Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[tree68]

Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.

"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Eager to make full use of my new computer's capabilities, I asked a customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.

"Certainly," she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near the tellers. "The line starts over there."

Now how true is that[?]

Uh,did they have the velvet rope[?][:D][}:)]

[zardoz]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ' till the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

[zardoz]

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. She instructs him to choose and enter a password he wants to use when logging on. The husband, in a rather amorous mood, figures he will try for a shock effect to bring his mood to his wife's attention. When the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in "***"...

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

[zardoz]

She was So Blonde . . .
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."


She Was So Blonde...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."


She was So Blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate.."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


She was So Blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport "Left", she turned around and went home.


She Was So Blonde...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."


AND the ALL TIME FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[zardoz]

This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding services of the latter.
"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think youare the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ***... That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!
Yours truly,
A Commuter"

[Mookie]

Zardoz: [:D]

Mookie

[zardoz]

Political Humor


Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.
The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."

The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals in the Sydney Olympics.

The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's *** and a ten gallon hat. two years ago he became the president of the United States.

[zardoz]

A married lady calls her landlord from her tenement apartment in lower Chicago, and he agrees to come hear her complaint. A half hour later, a little old man arrives at the door.
He says, "Well, what's the complaint?"

She says, "Every time a train goes by and I'm lying in bed, the room shakes so much I almost fall out."

They go into the bedroom, and he lies on the bed.

Just then, her husband comes home, walks into the room, and sees the little old guy on the bed.

He says, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Would you believe waiting for a train?"

[Mookie]

this one goes home!

[CShaveRR]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz
"A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's *** and a ten gallon hat. two years ago he became the president of the United States.

Aww...come on, now!

We know Santa Fe freight trains don't go 100 miles an nour!

[CShaveRR]

As for the blondes, I'm the father of a pair of them, one of which fits a lot of the stereotypes. (I'm also married to someone whom I like to describe as "silver-blonde" at times.)

I was in the bar a few days ago (don't tell the silver-blonde!), when four blondes come in, grab a big table and order drinks. It's obviously a celebration of sorts...every once in a while I hear a cry of "forty-one days!" which gets a yell of approval from the rest of the table. Another blonde comes in, and the high-fives are exchanged, along with the "forty-one days!" cry.

Then in come four more blondes. One of them is holding a framed picture. This time the celebration turns especially raucous. "Forty-one days! Wooo-hoooo!". High fives, a Conga line around the table, the works. I had to see what was going on.

So I tapped the shoulder of the nearest blonde. She turns around, gives me a big hug, and yells "Forty-one Days! We did it in 41 days!"

"What did you do?"

"This puzzle!" She gestures toward the framed picture on the table. "The box said '18 months to 3 years', and we did it in only 41 days!"

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

As for the blondes, I'm the father of a pair of them, one of which fits a lot of the stereotypes. (I'm also married to someone whom I like to describe as "silver-blonde" at times.)

I was in the bar a few days ago (don't tell the silver-blonde!), when four blondes come in, grab a big table and order drinks. It's obviously a celebration of sorts...every once in a while I hear a cry of "forty-one days!" which gets a yell of approval from the rest of the table. Another blond comes in, and the high-fives are exchanged, along with the "forty-one days!" cry.

Then in come four more blondes. One of them is holding a framed picture. This time the celebration turns especially raucous. "Forty-one days! Wooo-hoooo!". High fives, a Conga line around the table, the works. I had to see what was going on.

So I tapped the shoulder of the nearest blonde. She turns around, gives me a big hug, and yells "Forty-one Days! We did it in 41 days!"

"What did you do?"

"This puzzle!" She gestures toward the framed picture on the table. "The box said '18 months to 3 years', and we did it in only 41 days!"

CARL,

I'm glad this IS humor,you should be ashamed of yourself for that one![:D][:p]

In the accident,No clothespins,were involved![:D][}:)]

[vsmith]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked
the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[tree68]

A somewhat inexperienced musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the band leader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard! It's up to you. Either sync or swim."

(I was going to change that to a dinner train, but the punchline didn't work....)

