Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play, or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said .. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Anonymous]

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

[Anonymous]

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

[Anonymous]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[Anonymous]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D] Also applies to Nevada and parts of northern California [(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[vsmith]

This is a long one, but worth it...

Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.


A man answered, saying "Hello."


I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"


Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.


I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to
call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.


I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"


It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar
with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.


Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.


The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I
wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first *** (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.


I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"


"Yes, It is."


"Can you tell me where I can see it?"


"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."


"What's your name?" I asked.


"My name is Don Hansen," he said.


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home every evening after five."


"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Yes?"


"Don, you're an a$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$hole's to call.


Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1. "Hello."


"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.


"Yeah," I said.


"Stop calling me," he screamed.


"Make me," I said.


"Who are you?" he asked.


"My name is Don Hansen."


"Yeah? Where do you live?"


"a$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."


He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."


I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole." Then I called a$$hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.


"Hello, a$$hole," I said.


He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" I said.


"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.


I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.


Then I called Channel 13 News about a gang war going down on West 34th
Street.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.


There I saw two a$$hole's beating the crap out of each other in front of
six
squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really
works.


Smile and have a happy day!

[morseman]

coming back from Philadelphia to Ontario the other day
entering the toll booth just before the Canadian border at
Fort Erie A large truck came barreling toward to booth
The two attendants jumped out of the booth just as
the truck hit it & smashed it to smithereens. Three
fellows from the Canadian Immigration, wearing white suits
with Canadian flags on the back, carrying pails of whits stuff
ran over. They pl;astered the shattered booth with their
guck and reassembled it in about fifteen minutes.

All the bystanders were amazed & asked how they could
reassemble the booth so fast

Well, it's quite easy when you use TOLLGATE BOOTH PASTE
they replied.

[miniwyo]

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Apparently you have never been to Southwest Wyoming!!





vsmith - That is a great one!!

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by miniwyo

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Apparently you have never been to Southwest Wyoming!!

Why is it different out there . . . I know some place where the jokes are pretty nasty if one is a [soapbox][censored] N---

...

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

This is a long one, but worth it...

Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.


A man answered, saying "Hello."


I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"


Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.


I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to
call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.


I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"


It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar
with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.


Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.


The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I
wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first *** (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.


I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"


"Yes, It is."


"Can you tell me where I can see it?"


"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."


"What's your name?" I asked.


"My name is Don Hansen," he said.


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home every evening after five."


"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Yes?"


"Don, you're an a$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$hole's to call.


Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1. "Hello."


"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.


"Yeah," I said.


"Stop calling me," he screamed.


"Make me," I said.


"Who are you?" he asked.


"My name is Don Hansen."


"Yeah? Where do you live?"


"a$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."


He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."


I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole." Then I called a$$hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.


"Hello, a$$hole," I said.


He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" I said.


"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.


I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.


Then I called Channel 13 News about a gang war going down on West 34th
Street.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.


There I saw two a$$hole's beating the crap out of each other in front of
six
squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really
works.


Smile and have a happy day!

You do not know exactly how wide I cracked open my throttle today . . . . !

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President yells. "That's TERRIBLE!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,

"Exactly how many is a Brazillion?"




[(-D][:-,][swg][:-^][D)][X-)][alien][:P]

That actually happened to Al Gore, no joke, that is what he said, I am dead serious he was not making a joke he thougth it was a number, repeat he really was that dumb. This from the guy who invented the internet.[:D]

[Anonymous]

I had a dream that i was a locomotive starter which starts up locomotives in the shop... an older person showed me how to start up the locomotive but he didn't tell me that some loco's might have a mine of its own.... i started up a pair of GP9's and the lead unit whet flying though the first pair of doors and went THUNK! looked and took off....

[dmoore74]

Disease Warning


THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL has issued a no-nonsense warning
about a new, highly virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease.

This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect
him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the
past 6 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves
from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim
include, but are not limited to, anti-social personality disorder
traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor;
chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive
dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia and
homophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions;
exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial
smirking; total ignorance of geography and history; tendencies
toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for
categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and
epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a
few years ago in a Texas bush.

Please inform any of your friends and associates who have been
acting unusual lately.

[miniwyo]

Becasue I have said that at least twice this month!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Lotus098

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President yells. "That's TERRIBLE!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,

"Exactly how many is a Brazillion?"




[(-D][:-,][swg][:-^][D)][X-)][alien][:P]

That actually happened to Al Gore, no joke, that is what he said, I am dead serious he was not making a joke he thougth it was a number, repeat he really was that dumb. This from the guy who invented the internet.[:D]

The first time I heard this joke the subject in question was V.P. Dan Quayle[:0][:p][:D]

[vsmith]

Two guys from New Jersey are out hunting in the woods when one of them has a seizure and collapsed to the ground, his buddy starts panicking and fumbles for his cell phone calling 911...

"911 what is your Emergency"

"Oh my gawd Oh my gawd , My buddies collapsed, he fell to da ground, he's dead, he's dead whadda I do whadda I do...he's dead, he's dead "

OK sir, relax, I can help, first listen to me...are you sure he's dead? you need to che..."

"Oh... Hold On!"

The EMT hears a gunshot

"OK, now what?"

