Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

This one is even relevant, in that part of it takes place on a train.......
http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv

[CShaveRR]

Wish I knew Japanese--but the laughter's universal!

[dmoore74]

WeeWeeChu



One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!





Get your mind out of the gutter...............it's Christmas for goodness sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Murphy Siding]

QUOTE: Originally posted by rrandb

This is supposidly a true story. Winston Churchill was seated next to a woman at a dinner party who found him so abrasive she told him " Sir if you were my husband I would poisen your drink!" He replied " Madam if you were my wife I would gladly drink it !!!"

He is also credited with the following story: At a dinner party, a woman told him he was drunk. He replied "I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tommorrow I'll be sober".

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than a sack of rocks. It tells me that someone stole our tent."

[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[Anonymous]

The email that contained the following link stated that the Air Force uses this game in training for fighter pilots. They are to go at least 2 minutes in this game.


http://tinyurl.com/56t9u


Enjoy.

[CShaveRR]

I spent two minutes on it, and "survived" about fifty times!

[Anonymous]

Well, as it's Christmas and everybody seems to be way off the subject ( Trains, remember?) I'm going to go one better and repeat an extract from a book dated 1730 that I found on a shelf when visiting my mother yesterday. The book is entitled '"A collection of precedents relating to the office of a Justice of Peace". To the constables of the parish of Sandy in the said County of Bedford. Whereas information hath this day been made on Oath before me, one of his Majesty's Justices of the peace for this county, by Charles Dawson of Biggleswade in the said County of Bedford, that Edward Fisher of your said Parish of Sandy, Gentlemen, hath lately worn and continues to wear one Cloth Suit of Clothes, with Buttons made of Cloth, contrary to a statute in that case made : These are therefore, in his Majesty's Name to require and authorise you to levy by Distress and Sale of the Goods of the said Edward Fisher, the Sum of eight Pounds ( about $15,000 in today's money), the Penalty he hath forfeited for the said offence, pursuant to the said Statute, being after the Rate of forty Shillings per Dozen for the Buttons of the Clothes so worn; one moiety whereof you are to pay to the said Carles Dawson the Informer, on whose Oath the said Edward Fisher was convicted of the said Offence; and the other moiety apply to the use of the poor of the said Parish of Sandy aforesaid. Given under my Hand and Seal, &c. What I want to know is - why was it a crime to wear cloth buttons, and why the hell was he wearing four dozen of them ?

[Sterling1]

I don't see the trains anywhere ...

Too many men and too few women ... that's my college for ya ...

Easy for me to say ...

[Sterling1]

Since when did it become so dirty to joke, eh?

Plus some people are working regardless of the "holiday"

[zardoz]

"Dearly Beloved" by Bob Eley

We are gathered here today in accordance with the FRA, AAR, TC and other regulatory bodies to unite these two units in M.U. service. If anyone takes exception, file your grievance or get in the clear.
(Insert groom's name here) Do you take this woman to be your trailing unit, tying down your pin lifter forever, and permanently restricting yourself from interchange service, even with newer, freshly painted units, remaining coupled despite flat wheels, sticking brakes, even unto bad orders and major derailments, until you are both rendered unto scrap? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
And, (groom's first name), do you promise to pull this unit up ruling grade, using throttle and brake wisely to prevent rough train handling, broken knuckles, and pulled drawbars, applying sand as necessary to prevent wheel slip, so that you both crest the hill together, regardless of the trailing tonnage? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b). And do you also promise not to cut away from your trailing unit, even when her side sheets have rusted through, and her paint job has faded? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
Now, (insert bride's name here), do you take this man to be your lead unit, tying down your pin-lifter forever, and permanently removing yourself from interchange service, even with newer series, high adhesion, high horsepower units, remaining coupled despite flat wheels, sticking brakes, even unto bad orders and major derailments, until you are both rendered unto scrap?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b). And do you promise to respond promptly to throttle and brake commands from your lead unit, handling your share of the tonnage, and helping your lead unit up ruling grade when necessary, being ever cautious to avoid unnecessary drawbar buffer forces? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
Do you also promise to remain coupled to your lead unit, even when he has traction motors cut out, and can no longer develop full horse- power? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
Now, (insert bride and groom's name), as a token of your intent to M.U., make the joint and stretch the slack. By the power invested in me by the General Manager, Superintendent of Operations, and the Road Foreman of Engines, I now pronounce you permanently coupled. You may cut in the air.

