Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cherokee woman]

And we're complaining about today's prices!!

Comments Made In The Year 1957
==============================

I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since
they let Clark Gable get by with saying, "***" in "Gone With The
Wind," it seems every new movie has either hell or *** in it.

I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to
put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have
some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me
if someday they'll be making more than the president.

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars
seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.

I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to
a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Parliament.

The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital
is too rich for my blood.

If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.

Know friends who would get a kick out of these? Pass it on!

[mloik]

Now that the Stanley Cup Playoffs are about to start, here's a timely joke. (Note: if you're not a hockey fan suffice to say that Toronto and Montreal are arch-enemies in the sport.) In any case, you can pretty much insert any sports rivalry you like to customize this one to your liking...

A Toronto Maple Leaf fan, a Montreal Canadiens fan and a Ottawa Senator fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Ottawa Senator fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Ottawa fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Montreal fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Hab fan crying.

The Toronto Maple Leafs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most Royal highness", the Toronto fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Tie the Montreal fan to my back."

[Anonymous]

Striped shirts....(pg-13)

http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=239&SectionID=11

[dmoore74]

The Pet Shop


Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head
to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay
for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up
and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors.
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out
of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the
cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom,
killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his
head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is
too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives
at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying
another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute
says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over
the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots
the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he
hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes
his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends
when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is
carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps
the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and
hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with
his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting.,.and now Lars
hengliding....."

[miniwyo]

LOL! Im only 20 and I only missed #6 & #13.

[zardoz]

Sarcastic Philosophies

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[espeefoamer]

Corrolary(sp?) to #13. Some days you step in it,some days it lands on you.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

This may say for the Seniors,but lets see how some of our
younger members do on this one.[:D]


Subject: Fwd: Senior Citizens Quiz



Do You Know The Answers??
Only a few Senior Citizens can make a perfect score on this one!
Youngsters
can try their luck. The answers are below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,
the
grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably,
someone
would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he
leave
behind?_______________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S.in early 1964, we all
watched
them on the, _______________ show.

03. Get your kicks, _______________.

04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed
____________________.

05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________.

06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced"
under
a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called
the_________________________.

07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________.

08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents
shared
this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was,
____________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________________.

10. Red Skeltons hobo character was ______________________, and he
always
ended his television show by saying,"Good night, and
_____________________________."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning
their_________________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the
front, was called the VW. What other names did it go
by?_____________________&_________________

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died."
This was a tribute to__________________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit The Russians
did
it; it was called ____________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic
ring
that we twirled around our waist; it was called the __________
___________.

Answers Below




13 of 15. [B)]

I missed Buddy and Louie [^]










Answers:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan show.
03. Route 66
04. to protect the innocent.
05. The Lion sleeps tonight.
06. The limbo
07. chocolate.
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch.
10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop

[narig01]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

This may say for the Seniors,but lets see how some of our
younger members do on this one.[:D]


Subject: Fwd: Senior Citizens Quiz



Do You Know The Answers??
Only a few Senior Citizens can make a perfect score on this one!
Youngsters
can try their luck. The answers are below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,
the
grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably,
someone
would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he
leave
behind?_______________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S.in early 1964, we all
watched
them on the, _______________ show.

03. Get your kicks, _______________.

04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed
____________________.

05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________.

06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced"
under
a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called
the_________________________.

07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________.

08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents
shared
this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was,
____________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________________.

10. Red Skeltons hobo character was ______________________, and he
always
ended his television show by saying,"Good night, and
_____________________________."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning
their_________________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the
front, was called the VW. What other names did it go
by?_____________________&_________________

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died."
This was a tribute to__________________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit The Russians
did
it; it was called ____________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic
ring
that we twirled around our waist; it was called the __________
___________.

Answers Below













Answers:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan show.
03. Route 66
04. to protect the innocent.
05. The Lion sleeps tonight.
06. The limbo
07. chocolate.
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch.
10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop

1.Silver Bullet
2.Ed Sullivan Show
3.On Route 66
4.To Protect The Innocent
5.George George George of the Jungle XX
6.Limbo
7.Chocolate
8.Louis Armstrong
9.Timex
10.?Good Luck XX
11.Draft Cards
12.Beetle,Bug
13.Elvis? Buddy Holly
14.Sputnik
15 Hula Hoop

13 of 15
(born in 1959)[:)][:)]

Rgds IGN

[narig01]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Announcing the first successfull testrun of a new hybrid motorcycle. Heres a link to the story...
http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm

Please let people know not to play this in a restaurant
Rgds IGN

[zardoz]

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test.

The examiner shows him a card with the following letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I drink beer with him."

[zardoz]

REDNECK MAMA

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children ru***o find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leigh-Roy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names"

[zardoz]

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull Some have weird names , and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

" A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[zardoz]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Newfoundland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Newfoundland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Newfoundland Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Newfoundland Three Kick Rule!!!"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.

[zardoz]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do it's own entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style"..........

The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:
Bret Favre is gay.
I'm a vegetarian. Bratwurst clogs your arteries.
The Green Bay Packers suck.... Go Bears....
Cheese is high in cholesterol. Hillary in 2008.
Deer hunting is murder and I'm here to confiscate your guns.

The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive - Wins....
Good luck to all contestants.

[zardoz]

Not really funny as such.....


Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.


I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

[zardoz]

In honor of the upcoming Father's Day, here is a short take on Fathers, then & now.


In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools, and if he spanks his kid, he goes to jail.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

Today, fathers are never truly appreciated,

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Not really funny as such.....


Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.


I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

I can see the humor in it. But never have some truer words been said...

[zardoz]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[zardoz]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wi***o be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, I want to be Sara Pipalini.

St. Peter looks perplexed; "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and smiles. He hands it back to her and says:

"No, sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[zardoz]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible,
doctor!".

"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants
a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".

[Anonymous]

<>A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the millions, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.

<>The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have comeback for the story?"

<>"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Mexican or a bronze politician."

<>A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the millions, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned.

<>The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have comeback for the story?"

<>"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Mexican or a bronze politician."

[Anonymous]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face
up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So... do you think we should . well . you know ... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.

[Anonymous]

Be sure to notice the company from where the quote originated...!


A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:


"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA)


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)



"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)



"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)



"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)



My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.

When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)



"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

[Anonymous]

Sorry if this is a re-peat, I didn't read all the pages...
Why do the Scottish wear kilts?


Because sheep can hear zippers!

[zardoz]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?

Yes, Father it is.

And who was the woman you were with?

I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.

Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

I cannot say.

Was it Teresa Volpe?

I'll never tell.*

Was it Nina Capeli?

I'm sorry but I cannot name her.

Was it Cathy Piriano?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

Four months vacation and five good leads...

[zardoz]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

[zardoz]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

[zardoz]

I've been making a lot of Freudian slips lately," a man says casually to his friend.

"Like what?" asks his buddy.

"Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh."

[zardoz]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."