Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Mostly for Mookie, Nora, and Cherokee Woman; with regards to any others of the fair sex that I omitted.


Subject: Eve chats with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart
as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

Zardoz,

I LOVE this. It's so cute, and so true[8D][:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Mostly for Mookie, Nora, and Cherokee Woman; with regards to any others of the fair sex that I omitted.


Subject: Eve chats with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart
as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

Jim [:)]

Sounds like you have been talking with Billie Jean King. [}:)] [;)]

[zardoz]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new
Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath...

"Unhook...my...suspenders... from...your...side view mirror."

[zardoz]

Mostly for Mookie, Nora, and Cherokee Woman; with regards to any others of the fair sex that I omitted.


Subject: Eve chats with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart
as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)] [;)] [:)]

If there are any "teachers" who are forum members I might have to go back and "hide" in the storeroom again. [}:)] [;)] [:p]


KIDS TODAY THINK ON THEIR FEET

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

*************

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

*************

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."

*************

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now
do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."



TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*************

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher

[Anonymous]

Here are a few funnies, some are funny, some are [:0] [B)] .


http://www.funnies.com/offend.htm

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [8D] [8D]



Today's Joke

Ray was trying to cross the street.

As he stepped off the curb a car came screaming around
the corner and headed straight for him.

Ray walked faster, trying to hurry across the street,
but the car changed lanes and kept coming at him.

So Ray turned around to go back, but the car changed
lanes again and continued coming at him.

By then, the car was so close and Ray was so scared
that he just froze in the middle of the road.

The car got real close, then swerved at the last
possible moment and stopped next to Ray.

The driver rolled down the window. It was a squirrel.

It said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

******************************************************

Daily Thoughts

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.

If you take something apart and put it back together
again enough times, you will eventually have enough
parts left over to build a second one.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!

******************************************************

Reader's Story

My husband, who was a truck driver, stopped at a
truckstop one night. As he pulled back on the
interstate he heard this loud flapping. He noticed
that a piece of black plastic,like a garbage bag, had
got caught on his mirror and was flapping in the wind.
He decided to get it off at the next place he stopped.

He stopped but forgot about the plastic so when he got
back on the interstate the flapping reminded him.
Annoyed by the sound he rolled down his window and
reached out to pull it off the mirror. As he grabbed
it his hand slid down it stretching it out. Instead of
grabbing hold of a black plastic bag he had grabbed a
big bat's wing. He freaked and just about wrecked
trying to get his window up before it came in.

After that he checked his mirrors whenever he stopped
at night.

[vsmith]

Idiots on Parade!

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, my phone wen t dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. I went next door and called them. They promised to be out between 8:00a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my know! ledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver'sside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

Uh, huh. If it hurts, it must be the truth......

<Tree ducks, runs for cover with Jim>

L M A O [:D] [:D] [:D] [}:)] [:p] [;)] [:D]

Gutsiest move I ever saw Maverick.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

Uh, huh. If it hurts, it must be the truth......

<Tree ducks, runs for cover with Jim>

L M A O [:D] [:D] [:D] [}:)] [:p] [;)] [:D]

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

Uh, huh. If it hurts, it must be the truth......

<Tree ducks, runs for cover with Jim>

[JoeKoh]

Jim better run!
stay safe
joe

[cherokee woman]

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

BTW, thanks for letting us know where to find you in the stock room !!

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]

Jim will be locking himself in the Diner's storage room for protection after posting this one. Number 10 cans stacked neatly on the shelves make great hiding place. [;)]


Courses for Women



1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.

2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don't need new shoes everyday.

4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.

6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.

9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.

10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.

12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.

14. Real women drink their share at a party.

15. Telephones: How to hang up.

16. Parking: Beginners Course.

17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.

18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.

19. Managing your weight: It's not water retention... it's fat.

20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.

21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.

23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

[vsmith]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> > shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
> > which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
> > wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
> >
> > When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
> > Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
> > towel that you have on."
> >
> > After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
> > naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars
> > and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman
> > wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
> >
> > When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
> > "Who was that?"
> >
> > "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
> >
> > "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
> > me?"

[CShaveRR]

CW

I've probably got a million of 'em, but can't remember any of them now that I'm older and slightly more than half awake. Last night, after biking home from work, I thought that was funny!

Another CW

[zardoz]

rated PG:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[zardoz]

not exactly humor, but I thought maybe some of us would be able to appreciate......
A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them".

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.

But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessings to all my crackpot friends.

[cherokee woman]

Carl,

Kind of lame there, but GOOOODDD!!

What else you got?!?!

[CShaveRR]

Perhaps those were the last wise men to come out of Iraq.

