Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

vsmith [:)]

dharmon [:)]

zardoz [:)]


We, as the major entertainers in this thread, ought to take "Our Show" on the road. How much cover charge should be charge? What should we call ourselves? WHEN DO WE PLAY VEGAS?

Hmmmm...
railroad related: The Big Boys; The Flat Spots; The Road Crew; The Extra Boreds {get it? bored=board. haha]; [:D]

[vsmith]

That is the best joke we've had yet!

[Anonymous]

Here's another one. It's about the Canadian Prime Minister, Jean Chretien, but you Americans could change it to George Bush and it wouldn't make any difference or be any less funny. OK, here it goes:

Chretien is visiting an elementary school and stops in one of the classrooms. On the board the word "tragedy" is written.

"So, you kids know what that means, don't you?" Chretien asks.

"Oh, I do," one little boy says. "Say if there was this plane that was carrying medicine that was needed to help some people and it crashed. That would be a tragedy."

"No, no, that would be an accident," Chretien says. "Does anybody else think they know what it is?"

Another kid says, "if there was a ship that was carrying lots of people and it hit an iceberg and they all died. That would be a tragedy."

"No, that would be a great loss," Chretien says.

Another kid has been thinking about this and put his hand up. "I know what it is," he says. "If someone went and dropped a bomb on Parliament Hill and it killed the Prime Minister and all the senators and cabinet ministers, that would be a tragedy."

"Why yes," Chretien exclaims. "How come you're so smart?"

"Well," the kid says, "it couldn't have been an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

[vsmith]

Round one in the interstate joke off..

My dad's family is all in Iowa.
I've never lived live in Iowa or Minnesota so I do not endorse this joke, I just spread them...

This is one they used to say in Minnesota about their southern neighbors...

Why are all the football fields in Iowa made of Astroturf?

So the cheerleaders wont graze at half-time...

Theres a good zinger for Minn. that Iowanians had.

In Minnesota, what do you call a 1954 Studebaker on blocks out in the middle of a field?

The Honeymoon Suite...

[JoeKoh]

ok jim now you've done it!
why are round bales(hay straw) illegal in Iowa?
the farmers want to make sure their animals have a square meal each day!!
lets hear the booos
stay safe
Joe

[Mookie]

Mookie is gone! Out getting some Raid to spray for those bugs!

[Anonymous]

Next edition of the Tickle My Funny Bone Times [:o)]



Last Laugh OUCH!!!!

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet
dachshund.

A passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind
of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get a
long little doggie."

[vsmith]

Well I never had that problem with my old Bug...Yes, the ducky holder is built into the jacuzzi in the trunk.

[edblysard]

Yes. and a cute little flower holder.
Right next to the TV.
Ed

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Only if it was an older Bug. The new Beetles would require new copper off the hot water heater.

matt wants to know if the new bugs come with a rubber ducky holder.
stay safe
joe

[dharmon]

Only if it was an older Bug. The new Beetles would require new copper off the hot water heater.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

QUOTE: [i]









The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"


Wonder how he fit it in, with the Bar B Que pit and the wet bar/pool.
Gonna have to look into that.
Stay Frosty,
Ed[:D]

Easy, he just tapped off the water lines at the kitchen and converted the walk-in closet to a shower....Sheesh, anyone whoever owned a Bug could have told you that...

[edblysard]

QUOTE: [i]









The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"
Wonder how he fit it in, with the Bar B Que pit and the wet bar/pool.
Gonna have to look into that.
Stay Frosty,
Ed[:D]

[Anonymous]

Mookie [:p]

Dan [:)]

Yes Mookie they are but Dan beat me to it.

Yes the pilot did one h *** of a job. And that incident is one of my major reasons for me not wanting to buy anything made in China, also their "products" being about as worthless as a pile of dog s ***. Yes, you may quote me on that one.

I have a poster of an F-14 on my wall. They are very good planes but coming to an end of their service life. They have served well.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Dan [:)]

You and I know something about airplanes. Alot of people don't. Let me help some of those who might not "get it".

