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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, July 7, 2004 9:14 AM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, you husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.

And for dinner, prepare an expecially nice meal for him.

Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.

And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.
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Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, July 7, 2004 9:02 AM
Some sad news to report this morning. I "heard" this on AOL News.

James M. Doohan, the actor who played Scotty on the '60s "Star Trek" TV series, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, his agent confirmed Tuesday. Doohan is in the beginning stages of the disease, a progressive neurological disorder.

Doohan also has suffered for some time with Parkinson's disease, diabetes and fibrosis, the latter due to chemical exposure during World War II when he was a soldier in the Canadian military, Stevens said.

Star Trek was a show that influenced many young Americans, including myself, and was the beginning of many "space travel" shows. Scotty was one of my favorites on the original Star Trek, so this is very sad news for me. [:(] [V]


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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, July 7, 2004 8:59 AM
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

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Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 9:48 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...[:0][:0][:0][:0][:0][:0]

True story - Public outhouse at a beach. Guy takes a pipe and rams it through into the pit from out behind the outhouse (a two-holer). Puts a funnel on end of pipe. Waits until someone is really committed to the matter at hand, then says, through the funnel:
"Hey could you move over - we're painting down here."

Occupant last seen leaving outhouse at high rate of speed....


[(-D]

Wouldn't want to be haging around that funnel too long, mind you!
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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 9:41 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...[:0][:0][:0][:0][:0][:0]

True story - Public outhouse at a beach. Guy takes a pipe and rams it through into the pit from out behind the outhouse (a two-holer). Puts a funnel on end of pipe. Waits until someone is really committed to the matter at hand, then says, through the funnel:
"Hey could you move over - we're painting down here."

Occupant last seen leaving outhouse at high rate of speed....

LarryWhistling
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Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 9:18 PM
QUOTE:
Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...


Those guys are the worst!

Yuck, it's amazing what some people will do. [xx(][xx(][xx(][xx(][xx(]
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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 9:12 PM
Close.

LarryWhistling
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Posted by locomutt on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 7:21 PM
Good one!,Larry![:D]

(now are you ACTUALLY talking from experience?)

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 7:14 PM
From Jokeaday.com:

How to wrap presents with doggies in the house
1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Retrieve tape from puppy.
3. Gently remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Carefully take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper, being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as it "helps".
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box and take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog; sit on scissors again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape; tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present and hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy and tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag and affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it; put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy and older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies and tell dogs what good helpers they are.

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by vsmith on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 1:26 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw




1995 -- In Somerset, Pa., in July, Mr. Ali Burke, 25, was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct at a McDonald's after he squirted ketchup on the nose of the Hamburgler and licked it off.







I hope they got him "professional" help.


Around here we had a guy who sold shoes and was arrested for sucking on womens toes. [:0] [B)]


SOME people's kids. [:0]

Toes, noses, get them help.





Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...[:0][:0][:0][:0][:0][:0]

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by locomutt on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 12:39 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

You know you need a new lawyer when...

1.) During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2.) He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3.) When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4.) He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5.) During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6.) He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7.) A prison guard is shaving your head.

8.) Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9.) He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10.) He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11.) He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

12.) He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13.) Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14.) Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15.) His law office sign reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25pm."

16.) Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

17.) He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."



I believe I can agree with that one,just HOPE I never need anybody like that[:)]

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 12:31 PM
What State motto's should be:
-------------------------------------------
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: Se Habla Ingles

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Incorporate Here, we don't mind.

Florida: The Gunshine State

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-***

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: For Sale

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: The Sue Me State

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds and 1,000,000 mosquitos

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: You're Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Incest is Best

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?


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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 12:24 PM
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arizona. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Arizona. We settle small disagreements like this with the Arizona Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Arizona Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 12:21 PM
You know you need a new lawyer when...

1.) During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2.) He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3.) When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4.) He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5.) During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6.) He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7.) A prison guard is shaving your head.

8.) Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9.) He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10.) He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11.) He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

12.) He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13.) Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14.) Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15.) His law office sign reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25pm."

