Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:p] [:p] [:p]

(Stop talking about FOOD. [}:)] Yall are making me hungry. [:p] I have been having a powerful hankerin for fried catfi***oo, and of course, home made french fries, cole slaw, and some fried green maters. [;)] )


Today's joke reminded me of the forums. [8D]


My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.

An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy, is she r-u-d-e!"

"Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."

[cherokee woman]

[:D] [}:)] BRIAN, WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE!!

[louisnash]

This may have been posted before, but here it goes for all us southern rednecks!!

Brian(KY)

REDNECK CHURCH
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole
it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if..
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now! Ya' hear?

[louisnash]

Locomutt

How does that catfi***aste? I can get you some Frisch's tartar sauce and I can do the lemon juice.

Git-R-Done
Brian (KY)[:D]

[locomutt]

Jim,
You've out done your self!

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]

You all know I am a sucker for a tear jerking story. Grab a tissue, here we go. [;)]

http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRinspire437.htm

[locomutt]

Brian
Go home and wipe that smile off your face![:D][swg][}:)]

[louisnash]

I found one more.

Brian (KY)


Subject: Lemons


An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement
community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to confession and said,
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven
different women."
The priest replied, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and
drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that ****-eatin' grin off your face."

[louisnash]

I have never posted on this thread in all the time it has been here. I have read through quite a few and I can say they are good.

Brian (KY)



In the hospital

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to
the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out
if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and
room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is
fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if
she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home
Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's
wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close
family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap."

[espeefoamer]

An electrician comes home late from work,actually early AM,and a bit tipsy.His wife asks,"wire you insulate"?Through bloodshot eyes he replies,"quishurbichen,I'm ohm ain't I"?

[JoeKoh]

Eggs and tomatoes available please send check or money order to..........
stayin safe(duck matt)
Joe

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends:

No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

BOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!

[xx(][%-)][D)][:-,][X-)]

[locomutt]

OH!
Did you hear about the mehcanic who worked on carburetor

He went on a low carb diet!

[locomutt]

ZARDOZ
QUIT PLEASE?!
My wife is "BEATING THE HECK"out of me!
For some reason I resamble that remark!

[zardoz]

Subject: Booze


Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

[zardoz]

Really Bad Country Song Titles
-->

"I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond, and She Clubbed Me With a Spade"

"How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?"

"Mama Get the Hammer, There's a Fly on Papa's Head"

"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You"

"I Would've Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell "Yuck!"

"My Phone Ain't Been Ringin' So I Guess It Wasn't You"

"They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out"

For the complete list, see http://www.downstream.sk.ca/country.htm

[zardoz]

Baby Boomer Hit Songs Rewritten & Retitled to Reflect Current Feelings


Paul Simon — "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon — "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees — "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack — "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash — "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations — "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra — "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA — "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer — "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores — "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem — "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles — "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan — "Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys"
Herman's Hermits — "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones — "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival — "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye — "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who — "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs — "Bald Thing"

[zardoz]

A linguistics professor was expounding upon the differences in positives and negatives in different languages. According to this professor:

1.) In the English language, a double negative makes something a positive.

2.) In Russian and some related languages, double negative remains a negative.

3.) And the professor asserted there is no language, however, in which a double positive makes a negative.

When he made this last statement someone in the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

[zardoz]

Redneck medical sayings....

Artery............................The study of paintings
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic............................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C............................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Enema.......................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.........................A small lie
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail...................What you hang your coat on
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates
Node..........................I knew it
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.........A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................Darn near killed him
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure......................Roman emperor
Tablet.........................A small table
Terminal Illness.......Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................More than one
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

[zardoz]

Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends:

No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

[zardoz]

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life… you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony… YOU BECOME 21… YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"



May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

[zardoz]

2004 Version of You Might Be a Redneck if...


Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.

[zardoz]

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks intoa bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)]


Tonight I am tired so just read the following joke twice and laugh twice. [:D] [;)] [}:)]



Have you heard about the brown nosed duck?

He could fly just as fast as the other ducks but
couldn't stop as fast.


(Zardoz, you might have to explain this one to "you know who" lol. [;)] [}:)] [:D] )

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:p] [:p] [:p]


This is a good story. Take it however you want to see it. You can go the distance or get off at any place in between. [:)]



I Made A 41
============

Perhaps the only test score that I remember is the 41.
I was in high school. The class was taught by one of the two
teachers that impacted me most, Mr. Bales. The other teacher
was Mrs. Drew from the seventh grade. It's amazing how I can
remember from over 30 years ago my two most impacting teachers.

