QUOTE: Originally posted by macguy QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68 QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...[:0][:0][:0][:0][:0][:0] True story - Public outhouse at a beach. Guy takes a pipe and rams it through into the pit from out behind the outhouse (a two-holer). Puts a funnel on end of pipe. Waits until someone is really committed to the matter at hand, then says, through the funnel: "Hey could you move over - we're painting down here." Occupant last seen leaving outhouse at high rate of speed.... [(-D] Wouldn't want to be haging around that funnel too long, mind you! Edit zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, July 9, 2004 7:55 AM TOP 10 THINGS IN GOLF THAT SOUND 'DIRTY' BUT ARE NOT: 10. Nuts... my shaft is bent. 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 8. You really whacked that ball. 7. Look at the size of his putter. 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more. 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it. 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first. cherokee woman Member sinceNovember 2003 From: Louisville, KY 9,002 posts Posted by cherokee woman on Friday, July 9, 2004 7:58 AM Zardoz, Good one. It's only dirty if your mind is in the gutter!! cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist." zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, July 9, 2004 7:59 AM TOP 10 THINGS IN THE OFFICE THAT SOUND 'DIRTY', BUT ARE NOT: 10. I need to be done in 5 minutes. 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, now!! 5. Hmmmm....I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old ...it takes for ever to finish. 3. It's an entry-level positon. 2. When do you think, you'll be getting off today? And the #1 thing in the office that sounds dirty but isn't: 1. It's not fair....I do all the work while she just sits there!! Mikeygaw Member sinceJuly 2003 From: Philadelphia, PA, USA 655 posts Posted by Mikeygaw on Saturday, July 10, 2004 9:05 PM http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html something rather... weird that i got by e-mail Conrail Forever! locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Saturday, July 10, 2004 9:18 PM Mikey, That was rather,well..............................................................................................[:D] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Monday, July 12, 2004 10:01 AM The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!" The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving with you sitting next to me." zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Monday, July 12, 2004 10:05 AM HOW TO DUMP A MAN: Dear _______________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) 1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. 2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion. 3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! 4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. 5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. 6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands! 7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants. 8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. 9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. 10. ___You have a hairy back. 11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. 12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. 13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. 14. ___You still live with your parents. 15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. 16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. 17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner. 18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. 19. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. 20. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, _________________________________ zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Monday, July 12, 2004 10:27 AM HOW TO ANNOY PEOPLE: 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others. 5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. 9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and cc: them to your boss. 10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room. 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 16. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 18. Honk and wave to strangers. 19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE. 21. type only in lowercase. 22. don t use any punctuation either 23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 27. Ask people what gender they are. 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 29. Sit in your yard pointing a hair drier at passing cars to see if they slow down. 30. Sing along at the opera. 31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." dharmon Member sinceAugust 2003 From: Bottom Left Corner, USA 3,420 posts Posted by dharmon on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 11:25 AM Aviationisms............. 1. Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death . I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71operating location Kadena, Japan). 2. You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot) 3. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 4. From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. 5. If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe. 6. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. 7. What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies. 8. Never trade luck for skill. 9. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh &^%$ !" 10. Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. 11. Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. 12. Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. 13. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. 14. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. 15. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! 16. Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries 17. Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. 18. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. 19. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. 20. Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. 21. The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) 22. A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) 23. If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot) 24. If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the *** down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator) 25. Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. 26. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,1970). 27. The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there) 28. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. 29. Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. 