16.) Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

17.) He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
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Posted by locomutt on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 1:39 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by macguy

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR



Paula, looking at an old Official Guide, there is a town named Clinton in each of 24 states and two Canadian provinces...but not Arkansas (unless it didn't have a railroad to it). Maybe they'll rename Little Rock...



Actually there is a Clinton, Arkansas. It is on Hiway 65 almost halfway between Little Rock and Harrison. I go through there every time I drive to Branson or Springfield. It is a good little town and I usually stop there so Duchess can take care of business and I can get something to eat.

Outside of Harrisone there is a little steam engine. I have never seen it run but the link I will posts does show it under steam.

http://www.steamlocomotive.com/misc/images/portlandcem4.jpg




Geography for $600
According to Alex Trebek "Union" is the most common city/town name in America..... I guessed Springfield, nuts!


Uh[?]Are you sure it's not Monica[?][}:)][:D]

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, July 5, 2004 8:39 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR



Paula, looking at an old Official Guide, there is a town named Clinton in each of 24 states and two Canadian provinces...but not Arkansas (unless it didn't have a railroad to it). Maybe they'll rename Little Rock...



Actually there is a Clinton, Arkansas. It is on Hiway 65 almost halfway between Little Rock and Harrison. I go through there every time I drive to Branson or Springfield. It is a good little town and I usually stop there so Duchess can take care of business and I can get something to eat.

Outside of Harrisone there is a little steam engine. I have never seen it run but the link I will posts does show it under steam.

http://www.steamlocomotive.com/misc/images/portlandcem4.jpg




Geography for $600
According to Alex Trebek "Union" is the most common city/town name in America..... I guessed Springfield, nuts!
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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, July 5, 2004 8:36 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

I am FED UP with AOL allowing Porn IM. I was in the middle of typing another post here and got one. I didn't accept it but since I was typing it somehow "accepted itself" and showed up on my screen. Not only did it show up it caused me to lose the post I was typing so I have to start it all over again. [:(!] [:(!] [:(!]

AOL is about to get the "Boot" from me.


OK, here we go AGAIN.

In a news article from the AOL News:

When it comes to eating hot dogs, ''The Tsunami'' still blows everybody away. For the fourth straight year, rail-thin Takeru Kobayashi chewed up the competition at the Nathan's Famous hot dog eating competition Sunday, breaking his own previous world record. (A small quote from the article.)

This Japanses guy is 26 and comes over here to win the contest. Another Japanese guy was second. Several Americans want to "unseat" him but so far have been unsuccessful. Since this is an AOL News article if you don't have AOL you won't be allowed to see it so I won't posts a link to it. You might find it somewhere else on the net. That is "if" you are interested. [;)]





Saw that guy on the news, he sure can chow down. [xx(]
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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, July 5, 2004 8:32 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR



Paula, looking at an old Official Guide, there is a town named Clinton in each of 24 states and two Canadian provinces...but not Arkansas (unless it didn't have a railroad to it). Maybe they'll rename Little Rock...



Actually there is a Clinton, Arkansas. It is on Hiway 65 almost halfway between Little Rock and Harrison. I go through there every time I drive to Branson or Springfield. It is a good little town and I usually stop there so Duchess can take care of business and I can get something to eat.

Outside of Harrisone there is a little steam engine. I have never seen it run but the link I will posts does show it under steam.

http://www.steamlocomotive.com/misc/images/portlandcem4.jpg

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Posted by CShaveRR on Monday, July 5, 2004 12:54 PM
I got 48 (they allowed me to "correctly" place Lansing on the Lower Peninsula.

Paula, looking at an old Official Guide, there is a town named Clinton in each of 24 states and two Canadian provinces...but not Arkansas (unless it didn't have a railroad to it). Maybe they'll rename Little Rock...

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by cherokee woman on Monday, July 5, 2004 12:27 PM
Okay, I'll tell my score: 23 out of 48. How did the rest of you do?!

