Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Subject: re: Taxi Driver?


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab....I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

ohhh BOOOOOO!

[vsmith]

Subject: re: Taxi Driver?


A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab....I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[vsmith]

I'd still go in a heartbeat if offered...

[tree68]

My son, who worked on F15's for the Air Force, got a "check ride." Similar results... Especially that part about the first 20 minutes being fun, then.....

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Hunor Paper . . . [:)]

I wish I could post the Finally Friday edition but unfortunately it is not Friday [:(] [V] [:(!]


People, YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THIS STORY. [;)] [:p] [:)]

It is a hoot and a half. [;)] [:p] [:)]

This story makes my 15 hours as student pilot in a Cessena 150 seem lame. [}:)] [;)]


F-14 Commentary

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports
Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the
opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.

"Now this message is for America's most famous
athletes:

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of
one of your country's most powerful fighter jets.
Many of you already have ... John Elway, John
Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this
opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest
sincerity...

Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do .
Do Not Go!!!

I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was
thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've
known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff)
King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station
Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff)
King looks like, triple it. He's about six-feet, tan,
ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling
handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic
alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man,
run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was
for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15
seconds and counting ....." Remember?) Chip would
charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his
dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by
nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a
liftoff."

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously
powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust
as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried
about getting airsick, so the night before the flight
I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the
next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same
coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my
flight suit with my name sewn over the left ***.
(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot ...
but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the
crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in
my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was
it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing
and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which,
when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at
such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked
unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the
canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a
thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600
mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over
another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life.
Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being
on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only
without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops,
yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again,
sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per
minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was
sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550
mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt
as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against
me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin
Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from
the night before.

And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk
Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look
polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that
did not even want to be egressed. I went through not
one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in
sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down
in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's
were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and
out of consciousness, I realized I was the first
person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a
touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite.
But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff,
men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I
wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black
book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a
year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff
called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect
call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my
flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

[Anonymous]

My computer clock must be 5 minutes faster than the real time. lol

[Anonymous]

One more, then I am going to bed, it is 330 am now. [:0] [B)] [;)]

GET US OUT NOW!


Every day there are news reports about more deaths.

Every night on TV there are photos of death and
destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble. Some of our
children go there and never come back. Why are we
still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have an
unstable leadership. Many of their people are
uncivilized.

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we
are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still
there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand. Their folk ways, foods and fads are
unfathomable to ordinary Americans. We can't even
secure their borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild their infrastructure, which
we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear to us all...

WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]



Hilarious Motherly Wisdom
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER
"After all that money your father and I spent
on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times
not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.
You still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER
"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand
out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER
"Now, George, remember what I told you --
don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER
Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney,
but you're starting to look a little purple."

BATMAN'S MOTHER
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize
how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from
the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get
off your tuffet and start cleaning your room,
there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture.Can't you do something
about your hair?Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER
"That's a nice story, but now tell me
where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've
decided you can have your own telephone line. Now
will you quit spending so much timein all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"


From the Joke of the Day website. [:)]

[Anonymous]

This is a little long but WELL WORTH reading.

Interesting facts about the Tomb of the Unknown
Soldier and the Sentinels
of the Third United States Infantry Regiment "Old
Guard"

1. How many steps does the guard take during his walk
across the tomb of
the Unknowns and why?

21 steps. It alludes to the twenty-one gun salute,
which is the highest
honor given any military or foreign dignitary.

2. How long does he hesitate after his about face to
begin his return walk
and why?
21 seconds, for the same reason as answer number 1.

3. Why are his gloves wet?
His gloves are moistened to prevent his losing his
grip on the rifle.

4. Does he carry his rifle on the same shoulder all
the time, and if not,
why not?
No, he carries the rifle on the shoulder away from the
tomb. After his
march across the path, he executes an about face and
moves the rifle to the outside shoulder.

5. How often are the guards changed?

Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four
hours a day, 365 days
a year.

6. What are the physical traits of the guard limited
to?

For a person to apply for guard duty at the tomb, he
must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist
size cannot exceed 30

Other requirements of the Guard:


They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb,
live in a barracks
under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off
duty FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. They cannot swear in
public FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES and cannot disgrace
the uniform {fighting} or the tomb in any way.

