Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[vsmith]

BANG! that's a good joke!

Thought I'd throw this on itno the mix...

Subject: New Words for a New Century

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter and supplying
a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:



Intaxication:

- Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was
your money to start with.



Reintarnation:

- Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



Foreploy:

- Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.



Giraffiti:

- Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



Sarchasm:

- The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.



Inoculatte:

- To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



Hipatitis:

- Terminal coolness.



Osteopornosis:

- A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)



Karmageddon:

- It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.



Glibido:

- All talk and no action.



Dopeler Effect:

- The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been
smoking marijuana.



And, the pick of the literature:



Ignoranus:

A person who's both stupid and an *** hole.

[zardoz]

> REDNECK VASECTOMY
> >
> > After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple
> > decided that was enough, as they could not afford a
> > larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian
> > and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
> > have any more children.
> >
> > The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
> > a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
> > expensive. "A less costly alternative," said
> > the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
> > (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in
> > a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
> > and count to 10."
> >
> > The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
> > smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting
> > a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
> > help me."
> >
> > "Trust me," said the doctor.
> >
> > So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in
> > a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
> > count:
> >
> > "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ......
> >
> > At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
> > his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
> >
> > This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky,
> > Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia




OK, I'M DONE NOW.

[zardoz]

ATTN: NO OFFENSE MEANT TO ANYONE-THIS IS HUMOR ONLY

Now that Uday & Qusay Hussein have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

> >Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restaurateur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay
brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

> >Among the sisters:

Pusay...............the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute

> >More will no doubt be discovered.

[zardoz]

[:o)] Try this:
>
> While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with
> your right foot.
>
> While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with
> your right hand.
>
> Your foot will change direction.

[zardoz]

For Kathi & others:

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOF-READING: [:D]

The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide.

Preach it!
--The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks On the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching For Jesus."
--At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suffer the little children
--Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
--For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
--Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Power of Prayer
--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the worship service...
--This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, Ladies
--The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. --Ladies'
Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which Door Do I Use?
--The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use
the back door.
--Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
--Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW Much Money Should I Give?
--The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[Anonymous]

K K [:)]

I think you will like this one. [:D]



When our three-year-old son opened the birthday gift
from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He
squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to
drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by raakone

I'm even further than you are from a fleet!

~Ra'akone

Don't worry friend. I'm sure in no time you will be steaming past me, "all ahead full". I don't get to spend as much time in the forum as I would like, but I get here when I can. I don't think you will e-meet a nicer, or more railroad savy, group anywhere. I have been a railfan for years, and considered myself quite knowledgable about the subject, but I never, ever leave this forum without having learned something new, or sharing a smile. If you you don't learn something every time you visit, you probably just didn't look hard enough[:D].

Welcome Ra'akone, and happy forum-ing.

Admiral.

[Anonymous]

I'm even further than you are from a fleet!

~Ra'akone

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Yeah, but you went for the tiara. All I want is command of a large fleet. Much easier for them to accomodate.

[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)
)][:)][:)][:)][:)]]
[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)]
)][:)][:)][:)][:)][:)

see ..a fleet. A tiara is MUCH harder.

Is that what it takes to get a fleet?!?!?[:0] Shheeesh, I've got a long way to go.[:(] Maybe it will help that in my case, getting a fleet runs in the family.[8D] Maybe some day I'll get a star.[:D]

Admiral

[dharmon]

Yeah, but you went for the tiara. All I want is command of a large fleet. Much easier for them to accomodate.

[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)
)][:)][:)][:)][:)]]
[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)]
)][:)][:)][:)][:)][:)

see ..a fleet. A tiara is MUCH harder.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Thanks.

Some of them were not earned well.

Two more and maybe they'll give me command of Fifth Fleet.

I got four and all they gave me was a bad time!

[dharmon]

Thanks.

Some of them were not earned well.

Two more and maybe they'll give me command of Fifth Fleet.

[Anonymous]

Dan [8D]

I chuckled over the navy joke too.

With all the commotion over the thread gone wrong I missed your second star.

Therefore, let me say:

Condratulations on your new star. [:)] [:D] [^]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Reminds me a cartoon in Navy Times a few years ago. A couple of young ladies were sitting in an office looking at three Navy pilots looking in the front window. One of the girls says, "Don't worry they're not looking at us, they're checking out their reflections in the window..."

Dan, we gotta talk - you are good for my funny bone!

Mook

[dharmon]

Reminds me a cartoon in Navy Times a few years ago. A couple of young ladies were sitting in an office looking at three Navy pilots looking in the front window. One of the girls says, "Don't worry they're not looking at us, they're checking out their reflections in the window..."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Hi Miz Moo,

Speaking of frivolous,

I just woke up, had a cup of coffee, now I need to shave, bru***he rug, that kinda stuff.
You wouldnt happen to know where wabash left the mirror, do you?
Stay Frosty,
Ed[8D]

Bergie confiscated it!

