Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[morseman]

what is a cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you
3) They're totally unpredicatable
4) They whine when they are not happy
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play
7) They want you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody
9) They leave hair everywhere
10) They drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

[dmoore74]

Subject: Science in Action!


An Iowa farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed
by pissing and moaning.

[miniwyo]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

You're from Rural Canada if.....

That also applies to almost anywhere in Wyoming.

[Anonymous]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[zardoz]

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.

"What are you selling?" I asked.

"Geometrical algebra drugs."

"Huh!?"

"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."

"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."

"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."

"Go on..."

"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.

"What are those, then?" I asked.

"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed."

"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?"

"There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity."

[zardoz]

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[DaveBr]

I think I posted this a year ago somewhere...
There was this old prospector who went into town every month for his
supplies.So it was another hot summer month and he had to go into town
again.He gets into town and over at the General store early in the morning
and loads up his Donkey and sees that he still has time for a couple of
drinks across the way at the saloon.After a while or so called couple of drinks
he goes out starts pulling his donkey full of supplies out of town.Pretty soon he comes to a little hill and his donkey stops.He gets in front and pulls then in back and pulls ,still the donkey wont move.Pretty soon a man in a T bird
drives up and ask the prospector if he could help.The prospector looks at the
t bird and thinks the man is joking,so he said ok.Heask the prospector what
the trouble was,and the prospector explained.the man asked the prospector
for his big frying pan and after he got the big frying pan he stepped in the
back of the donkey and lets a big swing with the pan..The donkey lets a fart
and runs up the hill.Just as I thought said the man..VAPOR LOCKED.

[ironhorseman]

“I was hanging around a switchyard minding my own business and a man with a gun and a badge came up and said “what are you hanging around for?” and I said “for whatever’s going around I’ll have some.” [:D]
… …
“He didn’t think that was too funny either. Well I said “I’m just looking for my baby,” and he said “a bad place to look for your baby,” and I said “I got a bad baby!”” [}:)]

-Johnny Cash

I heard that off a music video. I saw this DVD at Walton’s Market called Johnny Cash: Live At Montreux 1994. It pretty much sat there all summer and I wasn’t sure I wanted it or should be spending my hard(ly) earned and overtaxed dollar and cents on another DVD. Well, I finally bought it last week and I’m glad I did, it was the last one in stock.

[tup] 19 songs in a 65min concert with 3 train songs: Folsom Prison Blues, Let The Train Whistle Blow, and Orange Blossom Special (where he tells that joke above).

For those interested:
http://www.eaglerockent.com/eaglerockUSA/media_detail.php?media_id=547
http://www.montreuxjazz.com/index_en.aspx


“Well, I don’t care if I do-di-do-di-do-di-do-di-do”

[zardoz]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Z and V for getting us back on track. [8D]

If you have some (or a lot) of free time on your hands go here:

http://blueballfixed.ytmnd.com/

I think this guy must have gotten some of the inner-outters, upper-downers, lefter-righter, up-under, in-out drugs from the post memtioned above. [:I] [;)] [:o)]

BYW, this thing might take a few minutes to download, lots going on there.

[edbenton]

Why is that a baby that weighs 7 lbs can fill a diaper with around4 lbs of soilds at one time[?][%-)] does that not defy a law a physics

[vsmith]

Let see. Might have already done a few of these, back around page 23 or so....[:D]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers,

"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[vsmith]

Subject: Forrest Gump is one of my favorite movie characters !

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance
examination for everyone.
The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any
entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
Here it goes:

1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves
him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with
the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking,
but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."

How about the next one?" asks St, Peter. How many seconds in a year?"

Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and guess
the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with
twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . . "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see what you had in mind,
but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

ANDY?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with
your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy
as the first name of God?"

Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song. . . .

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest... run."

[vsmith]

-From the mouth of our Fearless Leader . . .

____________________________________________________________________________________________
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
one word is 'to be prepared'."
- Governor George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future."
- Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Governor George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- Governor George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
- Governor George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Governor George W. Bush

[vsmith]

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith


-From the mouth of our Fearless Leader . . .

Those were great! [(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]


jhhtrainsplanes: that Blue Ball Machine is very cool; how did you possible find something like that?!

[zardoz]

THE CORRECT WAY TO COME HOME DRUNK!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her o! n the butt and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!

[zardoz]

A woman went to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs .. a green spot on the inside of each. They wouldn't wash off, they wouldn't scrape off and they seemed to be getting worse.

The doctor assured her that he'd get to the bottom of the problem, and told her not to worry until the tests came back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rang. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begged to know what was causing the spots?

The doctor said "You're perfectly healthy there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammered, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[zardoz]

THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box
under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

[zardoz]

One morning *** Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a DC restaurant. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.

He replies, "How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude. You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton!" The waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced "quiche.'"

[Anonymous]

Z [:)]

The blue ball machine was sent to me in an email. I don't do drugs (other than RXs) and could never have come up with that without being on drugs. Who ever did it must have lots of time to just sit and play.

[Anonymous]

These are pretty good. [:D] I received them in an email and thought I would share them. [;)]

Words with two Meanings [:o)] [:I] [8)] [^] [B)]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing >to
put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[zardoz]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

[zardoz]

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have: Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95, Volleyball Barbie: $19.95, Shopping Barbie $19.95, Surfer Barbie: $19.95, Disco Barbie: $19.95 and Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's jewelry, Ken's money, Ken's computer, and Ken's best friend...

[zardoz]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything ... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a wo! rd, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for a few days, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[zardoz]

New words (or old words with new definitions)

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: When everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.

19. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

20. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

21. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

22. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

23. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

24. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

25. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

26. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

27. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

28. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

29. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

30. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

31. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

32. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

33. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

34. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[dmoore74]

> Living Will
>
> A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to
> her:
>
> "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
> dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
> happens, just pull the plug."
>
> His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
>
>

[zardoz]

Bubba and JimBob


One day, JimBob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, JimBob, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[zardoz]

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And if you are anywhere near as stubborn as I am, you will keep trying at least a few more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so. And, there's nothing you can do about it!

Go ahead KEEP TRYING ALL YOU WANT!

Have a great day!

[coborn35]

WOW! That super cool! This a funny redone line from the song Milkshake: My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard and they're like wanna trade cards? *** right i wanna trade cards i'll trade you but not my charzard