Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

True dat, true dat.

[Modelcar]

....How far can you go into the woods....and how long is a piece of string....and yes, the freezer does have a light.

[cherokee woman]

Can anyone ever reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

[Anonymous]

I did once, and it wound up to be fools gold.

Hey Cherokee woman, call me observant, call it obvious, But you just Earned your first star! Congradulations!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Can anyone ever reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Congrats on the new star [8D]

Number 2 Star just around the corner. [:)]

[Anonymous]

The Sunday Funnies [:D] [;)] [^]



The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine
author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that
great-uncle George, who was executed in the
electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George
occupied a chair of applied electronics at an
important government institution, was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and his death came
as a great shock."

[JoeKoh]

grandma trying to get matt to stop jumping on a jogging trampoline after she showed it to him.wheres the video camera?
stay safe
joe

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Modelcar

....How far can you go into the woods....

Q [:D]

Since no one has attempted to answer your question I will. [:)]

You can only go half way into the woods.

Now I am going to stop there and give someone else a chance to finish it. Let's see how long it takes given that info. [}:)] [;)]

[Anonymous]

If you have a joke or short story that you would like to see posted but don't want to post it yourself you are welcome to send it to me. Some already have. I will give you credit if you want me to, or keep it a secret between us. [}:)]

I only ask that whatever it is not violate the forum's standards of conduct and good taste. I like humor, but we must be civil about it. [:)]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

The Sunday Funnies [:D] [;)] [^]



The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine
author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that
great-uncle George, who was executed in the
electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George
occupied a chair of applied electronics at an
important government institution, was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and his death came
as a great shock."

Who's been showing you the family tree???

[Anonymous]

Vic [8D]


lol lol lol [;)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

I finally read that joke about Alaska on page 31. Funny[(-D][(-D]
But some part of it is true also. If you live in small town, the nearest neighbor can be 50 miles away, nearest hospital hundreds or even thousands away, and you might have to fly to Anchorage for your shopping, because food cost 3 or 4 times more near you. That is life in 49th state.

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by Modelcar

....How far can you go into the woods....

Q [:D]

Since no one has attempted to answer your question I will. [:)]

You can only go half way into the woods.

Now I am going to stop there and give someone else a chance to finish it. Let's see how long it takes given that info. [}:)] [;)]

After you go halfway INTO the woods, you're working on going halfway OUT of the woods.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by Modelcar

....How far can you go into the woods....

Q [:D]

Since no one has attempted to answer your question I will. [:)]

You can only go half way into the woods.

Now I am going to stop there and give someone else a chance to finish it. Let's see how long it takes given that info. [}:)] [;)]

After you go halfway INTO the woods, you're working on going halfway OUT of the woods.

B I N G O [:D] [;)] [:)]

[Mikeygaw]

[quote

B I N G O [:D] [;)] [:)]

[rrnut282]

Well if we're going to answer the unanswerable questions, I'll bite on the end of the rainbow one. the answer is there is no pot of gold at the end because there is no end to a rainbow. When viewed from the side in the air, a rainbow is a circle. It just looks like an arch from the ground because the horizon blocks our view of the bottom half.

[zardoz]

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator


Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It`s a Small World" incessantly.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I`ve got new socks on!"

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You`re one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and pu***he red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

[zardoz]

Automobile Acronyms - What They Really Mean


AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover
Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

[zardoz]

Words To Live By


Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

He who hesitates is probably right

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach

Two wrongs are only the beginning

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

A fool and his money are soon partying

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

How many believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. It will be a great trade

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Everybody repeat after me, "We are all individuals."

Death to fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts - on the last Geraldo

Love may be blind, but marriage is an eye opener

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back

Beware of geeks bearing gifts

Half the people you know are below average

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

and finally....

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely is not for you

[Kathi Kube]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes


Have you ever wondered about . . . . . . .

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

Yes, I have!

QUOTE:


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

I definitely used to wonder about that not too many years ago.

QUOTE:


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Eauwwwwww!!!! [xx(][xx(]

QUOTE:


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make
it arrive faster?

No, it definitely does not. Trust me. I keep trying to make it work that way at least twice everyday and it hasn't obeyed me yet. But I can tell it's getting weak. I will prevail...!

[;)]

Kathi

[Kathi Kube]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

*snip*

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Oh, man. I have SO got to try these!![(-D][(-D][(-D]

Mark? Bergie? How 'bout lunch? [swg] Let's take ... the elevator...[:-^][(-D][(-D]

Kathi

[zardoz]

Family Stress Test


Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it
is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we
can talk".

2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the
number of people in the family.

7. ____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement
officials.

9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take
out the trash.

10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

[zardoz]

The following quiz is designed to measure the *** level of the public:

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video
store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs NFC championship

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. sex

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. ***-cat?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over

[Anonymous]

The next edition of the Humor Thread Paper is here . . . . . . [;)] [:p] [:)]


A funny thing happened to me the other night. Here are the details.


Saturday nite, about 9:00 pm, I was driving down a
dimly lit street in one of the more seemy parts of . . .
well I better not say.


..All of a sudden, out of the darkness appeared a
scantily dressed young woman, waving at me. I
naturally assumed that she was in some sort of need
and distress, so I pulled over, rolled down the window
and asked if I could help.

She told me that she was okay, just wanted some money.
I told her that I wasn't in the habit of giving people
money for doin' nothing. She replied that she would do
anything for $50.00. I asked her if doing several
things was the same price. She said that that would be
another $25.00. I said that was just fine with me and
told her to get in the car.

I took her home and had her..... wash both cars, clean
out the gutters, seed and fertilize the lawn, wa***he
windows, caulk and paint my storage shed and reseal
the driveway.

Think I just might go back to the same area when I
need some more chores done, better than putting an ad
in the paper. [:D] [:D] [:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

The following quiz is designed to measure the *** level of the public:

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video
store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs NFC championship

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. sex

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. ***-cat?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over

LOL that was So good, I had to print it.!

[Anonymous]

Well, speaking of elevators, I accidently.. Ok well maybe accidently on purpose.. pu***he button with the Firemans hat on it, I wasn't quite sure what it did...

BUT I FOUND OUT!

Another one of Lifes mysteries solved!

[zardoz]

BTW-

The "Stupid Question" thread my have over 10,000 views, but here we're #1 with regards to posts!!!!

Way to go fellow humorians (I just made that up)!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Automobile Acronyms - What They Really Mean


AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover
Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Heres a couple more:

BMW = Break My Windows

GM = Garbage Makers

Izusu = no acronym, thats just the sound it makes when you try to start it...
Izusu-su-su-su-su-su-suu-suuu-suuuuu

[zardoz]

vsmith--you're lucky number 777 on this post. Quick, get your lottery ticket.

[Anonymous]

Hey mikey! How'd those Flyers do tonight?

tee hee hee