Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Oh, that duck operator really quacks me up!

Is it the "duck"operator that "quacks you up" OR........................................[?][:D][}:)]

[espeefoamer]

They tipped the USA on end,and all the nuts and flakes landed in California.[sigh]

[locomutt]

Vic,

Congrats on 2,000[tup] [^]

And as far as the joke, still LMAO [:D][8D]

Uh, be careful,Mookie might send you to the couch[:D][}:)]

[Noah Hofrichter]

I too say congrats, and a nice joke to go on too.

Noah

[dharmon]

DUUUUUDE ..............Congrats....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

[vsmith]

Well here we go....the BIG 2000 post.....[:O]

I dont put too much into these stars, might make some people think I actaully KNOW something, which we all know I dont...[D)]

And to prove it, heres my Favorite (and only) Star Trek joke...


What does the Starship Enterprise and a roll of Toilet Paper have in common?










They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons!

[alien][alien][alien][alien][alien]




..See I told ya'all I aint that sharp...[:D][%-)][X-)][(-D][:-,][#wstupid][zzz][:-^]

[locomutt]

jrupprert,

Kinda gives a 'new' meaning to the A-1 commericial[:D]
"Yeah, its that importent"[:D]

[Anonymous]

When I was growing up in Solon, Ohio, a freind of my brother lived with his mother in an apartment across the street from the supermarket. One day, his mother gave him a $20 and told him to go across the street to buy some steaks. Being a somewhat dishonest character, he figured he'll steal the steaks and pocket the $20. So, he went to the store, found some nice steaks and stuffed them in his jacket and walked out. Once he was outside he realised he forgot to get some A-1 steak sauce. So, he went back inside to get some. When the manager saw him, he called the cops and he was arrested.

The next day his picture was on the front page of the Solon Times with the headline "DON'T FORGET THE A-1" !!!!!

[JoeKoh]

Well yesterday matt and I went to Deshler and met some fine folks.Now you UP employees check the toilet paper supply in your locomotives.A csx engineer tried to throw a roll of TP at us but he affectively tped his own(actually one of your locos).we'll see if ours and our new friends pics turn out!
stay safe
Joe

[tree68]

How do these people survive?

ONE - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So, I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Matt wants the fries) [:D]

TWO - The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was hopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing ! to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE - Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do, just use copier machine paper" the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that The driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT - Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[Anonymous]

We all "joked" about this months ago but I ran across it lately so I include it today for the "historical" value. [:)]


In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

[CShaveRR]

I'm even more surprised that when the discussion was taken to the outhouse a while back (with the flashlights) that nobody mentioned the behavior of these freaks when a full moon appeared!

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Noah,

That was dam funny!
[:o)]

(c'mon, if I hadn't said it, someone else would have)

Zardoz, you're right: I'm surprised locomutt didn't say it[:0]

[zardoz]

Noah,

That was dam funny!
[:o)]

(c'mon, if I hadn't said it, someone else would have)

[CShaveRR]

Oh, that duck operator really quacks me up!

[Noah Hofrichter]

This a true story, heard and saw it on a Duck tour I took today.

The duck operator/tour guide was driving along one of the paths that the ducks take. when he stopped where we could see a small dam. He said somethign fairly close to the following:

"We stopped here by this dam so you could see this great photo oportunity. I consider myself a dam expert, so if you have any dam questions ask away and you can take all the dam pictures you want."

Explaining, a Duck is a amphibious vehicle that was used in WWII and a few of them are now used for rides in the Wisconsin Dells area.

Noah

[tree68]

Murphy's Laws Of Computing

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

To err is human... To blame your computer for your mistakes is more than human, it's downright natural.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

See,

I told Ya'all that AntiGates "George W action figure" would get blown off the forum asap pronto...should have put it here with a disclaimer that only rabid Democrates should view it and that viewing by Republicans could cause high blood pressure!

I figured the Grinch would axe it too; that's why I saved both of those sites to my favorites.