After TWO YEARS, the guard is given a wreath pin that
is worn on their
lapel signifying they served as guard of the tomb.
There are only 400 presently worn. The guard must obey
these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the
wreath pin.

The shoes are specially made with very thick soles to
keep the heat and
cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that
extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the
loud click as they come to a halt. There are no
wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress
for duty in front of a full-length mirror.

The first SIX MONTHS of duty a guard cannot talk to
anyone, nor watch TV.
All off duty time is spent studying the 175 notable
people laid to rest in Arlington
National Cemetery. A guard must memorize who they are
and where they are interred. Among the notables are:
President Taft, Joe E. Lewis {the boxer} and Medal of
Honor winner Audie Murphy, {the most decorated soldier
of WWII} of Hollywood fame. Every guard spends FIVE
HOURS A DAY getting his uniforms ready for guard duty.

The Sentinels Creed:

My dedication to this sacred duty is total and
wholehearted. In the responsibility bestowed on me
never will I falter. And with dignity and perseverance
my standard will remain perfection. Through the years
of diligence and praise and the discomfort of the
elements, I will walk my tour in humble reverence to
the best of my ability. It is he who commands the
respect I protect. His bravery that made us so proud.
Surrounded by well meaning crowds by day alone in the
thoughtful peace of night, this soldier will in
honored glory rest under my eternal vigilance.

More Interesting facts about the Tomb of the Unknowns
itself:

The marble for the Tomb of the Unknowns was furnished
by the Vermont
Marble Company of Danby, Vt. The marble is the finest
and whitest of American marble, quarried from the Yule
Marble Quarry located near Marble, Colorado and is
called Yule Marble. The Marble for the Lincoln
memorial and other famous buildings was also quarried
there.

The Tomb consists of seven pieces of rectangular
marble:
Four pieces in sub base; weight Â- 15 tons;
One piece in base or plinth; weight Â- 16 tons;
One piece in die; weight Â- 36 tons;
One piece in cap; weight Â- 12 tons;

Carved on the East side (the front of the Tomb, which
faces Washington,
D.C.) is a composite of three figures, commemorative
of the spirit of the Allies of
World War I.

In the center of the panel stands Victory (female

On the right side, a male figure symbolizes Valor.

On the left side stands Peace, with her palm branch to
reward the devotion
and sacrifice that went with courage to make the cause
of righteousness triumphant.

The north and south sides are divided into three
panels by Doric
pilasters. In each panel is an inverted wreath.

On the west, or rear, panel (facing the Amphitheater)
is inscribed:

HERE RESTS IN HONORED GLORY AN AMERICAN SOLDIER KNOWN
BUT TO GOD

The first Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was a sub base
and a base or plinth.
It was slightly smaller than the present base. This
was torn away when the
present Tomb was started Aug. 27, 1931. The Tomb was
completed and the area opened to the public 9:15a.m.
April 9, 1932, without any ceremony.

Cost of the Tomb: $48,000
Sculptor: Thomas Hudson Jones
Architect: Lorimer Rich
Contractors: Hagerman & Harris, New York City
Inscription: Author Unknown

(Interesting Commentary)

The Third Infantry Regiment at Fort Myer has the
responsibility for
providing ceremonial units and honor guards for state
occasions, White House social functions, public
celebrations and interments at Arlington National
Cemetery and standing a very formal sentry watch at
the Tomb of the Unknowns.

The public is familiar with the precision of what is
called "walking post"
at the Tomb. There are roped off galleries where
visitors can form to observe the
troopers and their measured step and almost
mechanically, silent rifle shoulder changes. They are
relieved every hour in a very formal drill that has to
be seen to be believed.

Some people think that when the Cemetery is closed to
the public in the
evening that this show stops.

First, to the men who are dedicated to this work, it
is
no show. It is a "charge of honor." The formality and
precision continues uninterrupted all night.