[zardoz]

Top Ten Reasons You Know You Just Bid In The Wrong Yard Job

10. The Yardmaster radios your Foreman telling him to be sure and pull the Rips, the Foreman replies: "Only if you come down here and pull my finger first!”

9. The Foreman and the Engineer are both from Alabama, after work they invite you to come on up for a little “Snipe Hunting."

8. Your helper shows up for work with an umbrella instead of a rain suit.

7. You beg the Yardmaster to let you spot the Slaughter House, because the smell on the pit helps masks your Foreman's cologne.

6. The Yardmaster on duty used to be a clerk.

5. The Foreman on the job is actually a 'Planner' that just got bumped.

4. You just learned that the Foreman and Engineer have loaded up with over $5,000 worth of job insurance and they announce: "It's time for some Kamikaze Switching!"

3. The Engineer is wearing a "Talledega 500" T-shirt and muttering to himself, "No brake, only RUN 8."

2. Your Engineer insists on loosening his suspenders, taking off his shoes, and eating a whole fried chicken before moving the locomotive.

1. Your boots have been on the railroad longer than the new Trainmaster that 'supervises" the job.

[miniwyo]

Try this one

How do you get 4 old ladies to say the eff word?














Have a 5th one yell BINGO!

[miniwyo]

and some Photo fun.





Not mine BTW.

[Anonymous]

I received the following funnies in an email this morning. Enjoy [:o)]

School Project

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a
baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project."
I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later, I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created. .......The title was "The Oldest Thing in my House." [}:)] [B)] [8]



I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her
seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.

She asked me, "Single click or double click?" [8D]



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp. [:0]



In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.
[^]

[vsmith]

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly through the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer:

Snappy Answer #5

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles empathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand. "

[Anonymous]

A few to get you going today.


Did you hear the one about the guy who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten did. [:0] [B)] [}:)]


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him .....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


I would give credit to the person who emailed me these, but I think if I did my life would be in serious trouble. [}:)] [;)] [:D]

[Tharmeni]

The old retired railroader was watching TV when his wife, obviously bored, said "Honey, let's go upstairs and make love!"

He looked at her and said "Well, pick one. At my age, I can't do both."

[espeefoamer]

Amtrak's California Zephyr was running through the Rockies with only two units.One broke down leaving the train to struggle on with only one engine.Eventually,that unit ,too,quit running.The engineer got on the PA system and made the following announcemant. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news.The bad news is both engines have broken down,and we can't move until they send some engines up from Denver.The good news is,you're not on a plane"!

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

In the year 1905 there was a revolution of sorts taking place down in Mexico. And the leader of this so-called revolution was a fierce Mexican hombre who's name was Fransisco "Pancho" Villa. Pancho was wanted by both the U.S. government and the Mexican authorities.

One day the "Federalies" were out searching for Pancho Villa and they ran into a Mexican peasant farmer who was riding his donkey to the markets in Mexico City. They stopped him and they asked him if he had seen Pancho Villa. He responded to them by saying, "Si. Yesterday I was riding my donkey to the markets in Mexico City when I was stopped by a fierce looking hombre on a white stallion. He pulled out his pistol, pointed it at me and ordered me to get off my donkey." "What could I do, senores, he had a gun on me. So I got off my donkey. He then ordered me to get down and eat donkey sh**! What could I do, senores, he had a gun on me. So I got down and ate it. By this time he was laughing so hard that he dropped his gun, I grabbed it and I ordered him to get off his horse. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got down off his horse. I then ordered him to get down and eat horse sh**! What could he do, Senores?, I had his gun on him. So he got down and ate it!"

"And you are asking me if I had seen Pancho Villa? Well Hell, yesterday we had lunch together!!!"

I once told this story to an uncle of mine who lives in Estes Park, Colorado. He and I had gone for a walk down a gravel road in his neighborhood and I saw some horse droppings and it reminded me of this story, so I told it to my uncle. And to this day, he insists that it was I who had lunch with that infamous Mexican bandit, Pancho Villa!!

