Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cherokee woman]

Jim, that is soooo fuunnnnny!! I laughed my fool head off so much, I had trouble reading them.

Good job.

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)] [:p] [:)]


First of all let me say, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY" [:D]

And now for the humor. [;)] [:)]


http://www.funnypop.com/jokes/martha.html

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [:D] [:p] [:D]


'Friends' Were Real Friends to Many

When the NBC series "Friends" signs off in May for the last time, singles in America will miss more than a hit TV series.

A survey of 1,200 U.S. singles by Yahoo! Personals finds 75 percent of those surveyed say that Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler and Joey have become their "friends."

Sixty-two percent of single women across the country overwhelmingly agree Chandler is the character they'd most want to date, while 65 percent want to marry him.

Forty-six percent of the single men favor Rachel to date and marry, while only 17 percent favor Monica.

For the show's end, 75 percent of singles are hopeful Ross and Rachel will end up together.

---------------------------------------

Many Fail to Deduct Mortgage

Uncle Sam gives homeowners tremendous tax breaks, however, many people don't take advantage of them.

According to the most recent report from the U.S. General Accounting Office, more than 2 million people failed to itemize their mortgage interest, mortgage points and real estate taxes.

As a result they overpaid $945 million dollars -- they each could have saved roughly $438 per person from their federal income tax.

Bob Walters, chief economist at Quicken Loans, says homebuyers often fail to deduct points a seller pays on their behalf, which also may be tax deductible.

---------------------------------------

Teen Obesity, Lack of Exercise

A California study finds the lack of physical activity is the most significant risk factor contributing to obesity in 11- to 15-year-olds.

In the study, published in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, researchers at the University of California San Diego School of Medicine and San Diego State University find the proportion of overweight adolescents has increased significantly in recent years.

"Daily activities such as walking to school, physical education classes, after-school activities, chores and general playing have been replaced with a sedentary lifestyle in front of the TV, computer or video games," says Ken Germano, president of the American Council on Exercise.

From the ArcaMax website.

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . [:D] [:D]


Some History Related Trivia


When was the first fatal airplane crash?

It was September 17, 1908. A propeller broke and sent the aircraft plunging to the ground. The plane's only passenger, Lt. Thomas Selfidge, was killed. The pilot suffered multiple fractures. You might have heard of him: Orville Wright. (In case you forgot--Orville and his brother Wilbur made the first controlled, sustained flights in a power-driven airplane in 1903.)

----------------------

When was the first criminal convicted using DNA "fingerprinting"?

DNA evidence helped to convict a man in England of rape and murder in 1988. DNA fingerprinting can also clear suspects, of course, and has been used in the past few years to exonerate people unjustly convicted of serious crimes.

----------------------

When did the Internet come into being?

We've become so used to it that it's hard to imagine life without the Internet! While many of us started surfing the Web only in the past few years, the Internet has actually been around since 1969. It was created by the Department of Defense as a decentralized communications system in the event of nuclear attack. It was also used to coordinate military research projects, and was expanded to help universities doing defense-related research. However, it was a different system than used today without web browsers, banner ads, and lots of graphical bells and whistles. HTML and web pages are a fairly new face put on an existing infrastructure.

----------------------

Who made the first refrigerator?

Dr, John Gorrie of Appalachicola, Florida, invented mechanical refrigeration in 1851. He patented his device on May 6, 1851. There is a statue which honors this "Father of Modern Day Air Conditioning" in the Statuary Hall of the Capitol building in Washington, D.C.

----------------------

Are greenhouse gases all bad?

Not at all -- If there would be no greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, the average temperature on Earth would be 5 degrees Fahrenheit, instead of the present average of 57 degrees Fahrenheit.


From the ArcaMax website.

[Mikeygaw]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ed.. a 39??

Gotta be more lively, and vibrant, Comme moi! then you'll get top numbers!
All charm and no harm!

Ed you got to be more.. uhm.. Flamboyant! thats it, Go out and buy a Light blue suit with black around the edges, take it with you to work one day, and pretend your Buddy Love crossed with Elvis P.

thats got to give you a 47+ right there!

[:D]

HEY! keep that boa in that cage Mister!

No Ed, Never in your life. Do not do this, for everyhting Holy, and wise, I beg of you.