During the nighttime, the drill of relief and the
measured step of the
on-duty sentry remain unchanged from the daylight
hours. To these men, these special men, the continuity
of this post is the key to the honor and respect shown
to these honored dead, symbolic of all unaccounted for
American combat dead. The steady rhythmic step in
rain, sleet, snow, hail, heat and cold must be
uninterrupted. Uninterrupted is the important part of
the honor shown.

Recently, while you were sleeping, the teeth of
hurricane Isabel came
through this area and tore hell out of everything. We
had thousands of trees down, power outages, traffic
signals out, roads filled with downed limbs and "gear
adrift" debris. We had flooding and the place looked
like it had been the impact area of an off-shore
bombardment.

The Regimental Commander of the U.S. Third Infantry
sent word to the
nighttime Sentry Detail to secure the post and seek
shelter from the high winds, to ensure their personal
safety.

THEY DISOBEYED THE ORDER!

During winds that turned over vehicles and turned
debris into projectiles,
the measured step continued. One fellow said "I've got
buddies getting shot at in Iraq who would kick my butt
if word got to them that we let them down. I sure as
hell have no intention of spending my Army career
being known as the damned idiot who couldn't stand a
little light breeze and shirked his duty." Then he
said something in response to a female reporters
question regarding silly purposeless personal risk...
"I wouldn't expect you to understand. It's an enlisted
man's thing." God bless the rascal... In a time in our
nation's history when spin and total b.s. seem to have
become the accepted coin-of-the-realm, there beat
hearts - the enlisted hearts we all knew and were so
damn proud to be a part of - that fully understand
that devotion to duty is not a part-time occupation.
While we slept, we were represented by some damn fine
men who fully understood their post orders and proudly
went about their assigned responsibilities unseen,
unrecognized and in the finest tradition of the
American Enlisted Man. Folks, there's hope. The spirit
that George S. Patton, Arliegh Burke and Jimmy
Doolittle left us ... survives.

On the ABC evening news, it was reported recently
that, because of the
dangers from Hurricane Isabel approaching Washington,
DC, the military members assigned the duty of guarding
the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier were given permission
to suspend the assignment. They refused. "No way,
Sir!"

Soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a
tropical storm, they
said that guarding the Tomb was not just an
assignment; it was the highest honor
that can be afforded to a service person. The tomb has
been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1930.

Very, very proud of our soldiers in uniform!

[locomutt]

Zardoz,

I TOTALLY AGREE with your poem! The United States of America is SUPPOSED to be a land of FREEDOM, to be able to worship God as we please, and NOT be OPPRESSED. That was WHY our country was founded; but now it seems that the government wants to tell us how we HAVE to run our own lives. Unforntunately, our
country is not quite the "Land of the free and the home of the brave" any more. Alas,
that is everyone's loss in this country.

cherokee woman

[zardoz]

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most
public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned....
I pass along the attached NEW school prayer.


Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires, and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns, the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

[zardoz]

Irish Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?!" "Three month's vacation and five good leads."




(btw- I got this from my Irish wife)

[zardoz]

A young man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the
man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that
everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank
tomorrow, then I'll pickup the ring on Monday".

Monday morning a very ticked off jeweler phones the man. "You lied to
me there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

[Anonymous]

Well now, I see someone forgot to post a Saturday Silly Season edition. Now who would have forgotten to do that? Shame on him whoever it is. [B)] [:0] [}:)] [;)] [8D]


Well I guess we will just have to forgive him (me) lol. [:)] [:D]


Sunday Funnies [:D] [:D] [:D]


Pregnancy Questions & Answers:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.


From the Joke of The Day website.

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [:)] [:p] [:)]


A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine:
"House" is feminine-"la maison."
"Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to
give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[Anonymous]

Vic [8D]

Yes, he has WAYYYYYYY too much free time. [;)]



Thursday's Edition of the Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)]


Posted at a local golf club...


1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flu***he urinal, go outside, and tee off.

[vsmith]

SCRABBLE

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone out there either
has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last
one!)

GEORGE BUSH:When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST:When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS, NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT *** SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the
letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[vsmith]

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,

"Stop! Acts 2:38!"

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,

"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. !

"She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"


[(-D][:-,][D)][%-)][X-)][alien][:-^]

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [:)] [:)]


Reasons Why The English Language Is So Hard To Learn



1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must poli***he Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

I am still laughing over that one. [:D] [:D] [:D]

But it does remind me of the saying . . .

