Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Puckdropper]

True story:
We had returned home to Illinois, and at the Lacon United Methodist Church, the sign said, "I've missed you. --God"

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


From the This Day In History website:

June 14

1777 The Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopts the Stars and Stripes as the national flag, replacing the Grand Union flag.

1834 Isaac Fischer Jr. of Springfield, Vermont patents sandpaper.

1942 Walt Disney's Bambi is released.


Gee I didn't realize Bambi was THAT old. [;)]

[zardoz]

Explanation of Life
> >
> >
> >
> > On the first day God created the dog. God said,
> > "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
> > anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you
> > a life span of twenty years.
> >
> >
> >
> > "The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give
> > me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
> >
> > So God agreed.
> >
> > On the second day God created the monkey. God said,
> > "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them
> > laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
> >
> > The monkey said," How boring, monkey tricks for
> > twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back
> > ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
> >
> >
> > And God agreed.
> >
> > On the third day God created the cow. God said,
> > "You must go to the field with the farmer all day
> > long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
> > milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life
> > span of sixty years."
> >
> > The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want
> > me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and
> > I'll give back the other forty."
> >
> >
> >
> > And God agreed again.
> >
> > On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat,
> > sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give
> > you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty
> > years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the
> > forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave
> > back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes
> > eighty, okay?"
> >
> >
> > Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
> >
> > So that is why the first twenty years we eat,
> > sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty
> > years we slave in the sun to support our family; for
> > the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
> > the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit
> > on the front porch and bark at everyone.
> >
> > Life has now been explained to you. (Pa what did you
> > do to earn a few more years?)

[zardoz]

Make sense...
> >
> >
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to
you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

[vsmith]

Mexican quisine

A big, tall Texan was eating dinner in a local restaurant after a long day
of sightseeing and tequila-sipping in Mexico City. He noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the table next to his. Not only
did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter "What is that you just served? "

The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy! "

The Texan, although momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation.
Bring me an order! "

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then
that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platte, he called the
waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they are much smaller than
the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins."

[Noah Hofrichter]

espeefoamer and T scott, your right, that's why I posted it.[:D]

Noah

[cherokee woman]

CUSTOMER: WAITER, THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP!

WAITER: PLEASE BE QUIET. EVERYBODY WILL WANT ONE!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

CUSTOMER: WAITER, THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP!

WAITER: PLEASE BE QUIET. EVERYBODY WILL WANT ONE!

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:p] [:)] [8D]


This is a true story. (We haven't had a Jim Story in a while so sit down and shut up. [}:)] [;)] [:p] )

Years ago I attended a church where the Pastor had served in WWII. His service was in the Navy on an aircraft carrier. After the war he and the carrier were in Japan. He was given Shore Patrol duty. He walked his "beat" but when it came time for him to go off duty no one showed up to relieve him. So he was forced to stay out and keep on duty. Naturally he got hungry so he stopped in a little Japanese restaurant. He had some Japenese money and looked at the menu. Since he could not read it, he found something that he knew he had enough money for and pointed to it on the menu. After a few minutes the Japenese waitress came out with a bowl of soup. As he was eating his soup he noticed a white bug in his soup. He motioned for the waitress and she came over. He then pointed toward the bug in his soup. The little waitress headed off to the kitchen. Now the pastor is thinking she will bring him another bowl with no bugs in it. She come back from the kitchen and pours a small bowl of "bugs" into his soup. He was complaining that there WAS a bug in his soup but she thought he was
complaining that there were not enough bugs in his soup. [}:)] He left her money for his soup and a tip, then went back to work hungry.

Got to go now, bedtime. [;)]

[dharmon]

I think that's called the Ortkins Diet

[CShaveRR]

"Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?"

"Ummm...the backstroke?"

(Yeah, I know it's an oldie.)

[locomutt]

Carl,

That almost reminds me of why waiters carry spoons in their pockets.

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [:)] [8D] [:)]

Another story [:D] .

And yes, this one is true also. [:D]


While I was attending a Christian College years ago one of the students was from Japan. Man oh man did he make some darn good fried rice. One day I was over at his apartment when he received a care package from Japan. He was so excited and opened it and began eating all the "things" they had sent him. He was only too happy to share some of it with me. The one or two things I tried I just didn't care for at all, shucks no cheeseburger or fries. [:D] He then opened a package that I would say looked like a bag of potato chips. Only his "chips" were not potato chips they were dried minnows. He asked me if I wanted to try one? I replied, "No thanks, Masato, here we use those for fish bait."
[:D] [:p] [:D] [:p] [:D]

[tree68]

Dried minnows? How about octopus chips? A fellow airman from Hawaii got them in a care package from home when I was stationed in CA. I, too, deferred.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Dried minnows? How about octopus chips? A fellow airman from Hawaii got them in a care package from home when I was stationed in CA. I, too, deferred.