30. You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal. zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 12:47 PM I fear this thread is in imment dager of dying. few contributors, and few viewers. Perhaps this will help; it is a story similar to the one that I used to start this thread.... LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said. David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers. But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery. Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/414758|oddlyenough|07-13-2004::13:11|reuters.html dharmon Member sinceAugust 2003 From: Bottom Left Corner, USA 3,420 posts Posted by dharmon on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 12:52 PM So how do you plead Mr Walker? Guilty your Honor <in a falsetto voice> Or would it be...... I'd give my left _ _ _ for another pint! locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 2:38 PM dharmon, The one on "Aviationism" is too true.[^] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 2:40 PM It seems that there was a man walking a large dog,and had to go into the bank;he asked one of the Tellers if it was okay to bring the dog in with him. She said "yes","but DON'T let Him make a Deposit!" Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! espeefoamer Member sinceNovember 2003 From: West Coast 4,122 posts Posted by espeefoamer on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 5:10 PM That Dueling Banjos thread was hilarious![:p] Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool. cherokee woman Member sinceNovember 2003 From: Louisville, KY 9,002 posts Posted by cherokee woman on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 5:47 PM Originally posted by zardoz I fear this thread is in imment dager of dying. few contributors, and few viewers. Perhaps this will help; it is a story similar to the one that I used to start this thread.... LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said. David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers. But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery. Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/414758|oddlyenough|07-13-2004::13:11|reuters.html [/quote [}:)][}:)]OH OH, OH OH, OH OH[:0] cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist." tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 7:02 PM We'll just have to dig into the archives and see what we can find.... Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... CShaveRR Member sinceJune 2001 From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois 13,681 posts Posted by CShaveRR on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 7:55 PM Jim, We were in the car when CBS covered this story. They just mentioned that the guy shoved the shotgun in his pocket, then "Yes, you guessed it!". The WBBM anchor said, "So that really was a gun in his pocket!" Carl Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!) CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM) cherokee woman Member sinceNovember 2003 From: Louisville, KY 9,002 posts Posted by cherokee woman on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 9:04 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR Jim, We were in the car when CBS covered this story. They just mentioned that the guy shoved the shotgun in his pocket, then "Yes, you guessed it!". The WBBM anchor said, "So that really was a gun in his pocket!" [}:)] GEE: Ya think[?][}:)] cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist." Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 8:20 AM 2 0 , 0 0 0 . . . views W O W I wi***hat was $$$ in my checking account. [;)] Edit locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 11:28 AM QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes 2 0 , 0 0 0 . . . views W O W I wi***hat was $$$ in my checking account. [;)] Don't WE all[?][:D] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 12:20 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz [Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. I guess you could say he "sang." Soprano no doubt...[:p] Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... cherokee woman Member sinceNovember 2003 From: Louisville, KY 9,002 posts Posted by cherokee woman on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 2:15 PM Larry, Whatever gave you THAT idea?! cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist." tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 3:24 PM Warning to post above your PC: Alles Lookenspeepers: Das computenmachine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken and mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit das spitzsparken. Is nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen der hands in das pockets. Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights! Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... Kathi Kube Member sinceDecember 2002 From: Waukesha, WI 271 posts Posted by Kathi Kube on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 4:15 PM Larry, that's kinda scary—but I followed it. This, on the other hand, was just posted to the AP News Wire. What on earth could the man have said to the receptionist at the ER? "Excuse me, ma'am. I have a serious gas problem," perhaps?? Kathi Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Published: July 14, 2004 Filed at 4:28 p.m. ET BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette. Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday. The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not ``take too kindly'' to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services. ------ Information from: The Dominion Post, http://www.dominionpost.com Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 5:04 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by Kathi Kube Larry, that's kinda scary—but I followed it. This, on the other hand, was just posted to the AP News Wire. What on earth could the man have said to the receptionist at the ER? "Excuse me, ma'am. I have a serious gas problem," perhaps?? Kathi Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Published: July 14, 2004 Filed at 4:28 p.m. ET BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette. Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday. The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not ``take too kindly'' to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services. ------ Information from: The Dominion Post, http://www.dominionpost.com So thats what happens when you light a match in a porti potty.....[:0] i betya he'd didn't smell too pleasing....