Others may have tried, but got caught between Iraq and a hard place.

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]

Well it is ALMOST midnight on the east coast. [}:)] [;)]

I have not verfied the info contained in this item. If YOU have time and wi***o do so, then be my guest. [}:)] [;)] [8D]


IRAQ -- VERY INTERESTING -- DID YOU KNOW?

1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq. (It sure doesn't look much like
Paradise on earth today thanks to Saddam)

2. Mesopotamia which is now Iraq was the cradle of civilization!

3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.

4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.

5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!

6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor which is in Iraq.

7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.

9. Assyria which is in Iraq conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

10. Amos cried out in Iraq!

11. Babylon which is in Iraq destroyed Jerusalem.

12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!

13. The 3 Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (That's good news
to know that JESUS has been in Iraq too as the 4th person in the fiery furnace!)

14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.

15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.

17. The wise men were from Iraq. (where are the "wise" men today?)

18. Peter preached in Iraq.

19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon which
was a city in Iraq!

And you have probably seen this one.
Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you
know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that
is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of
Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers,
more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means
country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and
is a very significant country in the Bible. Here's why.

* Eden was in Iraq--Genesis 2:10-14
* Adam &Eve were created in Iraq--Genesis 2:7-8
* Satan made his first recorded appearance in Iraq--Genesis 3:1-6
* Nimrod established Babylon &Tower of Babel was built in Iraq--
Genesis10:8-97; 11:1-4
* The confusion of the languages took place in Iraq--Genesis 11:5-11
* Abraham came from a city in Iraq--Genesis 11:31; Acts 7:2-4
* Isaac's bride came from Iraq--Genesis 24:3-4; 10
* Jacob spent 20 years in Iraq--Genesis 27:42-45; 31:38
* The first world Empire was in Iraq--Daniel 1:1-2;2:36-38
* The greatest revival in history was in a city in Iraq--Jonah 3
* The events of the book of Esther took place in Iraq--Esther
* The book of Nahum was a prophecy against a city in Iraq--Nahum
* The book or Revelation has prophecies against Babylon, which was the
old name for the nation of Iraq--Revelation 17 &18

No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated
it than Iraq.

And also...

This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented
by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages... The
following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible)

Quran (9:11) -- For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more
rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and
there was peace.
(Note the verse number...)

[Anonymous]

Bah thats nothing, My girlfirend demanded I take her on an expensive cruise...



So we went across on the local ferry a few times.. Back and forth.. 5 bucks each time..

and when it got boring I asked the driver to sing a few songs for us..

[:D]

[cherokee woman]

Ironic, isn't it, when an expensive night out, isn't to a fancy restaurant , but rather, to
the gas station? Oh the times we live in.[sigh]

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


I received this joke from a friend. It is funny [:o)] but then again it isn't so funny. [:(!]


Expenisve Evening Out


When I got home from the golf course this afternoon, my wife said that I had been
neglecting her to much and demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.

So I took her to the gas station.

[cherokee woman]

Very good Jim:

That's ONE exercise I can handle!!

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]


IF YOU ARE NOT A SENIOR SEND TO SOMEONE WHO IS.


Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in
shape this year. You might want to take it easy at
first, then do it faster as you become more
proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.


ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE
STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

NOW SCROLL DOWN...






















NOW SCROLL UP...

That's enough for the first day
We don't want to overdo it!!

[CShaveRR]

Every once in a while (thankfully very rarely), my favorite radio station plays The waterbed was filled with glue the night that I got stuck with you Polka.

[tree68]

Would that be like the couple that borrowed Gram's nitro paste?

What a headache![(-D]

[cherokee woman]

JIIMM!!

You are one NAUGHTY little boy there!! You ought to know better than that!!

Were they by chance listening to Lionel Ritchie's "Stuck on You"?[}:)][:D][:p]

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . yes . . . yes . . . yes . . . [:D]



One day a little boy comes downstairs for breakfast and asks his
Grandma where his mum & dad is. The grandma says "they're still in bed."

The little boy laughs, eats his breakfast and goes outside and plays.

He comes back in at lunch and asks where his mum & dad is. "They're
still in bed" his grandma tells him. He laughs, eats his lunch and goes back
outside to play.

The little boy comes back in at dinner time and asks his Grandma where
his mum & dad are. "They're still in bed" she replies. So, the little boy

laughs and his grandma asks "Why do you laugh every time I tell you
hey're still in bed?"

The little boy says "well, last night dad came in my room and woke me
up and asked if he could have the vaseline and I gave him superglue instead!!!"

<Jim really didn't post this you just think he did. [}:)] [;)] [:D] >