Dried minnows and dried octopus "jerky" ........that's some good eating in Korea

.....if that's all you got to eat.

......wash your hands afterwards

......voice of experience

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Dried minnows and dried octopus "jerky" ........that's some good eating in Korea

That coming from the same people who make Kim Chee (or however you spell it), NO THANKS. The smell is enough to knock you down. Eating it? Only if you have a death wish! [}:)] [;)]

[Anonymous]

From "This Day In History" website:

June 16

1903 The Pepsi Cola Company forms.

1933 U.S. Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) is created.

1995 Salt Lake City, Utah is awarded the XIX Winter Olympics in 2002.


I read that during WWII Coke set up bottleing plants in Europe because the GIs drank so much Coke they could not keep up with the demand. I am one who drinks Diet Coke and I like it much better than Diet Pepsi. Diet Pepsi taste like bottled medicine. YUCK [V] [:(] [:(!]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Dried minnows and dried octopus "jerky" ........that's some good eating in Korea

That coming from the same people who make Kim Chee (or however you spell it), NO THANKS. The smell is enough to knock you down. Eating it? Only if you have a death wish! [}:)] [;)]

I love the smell of Kimche in the morning..........it smells like ........Victory

[Anonymous]

It smelled like . . . upchuck to me. [:0] [B)] [:(]

You might want to explain . . .

[vsmith]

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: " What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [:)] [8D] [:)]

Another story [:D] .

And yes, this one is true also. [:D]


While I was attending a Christian College years ago one of the students was from Japan. Man oh man did he make some darn good fried rice. One day I was over at his apartment when he received a care package from Japan. He was so excited and opened it and began eating all the "things" they had sent him. He was only too happy to share some of it with me. The one or two things I tried I just didn't care for at all, shucks no cheeseburger or fries. [:D] He then opened a package that I would say looked like a bag of potato chips. Only his "chips" were not potato chips they were dried minnows. He asked me if I wanted to try one? I replied, "No thanks, Masato, here we use those for fish bait."
[:D] [:p] [:D] [:p] [:D]

Dried minnows sounds like what I used to give the Cats for a treat![:D]

[cherokee woman]

Okay, everybody on the forum knows how old I am: 52.

But do any of you know of a woman my age, who has to get her shoes in the children's
section of the shoe department?

I went to KMart earlier this afternoon to get a new pair of sneakers and a new pair of
houseshoes. The following is what I could find (and ended up buying) in my size:

sneakers: have lights on the sides and also in the end of the Velcro fashteners.

houseshoes: terry cloth slippers with Barbie on them that came with a pair of Barbie
flip flops.

Disgusting, isn't it?

[locomutt]

CW din't say what size she wears. Depending on the manufacturer,some where between a childs size 1-2. And in making the trip today to do this,she got wet from one of those things we weren't supposed to get.

(Remember she's only 4' 7" I try to water her ,but seems it is not working.[:D][}:)])

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)] [:p] [:)]

JIm is getting forgetful in his old age. One day past 29 and I go to pot. [;)]


- I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I
don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make
me happy.

- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

- If the world was a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.

- What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

- They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.


- Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his
car onto a freeway.

- Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

- Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.

- What if there were no hypothetical questions?

- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.

[zardoz]

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:
"HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT
ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you! "She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [:D] [:D] [:D]


- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a nail.

- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it
all"?

- The speed of time is one-second per second.

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like
one.

- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season [8D] [8D] [8D]

Quote of the Day

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper
is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the
tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the
America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of
arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the
three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush',
'***', and 'Colon'.

-Chris Rock

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


Where in the company, do you belong

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place
and put them in a room with only a table and two
chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see
what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in
Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign
them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good
spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses
and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is
their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps
they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table
and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come
from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them
well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to
the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is
it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the
medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest
of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman
continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my
condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[cherokee woman]

It does make you wonder how serious a condition is, when the dr. says you have to
take a certain medication for the rest of your life; then, when he writes out the
prescription, he writes "No refills" on it!! Think I would CHANGE DOCTORS, FAST!!

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [:D] [:D] [:D]


- When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a nail.

- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

- What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

- My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it
all"?

- The speed of time is one-second per second.

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you
explain whales?

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

- It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like
one.

- Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?

If it wasn't for the commercial,I never thought bufflo's HAD wings.