[(-D][:O] Edit locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 5:05 PM Kathi, Was he smoking pot[?][:D] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! vsmith Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Smoggy L.A. 10,743 posts Posted by vsmith on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 5:50 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz I fear this thread is in imment dager of dying. few contributors, and few viewers. Perhaps this will help; it is a story similar to the one that I used to start this thread.... LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said. David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers. But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery. Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/414758|oddlyenough|07-13-2004::13:11|reuters.html Sorry Big Z, If he had died we could award him a posthumous a Darwin Award[;)], but as he survived all we can offer is an Honorary Mention Award....[:D] Have fun with your trains tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Thursday, July 15, 2004 6:52 AM Definitely for off-duty: Subject: Beer Troubleshooting SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, July 15, 2004 10:24 AM I can relate to the following article. I wanted to be on the road by 9 am. Here is it 1015 and have not started my trip. If I am lucky by 1130 I MIGHT get started. HOPEFULLY but don't bet on it. [:(] I still have several "things" to do around the house, and THAT coke can is still on the table, where are my glasses, does anyone know where my keys are? Who spilled the water on the floor, and let's not forget to pick up the paper the dog torn into little pieces? OH, yeah, I need to write a note to the neighbor, shave, shower, and the 3rd military " S " (for those who know what it is [;)] [}:)] [;)] ). The mail might be here by 1115, so I need to mail some items, oh yeah, the trash, and also the dishwasher needs started. I NEED A MAID ( and a mind ) [8D] Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. ( And I am only 29 [:D] [;)] -- swamp land still for sale too ) These are my symptoms: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the kitchen table. (There pretty much always is too.) I decide to go through the mail before I wa***he car. (Don't want to forget something important, ya know.) I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to pu***he Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! Ya buddy, just wait and see. [;)] Now, what WAS I going to do? Oh yeah, finish getting ready for my trip. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. [8D] Edit « First«58596061626364»Last » Join our Community! Our community is FREE to join. 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QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68 QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...[:0][:0][:0][:0][:0][:0] True story - Public outhouse at a beach. Guy takes a pipe and rams it through into the pit from out behind the outhouse (a two-holer). Puts a funnel on end of pipe. Waits until someone is really committed to the matter at hand, then says, through the funnel: "Hey could you move over - we're painting down here." Occupant last seen leaving outhouse at high rate of speed.... [(-D] Wouldn't want to be haging around that funnel too long, mind you!
QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...[:0][:0][:0][:0][:0][:0] True story - Public outhouse at a beach. Guy takes a pipe and rams it through into the pit from out behind the outhouse (a two-holer). Puts a funnel on end of pipe. Waits until someone is really committed to the matter at hand, then says, through the funnel: "Hey could you move over - we're painting down here." Occupant last seen leaving outhouse at high rate of speed....
Could be FAR worse...seams like twice every year I read about some guy wrapped head to toe in cellophane with a flashlight, being pulled out of a campgroung toilet pit, apparently they like to climb down and "watch"...[:0][:0][:0][:0][:0][:0]
Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!
Originally posted by zardoz I fear this thread is in imment dager of dying. few contributors, and few viewers. Perhaps this will help; it is a story similar to the one that I used to start this thread.... LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said. David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers. But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery. Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/414758|oddlyenough|07-13-2004::13:11|reuters.html [/quote [}:)][}:)]OH OH, OH OH, OH OH[:0] cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist." tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 7:02 PM We'll just have to dig into the archives and see what we can find.... Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... CShaveRR Member sinceJune 2001 From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois 13,681 posts Posted by CShaveRR on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 7:55 PM Jim, We were in the car when CBS covered this story. They just mentioned that the guy shoved the shotgun in his pocket, then "Yes, you guessed it!". The WBBM anchor said, "So that really was a gun in his pocket!" Carl Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!) CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM) cherokee woman Member sinceNovember 2003 From: Louisville, KY 9,002 posts Posted by cherokee woman on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 9:04 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR Jim, We were in the car when CBS covered this story. They just mentioned that the guy shoved the shotgun in his pocket, then "Yes, you guessed it!". The WBBM anchor said, "So that really was a gun in his pocket!" [}:)] GEE: Ya think[?][}:)] cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist." Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 8:20 AM 2 0 , 0 0 0 . . . views W O W I wi***hat was $$$ in my checking account. [;)] Edit locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 11:28 AM QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes 2 0 , 0 0 0 . . . views W O W I wi***hat was $$$ in my checking account. [;)] Don't WE all[?][:D] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 12:20 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz [Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. I guess you could say he "sang." Soprano no doubt...[:p] Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... cherokee woman Member sinceNovember 2003 From: Louisville, KY 9,002 posts Posted by cherokee woman on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 2:15 PM Larry, Whatever gave you THAT idea?! cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist." tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 3:24 PM Warning to post above your PC: Alles Lookenspeepers: Das computenmachine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken and mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit das spitzsparken. Is nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen der hands in das pockets. Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights! Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... Kathi Kube Member sinceDecember 2002 From: Waukesha, WI 271 posts Posted by Kathi Kube on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 4:15 PM Larry, that's kinda scary—but I followed it. This, on the other hand, was just posted to the AP News Wire. What on earth could the man have said to the receptionist at the ER? "Excuse me, ma'am. I have a serious gas problem," perhaps?? Kathi Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Published: July 14, 2004 Filed at 4:28 p.m. ET BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette. Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday. The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not ``take too kindly'' to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services. ------ Information from: The Dominion Post, http://www.dominionpost.com Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 5:04 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by Kathi Kube Larry, that's kinda scary—but I followed it. This, on the other hand, was just posted to the AP News Wire. What on earth could the man have said to the receptionist at the ER? "Excuse me, ma'am. I have a serious gas problem," perhaps?? Kathi Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Published: July 14, 2004 Filed at 4:28 p.m. ET BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette. Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday. The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not ``take too kindly'' to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services. ------ Information from: The Dominion Post, http://www.dominionpost.com So thats what happens when you light a match in a porti potty.....[:0] i betya he'd didn't smell too pleasing....[(-D][:O] Edit locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 5:05 PM Kathi, Was he smoking pot[?][:D] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! vsmith Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Smoggy L.A. 10,743 posts Posted by vsmith on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 5:50 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz I fear this thread is in imment dager of dying. few contributors, and few viewers. Perhaps this will help; it is a story similar to the one that I used to start this thread.... LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said. David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers. But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery. Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/414758|oddlyenough|07-13-2004::13:11|reuters.html Sorry Big Z, If he had died we could award him a posthumous a Darwin Award[;)], but as he survived all we can offer is an Honorary Mention Award....[:D] Have fun with your trains tree68 Member sinceDecember 2001 From: Northern New York 25,025 posts Posted by tree68 on Thursday, July 15, 2004 6:52 AM Definitely for off-duty: Subject: Beer Troubleshooting SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it... Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, July 15, 2004 10:24 AM I can relate to the following article. I wanted to be on the road by 9 am. Here is it 1015 and have not started my trip. If I am lucky by 1130 I MIGHT get started. HOPEFULLY but don't bet on it. [:(] I still have several "things" to do around the house, and THAT coke can is still on the table, where are my glasses, does anyone know where my keys are? Who spilled the water on the floor, and let's not forget to pick up the paper the dog torn into little pieces? OH, yeah, I need to write a note to the neighbor, shave, shower, and the 3rd military " S " (for those who know what it is [;)] [}:)] [;)] ). The mail might be here by 1115, so I need to mail some items, oh yeah, the trash, and also the dishwasher needs started. I NEED A MAID ( and a mind ) [8D] Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. ( And I am only 29 [:D] [;)] -- swamp land still for sale too ) These are my symptoms: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the kitchen table. (There pretty much always is too.) I decide to go through the mail before I wa***he car. (Don't want to forget something important, ya know.) I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to pu***he Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! Ya buddy, just wait and see. [;)] Now, what WAS I going to do? Oh yeah, finish getting ready for my trip. Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. [8D] Edit « First«58596061626364»Last » Join our Community! Our community is FREE to join. 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Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR Jim, We were in the car when CBS covered this story. They just mentioned that the guy shoved the shotgun in his pocket, then "Yes, you guessed it!". The WBBM anchor said, "So that really was a gun in his pocket!"
QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes 2 0 , 0 0 0 . . . views W O W I wi***hat was $$$ in my checking account. [;)]
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz [Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield.
QUOTE: Originally posted by Kathi Kube Larry, that's kinda scary—but I followed it. This, on the other hand, was just posted to the AP News Wire. What on earth could the man have said to the receptionist at the ER? "Excuse me, ma'am. I have a serious gas problem," perhaps?? Kathi Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Published: July 14, 2004 Filed at 4:28 p.m. ET BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) -- Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette. Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday. The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not ``take too kindly'' to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services. ------ Information from: The Dominion Post, http://www.dominionpost.com
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz I fear this thread is in imment dager of dying. few contributors, and few viewers. Perhaps this will help; it is a story similar to the one that I used to start this thread.... LONDON (Reuters) - A British man who accidentally shot himself in the testicles after drinking 15 pints of beer was jailed for five years on Tuesday for possessing an illegal firearm, a court spokesman said. David Walker, 28, was arguing with a friend at a pub in South Yorkshire, northern England, when he went home to get his sawed-off shotgun, which he jammed into his trousers. But as he walked back to the pub, the gun went off, blasting pellets into his testicles. Doctors later removed what remained of his testicles during emergency surgery. Walker admitted possessing a prohibited weapon at a hearing in June at the court in Sheffield. http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/414758|oddlyenough|07-13-2004::13:11|reuters.html
Have fun with your trains
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