I'm not sure about the mirror but I'm glad he confiscated something else.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Hi Miz Moo,

Speaking of frivolous,

I just woke up, had a cup of coffee, now I need to shave, bru***he rug, that kinda stuff.
You wouldnt happen to know where wabash left the mirror, do you?
Stay Frosty,
Ed[8D]

Bergie confiscated it!

[Anonymous]

Why do they have Interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called buildings, shouldn't they be builts?
And would a Superconductor be NS's employee of the month?

~Ra'akone

[Kathi Kube]

Oh, Jim, thank you so much! Those are seriously funny and I need a double dose today, too.

(As I sit here coughing up a lung and trying to reduce the swelling in my knee[xx(]—I must not have lifted my heel high enough Saturday when I spun around to break my board at my Tae Kwon Do belt test. At least I passed!)

*sigh*

Oh, well. There are certainly far worse things in life, right? The older I get, the more I realize there's precious little in this world truly worth getting our undies in a bundle over.

Keepin' it cool,
Kathi

[Anonymous]

K K [:)]

Here is your little bit of humor for today.

I don't know about yall but I could use a double dose today.



How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up
over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your
lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second
hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and
where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington
for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washington's picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still
hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get
mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf
people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet
them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter,
then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the
whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make
fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with
sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking
lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a
picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we
are already there?



__________________________________

[edblysard]

Hi Miz Moo,

Speaking of frivolous,

I just woke up, had a cup of coffee, now I need to shave, bru***he rug, that kinda stuff.
You wouldnt happen to know where wabash left the mirror, do you?
Stay Frosty,
Ed[8D]

[Anonymous]

Hi Mookie! I'm a newcomer here, but anyways....I like your name. By any chance inspired by a purple-skinned character from some show from the 80's?

My name, if you're curious, supposedly means Raccoon in Samoan....ok, there aren't any raccoons in Samoa, but that's besides the point.

I'm glad you liked my joke!

See ya,
~Ra'akone

[Mookie]

I only read the first paragraph and started laughing - didn't get the point, but the whole scenerio was funny! Then read the rest of it and sure enough - that's where it was going!

And since this is an "I don't know where else to put this" topic - can you believe someone wrote that the Mookie is frivolous!!!!!! As soon as I get over that, I will be indignant....then next week maybe I will be someone else! Maybe Ed - he gets rave reviews, while I get frivolous....no justice in this world...grumble, grumble....and Bergie is mad at us and.....can't even get to a train track until Sat!

Mz Moo

[Kathi Kube]

Raakone,

Thanks for the joke. I haven't been able to log on for a couple days and wondered what happened to the "little humor" referred to in the subject line. Nice to see it back.

Kathi

[Anonymous]

I have a joke for you....
A man walked into a movie theatre. He saw this movie, didn't care much for most of it. But there's one scene he rather likes. A really beautiful woman with dark hair and almond colored skin is skinny-dipping in a lake. Just as she gets out, an Amtrak train passes by, blocking view, and by the time the train has passed, she was covered in a loose dress.

The man was just thinking about that scene for the rest of the movie. Then he bought a ticket to see it again. And then again. Finally, an usher approached him.
"I've heard of die-hard fans, but never someone who'd see it so many times in a row"
"It's that beautiful girl, I want to see her naked, you know, in that lake scene?"
"But there's the train..."
"It's an Amtrak train, it has to be delayed sometime!"

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by drailed1999

Come on now. Don't you realize that Ted Kennedy is probably in his back pocket. We'll see what happens now.

[:0] That thought wandered through Mookie's attic as well.

[vsmith]

I hear that Ah-nold is absolutely positively NOT welcome at the Kennedy Compond.

They dont spend Thanksgiving with "The Family" anymore,
Marie and the kids visits sans Ah-nold when they go there.

Just ugly rumors of course but I HAVE to spread them...

[Anonymous]

Come on now. Don't you realize that Ted Kennedy is probably in his back pocket. We'll see what happens now.

[vsmith]

Well yes it is democratic, but just barely. We have a stupid rule that requires a 2/3 majority to pass a budget where most states have a simple Majority (51/49) So as a result passing a budget is usually a fiasco that other states dont suffer.

As for Ah-nold, my fear is that he's just a puppet for former Govenor Pete Wilson, who was VERY devisive with the population and was bad for the state overall.

I hope Ah-nold will find his own voice and avoid being pushed around by those republicans who I am sure see him as nothing more than a prop to pu***heir own agenda. If they truely had principles and strongly held conservative belief's why did they let McClintock get hung out to dry? At least he was honest about his beliefs and stuck to them, unlike a certain part of the Rep party that seams to belief "say ANYTHING to get elected at ANY cost, then ignore your promises once elected" . I just dont get it anymore.

[tree68]

Don't forget to include the voters in that quagmire. The whole referedum thing shares a significant part of the blame for how things are. After all, who wants all the services, but none of the costs!

Here in upstate New York, we just blame the City for our troubles.