Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A blind man finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,  "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,  "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender  is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now  think about it seriously, Mister. Do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a  second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[zardoz]

<sup>CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE SYLVANIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

THE WIFE SAYS, "FINE, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE", SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

HE SAYS,"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.I'M GOING TO THE BAR TO WATCH THE GAME!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS. AFTER THE  GAME, HE DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
                                                                                                                                                                                                         SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"</sup>

[chad thomas]

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!  
 
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
 
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
 
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
 
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
 
1. Crying is blackmail.
 
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
 
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
 
1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
 
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.  
 
See a doctor.
 
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
 
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
 
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
 
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
 
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
 
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
 
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
 
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.Really.
 
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
 
1. You have enough clothes.
 
1. You have too many shoes.
 
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
 
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
 
 
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
 
Pass this to as many women as you can -  
 
to give them a bigger laugh

[lonewoof]

I used to have a Mastiff and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-mart and was in the check out line. The woman behind me asked if I
had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, that I was starting the Purina Diet program again,
although I probably shouldn't because the last time I had ended
up in the hospital, but I had lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive
care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I
told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to
load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry and that the nuggets are nutritionally complete, so I was
going to try it again.

I have to mention that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind
the woman.

Horrified about my hospital comment, she asked if I had been
poisoned by the nuggets.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.

 

I thought that the black guy was not going to recover !!!!!!

[tree68]

You can write your own caption....

[rvos1979]

You can write your own caption....

Redneck golf cart??

[CNW 6000]

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO: THE NEW “WHO’S ON FIRST?”

 

ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store.  Can I help you?

 COSTELLO: Thanks.  I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

 ABBOTT: Mac?

 COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

 ABBOTT: Your computer?

 COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

 ABBOTT: Mac?

 COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

 COSTELLO: Why?  Does it get stuffy?

 ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 COSTELLO: I don't know.  What do I see when I look out the windows?

 ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

 COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

 ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

 COSTELLO: No, on the computer!  I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses.  You know, run a business.  What have you got?

 ABBOTT: Office.

 COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?

 ABBOTT: I just did.

 COSTELLO: You just did what?

 ABBOTT: Recommended something.

 COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: For my office?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

 ABBOTT: Office.

 COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

 ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows!  Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.

But what program do I load?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: What word?

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

 COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

 ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

 COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer.  Let's forget about words for a minute.  What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

 ABBOTT: RealOne.

 COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon.

What I watch is none of your business.  But what do I need to watch it?

 ABBOTT: RealOne.

 COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four.  Can I watch reel four?

 ABBOTT: Of course.

 COSTELLO: Great!  With what?

 ABBOT: RealOne.

 COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.  What do I do?

 ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

 COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

 ABBOT: The blue 1.

 COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

 ABBOTT: Of course it is.  The blue 1 is RealOne.

The blue W is Word.

 COSTELLO: What word?

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

 ABBOTT: No, just one.  But it's the most popular Word in the world.

 COSTELLO: It is?

 ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.  It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

 COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

 ABBOTT: No.  RealOne has nothing to do with Word.

RealOne isn't even part of Office.

 COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.  But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on.  What do you have to help me track my money?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: That's right.  What do you have?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 ABBOTT: No, not really.  It comes bundled with your computer.

 COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

 ABBOTT: Exactly.  No extra charge.

 COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?

How much money do I get?

 ABBOTT: Just one copy.

 COSTELLO: I get a copy of money.  Isn't that illegal?

 ABBOTT: No.  We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

 COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

 ABBOTT: Why not?  They own it.

 COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it.  Do you have anything for managing your money?

 ABBOTT: Managing Your Money?  That program disappeared years ago.

 COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: You sell money?

 ABBOTT: Of course.  But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

 COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.  Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

 ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

 COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

 ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

 COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.?  What does that stand for?

 ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

 COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

 ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P.  I said M.Y.O.B.

 COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.