The Orion is a very large 4 engine plane. It is land based. (Anyone remember when the Chinese crashed into one of the American surveillance planes about a year ago and held the crew captive when they made an emergency landing -- the surveillance plane comes from the same family.) The orion would have a very difficult time trying to land on a carrier and is not meant to. The F - 14 a two-man fighter jet is carrier-based and equiped for carrier landing. The Orion is big, slow and not very manueverable, the F-14 is just the opposite.

It's Mookie time - ..... aren't the F14's called Tomcats (don't you just love that!) and the crew that made that above emergency landing - the pilot is from Nebraska!

How am I doing Jim?

Mookie

You are correct Madame, they are Tomcats.......sometimes referred to Turkeys also....when they are configured for landing on a carrier, they have their wings swept forward and spread out and don't manuever well at that slow of an airpseed, kind of look like a big ungainly bird all spread out trying to land. They are phenominal airframes though and that they have lasted as long as they have is a true testament to slide rule engineering.

I believe the pilot of the EP-3 Aries that went down in China was from the Midwest. I don't necessarily agree with his course of action, but I wasn't there and won't call his judgement into question. He did an absolutely fantastic job of manhandling the skypig into a safe landing. His airmanship is beyond reproach.

Thanks Jim for the clarification. Kind of like me trying to explain RRs to guys at work.

[Anonymous]

vsmith [:)]

dharmon [:)]

zardoz [:)]


We, as the major entertainers in this thread, ought to take "Our Show" on the road. How much cover charge should be charge? What should we call ourselves? WHEN DO WE PLAY VEGAS?

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Dan [:)]

You and I know something about airplanes. Alot of people don't. Let me help some of those who might not "get it".

The Orion is a very large 4 engine plane. It is land based. (Anyone remember when the Chinese crashed into one of the American surveillance planes about a year ago and held the crew captive when they made an emergency landing -- the surveillance plane comes from the same family.) The orion would have a very difficult time trying to land on a carrier and is not meant to. The F - 14 a two-man fighter jet is carrier-based and equiped for carrier landing. The Orion is big, slow and not very manueverable, the F-14 is just the opposite.

It's Mookie time - ..... aren't the F14's called Tomcats (don't you just love that!) and the crew that made that above emergency landing - the pilot is from Nebraska!

How am I doing Jim?

Mookie

[vsmith]

Dan and Jim, I think most of us GOT that, I'm still laughing...

While were jokin at the Pope's expense...


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[Anonymous]

Here's a joke I hope you guys like: (it's a bit long, but still funny)

There's a guy getting his hair cut and talking to his barber.
"So, I've got a two week vacation coming up," says the guy.

"What are you going to do on it?" says the barber.

"My wife and I had planned to take a vacation to Rome," he replies.

"Rome! Why would you want to go tho that horrible place!?" says the barber. "What airline are you taking?"

"We were going to fly American Airlines," he says.

"They're about the worst airline in the world," the barber says. "They have so many crashes, they're understaffed and their planes are really old! So what hotel are you staying at there?"

"We were going to stay at the Plaza Hotel," the guy says.

"The Plaza! They almost got closed down. Their prices are way too high and rooms are dirty," the barber says. "So what do you plan on doing in Rome?"

"Well," the guy says, "we were thinking of seeing the Pope."

"The Pope," the barber says. "Why, he's to busy to bother with anybody."

So the guy goes to Rome and comes back to his barber again to get his hair cut.

"So how was Rome?" the barber asked. "Pretty, awful, huh?"

"Oh no, it was the best vacation I've ever had the guy says.

"The flight was terrible though," the barber says.

"It was great," the guy replies. "We flew in one of their brand new planes, the service was great and we got to Rome ahead of schedule."

"The hotel was bad though. Right?" says the barber.

"Oh no, it was amazing. We got upgraded to one of their delux rooms with a built in swimming pool for no extra charge," the guy says.

"Well I know you didn't get to see the Pope!" says the barber.

"Actually I did," the guy says. "My wife and I were outside the Vatican and this man came up to us and asked us if we'd like to meet the Pope, since he was looking to meet some of his admirers personally. He took us to a room and told us to wait. Then the Pope came in. He said only one thing to me though."

"Well, what did he say?" said the barber.

"Where'd you get that awful haircut!?" the man replies.

[Anonymous]

Dan [:)]

You and I know something about airplanes. Alot of people don't. Let me help some of those who might not "get it".

