny rewrite of a classic routine. I know it's long, but it's worth every second you spend rolling on the floor... It does help if you're familiar with the world of Microsoft (Sorry, The AntiGates)

- Abbott & Costello at the PC Store

If you remember the classic comedy routine "Who's on first" by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, the following puts them in the 21st century.


ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No; my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I'm here to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and some software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No; on the computer. I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know; run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay; what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes; for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows. Let's say I'm sitting at my computer and want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about word for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie on the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Now what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's along movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay; so I'm at my computer and want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course, it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows.

ABBOTT: No; just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes; although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind. I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have to help me with my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: Not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly and no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well; it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: MYOB? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No; that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
You know ..... accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay? Let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might....what's the word?
Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I do to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back.
What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in the Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But that's three words in.....oh never mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh well.....Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

(The copy I got credited an Aussie)

[zardoz]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Hour logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of
the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Anonymous]

Hope Ms. Mookie'll like this one better:

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it
up, he pulls out the cork... Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The
genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant
you three wishes." The man says "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I
know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss
Bank account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a
brand new red Ferrari right here." There is another flash of light and a
bright red Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want
to be irrestible to women." A final blaze of light and he turns into a box
of chocolates.

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?
Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on
my VCR?
Dear Abby: I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.
Dear Abby: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a Good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $60 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.
Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause.
Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor.

Sorry, couldn't find the one with trains. Have a nice week-end Y'all!
Oliver

[sooblue]

One of my wifes favorite sayings:
All men are idiots and I married the king.

I say:
I didn't knock the mirror off the side of the car while I was trying to spit gum out of the window.
SooBlue

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Here we go again . . . Wednesday already, that means it's time for . . . Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . . .yeah, cheer, raw, raw , raw


This is a good one, made me laugh real hard, hope you enjoy it tooooooo


Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,

B U T . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

IT ONLY TAKES 4 MUSCLES TO EXTEND YOUR ARM AND SMACK SOME IDIOT UPSIDE THE HEAD. [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]


N E X T


A good friend will come bail you out of jail . . . . . . . .but a true friend will be setting next to you saying, "We screwed up".

I thought it was: A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be sitting beside you saying "That WAS F^*%ing Awesome!!

Maybe thats the Canadian version?? [:D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Audience ...

A round of applause please for zardoz

zardoz . . . take a bow . . . and "throw" kisses . . . while humbly saying "Thank you"

GREAT JOB TODAY [:D] [:D] [:D] When I can pick myself up off the floor I might say something else. [8D]

thank yew, thank yew....[:X][:X][:X]

[:D]

Senor Z,

When I become dictator of some small central american nation......you will be appointed as minister of humor[:)][:)]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

9: And when it snows a foot - go to the very edge of the property - and then whine cuz your paws have frozen snow on them and lie down. The human will gladly walk 50 feet in a foot of snow to pick you up and carry you all the way back to the house!

Aw, Jen, I always felt you were just a big softie at heart [:)]

[edblysard]

Big Z,
That one goes just right with Mookies "how to say "I love you" in Texan.
"Nice ***, get in the truck".
Funny, both are mostly true!
Stay Frosty,
Ed[:D]

[Anonymous]

Here we go ! ............again , [:D][:D][8D]...... This is an actual billboard sign which was posted at Indianapolis blvd. & I-94 in Northwest Indiana , southeast of Chicago . " Free reading lessons for the illiterate." sponsored by the .......... ( don't really want people to know how dumb they are ) chamber of commerce . They , then had a phone number to call . --------- "only in America " - Phil [8D][:D]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Audience ...

A round of applause please for zardoz

zardoz . . . take a bow . . . and "throw" kisses . . . while humbly saying "Thank you"

GREAT JOB TODAY [:D] [:D] [:D] When I can pick myself up off the floor I might say something else. [8D]

thank yew, thank yew....[:X][:X][:X]

[:D]

[zardoz]

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is everything!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Ed:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto-makers for the past five-years.
The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto-makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, crap!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."


that's enough for now

[Anonymous]

zardoz . . .