The eighth grade. It was a time when I, like most, didn't know
what I was to be in life. The drama of that time of youth was
simply get through school and make the long walk home.

There are some things that will still be like the eighth grade
when you get to be eighty.

The test was the final for the class. I remember anxiously
waiting as Mr. Bales passed out test after test. It was a
rather difficult test. I didn't know how well I had done but I
knew there were things on it that I didn't know.

The air whooshed around the pages as it made a gentle sound
plopping down. It was a rhythm as each student received their
test - plop, plop, plop.

I heard groan after groan that accompanied the plops.
I could tell by the groans that the grades weren't looking good.

Mr. Bales dropped the stapled pages on my desk.

There in big red numbers, circled to draw attention,
was my grade.

41

Groan!!!

I moved my paper where it wasn't in plain view, a 41 is not
something that you wanted your classmates to see.

After the final plop, Mr. Bales stood behind the worn desk that
had stood guard over countless students before me. He addressed
the none too jubilant class.

"The grades were not very good, none of you passed, so I will
have to consider grading on a scale," Mr. Bales announced.

"The highest grade in the class was a 41, so all of you
flunked," were the final words that I remember.

A 41. That's me.

Suddenly my dismal looking final didn't look quite so bad.
There were at least 30 students in the class. I had the highest
grade. I felt a whole lot better.

I walked home that day with the low but high grade safely tucked
away in my book satchel. My mother knew that I had a big test
that day and asked me as soon as I got home, "how did you do on
your test."

"I made a 41," I said.

My mother's expression changed. A frown now stood where a smile
was a few seconds earlier. I knew that I had to explain and
explain fast. "But mother, I had the highest grade in the
class," I proudly stated.

I knew that statement would change things. I had the highest
grade in the class, that made a difference.

My mother said, "You flunked."

"But I had the highest grade in the class!" I replied.

"I don't care what everyone else had, you flunked. It doesn't
matter if everyone else flunked too, what matters is what you
do," my mother firmly answered.

For years, I thought that was a harsh judgment. My mother was
always that way. It didn't matter what the other kids did, it
only mattered what I did and that I did it excellently.

We often don't understand the wisdom of good parents until we
ourselves stand in the parenting shoes. My mother's philosophy
has carried me throughout life. Don't worry about what the
crowd does.

The crowd often goes the wrong way.

If you follow the crowd, you will go to the same destination as
the crowd. The path of the crowd is wide and it is crowded.
The path to pass the tests of life is narrow and there are very
few people on it.

The path up the mountain is narrow; it is not crowded.

The path to health is narrow; it is not crowded.

The path to harmony, peace and happiness with your spouse is
narrow; it is not crowded.

The path to peace with yourself and the world is narrow; it is
not crowded.

I made a 41 and was proud of it, but it would not have gotten me
through the real tests.

The majority of spouses are not faithful, it's the crowd, and
even though you may be the smoothest deceiver of the group, you
are on the road to failure; it's not a passing grade.

The crowd eats fattening unhealthy fast food. That food sends
you to an early appointment with the doctor and the funeral
director. It's the food of the crowd.

The crowd spends no special time in prayer and meditation each
day. That leads to an unhealthy spirit. It's the way of the
crowd.

Thirty years after my mother said that she didn't care if I was
the best failure in the class, I understand why.

"Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to
destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate
and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

That's a quote that my mother lives by.

We often take comfort in the crowd; the only problem is that the
crowd is not comfortable.

PASS the class!


A MountainWings Original~


Well I hope you didn't get off at one of the "stops" in between. I plan on passing the test, and I KNOW the teacher. [;)] [:)]

[Mikeygaw]

go dinner!

hey... i just realized i past 200 posts... which at the rate i post, that was like two weeks ago problalby... see how much i pay attention

[edblysard]

Pleeeease, I just ate dinner....

Ed

[cherokee woman]

Darn it Jim, here I was hoping to see a picture of Kevin in the polka dotted bikini!!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Hey!!!

Thats the Dog that stole my underware!

No. seriously...

. . . and his girlfriend got your yellow polka-dotted bikini [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[Anonymous]

Hey!!!

Thats the Dog that stole my underware!

No. seriously...