Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]


I received an email today about a certain person. Actually a modern day hero fighting in Iraq. Some have cast doubt on the story but I believe the following link to be very valid.

http://www.usmc.mil/marinelink/mcn2000.nsf/lookupstoryref/200456162723

[cherokee woman]

Jim,

I with you: I believe it to be true. It seems the news media likes to tell about only the
bad events over there and not any of the good.

[locomutt]

"sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".

Have you ever been hit by a 20 lb. dictionary before?!

[CShaveRR]

So, CW is good at more than just level swings, huh? What'd you do to deserve that?

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

So, CW is good at more than just level swings, huh? What'd you do to deserve that?

Carl,

What'd he do? He keeps calling me out to the computer to spell words for him:
and there's a DICTIONARY out here close to the computer[:0][:0]

[JoeKoh]

Ok CW i buy my wife a step stool why do i have to keep getting stuff down from the top cupboard?
stay safe
Joe

[cherokee woman]

Joe, buy her one of the gopher grabbers. I use it quite a bit, and we got one for our
neighbor across the street. Walt even uses it himself!!

BTW, how tall is Stacey? Bet she's taller than me!!

[Mikeygaw]

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040622/ap_on_fe_st/stinky_plant_1

stumbled upon this and it reminded me of a Simpsons episode.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040622/ap_on_fe_st/stinky_plant_1

stumbled upon this and it reminded me of a Simpsons episode.

I wonder IF I can order that from FTD? Now let me see, who is next on my list to receive "flowers"? [}:)] [}:)] [;)]

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]


The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the
moment you get up in the morning and does not stop
until you get into the office. [}:)] [;)] [:p]

[JoeKoh]

cw
stacey is 5'1" im 6'3"
stay safe
Joe

[Mikeygaw]

bah that's nothing... my cousin is about 5'4" or 5'5" and her husband is about 6'6" or 6'7"

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


Grocery shopping by the numbers. [;)]


My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned a short while later, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants and seven green peppers.

From Tops Greetins

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [8D] [;)] [8D]

I will be working all weekend again. [;)] [:(]


Laxative Cough Therapy

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes




Laxative Cough Therapy

A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, "Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."

Yeah, I know. That joke "stinks". lol lol lol [;)] [:D] [;)]

[cherokee woman]

You are so right, Jim: the joke STINKS!

[tree68]

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

[locomutt]

Larry,

Need a clothespin?!

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Larry,
Need a clothespin?!

Naw - the smell-o-vision on my computer is broke.

[cherokee woman]

Well Larry, I'd say you don't need a clothespin for the computer either.

[espeefoamer]

You may not need a clothespin,but something REALLY stinks![:0][:0][:(!][xx(]

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Make sense...
> >
> >
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"
She hit me.

4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to
you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."

#5 Been there,done that.[:(]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


Grocery shopping by the numbers. [;)]


My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned a short while later, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants and seven green peppers.

From Tops Greetins

Wish I had seen this one earlier[swg]

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]


Rejected Halmark Cards

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.


My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

To my ex on Valentines Day
After all these years
I am still missing you
But my aim is getting better

You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it....
She moved in with me

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Heard your sick
Glad its you.

[locomutt]

Thank goodness they rejected them.
Can you imagine spending time at the local card store,
reading these?

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:D] [:D] [:D]


Brain Cramps


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean
air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca


"I was provided with additional input that was
radically different from the truth. I assisted in
furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra
testimony.


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports
analyst.


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March
1992, because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a
change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina

[locomutt]

The following joke was in "The Funnybone" in our Sunday paper today:

Joey: "Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?"
Sam: "I don't know. Why?"
Joey: "Because he didn't have any body to go with."

DISCLAIMER; No clothespins supplied with the joke!!

[cherokee woman]

These are also from "The Funnybone":

A college student was needing party money. He wrote his dad a short letter
stating: "No mon, no fun. Your son. His dad got his letter and wrote him
back: "Too bad, so sad. Your dad."

A fellow went to the drugstore and purchased a box of mothballs. The next
day he returned and bought another box. The clerk was curious, so he asked,
"Do you have a lot of moths in your house?"
"Yes I do. I have been throwing these moth balls at them for two days, and I
have not been able to hit a single one!" he explained.

[vsmith]

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.


His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed.


He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.


People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the Bank to purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...... including........ the curtain rods.


I just love a happy ending.....

[locomutt]

Ah,to borrow a phrase from Larry,
I'm glad my smell-o-vision is broken![:D]