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Where I live, we have a lot of people who are of Scandinavian descent. And I am of Norwegian descent, so naturally I like to tell stories about Norwegians.

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went moose hunting up in Northern Canada. And between the two of them they bagged six head of moose. They had contracted with a private pilot to fly them and their six head of moose back to Minnesota and they got into an argument when the pilot told them that he could only place two of the moose carcasses on the plane, and any more than that the plane would be seriously overloaded. Ole got mad and told the pilot that, "Ve vent moose hunting up here last year and we got six moose and our pilot agreed to take all six moose on board his plane and fly us back to Minnesota..........and his air plane was da exact make and model dat you have!" Ole finally convinced the pilot to fly them out with all six moose on board his plane. Shortly after take-off, the plane crashed and the pilot was killed outright. Ole and his buddy Lars crawled out of the wreckage and they both looked around. And Lars says to Ole, "Ole, do you know vhere ve are??" Ole's response was,
"Yah, I tink ve are not far from vhere ve crashed last year!"

Ole and Lena wanted to get married, and wanting to be sure that he was in good health before she married him, Lena sends Ole to her doctor for a physical exam. The doctor is poking and prodding with Ole and checking everything out, when he says to him, "Say Ole, there is something about Lena that you really should know before you marry her." Ole says, "What's dat, doc?" The doctor tells Ole, "Lena has acute angina."(angina is a medical term for chronic chest pain) Ole responds by saying, "Dat's nothing, doc. You should see what her boobs look like!!"

A Norwegian farmer, Ole and his son Lars were digging a large hole in the ground to bury a dead animal in and because it was so badly decomposed, they were arguing among themselves as to whether it was a horse or a cow. The local pastor comes walking down the road with his Bible in hand and they decided to ask the pastor for his opinion of the situation. The pastor closes his eyes and he thumbs his way through the good book and opens it to a specific passage. "According to what the good book says, it's an ***." Ole and Lars thank the reverend for rendering his opinion and the reverend continues on his walk down the road. Pretty soon Sven from a neighboring farm shows up and he say's to them, "Vhat are you guys doing? Are you digging a fox hole?" Ole looks at Sven and says, "Not according to vhat da good book says!!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[Mikeygaw]

http://kittenwar.com/
Kitten wars! May the cutest kitten win.

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

The cartoons which appeared in Model Railroader during the 70's were some of the best I had ever seen.

In one such cartoon, this guy has tied up and gagged the cat and he is sealing it up in a hole in the wall with brick and mortar. His layout behind him is in shambles, and his wife is at the top of the stairs........."Honey, have you seen the cat anywhere? I can't find him!" And as you might well guess, I detest cats.

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[Anonymous]

Got one
A man called Amtrak to talk with an agent. "What time will train 22 be getting into Chicago?" he asks. "Should be in before 22:00, its very late today," the agent replied. "Thank god, things will work out then," the man replied. "I take it you're family?" the agent questions. "No, actually, I'm a passenger on train 22...You see, nobody around here tells us anything!" Note I did hear this on the payphone recently...

[Anonymous]

Ole and Lena joke..................
Ole is on his deathbed, asking "Lena, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, Ole, I'm here."
"Is my son, Sven here? And my daughter, Inga?"
"Yes, Ole. They're here."
"Are my brothers and sisters here?"
"Yes, Ole, they're all here with you."

"If you're all here, why is the kitchen light still on?"

[zardoz]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[zardoz]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

DUMB BLONDE JOKE

This blonde headed gal walks into her doctor's office, complaining that no matter where she touches herself, it hurts. The doctor says, "That's impossible! Show me!"
So she touches her left arm and she screams in agony. She then touches her right knee and screams in agony. She then touches her forehead and once more she screams in agony. The doctor is watching all this, slowly shaking his head. "I think I've got it figured out." The dumb blonde asks him what his diagnosis is and he says to her, "Your finger is broken."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[zardoz]

It's all in how you "spin" it:

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Now you know how political speeches are created.

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

And as Paul Harvey would say,

"And now you know the REST of the story."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816