Jim, is there a city in Arkansas called "Clinton"? If so, why is it not the
capitol[?] [}:)]
Angel cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist."
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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, July 5, 2004 10:36 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

And you know what? When I was in the fourth grade, there were only 48 states!
(Just barely...Alaska was admitted the summer afterwards, I believe).

Haven't we had something like this before? I tried to put Lansing on Michigan's Upper Peninsula and got "boinged" for it. Shame on them!


Yes, but IT was for putting the state's name in the correct state. This one puts the correct capital of the state in that state (hopefully anyway). [;)]

Have Fun [:D].
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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, July 5, 2004 10:33 AM
I am FED UP with AOL allowing Porn IM. I was in the middle of typing another post here and got one. I didn't accept it but since I was typing it somehow "accepted itself" and showed up on my screen. Not only did it show up it caused me to lose the post I was typing so I have to start it all over again. [:(!] [:(!] [:(!]

AOL is about to get the "Boot" from me.


OK, here we go AGAIN.

In a news article from the AOL News:

When it comes to eating hot dogs, ''The Tsunami'' still blows everybody away. For the fourth straight year, rail-thin Takeru Kobayashi chewed up the competition at the Nathan's Famous hot dog eating competition Sunday, breaking his own previous world record. (A small quote from the article.)

This Japanses guy is 26 and comes over here to win the contest. Another Japanese guy was second. Several Americans want to "unseat" him but so far have been unsuccessful. Since this is an AOL News article if you don't have AOL you won't be allowed to see it so I won't posts a link to it. You might find it somewhere else on the net. That is "if" you are interested. [;)]


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Posted by CShaveRR on Monday, July 5, 2004 10:17 AM
And you know what? When I was in the fourth grade, there were only 48 states!
(Just barely...Alaska was admitted the summer afterwards, I believe).

Haven't we had something like this before? I tried to put Lansing on Michigan's Upper Peninsula and got "boinged" for it. Shame on them!

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, July 5, 2004 9:57 AM
For a little "fun" try this. It might not be too fun for some. I graduated 3 rd grage but it was a "few" years ago. Now let's see, where does "Charleston" go?

Have fun.

http://www.funforwards.com/funpages/view.cfm/4716

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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, July 5, 2004 9:56 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by Puckdropper



For every driver on the road, there are at least two dipsticks.





Good one Puckdropper. [:D] [;)] [:D]
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Posted by Puckdropper on Sunday, July 4, 2004 11:31 PM
Just a few thoughts from me:

For every driver on the road, there are at least two dipsticks.

If you see a blonde stopped at one of those "Do not Pass" signs... Well, you know she can read.
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Posted by Anonymous on Sunday, July 4, 2004 10:37 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw




1995 -- In Somerset, Pa., in July, Mr. Ali Burke, 25, was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct at a McDonald's after he squirted ketchup on the nose of the Hamburgler and licked it off.





I hope they got him "professional" help.


Around here we had a guy who sold shoes and was arrested for sucking on womens toes. [:0] [B)]


SOME people's kids. [:0]

Toes, noses, get them help.
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Posted by Mikeygaw on Sunday, July 4, 2004 10:25 PM
pulled these two off of newsoftheweird.com...


1996 -- Reading, Pa., county controller Judith Kraines complained at a commissioners' meeting in January about having to type letters and do other business on a typewriter because her computer was old and no one had been able to get it to work for two years. "If we had a computer," she said, "letters would go out faster." Three days later, she announced that the computer she was complaining about in fact had not been plugged into any electrical outlet and that when the plug was inserted and the computer was turned on, it worked fine.


1995 -- In Somerset, Pa., in July, Mr. Ali Burke, 25, was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct at a McDonald's after he squirted ketchup on the nose of the Hamburgler and licked it off.

Conrail Forever!
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Posted by locomutt on Thursday, July 1, 2004 8:55 PM
Vic,
That one was VERY cool!

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by espeefoamer on Thursday, July 1, 2004 6:00 PM
Vic, that was awesome![8D][8D][8D]
Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.

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