You know -- accounting?  You do it with money.

 ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money.  But you may need more.

 COSTELLO: More money?

 ABBOTT: More than Money.  Money can't do everything.

 COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon!  Okay, let's forget about money for the moment.  I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word?  Crash.  And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

 ABBOT: GoBack.

 COSTELLO: Okay.  I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data.  What do you recommend?

 ABBOTT: GoBack.

 COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

 ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself.

All I said was GoBack.

 COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere?  Okay, I'll go back.  What do I need to write a proposal?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

 ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

 ABBOTT: Hello?  Hello?  Customers!  Why do they always hang up on me?  Oh, well..  Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store.  Can I help you?

[CopCarSS]

You can write your own caption....

When the Rough gets a little too rough, you need the Binford 6100 AWD Golf Cart. <grunts>

[JSGreen]

Reference: Write your Own Caption.....

Fianally!  A cart for the way I golf....Ought to speed up my playing by quiet a bit.  Now, if it only had a Golf Ball Locator...

[zardoz]

Reference: Write your Own Caption.....

Fianally!  A cart for the way I golf....Ought to speed up my playing by quiet a bit.  Now, if it only had a Golf Ball Locator...

And a fully stocked fridge....

[samfp1943]

You can write your own caption....

When the Rough gets a little too rough, you need the Binford 6100 AWD Golf Cart. <grunts>

 STRANDED IRISHMAN

 

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for  more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.   He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."   And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

 

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.   He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish  Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

 

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.  He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.  "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!   Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

 

[WITH SINCERE APPOLOGIES TO CShaveRR AND TO MURPHY SIDING WHO POINTED OUT THAT I HAD FAILED TO ORIGINALLY DELIVER THE PUNCH LINE--SO HERE IT IS!]  

Thanks for pointing that out,Guys....

[CShaveRR]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

[Murphy Siding]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

     Good!  I'm not the only one who didn't get the joke.

[samfp1943]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

     Good!  I'm not the only one who didn't get the joke.

Here is another one for you!

TWO SISTERS

 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

 Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In

 order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase  a

 bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own

 stock. They only have $600 left.

 Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I

 decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she

wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a

telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram

to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to

hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it

home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,

"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send

her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want

her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul

that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read

it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull".     

[samfp1943]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

As I said earlier, you were right, and this one is for you!

Some of us will understand this immediately, yoo close to reality!

      Others of us will find understanding it in the future,

            The rest it will take too many years to appreciate it, they will have forgotten, until it becomes them:

> Subject: DO YOU HAVE AAADD
>
> I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
>
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide my car needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
> table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
> can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
> garbage first.
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
> out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one
check left.
>
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
> to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
> Aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
> counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
>
> I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
> that I've been searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
> Water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
> the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
> floor.
>
> So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up the spill.
>
> Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.
>
> At the end of the day:
> the driveway is flooded
> the car isn't washed,
> the bills aren't paid,
> there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
> there is still only one check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
> Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
> it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
>
> Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember who I have sent it to.
>
> 
 

 

[Anonymous]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
He put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even
One person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
Too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
The sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution...
They Walk Among Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
Direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
Him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
Call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting
To end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an
Earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
====================

[Anonymous]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and
your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a running lion.

What must you do to get out of this dangerous situation safely?



If you don't know, see answer below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round.

[dmoore74]

You can write your own caption....

When the Rough gets a little too rough, you need the Binford 6100 AWD Golf Cart. <grunts>

 STRANDED IRISHMAN

 

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for  more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.   He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."   And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

 

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.   He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish  Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

 

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.  He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.  "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!   Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

 

[WITH SINCERE APPOLOGIES TO CShaveRR AND TO MURPHY SIDING WHO POINTED OUT THAT I HAD FAILED TO ORIGINALLY DELIVER THE PUNCH LINE--SO HERE IT IS!]  

Thanks for pointing that out,Guys....