Vic--it's amazing how great minds think alike! [;)]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Lone Byrd

Okay, a word of advice when in a dream... Railroads "those trains uncouple when you say 'lookathetrain!' answer just be quiet and watch the train! No. 2 "You find yourself cleaning a bathroom or in the bathroom when the door behind you disapear" Answer go to the nearest window and jump but if the bathroom has no windows your screwed! wheres Albert Hichcock when you need him? No.3 " DAN!? I SEE A TOILET IN THE LIVINGROOM!?" Answer "RING!!! my alarm was set OH thank goodness that 'Toilet' almost had me![(-D][zzz][xx(][B)] No.4 you find yourself stuck in a very sticky situation ex. someone or something chases you or your in a corner with a Union Pacific (C) sheld Answer swing, swing , SWING until you hit something when you wake up [zzz][B)][:D] I'm sorry but thats what happens when i'm cleaning too many cemicals [xx(][alien][X-)][:-^]

I haven't actually had that 'Dream' yet.
But have thought about putting refridgerator in livingroom.
NOW toliet,I ain't sure about[:D]

[Anonymous]

Okay, a word of advice when in a dream... Railroads "those trains uncouple when you say 'lookathetrain!' answer just be quiet and watch the train! No. 2 "You find yourself cleaning a bathroom or in the bathroom when the door behind you disapear" Answer go to the nearest window and jump but if the bathroom has no windows your screwed! wheres Albert Hichcock when you need him? No.3 " DAN!? I SEE A TOILET IN THE LIVINGROOM!?" Answer "RING!!! my alarm was set OH thank goodness that 'Toilet' almost had me![(-D][zzz][xx(][B)] No.4 you find yourself stuck in a very sticky situation ex. someone or something chases you or your in a corner with a Union Pacific (C) sheld Answer swing, swing , SWING until you hit something when you wake up [zzz][B)][:D] I'm sorry but thats what happens when i'm cleaning too many cemicals [xx(][alien][X-)][:-^]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

See,

I told Ya'all that AntiGates "George W action figure" would get blown off the forum asap pronto...should have put it here with a disclaimer that only rabid Democrates should view it and that viewing by Republicans could cause high blood pressure!

THANK YOU!!!!!! (although I'm not sure about B.P.)[:D]

[vsmith]

See,

I told Ya'all that AntiGates "George W action figure" would get blown off the forum asap pronto...should have put it here with a disclaimer that only rabid Democrates should view it and that viewing by Republicans could cause high blood pressure!

[vsmith]

Zardoz, in the same vein as your last post...

A neat little story...

Two elderly couples were relaxing one evening after sharing a dinner.
The two ladies go back the kitchen to talk while the two elderly men
retreat to the living room to talk.

The first old man says. " You know, we had dinner last week at a great little restaurant,
the food was good, and the service was great."

"Well, whats it called?" asked the other old man.

The first old man puzzled at the question then said.
"Whats the name of that flower, you know its one most people know of ?"

"What, like a Daisy?" chimed the second old man.

"No" said the first, "It has a scent that people like..."

"How about a Carnation?' offered the second old man.

"NO, thats not it!" huffed the first old man, "you know, it has thorns.."

"Oh! a Rose!" said the second old man triumphantly.

"Yeah, thats it, Rose..." Then he turns around and yells,

"HEY ROSE! ...WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT PLACE WE ATE AT LAST WEEK !"

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt



As for the government employer,DUH![:D]

HEYYYYYYY

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

For your Hump Day amusement:

Classified Ads
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

Larry,
that was great,especially the one about the bedroom suite.I'm not sure I would want anybody standing behind for 6 months(or any time for that matter)

As for the government employer,DUH![:D]

[zardoz]

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so the next time they go the doctor for a checkup, they ask the doc for advice. She tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going? "

"To the kitchen," he replies.

She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

The husband says, "Sure."

She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm CERTAIN you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!"

He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "I TOLD you to write it down – you forgot my toast?"

[zardoz]

With all due politically-correct respect to our freinds from that wonderful county France...

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans.. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else;
he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.


And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong female dog out the window."

[tree68]

For your Hump Day amusement:

Classified Ads
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

[locomutt]

I hope this one does not offend anyone. If so, I'm sorry.

You might be "redneck"
If Your baby's first words were:
"ATTENTION: K-MART SHOPPERS"

[tree68]

Well, Tuesday is my Monday, so here you go:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN.....
* -- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
* -- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
* -- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
* -- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
* -- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
* -- Your children's school calls to surrender.
* -- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
* -- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
* -- Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
* -- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
* -- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection,plastic.