Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[CShaveRR]

Re: Texaco...

Fire Chief.

[Anonymous]

HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

IT'SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

WORKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


[:)] [:p] [:I] [8D] [:o)] [:D] [:p] [^] [8D] [:p] [:)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers [:D]


Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you
use the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with the hopes that something new to eat will have
materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message
'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think
people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it
up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum
one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from
the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?


Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we
use them? If not then what was the purpose of the
bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you
kept drying your clothes would they eventually just
disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our
ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing
so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right,
so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off the table you always manage to
knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard
sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the
stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as
it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right
answers?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is
man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays?
Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the
year?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just
a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but
when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with
the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember
everything?

Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After
all there's no sense in two people remembering the
same things right?

Is the real reason women live longer then men because
they don't have to live with women?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing
it like your wife told you to?

[Anonymous]

Hey it's -21 outside, Yes nice and warm!

We have no power! HORRAY! Who said Ge can';t make crap? theres a GE generator humming its little tune outside, keeping me here!

its a matter of time before we have half the neighborhood flocking to our house! YEY! jsut what I love! It's not that i don't have any hospitality in me, it's jsut that.. well... It's a little early and i don't like it when theres a billion people inside.

Well i'm going downstairs, and i'm going to remove the welcome mat.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Well i'm going downstairs, and i'm going to remove the welcome mat.

KevMacMan [8D]

Don't worry, they won't stay long, why with your charm and hospitality they will be beating down the door, TO LEAVE. [;)] [;)] [;)] [:p] [:p] [:p] [:D] [:D] [:D]

[Anonymous]

And thats exactly what I want... especually if its HER friends... Her friends are so ignoramous i want to beat myself with a lead pipe whenever i hear them speak.

[Anonymous]

And Now the News . . .

This Day in History . . . I love History [:D]


In 1943 . . . . President Franklin D. Roosevelt becomes the first president to fly while in office. The flight was to a meeting with Prime Minister Winston Churchill. He boarded in Miani and flew to French Morocco.


And For the Sports Fans . . . . . .

In 1973 the Miani Dolphins beat the Washington Redskins and became the first NFL team to be undefeated for the entire season. Super Bowl VII was played in Memorial Coliseum Los Angeles, California, with the final score Miani 14, Washington 7.

[Anonymous]

Common Jim, I'm waiting for RR history!

[CShaveRR]

I was having lunch yesterday with a bunch of retired railroaders, and this one came out:

There once was a guy who, after many unhappy years of marriage, finally had it. He decided that his wife must go. Of course, he couldn't kill her, so he called his cousin.

"No, I couldn't kill somebody I knew. But I'll send over this friend of mine..."

Next day there was a knock at the door. "I'm Artie. I hear you have a problem I might be able to help with."

The husband explains. Artie responds, "Sure, I can handle that. But it will cost you $10,000, and I need $5,000 of that up front."

Sadly, the husband says, $10,000 is no problem, but I only have one dollar on me right now."

Artie, noting the husband's ovious disappointment, says, "That's OK. Just give me the buck, and I'll take care of it."

The next day, the unsuspecting wife goes shopping at the local Safeway store. She enters the parking lot. And as she gets out of her car, Artie is there. He quickly grabs her by the throat and strangles her. After he eases her lifeless body back into the car, he takes a nervous look around. He realizes that two cars down a guy had seen the whole incident, and was rushing into the store to tell someone.

Quickly Artie tackles the guy and strangles him, too. But by this time there were quite a few witnesses. Artie is helpless, and eventually the whole story comes out. The newspaper headline the next day:

ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00 AT SAFEWAY

[Anonymous]

Hey I don't like artie-chokes. [}:)] [;)] [:D]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

I was having lunch yesterday with a bunch of retired railroaders, and this one came out:

There once was a guy who, after many unhappy years of marriage, finally had it. He decided that his wife must go. Of course, he couldn't kill her, so he called his cousin.

"No, I couldn't kill somebody I knew. But I'll send over this friend of mine..."

Next day there was a knock at the door. "I'm Artie. I hear you have a problem I might be able to help with."