Guess this proves that history does repeat itself.  I posted this story in March 2005 with the punchline included.  Takes a while to review all the archives for previously told stories.

[samfp1943]

It is a funny story, both then and now[ even when I messed up the punch line] It would be wonderful to be able to surf through all 356 pages, with a dial up connection, it would be faster for me to copy them down using a stone hammer and chisel on a granit block!

At any rate here is a nother one for the "More Truth than Poetry Department."  Some readers will remember these items and some younger onees will think it is a joke-NOT!

Comments  made in the year 1955:
 

 

"I'll  tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to  be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

 

 

"Have  you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before  $2000 will only buy a used one."

 

 

"If  cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a  pack  is ridiculous."

 

 

"Did  you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to   mail a letter?"

 

 

"If  they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire  outside  help at the store."

 

 

"When I  first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29  cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."  

 

 

"Kids  today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible  to  stay groomed. Next  thing you know, boys will be wearing  their hair as long as the girls."

 

 

"I'm  afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let   Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it  seems  every new  movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.  

 

 

"I read  the other day where some scientist thinks  it's possible to put  a  man on the moon by the end of the century   They even  have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in  Texas  ."

 

 

"Did  you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for  $75,000  a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if  someday they'll be  making more than the president."  

 

 

"I  never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be  electric. They are even making electric typewriters  now."  

 

 

"It's  too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married  women  are having to work to make ends meet." .

 

 

"It  won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire  someone  to watch their kids so they can both work."  

 

 

"Marriage  doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be  getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

 

 

"I'm  just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot  of foreign business."

 

 

"Thank  goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our  income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people  to congress."

 

 

"The  drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously   doubt they will ever catch on."

 

 

"There  is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha  anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."  

 

 

"No one  can afford to be sick any more; $35 a  day in the hospital is too  rich for my blood."

 

 

"If  they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut,  forget it."  

 

 

[samfp1943]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[zardoz]

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep $hit."

[zardoz]

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

[zardoz]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[CShaveRR]

True story:

My grandmother told me about politics.

The word comes from a combination of "Poly", a Greek prefix for "Many".

And "Tics"--little blood-sucking creatures.

[CrazyDelmar]

On box of Swanson Frozen Dinners:   Serving Sugestion: Defrost before consumed

Pacakaging for Rowenta Iron: Do not Iron clothes on body

And finally:

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not stop chain with hands or genitals

 

All these are REAL labels!

[zardoz]

The all-new "You know you're a Redneck when:

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your uncle made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

[zardoz]

She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she  wrore "Libra".
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate.
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

[trainfan1221]

One of my favorites, on a lawnmower;  Caution! Blade moves when engine is running.  NO kidding.

[samfp1943]

The minister is not identified.  Was it any of you??

 

 

Graveside Service
==============

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
graveside service in a new cemetery for a derelict man (with no
family or friends) who had died while traveling through the
area.

The cemetery was way back in the country. This man would be the
first to be laid to rest at this new cemetery.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost.

Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. And when I
finally arrived an hour late, I saw a crew and a backhoe, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized for my tardiness,
but the workers just looked puzzled. I stepped to the side of
the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was
the proper thing to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I
poured out my heart and soul.

As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the
Lord" and "Glory," (they must have all been Baptist).

I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I
began from Genesis and worked all t he way through to Revelation.
I preached for 45 minutes.

It was a long service. Finally, I closed in prayer and it was
finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and I
would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in
spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another...

"Ya know, I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, but I
ain't never seen anything like that before."

[samfp1943]

A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole Installers. The boss had to choose between a local team of two-rednecks....and a team of two Norwegian guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said:  "For just one day, each team will install poles out on the new road.  The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.  At end of the  shift, Ole and Sven, the Norse guys, came back and the Boss asked them how many they had installed.  They said that it was tough going, but they put in twelve.

Forty-five  minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the local redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted.  The boss  asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?

Bubba, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Duke and me... we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three?  Those two Norwegian guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!"