You have to stop talking to Duchess. I think you and she are working together way to much here. She has already learned about half of your tricks. Now if you can just teach her NOT TO TEAR UP THE COUCH.

[Anonymous]

Audience ...

A round of applause please for zardoz

zardoz . . . take a bow . . . and "throw" kisses . . . while humbly saying "Thank you"

GREAT JOB TODAY [:D] [:D] [:D] When I can pick myself up off the floor I might say something else. [8D]

[zardoz]

For our Canadian Friends:

A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said.
'"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I did."

[zardoz]

The Years Best (Actual) Headlines of 2002

1. Crack Found on Governors Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
22. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.
"Looks like deer tracks," said one blonde.
"No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested.
"Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blonde offered.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Mookie]

9: And when it snows a foot - go to the very edge of the property - and then whine cuz your paws have frozen snow on them and lie down. The human will gladly walk 50 feet in a foot of snow to pick you up and carry you all the way back to the house!

[zardoz]

Mind Games for Dogs

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

[zardoz]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"



A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.
After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."


here I go again....

[dharmon]

I should probably save this one for Christams but what the heck......

A man from the east coast accompanies his wife and kids to her hometown in North Texas for the hoildays. After dinner one night, they decide to drive around and look at the light displays around town.

After a bit they come to a house with a manger scene.. It has Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus, animals and such and three firefighters holding presents. Not knowing the meaning of this non-traditional display, he stops and knocks on the door to ask...

When the gentleman comes to the door, he asks "Pardon me sir, I'm familiar with the manger scene idea, but why do you have three firemen also...?"

The man replies,"I'm not sure where you're from, but the Bible says that when the baby Jesus was born, three wise men came from a far."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Jim - this wouldn't be a personal experience would it - you being from "Florida" and all.

Mookie

Drycleaners, me, heck no, Drycleaners are for rich folk, us poor folk just use the creek and a rock. [:p]

The creek, without the rock, comes in handy for our weekly bath. We always bath once a week, even if we don't need to, and wa***he clothes for our Sunday go to meetin day. You can never be tooooooo clean for church. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok

Hello, everyone!
I finally got to the end of this thread!!! (I liked it so much that I couldn't make myself to skip a single "entry"). Great jokes and great spirit from all of you - no flames about political issues, too, just good will. I hope you don't mind if I try to contribute with a little piece on beer - apparently it's not only a wise financial investment, but also...

The Buffalo Theory
------------------
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Next time I'll try to find a train related one I have somewhere in my files.
Have a nice day everyone!
Oliver

I bet there are a lot of people on this forum that are writing this down - but Duh Mookie - being the slower one of the herd, isn't sure she goes along with this.

Madame La Moo

[Anonymous]

Hello, everyone!
I finally got to the end of this thread!!! (I liked it so much that I couldn't make myself to skip a single "entry"). Great jokes and great spirit from all of you - no flames about political issues, too, just good will. I hope you don't mind if I try to contribute with a little piece on beer - apparently it's not only a wise financial investment, but also...

The Buffalo Theory
------------------
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Next time I'll try to find a train related one I have somewhere in my files.
Have a nice day everyone!
Oliver

[Mookie]

Jim - this wouldn't be a personal experience would it - you being from "Florida" and all.

Mookie

[Anonymous]

It's Thursday so here is the next edition of our humor . . . .

Here is a joke about Arkansans (now yall know I'm from ah ah ah Florida, yeah that's it , I'm from Florida . . . . [;)] )


Bubba and Billy Ray are from Arkansas visiting a
relative in Oklahoma.

Walking along May Avenue, they see a sign on a store
that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 per pair"

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy
a whole lot of those, and when we get back to
Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into
the shop, you be quiet,okay? Just let me do all the
talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not
be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Oklahoma drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at
$5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
trousers at $2.50 each I'll back up my pickup and
......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You boys are from
Arkansas, aren't you?"

Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you
know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."