The husband explains. Artie responds, "Sure, I can handle that. But it will cost you $10,000, and I need $5,000 of that up front."

Sadly, the husband says, $10,000 is no problem, but I only have one dollar on me right now."

Artie, noting the husband's ovious disappointment, says, "That's OK. Just give me the buck, and I'll take care of it."

The next day, the unsuspecting wife goes shopping at the local Safeway store. She enters the parking lot. And as she gets out of her car, Artie is there. He quickly grabs her by the throat and strangles her. After he eases her lifeless body back into the car, he takes a nervous look around. He realizes that two cars down a guy had seen the whole incident, and was rushing into the store to tell someone.

Quickly Artie tackles the guy and strangles him, too. But by this time there were quite a few witnesses. Artie is helpless, and eventually the whole story comes out. The newspaper headline the next day:

ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00 AT SAFEWAY

I BE CHOKED, on this one.

"It might choke Artie, but it ain't gonna choke me!" ...Stymie, from Hal Roach's Little Rascals.

[Mookie]

That is so horrible I can smell it clear over here in Newbrasskey

[Anonymous]

Mook you think that is bad.. you should hear the joke about the Trash can

Actually nevermind, it really Stinks.

[zardoz]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
==================================================================
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
=================================================================
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
====================================================================
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
================================================================

[tree68]

Two guys from Marquette, Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Vell, ya know, we're from Nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit ya know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again the two guys reply, "Vell, like we told you yesterday, we're from Nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a vee bit ya know."

This gets the devil quite steamed so he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself." The two Michiganders reply, "Vell, ya know, we don't get too much varm weather up dere in Marquette, Michigan we've just got to have a fish fry when the veather's this nice." The devil is absolutely furious; he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gna***heir teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michiganders. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumb founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know, If hell froze over dat must mean da Lions von da super bowl!!!"

[JoeKoh]

Or the cubs won the world series.(eventhough I'm a reds fan)
stay safe
Joe

[cherokee woman]

Is there room on the couch in the corner for Carl and Larry? Those jokes are baaaddddd.[}:)][:P]

[CShaveRR]

Well, Ms. Cherokee, according to Forum legend, I'm already there!

Actually, I found that joke about "Da Udder UP" refreshing (having some in-laws who lived there for a while and are just as good at poking fun at that accent).

[tree68]

It's been said that I'm an invertebrate punster (totally spineless).

Which would be why I like the story about the poet who became so obsessed with his craft that he took to going straight to his desk upon rising each morning so he could start writing sooner.

His friends said he was going from bed to verse.

[:P]

[locomutt]

Mookie, I really like your saying.
It really does say something important, even if just
for yourself[^][swg][tup]

Mr Shaver Eventhough your answer was correct,
you proceeded to manage to get the AW S****! before the ATTABOY!
I don't think I've ever seen that happen before. Better luck
next time. Actually you might have gotten the Attaboy;but that "joke[tdn]"
Well you know what I mean.

Kathi: we are all still waiting for yours. Right now I give![swg]

[cherokee woman]

Kev, here's a couple of websites I thought you might find interesting:

http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor147.HTM and

http://www.flowgo.com/rsubj_ng.cfm?p=84428&d=01-14-04

funny sites I thought you and others might get a laugh or two out of.

[Anonymous]

Now for the Thursday edition of the Humor Thread [8D] [:o)] [:p]

Since I was kinda mean to L C the other day, this day's humor is dedicated to him. [:)]



A little of my job history [8D]



My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I
just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just
wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew
job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that
was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add
a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I
sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I
didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I
just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered
that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too
draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they
said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I
finally got a job as a historian, but there was no
future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to
quit, because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[Anonymous]

Oh, brother...

LC

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Well, Ms. Cherokee, according to Forum legend, I'm already there!

Actually, I found that joke about "Da Udder UP" refreshing (having some in-laws who lived there for a while and are just as good at poking fun at that accent).

