Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[vsmith]

Add this one...

The Amish were there, but no one raised a Barn...

[Noah Hofrichter]

That's a good one locomutt, and so true too!

Noah

[locomutt]

"Show me a congressman who attends every Black-Tie affair
in Washington,and I'll show you YOUR Tux Dollars at work"[:D]

[tree68]

Performance Evaluation Quotes

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

And one we can all identify with:

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

[locomutt]

Larry,

Try 7 cans shy of a 6 pack.[:D]

[espeefoamer]

One more: The trolley pole doesn't quite reach the wire.[:)]

[mudchicken]

Larry:

PLease add: Just a couple bubbles out of plumb. (If you are a mudchicken/surveyor or a carpenter, it makes perfect sense.)

[:-^][:-^][:-^]

[tree68]

POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS OF INDICATING STUPIDITY:
A few clowns short of a circus.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
He's missing a microchip
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than
most.
Several cards short of a full deck

[locomutt]

A young 'lady' walked into a 'Fabric' store one day,and said
she needed 'curtains for her computer'
The person at the 'Fabric' store said 'computers don't need curtains,
The young lady replied,"DUH,they've got Windows"

Need I say more[?][:D]

[tree68]

More From the Archives:

Snippets of Life

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments (or credit card....)

12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

19. Don't squat with your spurs on.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24. Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

[Mikeygaw]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Noah Hofrichter

mikeygaw, Any more of those things Like "the Duel"? that is really good.

Noah

nothing like that at the moment, but do have a few good ones...

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he could remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
"The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[Noah Hofrichter]

mikeygaw, Any more of those things Like "the Duel"? that is really good.

Noah

[Noah Hofrichter]

Larry, I haven't laughed like this in Months, THANK YOU!! I got to print the page out and show it to my Dad, he'll love it, especially the Beer ones.

Jim, ditto on the laughing thing. THANK YOU!! Your Narative sounded like my Dad.

Noah

[tree68]

In Jim's honor - some airplane humor:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to makethe "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Warning to post above your PC:

Alles Lookenspeepers:
Das computenmachine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken and mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit das spitzsparken. Is nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen der hands in das pockets.
Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights!

I do know some German,but Larry are sure that's: not LURKENPEEPERS[?][:D][}:)]

You know, you're probably right! [:D]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Warning to post above your PC:

Alles Lookenspeepers:
Das computenmachine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken and mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit das spitzsparken. Is nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen der hands in das pockets.
Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights!

I do know some German,but Larry are sure that's: not LURKENPEEPERS[?][:D][}:)]

[tree68]

Jim, I can SO identify with that. In fact, <answers phone> <sets phone down, searches for a document on computer><prints document><walks to network printer across room to get printed document><answers question for co-worker, sets document down, helps find item in storeroom><feels urge, heads for rest room>[#dots]

[locomutt]

Jim,
You are younger than me; and: I've had that problem for years[:D][}:)]
More than you want to know about[:D]

[Anonymous]

I can relate to the following article. I wanted to be on the road by 9 am. Here is it 1015 and have not started my trip. If I am lucky by 1130 I MIGHT get started. HOPEFULLY but don't bet on it. [:(] I still have several "things" to do around the house, and THAT coke can is still on the table, where are my glasses, does anyone know where my keys are? Who spilled the water on the floor, and let's not forget to pick up the paper the dog torn into little pieces? OH, yeah, I need to write a note to the neighbor, shave, shower, and the 3rd military " S " (for those who know what it is [;)] [}:)] [;)] ). The mail might be here by 1115, so I need to mail some items, oh yeah, the trash, and also the dishwasher needs started.

I

NEED

A

MAID

( and a mind ) [8D]


Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. ( And I am only 29 [:D] [;)] -- swamp land still for sale too )

These are my symptoms:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the kitchen table. (There pretty much always is too.)

I decide to go through the mail before I wa***he car. (Don't want to forget something important, ya know.)

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to pu***he Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! Ya buddy, just wait and see. [;)]

Now, what WAS I going to do?

Oh yeah, finish getting ready for my trip. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. [8D]

[tree68]

Definitely for off-duty:

Subject: Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

I fear this thread is in imment dager of dying. few contributors, and few viewers.

Perhaps this will help; it is a story similar to the one that I used to start this thread....


LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said.
David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers.

But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery.

Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.

http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/414758|oddlyenough|07-13-2004::13:11|reuters.html

Sorry Big Z,

If he had died we could award him a posthumous a Darwin Award[;)],

but as he survived all we can offer is an Honorary Mention Award....[:D]

[locomutt]

Kathi,
Was he smoking pot[?][:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Kathi Kube

Larry, that's kinda scary—but I followed it.

This, on the other hand, was just posted to the AP News Wire. What on earth could the man have said to the receptionist at the ER? "Excuse me, ma'am. I have a serious gas problem," perhaps??

Kathi

Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Published: July 14, 2004

Filed at 4:28 p.m. ET

BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous.

A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette.

Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday.

The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not ``take too kindly'' to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.

------

Information from: The Dominion Post, http://www.dominionpost.com

So thats what happens when you light a match in a porti potty.....[:0] i betya he'd didn't smell too pleasing....[(-D][:O]

[Kathi Kube]

Larry, that's kinda scary—but I followed it.

This, on the other hand, was just posted to the AP News Wire. What on earth could the man have said to the receptionist at the ER? "Excuse me, ma'am. I have a serious gas problem," perhaps??

Kathi

Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Published: July 14, 2004

Filed at 4:28 p.m. ET

BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous.

A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette.

Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday.

The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not ``take too kindly'' to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.

------

Information from: The Dominion Post, http://www.dominionpost.com

[tree68]

Warning to post above your PC:

Alles Lookenspeepers:
Das computenmachine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken and mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit das spitzsparken. Is nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen der hands in das pockets.
Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights!

[cherokee woman]

Larry,

Whatever gave you THAT idea?!

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

[Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.

I guess you could say he "sang." Soprano no doubt...[:p]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

2 0 , 0 0 0 . . . views

W O W

I wi***hat was $$$ in my checking account. [;)]

Don't WE all[?][:D]

[Anonymous]

2 0 , 0 0 0 . . . views

W O W

I wi***hat was $$$ in my checking account. [;)]

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Jim,

We were in the car when CBS covered this story. They just mentioned that the guy shoved the shotgun in his pocket, then "Yes, you guessed it!".

The WBBM anchor said, "So that really was a gun in his pocket!"

[}:)] GEE: Ya think[?][}:)]