This sounds like the lost Hockey playoff bet of '03, where Kevin had to get someone to hold a boombox to the Train's PA system, and he went through each car, Disco dancing, in a Bright orange suit (See Dumb and Dumber ~1997)

Oh, the music was from "saturday night fever"

So Ed, unless you want to be like Kevin (Say NO! NOO!!) Don't do a stunt like that.

No funky coloured suits!!

NEVER!

he should these two weren't on the train and didn't join in:



and for those who aren't big wrestling fans like me, they and another guy would come out and dance rather oddly to some music that is marginally better than Disco ( but they still ended up being very popular)

and they wear weirder stuff that what they have on in the pic too.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Quebec, there buddy. Stop changing the names of places! you stole ours first!

[vsmith]

>> Subject: You Know You're In California If..........
>>
>>
>> 1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible,
>>
>> 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house,
>>
>> 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
>> conversation in English,
>>
>> 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
>> named Breeze,
>>
>> 5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
>>
>> 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
>> donor,
>>
>> 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
>> grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
>> Ethiopian,
>>
>> 9. You can't remember . . ... is pot illegal?
>>
>> 10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears,
>>
>> 11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast,
>>
>> 12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S,
>>
>> 13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless
>> chaps,
>> and you don't even notice,
>>
>> 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the
>> baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS
>> George
>> Clooney,
>>
>> 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment,
>>
>> 16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
>> delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in
>> drag,
>>
>> 17. You can't remember . ... . is pot illegal?
>>
>> 18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
>> station: "STORM WATCH,"
>>
>> 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
>> Blanks
>> himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class,
>>
>> 20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
>> busy with their cells or pagers,
>>
>> 21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
>> early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .
>>
>> 22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
>>
>> 23. Both you AND your dog have therapists . . . and lastly,
>>
>> 24. The Terminator is your governor

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Edition . . . [8D]


"4-Letter Words"

A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother," so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"Excuse For Speeding"

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and there was a highway patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring, "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing." and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the state trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back."

"The state trooper replied, "Have a nice day."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Pregnant

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"


These from the ArcaMax site. [:)]

[cherokee woman]

Hi Chrysta, it's nice to see you back on the forum. Missed seeing you around.

Welcome back.

Ed, if you follow Kevin's suggestion, maybe it's couch time for ya?

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ed.. a 39??

Gotta be more lively, and vibrant, Comme moi! then you'll get top numbers!
All charm and no harm!

Ed you got to be more.. uhm.. Flamboyant! thats it, Go out and buy a Light blue suit with black around the edges, take it with you to work one day, and pretend your Buddy Love crossed with Elvis P.

thats got to give you a 47+ right there!

[:D]

HEY! keep that boa in that cage Mister!

No Ed, Never in your life. Do not do this, for everyhting Holy, and wise, I beg of you.

This sounds like the lost Hockey playoff bet of '03, where Kevin had to get someone to hold a boombox to the Train's PA system, and he went through each car, Disco dancing, in a Bright orange suit (See Dumb and Dumber ~1997)

Oh, the music was from "saturday night fever"

So Ed, unless you want to be like Kevin (Say NO! NOO!!) Don't do a stunt like that.

No funky coloured suits!!

NEVER!

[dharmon]

As onr cow said to the other .......this is udder nonsense.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Nora

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, in May of that year the Titanic, on her maiden voyage, was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at their loss. In fact, their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th, and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo."

DEATH ! DEATH! DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!! IMPERIAL STAR-DESTROYERS ATTACK !!!!!!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by macguy

Speaking of snails, did you hear about the snail that could drive and owned his own car?

That's right, and because he was a snail he had those personalized license plates with an "S" on them, and a big "S" painted on the sides of the doors.

Then everywhere that he went people would say, "Look at that S-Car Go!"

[:)]

ARRGGHHH! Thats even WORSE!!!....FIRE UP THE DEATH STAR!!!!!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Hugh Jampton

Today is Star Wars day...


May the 4th be with you...

Owwww! That hurt!...Where's my light-saber!...

So its Star Wars day is it...how about a BBQ...

I've got Binks-burgers in the freezer, or Jar-Jar-on-a-Stick?