[locomutt]

Larry,

Is that anything like synchronized swiming[?][:D][}:)]

[vsmith]

this is REALLY cool.....

http://www.njagyouth.org/liberty.htm

[cherokee woman]

You're right Vic: that was cool!!

[espeefoamer]

Vic, that was awesome![8D][8D][8D]

[locomutt]

Vic,
That one was VERY cool!

[Mikeygaw]

pulled these two off of newsoftheweird.com...


1996 -- Reading, Pa., county controller Judith Kraines complained at a commissioners' meeting in January about having to type letters and do other business on a typewriter because her computer was old and no one had been able to get it to work for two years. "If we had a computer," she said, "letters would go out faster." Three days later, she announced that the computer she was complaining about in fact had not been plugged into any electrical outlet and that when the plug was inserted and the computer was turned on, it worked fine.


1995 -- In Somerset, Pa., in July, Mr. Ali Burke, 25, was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct at a McDonald's after he squirted ketchup on the nose of the Hamburgler and licked it off.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw




1995 -- In Somerset, Pa., in July, Mr. Ali Burke, 25, was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct at a McDonald's after he squirted ketchup on the nose of the Hamburgler and licked it off.

I hope they got him "professional" help.


Around here we had a guy who sold shoes and was arrested for sucking on womens toes. [:0] [B)]


SOME people's kids. [:0]

Toes, noses, get them help.

[Puckdropper]

Just a few thoughts from me:

For every driver on the road, there are at least two dipsticks.

If you see a blonde stopped at one of those "Do not Pass" signs... Well, you know she can read.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Puckdropper



For every driver on the road, there are at least two dipsticks.

Good one Puckdropper. [:D] [;)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

For a little "fun" try this. It might not be too fun for some. I graduated 3 rd grage but it was a "few" years ago. Now let's see, where does "Charleston" go?

Have fun.

http://www.funforwards.com/funpages/view.cfm/4716

[CShaveRR]

And you know what? When I was in the fourth grade, there were only 48 states!
(Just barely...Alaska was admitted the summer afterwards, I believe).

Haven't we had something like this before? I tried to put Lansing on Michigan's Upper Peninsula and got "boinged" for it. Shame on them!

[Anonymous]

I am FED UP with AOL allowing Porn IM. I was in the middle of typing another post here and got one. I didn't accept it but since I was typing it somehow "accepted itself" and showed up on my screen. Not only did it show up it caused me to lose the post I was typing so I have to start it all over again. [:(!] [:(!] [:(!]

AOL is about to get the "Boot" from me.


OK, here we go AGAIN.

In a news article from the AOL News:

When it comes to eating hot dogs, ''The Tsunami'' still blows everybody away. For the fourth straight year, rail-thin Takeru Kobayashi chewed up the competition at the Nathan's Famous hot dog eating competition Sunday, breaking his own previous world record. (A small quote from the article.)

This Japanses guy is 26 and comes over here to win the contest. Another Japanese guy was second. Several Americans want to "unseat" him but so far have been unsuccessful. Since this is an AOL News article if you don't have AOL you won't be allowed to see it so I won't posts a link to it. You might find it somewhere else on the net. That is "if" you are interested. [;)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

And you know what? When I was in the fourth grade, there were only 48 states!
(Just barely...Alaska was admitted the summer afterwards, I believe).

Haven't we had something like this before? I tried to put Lansing on Michigan's Upper Peninsula and got "boinged" for it. Shame on them!

Yes, but IT was for putting the state's name in the correct state. This one puts the correct capital of the state in that state (hopefully anyway). [;)]

Have Fun [:D].

[cherokee woman]

Okay, I'll tell my score: 23 out of 48. How did the rest of you do?!

Jim, is there a city in Arkansas called "Clinton"? If so, why is it not the
capitol[?] [}:)]

[CShaveRR]

I got 48 (they allowed me to "correctly" place Lansing on the Lower Peninsula.

Paula, looking at an old Official Guide, there is a town named Clinton in each of 24 states and two Canadian provinces...but not Arkansas (unless it didn't have a railroad to it). Maybe they'll rename Little Rock...