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but . . .

oh never mind. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

are you flicking bugers over the couch again Jim?[}:)

stay safe
Joe

Have you heard about the new law firm in town, Pickit & Flickit?
[:D][:D][:D]

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

I am still laughing over that one. [:D] [:D] [:D]

But it does remind me of the saying . . .

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but . . .

oh never mind. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

are you flicking bugers over the couch again Jim?[}:)]
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

I am still laughing over that one. [:D] [:D] [:D]

But it does remind me of the saying . . .

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but . . .

oh never mind. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]


Many restaurants have specials on Tuesday such as 2 for 1, buy one get one free, and so on. The following story is definately a "get one free" lol lol lol [:D] [;)] [:D]


As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"


SORRY, I JUST COULDN'T RESIST THIS ONE. [}:)] [}:)] [:p] [;)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [;)] [:p] [:)]


Seconds In A Year

The teacher said, "Class, we know there are 60 seconds
in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day,
and 365 days in a year. Now, who can tell me how many
seconds there are in a year?"

The class looked very baffled by the question, except
for Billy, who raised his hand and waved it excitedly.

"Ok, Billy, tell me how many seconds there are in a
year," the teacher said.

"There are twelve seconds in a year," exclaimed Billy.

"Twelve? Please explain how on earth you came up with
that number," the teacher said.

"Well," explained Billy, "there's January second,
February second, March second..."

[UPTRAIN]

You might be a railfan it...you wire your fog lamps to flash alternatly when you blow the horn.

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

past along in a yahoo group i belong to

in the KCS stockholders report:
a pic of locomotives in a roundhouse and one on a turntable

caption: These AC4400 locomotives comprise a portion of a modern
fleet that will be able to handle the projected volume over the next
decade.

In white lettering on the locomotive on the turntable: SD70MAC

OOPS![:D]

stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . [:)]

(Yeah, I know its late, the press broke down, and so did Jim. [;)] )


One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the
tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied
back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute
little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the
insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it
out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll
have enough parts for another one!"

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . [:D]

Man I don't know if I can top Mikey's AC4400/SD70MAC or not. [;)]


There was an elderly couple in their 80s that was having trouble with their memory, so their doctor recommended they start writing everything down on paper.

A couple of days later the man started towards the kitchen and his wife asked him where he was going. "To get a drink of water" he replied. She asked "will you get me a bowl of vanilla ice cream while you're up" and he replied that he would. On his way to the kitchen, she warned him that he wouldn't remember and should write it down. He stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream". She again stated "you better write it down...you won't remember".

She then asked if he might also put strawberries on top of that ice cream. He agreed. She warned him "you better write it down". Disgruntled, he stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries on it" She then asked "would you also put some whipped cream on top of that ice cream and strawberries?" He agreed. Once again she warned "you better write it down...you won't remember". He once again stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream on top". She finally said "well all right, but you know what the doctor said...and you won't remember".

The man finally arrived back from the kitchen after about 10 minutes and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She proceeded to get upset with him stating "I told you that you better write it down...that you wouldn't remember....YOU FORGOT THE TOAST!

-- Submitted by Jan



Busted?

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.

The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.

Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."



Insurance Claims

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes found by a UK insurance company:

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On the M6 motorway I moved from the center lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologize. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

"I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker."

"Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?"

"No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened."

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."

"We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."


These funnies are from the ArcaMax site.

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

past along in a yahoo group i belong to

in the KCS stockholders report:
a pic of locomotives in a roundhouse and one on a turntable

caption: These AC4400 locomotives comprise a portion of a modern
fleet that will be able to handle the projected volume over the next
decade.

In white lettering on the locomotive on the turntable: SD70MAC

Now THAT'S funny.[:D]

[Mikeygaw]

past along in a yahoo group i belong to

in the KCS stockholders report:
a pic of locomotives in a roundhouse and one on a turntable

caption: These AC4400 locomotives comprise a portion of a modern
fleet that will be able to handle the projected volume over the next
decade.

In white lettering on the locomotive on the turntable: SD70MAC