Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cherokee woman]

You're right Vic: that was cool!!

[vsmith]

this is REALLY cool.....

http://www.njagyouth.org/liberty.htm

[locomutt]

Larry,

Is that anything like synchronized swiming[?][:D][}:)]

[tree68]

A somewhat inexperienced musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard! It's up to you. Either sync or swim."

(I was going to change that to a dinner train, but the punchline didn't work....)

[vsmith]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

As for the blondes, I'm the father of a pair of them, one of which fits a lot of the stereotypes. (I'm also married to someone whom I like to describe as "silver-blonde" at times.)

I was in the bar a few days ago (don't tell the silver-blonde!), when four blondes come in, grab a big table and order drinks. It's obviously a celebration of sorts...every once in a while I hear a cry of "forty-one days!" which gets a yell of approval from the rest of the table. Another blond comes in, and the high-fives are exchanged, along with the "forty-one days!" cry.

Then in come four more blondes. One of them is holding a framed picture. This time the celebration turns especially raucous. "Forty-one days! Wooo-hoooo!". High fives, a Conga line around the table, the works. I had to see what was going on.

So I tapped the shoulder of the nearest blonde. She turns around, gives me a big hug, and yells "Forty-one Days! We did it in 41 days!"

"What did you do?"

"This puzzle!" She gestures toward the framed picture on the table. "The box said '18 months to 3 years', and we did it in only 41 days!"

CARL,

I'm glad this IS humor,you should be ashamed of yourself for that one![:D][:p]

In the accident,No clothespins,were involved![:D][}:)]

[CShaveRR]

As for the blondes, I'm the father of a pair of them, one of which fits a lot of the stereotypes. (I'm also married to someone whom I like to describe as "silver-blonde" at times.)

I was in the bar a few days ago (don't tell the silver-blonde!), when four blondes come in, grab a big table and order drinks. It's obviously a celebration of sorts...every once in a while I hear a cry of "forty-one days!" which gets a yell of approval from the rest of the table. Another blonde comes in, and the high-fives are exchanged, along with the "forty-one days!" cry.

Then in come four more blondes. One of them is holding a framed picture. This time the celebration turns especially raucous. "Forty-one days! Wooo-hoooo!". High fives, a Conga line around the table, the works. I had to see what was going on.

So I tapped the shoulder of the nearest blonde. She turns around, gives me a big hug, and yells "Forty-one Days! We did it in 41 days!"

"What did you do?"

"This puzzle!" She gestures toward the framed picture on the table. "The box said '18 months to 3 years', and we did it in only 41 days!"

[CShaveRR]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz
"A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's *** and a ten gallon hat. two years ago he became the president of the United States.

Aww...come on, now!

We know Santa Fe freight trains don't go 100 miles an nour!

[Mookie]

this one goes home!

[zardoz]

A married lady calls her landlord from her tenement apartment in lower Chicago, and he agrees to come hear her complaint. A half hour later, a little old man arrives at the door.
He says, "Well, what's the complaint?"

She says, "Every time a train goes by and I'm lying in bed, the room shakes so much I almost fall out."

They go into the bedroom, and he lies on the bed.

Just then, her husband comes home, walks into the room, and sees the little old guy on the bed.

He says, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Would you believe waiting for a train?"

[zardoz]

Political Humor


Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals in the Sydney Olympics.

The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's *** and a ten gallon hat. two years ago he became the president of the United States.

[Mookie]

Zardoz: [:D]

Mookie

[zardoz]

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.
"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think youare the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ***... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!
Yours truly,
A Commuter"

[zardoz]

She was So Blonde . . .
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."


She Was So Blonde...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."


She was So Blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate.."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


She was So Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport "Left", she turned around and went home.


She Was So Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."


AND the ALL TIME FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[zardoz]

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use when logging on. The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife's attention. When the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "***"...

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

[zardoz]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ' till the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.

"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

Now how true is that[?]

Uh,did they have the velvet rope[?][:D][}:)]

[tree68]

Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.

"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

[locomutt]

Ah,to borrow a phrase from Larry,
I'm glad my smell-o-vision is broken![:D]

[vsmith]

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.


His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.


He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.


People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the Bank to purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...... including........ the curtain rods.


I just love a happy ending.....

[cherokee woman]

These are also from "The Funnybone":

A college student was needing party money. He wrote his dad a short letter
stating: "No mon, no fun. Your son. His dad got his letter and wrote him
back: "Too bad, so sad. Your dad."

A fellow went to the drugstore and purchased a box of mothballs. The next
day he returned and bought another box. The clerk was curious, so he asked,
"Do you have a lot of moths in your house?"
"Yes I do. I have been throwing these moth balls at them for two days, and I
have not been able to hit a single one!" he explained.

[locomutt]

The following joke was in "The Funnybone" in our Sunday paper today:

Joey: "Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?"
Sam: "I don't know. Why?"
Joey: "Because he didn't have any body to go with."

DISCLAIMER; No clothespins supplied with the joke!!

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:D] [:D] [:D]


Brain Cramps


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean
air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca


"I was provided with additional input that was
radically different from the truth. I assisted in
furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra
testimony.


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports
analyst.


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992, because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a
change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina

[locomutt]

Thank goodness they rejected them.
Can you imagine spending time at the local card store,
reading these?

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]


Rejected Halmark Cards

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.


My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

To my ex on Valentines Day
After all these years
I am still missing you
But my aim is getting better

You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it....
She moved in with me

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Heard your sick
Glad its you.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


Grocery shopping by the numbers. [;)]


My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned a short while later, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants and seven green peppers.

From Tops Greetins

Wish I had seen this one earlier[swg]

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Make sense...
> >
> >
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to
you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

#5 Been there,done that.[:(]

[espeefoamer]

You may not need a clothespin,but something REALLY stinks![:0][:0][:(!][xx(]

[cherokee woman]

Well Larry, I'd say you don't need a clothespin for the computer either.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Larry,
Need a clothespin?!

Naw - the smell-o-vision on my computer is broke.