The Orion is a very large 4 engine plane. It is land based. (Anyone remember when the Chinese crashed into one of the American surveillance planes about a year ago and held the crew captive when they made an emergency landing -- the surveillance plane comes from the same family.) The orion would have a very difficult time trying to land on a carrier and is not meant to. The F - 14 a two-man fighter jet is carrier-based and equiped for carrier landing. The Orion is big, slow and not very manueverable, the F-14 is just the opposite.

[Puckdropper]

In the church my dad preached in a few years ago, we had what were called "Priscillaisms" because his secretary would make errors in the bullitens (quite unintenionally):

For example:
Halloween Party! Come dressed or not!

[dharmon]

Okay......

So a P-3C Orion (a relatively large 4 engine anti sub/patrol plane also known as a CP-140 Aurora for the Candian types) is out flying a excerise mission near an aircraft carrier. The pilots look out the window and they realize they've just been interecepted by one of the carriers F-14s.

They fly side by side for a little while and the F14 pilot call over the radio "Watch this!". The F14 does a barrel roll over the top of the P-3 and disappears. A few moments later it comes streaking by in full after burner and then rejoins the P-3.

Not to be out done, the P-3 pilot says "That was really neat, watch this." The F14 crew watches intently to see what the sky pig is going to do, but the P-3 continues to fly straight and level. After about five minutes the F14 calls over and asks when they are are go to do whatever it is they are going to do.....

The P-3 pilot comes back and says..."I already did it, didn't you see? I got up, streched my legs, went to the back, heated up my sandwich in the microwave, used the the head, and made plans with the crew on where we are going to drink beer tonight when we land back at base. Say when are you guys supposed to pull into port?"

[Mookie]

Ok Jim - you have really done it this time! That one goes up on the bulletin board!

I just hope Ed finds it and reads it! He will like it!

Jen

[Anonymous]

Here we go again . . . hump day helpers [:D]



The Texas VW (English subtitle: If you've got it,
flaunt it.

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls
up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates
at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in
that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the Texan
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the
Texan replies.

The light turns and the Texan drives away.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be
one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing
shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of
his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He
picks up his car and drives all over town looking for
the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally,
he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls
his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he
feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of
his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window
of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally
opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in
the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan.
"What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my
Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Kathi Kube

And, jhhtrainsplains Jim, you're right; I do like that one. Even now, I'm taking note on what I might return to my daughters some of the joy they've given me. (My first thought is a movie or tape of silly children's songs my future grandchildren will sing for hours on end.)

Thanks for the Tuesday Funnies!
Kathi

K K [:)]

Do you think that tape may contain some really extra loud and long drum playing?

Next thought ...I know you are much to young to remember this one, but might I suggest Iron Butterfly's In a Godda Divida. (That very well could be spelled wrong but should be close enough to get the point across.) Just a suggestion. [}:)] [:p] [:D]

[vsmith]

Thanks Kathy,

My personal favorite is "Sarchasm"...I deal with that one alot, I run meet a lot of people with no WIT !!! I guess they're just a bunch of ignoranuses...LOL

[Kathi Kube]

Oh, my gosh, those are fabulous! All of them![:D][:D][:D]

I especially like "inoculatte" from vsmith. For years I've been telling people how there should be a way to get coffee intravenously before you even get out of bed. (Mainly because of the truly astonishing number of times I've spilled coffee—usually on myself—trying to get said coffee without the benefits of that very coffee.) I know. I'm a pretty sad case.

I also like your "Redneck vasectomy," Jim. Funny. I was just talking with some good buddies about how life in the south and southwest is different from life in Wisconsin. Hmmmmm... Makes you wonder.

And, jhhtrainsplains Jim, you're right; I do like that one. Even now, I'm taking note on what I might return to my daughters some of the joy they've given me. (My first thought is a movie or tape of silly children's songs my future grandchildren will sing for hours on end.)

Thanks for the Tuesday Funnies!
Kathi

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

vsmith-

Those are great !!

man are we on a roll today or what? [}:)] [:p] [:)] [:D] [;)]

[zardoz]

vsmith-

Those are great !!

[vsmith]

Zardoz, since you seem to be in a more or less religious mood (based on your jokes) try this one ....

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."