[:0][(-D]

[JoeKoh]

vsmith
thank you for the funnies.
stay safe
joe

[dmoore74]

If "big-boobed" women work at Hooters . . .

Where do "one-legged" women work?????

(Give up?....Scroll down)
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IHOP!!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dmoore74

If "big-boobed" women work at Hooters . . .

Where do "one-legged" women work?????

(Give up?....Scroll down)
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IHOP!!

[banghead][bow][banghead][bow][banghead][bow][banghead]

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dmoore74

If "big-boobed" women work at Hooters . . .

Where do "one-legged" women work?????

(Give up?....Scroll down)
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IHOP!!

And they typicaly go by the name I-lean. [:D]

[Anonymous]

Let's see how good you history skills are.
Scientist have discovered a disease. This disease has had terrible effects in history. A virus it first appeared in the old Roman Republic, but was soon stopped. The leaders of every country feared it, for thousands of years afterward. A pandemic of it spread quickly in the late 16th century. The hardest hit place were the English colonies of America, where the disease spread unchecked. To make sure of their immunity Russia began a huge effort to make sure it would never reach them in 1917. It was carried by our troops into France in World War II. Many of the founding father's never recovered from its effects. It even helped bring down the Soviet Union. Many fear that again American troops will spread it, unleashing it on Iraq, and now many cases have been reported. Do you know what this terrible disease could be?








































































































Can't guess, go on down.



















































































































































































































































The Freedom bug (freedomus democracyious) How can we stop it? Highlight the answer, but only if you really want to know. Be a communist , Hiliary for 2008!Please don't make this kill a 119 page thread.

[vsmith]

Huh? I dont get it? I thought this was a Humor thread [?]

Well nothing happens when highlighted? no discernable humor, just a mild political statement, must be something wrong with the way its posted....disabled a link somewhere.

Now to get us back onto HUMOR[:D]

A selection of the latest nominees for the ever popular Darwin Awards![:p] The Award given out to the those who manage to remove themselves from the gene pool and thus prevent passing on the stupidity got them nominated...

Why Idiots And Fireworks Are Always A Bad Idea
(28 March 2004, Jacksonville, Florida) Shannon, 35, had a fun idea for a prank: shoot a six-inch rocket at his girlfriend as he drove by in his Ford Mustang. But before he could launch it out the window, the fuse burned down to the ignition point, and the rocket began to ricochet around the inside of his car, finally exploding between his legs. The fla***emporarily blinded him, which protected him from seeing the extent of the damage. Neighbors saw the flash and heard the explosion. They rushed toward the car to find a person on fire! They extinguished the flames, to reveal a man singed from his groin to his toes, with an outline of his sandals burned onto his feet.
"I thought I was dead," Shannon told a reporter. "I couldn't see, I couldn't hear, I couldn't walk." He was taken to a medical center and treated for second-degree burns. When interviewed by a reporter, he reflected on his potentially fatal encounter with rockets, raised his hairless eyebrows, and said, "No more of those!"


Dam that Dam Dam
(24 July 2004, Wisconsin) Barbara, 26, must have listened too many times to the old song "High Hopes" and its verse about a perky little fish: "And she swam, and she swam right over the dam." But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes, when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells. She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her 24-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it--she soared over that dam like a flying fish. Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly from massive head injuries. Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the Police Chief said, "It kind of speaks for itself."

HECK ON WHEELS
(17 April 2005, Indiana) Late one night, 26-year-old Joseph was blazing down the road in the Chain O'Lakes district of Syracuse on his Yamaha moped. When he saw flashing lights in his rear-view mirror, well... with the wind whistling through his ears, he must have concluded that he could outrun a mere police cruiser. This hard-boiled candidate for the Heck's Angels revved his engine and roared off. The speedometer needle flashed past 10 mph...20...30...and within less than a minute, it was hitting the red zone at a blinding 40 mph. But no matter how fast Joseph went, he was unable to shake the pursuing police officer from his tail. If only he had a spare JATO strapped to his machine! The two-stroke engine was buzzing like a hummingbird from the strain of the chase. Was he thinking, "You'll never get me alive, copper!" as he sped through the intersection with County Road 800E? The answer will never be known. Joseph lost control of his would-be road rocket, crashed into a tree, and died instantly of massive head injuries.

[:D]

[zardoz]

Back to "humor":

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

[zardoz]

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

[zardoz]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

[zardoz]

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wa***heir chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

[zardoz]

You're from Rural Canada if.....

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for elk, moose or deer meat.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

There are two seasons: Liquid and Solid

Nine months of winter and three months of rough sledding.

Six inches of snow is still considered a heavy frost.

You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your other Northern friends.

[zardoz]

Some self-evident truths about pets...

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

[Noah Hofrichter]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith
Dam that Dam Dam
(24 July 2004, Wisconsin) Barbara, 26, must have listened too many times to the old song "High Hopes" and its verse about a perky little fish: "And she swam, and she swam right over the dam." But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes, when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells. She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her 24-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it--she soared over that dam like a flying fish. Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly from massive head injuries. Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the Police Chief said, "It kind of speaks for itself."

Whoa!! That is really, really Darwin award material. I go by this dam a few times a month, and it isn't a very little dam either, that sucker is huge!!! And there are plenty of warning, about the time you get to the CP railroad bridge, a few thousand feet before the dam.

Noah