Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A salesman rang the bell at a home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.

Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked,

"What do you think?"
=============================================================
An elderly couple were attending church, when about halfway through the service she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"

Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
==============================================================
Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! This here is Joe Bob, Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"
============================================================
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man.

"This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.

This IS Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fricking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[zardoz]

Can anyone help with this software problem my friend is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Tough one? Any suggestions???

[zardoz]

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

====================================================================
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[coborn35]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in
front
of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all
the
way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then
chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and
buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe
the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with
Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER????

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their
mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on
"Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

~~~~

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and
that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late,
huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or
operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...
I'm
taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use
only." (as opposed to...what?)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about
a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe,
uh...fly Delta?)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[zardoz]

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

[zardoz]

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

* He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

* He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

[zardoz]

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear On An Airplane P.A. System

1. Mid-way across the Ocean: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

3. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail! Eject! Eject!

4. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

5. This is your Captain speaking....these new planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......

6. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.

7. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

8. Hey capt'n, take another hit man...

9. Get the parachutes ready...

10. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now

[zardoz]

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must poli***he Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[zardoz]

12 Signs You're A Grown-up


1. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

2. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

3. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

4. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

5. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

6. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

7. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

8. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

10. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

11. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

12. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

[zardoz]

Top Ten Real Excerpts From Performance Evaluations

10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

[zardoz]

Work Speak

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, ***s over everything and then leaves

Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

[zardoz]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp...yada yada yada!

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! Do you know how many engineers I would have to hire to figure how to do it? No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wi***hat I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a few minutes and then said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

[zardoz]

Men vs. Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

[zardoz]

Diet Rules

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

[germanium]

Zardoz - I don't know where you get all this humour from, but it's brought many a smile to my face (and I suspect many others). Keep up the good work !!!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by germanium

Zardoz - I don't know where you get all this humour from, but it's brought many a smile to my face (and I suspect many others). Keep up the good work !!!

Thanks. I appreciate the appreciation.

[zardoz]

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hunting, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"

[miniwyo]

I don't know if this has been posted before, but I just got it so I figured I would post it again!




A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
expense...

Deputy says "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign. "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me
the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my
license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let
me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Now then, sir, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[dmoore74]

23rd Qualm
The 23rd Qualm (Written by a retired Methodist minister. )

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of
thy term, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

[dmoore74]

Texas Humor

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from
University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything but my earrings."

(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)

========================================================

A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired
off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters
returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one
is going to steal Henry!"

========================================================

A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over
heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be
back in Oklahoma."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there
20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

========================================================

The young Texan came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from
the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."

========================================================

NEWS FLASH! -

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into
a College Station cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so
far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.

========================================================

A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on
I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

========================================================

A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow
what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did
understand it either.

=======================================================

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but
dust "

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change)
leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)

[eastside]

What might have happened if Germans had bought out P&O instead of the UAE?
German Coast Guard

(You may have to use Internet Explorer because the page uses the Windows Media Player.)

[zardoz]

King Arthur is going off to war and wants to ensure that his wife Gwenevere is faithful, so he locks her in a chastity belt.

He then goes to Lancelot and tells him to stay and protect the castle and gives him the key to the chastity belt. Arthur asks Lancelot to guard the key, but if Arthur should die in battle, Lancelot is to give it to Gwenevere so that she may wed again.

Arthur says his goodbyes and goes riding off to battle, but only gets about 2 miles before Lancelot comes riding up shouting, "Sire! Sire! It's the wrong key!"

[zardoz]

A young man left his job at the golf driving range late one day. His job was to retrieve the gold balls that were hit way off course, but by the time he retrieved them, the shop had already closed for the night. He dicided to take them home, and bring them back the next day. Luckily there was a late bus for him to catch.

He entered the bus with both front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful woman, (you guessed it,) Blonde. The puzzled woman kept looking at him and the bulging pockets. Finally, after quite a few glances from her, he said, "It' s golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[zardoz]

STUPID LOCAL LAWS

In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal, I repeat, illegal, to paint polka dots on the American flag.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.

To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville , NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.

Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.

Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!

In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.

And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!

It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines, and two people cannot kiss in front of a church. All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
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Pennsylvania:
In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:

1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."

2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery."

3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."

Utah:

It is against the law to fish from horseback.

Ohio:

In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Indiana:

Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.

Kansas:

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

California:
In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

Oklahoma:

Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."


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In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.

In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn.

A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays.

Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays.

Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virgina - provided that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground.

You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.

Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building.

Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.

Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

[zardoz]

Here is a math trick that it will stump you.

Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT YOUR AREA CODE)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2.

Do you recognize the answer?

[samfp1943]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by germanium

Zardoz - I don't know where you get all this humour from, but it's brought many a smile to my face (and I suspect many others). Keep up the good work !!!

Thanks. I appreciate the appreciation.

More man/woman OR Husband vs.Wife Humor
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a totally booked transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.


At around 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am. I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."


"I have a better idea", she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.


"Wow, that's a great idea!", he exclaimed.


"Good", she replied. "Get your own ***ed blanket!"


After a moment of silence, he farted.
[:D]

[Anonymous]

*Think before you speak...*
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



*FIRST TESTIMONY:*

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.



*SECOND TESTIMONY:*

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen ho works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."



*THIRD TESTIMONY:*

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



*FOURTH TESTIMONY**:*

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I

saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



*FIFTH TESTIMONY:*

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



*LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:*

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think

before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!



Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

and remember we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak

[samfp1943]

A little Duck HUnter Humor[:D]

Hillbilly Willie went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged 3 ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license. The hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt and said "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck! You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck.

He sniffed it and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck! This here duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi huntin' license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

Then the warden reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed it's butt and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license.?"

Once again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out the appropriate hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point and started yelling at the hillbilly. "Boy, just where are you from ?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!!"


| |
Sam

[samfp1943]

For those OXYMORONS:[8D][8D][:o)]
.Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2.Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3.If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5.Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6.Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7.Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8.Why do "tug" boats pu***heir barges?

9.Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?

10.Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11.Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.Why are a "wise man" and a wise guy opposite?

14.Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15.Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16.If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19.If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20.Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22.Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23.How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front
of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

Sam

[Anonymous]

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have

an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You

don't?" I replied. "We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So

I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.



TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady

behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of

those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between

our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of

my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code

so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you

know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't

think I'll buy that
today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things

and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and

pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she

said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit

card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."



FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need

some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery

to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you

think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a attery

to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No,

just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you

drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."



FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was

typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.

What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it

on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor
home was towed

into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and

the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the

manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise

control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.



SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a

large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with

their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch

banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my

terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander

on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The

message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy

button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take

her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher

tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother

says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!



Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."