BINKS MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Nora [8D]


Macguy and I are the only ones allowed to tell "bad jokes" here. [:p] [;)] [:D]

Your joke is sooooooooooo bad, it smells like rotten eggs. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

You must visit the same "trashy" joke sites that I do. [:0] [B)] [8D]

OK, so now Nora, Macguy and I are the only ones allowed to tell, bad, trashy jokes here. [;)] [8D] [}:)] <I bet the bad, trashy jokes will be coming out of the woodwork now (as they say).> [;)] [:p] [;)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Nora
[But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank

Woha Woha, get your facts Straight lady! i heard that everyone was saved, and the ship didn't sink..

At leats thats what happened according to the Walt Disney movie..

That....is....what....happened...r..r...r..ri...rig.......right?

[Nora]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, in May of that year the Titanic, on her maiden voyage, was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at their loss. In fact, their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th, and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo."

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [8D] [8D]


A little Trivia

(read carefully, you might learn something [;)] )


Will a locked door stop a rat?

Probably not, but not because they're adept at lockpicking. The fact is, even very large rats can fit through very tiny spaces. If you have a hole about the size of a nickel in your wall, you could one day see a rat squeezing through it. Rats are largely made up of cartilage, which is flexible.

----------------------

Who was the only bachelor to serve as US president?

James Buchanan, the 15th US president, was the only one to hold office while a bachelor.

----------------------

Which is more nutritional: brown eggs or white eggs?

The color of the eggs doesn't matter. Both are equally nutritional and taste the same. The reason some eggs are brown is because they are laid by rust-red chickens (such as the Rhode Island Red). White eggs come from white chickens (such as the White Leghorn). Some people believe that brown eggs are more nutritional (perhaps on observing that brown flour, brown bread and brown sugar are), but they're mistaken.

----------------------

What bird has the largest wingspan?

The albatross has a wingspan of 10-12 feet. The condor, with a wingspan of 9-10 feet, is not far behind.

----------------------

Should you be proud of your geek-dom?

Maybe not -- A geek is traditionally a carnival performer who, advertised as a wild-man, bites the heads off of chickens and snakes. Present-day geeks will eat anything from lightbulbs to entire cars (over a period of time, of course). Perhaps the term "nerd" would be more appropriate.


From the ArcaMax site.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Let's all hope Doggy is outside enjoying the weather and chasing trains (there's a mental image for you!). Cabin fever could have been some of the problem.

I am laughing at that mental image. [}:)] [;)] [:D]

(Maybe some cars too. lol)

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by drephpe

Someone pleeeeeeeeeease put macguy out of his misery[(-D]

Come on, that one's a classic, [;)]

[louisnash]

HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married.
She put a want ad in the local paper that read:
"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not
run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must
apply in Person."
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her
dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He
had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you----you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Espeefoamer,
No jury trial here for this one. I guess it would be a hung jury.(Just a joke, not intended to offend anyone)

Brian (KY)

[Anonymous]

Well, what did you want him to say........may the 5th be with you??????????[xx(][xx(]

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Hugh Jampton

Today is Star Wars day...


May the 4th be with you...

Bad boy! Go to your room.[xx(]

[espeefoamer]

Took the Dr. Phil test. Got a 39. Had me nailed!

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by louisnash

Subject: Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds himself unable to
perform. He goes to his doctor who tries several things but nothing
seems to work. As a last resort, the doctor then refers him to a witch
doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He furnishes the man with some
white powder and some instructions on its use, and all he has to do is
say is '123' and his manhood would rise for as long as he wishes.

The 'patient' then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over
and I don't want to continue?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and
it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another
year!"

The man goes home all excited and that night he is ready to surprise his
wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most expensive shaving lotion.
After he gets into bed and he is lying next to his wife he says, "123"
and lo and behold, it rises just as the witch doctor had promised.

His wife was facing the other way and turns over towards him and says,
"What did you say '123' for?"

Brian (KY)

At the murder trial,no jury would convict him.[:)]

[locomutt]

To CVadeRR;

Ooh!

[Anonymous]

Someone pleeeeeeeeeease put macguy out of his misery[(-D]

[Anonymous]

Speaking of snails, did you hear about the snail that could drive and owned his own car?

That's right, and because he was a snail he had those personalized license plates with an "S" on them, and a big "S" painted on the sides of the doors.

Then everywhere that he went people would say, "Look at that S-Car Go!"

[:)]

[CShaveRR]

Hmmm...the Fourth is very powerful in young Jampton!

CVadeRR

[CShaveRR]

Let's all hope Doggy is outside enjoying the weather and chasing trains (there's a mental image for you!). Cabin fever could have been some of the problem.