My brother was stationed at K. I. Sawyer AFB somewhere around Marquette. He bought a little house in Ishpeming. I had the opportunity to be up there one winter. I also wrecked one of their snowmobiles. It seems they do real well on snow, but not so well on ice. [;)] Anyway I tried to go between two poles and hit a patch of ice, slide sideways and broadsided one of the poles. One of the things that I noticed was the "cold" up there didn't seem to bother me as much as the cold in Missouri and Arkansas. I believe the reason is the lack of humidity up there. It is a dry cold, which actually is easier to take. Well that is my opinion anyway.

On another trip up there, this time in warmer weather, we went to Sault Ste. Marie. Somewhere around there was a loading facility for ore. Near the loading facility was a steam engine. I don't remember if the steam engine was in Marquette or between Marquette and Sault Ste. Marie. I still remember seeing it and have always wanted to see it again and have wondered about it. Anyone know of it?

I would say something about the accents up there. But then they might say something about the accents down here. [}:)] [;)] And beside, Kathi might decide to come down here and practice some new kicks on me. [;)] I certainly wouldn't want to be the cause of her hurting her knee again, so I won't say a word about the northern accents. [:)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Limitedclear

Oh, brother...

LC

Man that L C is quick on the draw, again. [;)]

[Mookie]

Ok - my turn - I have a true story and it actually happened last nite!

I never dream of trains! But last nite was an exception. I dreamed the driver took me to a place where we were all alone on a low bluff looking down on a valley below. How romantic - but his being practical and knowing me so well, we were looking down on about 5-6 sets of tracks and on 4 of them were beautiful steam engines - one of them being the 3985 Challenger. I love the sound and whistles on steam, so it was just perfect. They were sitting still and looked to be getting ready to move. I was in pig heaven. I was going to hear the noise of a steam engine starting and the whistle - a sound that has never been duplicated!

As one of them started to move, there was this horrible sound inside the car - it sounded just like someone with a chain saw cutting down trees in the back seat. I was devastated - I wasn't going to get to hear the sounds I wanted to hear - all I could hear was that horrible, loud noise!

I opened one eye and raised up enough to realize where the chain saw sound was coming from...yep - had sawdust all over his side of the bed.

Mookie [:(]

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, Nebraska Chain Saw . . . . . . . . . . . .

[Anonymous]

And now the news . . . . .

Today in 1954, Joe DiMaggio married Marily Monroe. ( I wasn't born yet, so I didn't attend the wedding. See, I am NOT OLDER THAN DIRT.) [:D]


Now for Sports (Dedicated to the Trains.com staff)

In 1968, the Green Bay Packers won Super Bowl II beating the Oakland Raiders 33-14. (Now I DO remember that game.) [;)] Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [:p]

IN 1990, John Elway's enver Broncos won a fourth Superbowl Championship appearance beating the Clevelands Browns in the AFC Championship Game.

And in the NFC Championship game Joe Montana's 49ers beat the L A Rams 30-3.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

That is so horrible I can smell it clear over here in Newbrasskey

Was watching a Hal Roach "Our Gang" comedy last light and I remembered one of the jokes... this ones just for you Miss La Mook. [:D]

Miss Crabtree "Today I'll tell you all about my Vacation.."

Stymie "Why, did you have a Polecat ?" (skunk)

Miss Crabtree "Why no, why would I have a Polecat?"

"Well, we had a Polecat under our house, and Boy, did we Vacate!" [:0]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

That is so horrible I can smell it clear over here in Newbrasskey

Was watching a Hal Roach "Our Gang" comedy last light and I remembered one of the jokes... this ones just for you Miss La Mook. [:D]

Miss Crabtree "Today I'll tell you all about my Vacation.."

Stymie "Why, did you have a Polecat ?" (skunk)

Miss Crabtree "Why no, why would I have a Polecat?"

"Well, we had a Polecat under our house, and Boy, did we Vacate!" [:0]

one favorite when growing up - Pepe LaPew - mon cherie.....

And that triggers another question - what is the difference between a polecat and a civet cat?
Or.....what does a civet cat look like - size and color and where do they live besides China?

Ah Pepe - he could charm Mookie anytime - sweet-talkin' dog!