Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

[zardoz]

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

[Anonymous]

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http://digicc.com/fido/

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How do they do that ? ? ? [;)]

[waltersrails]

http://ztrainman.tripod.com/

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

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http://digicc.com/fido/
How do they do that ? ? ? [;)]

Took some creative programming (in Basic) and some good old human pattern recognition, but I figured it out.... But I won't tell [}:)]

Pretty interesting! Must be based on an old parlor game.

[Anonymous]

A lady of mature years inherited a parrot which had a foul mouth....every few minutes, the bird would cackle "I'm a swinger". One day, the parrot made this remark while the lady's parish priest was visiting.

"Don't worry", said the priest; "I have two parrots at the rectory, and we cured them."

"But what did you do?"

"I taught them to recite the rosary, Come over for a visit and you'll see."

The lady paid a visit to the rectory and saw the two parrots perched next to a table containing a roasry and a small bell. Oe would strike the bell, the second would say the required prayer, the first would move the bead, and the roles would be reversed for the next round, just like clockwork.

"Marvelous, chimed the parishioner; May I bring my parrot in?"

"Sure, we'll see you tomorrow morning."

The next morning, the woman showed up at the rectory with her parrot, which immediately blurted out, "I'm a swinger" --- whereupon one of the priest's two parrots said to the other:

(pregnant pause)

"You can put the beads away, Joe; Our prayers have been answered!!"

[samfp1943]

One hunderd and Twenty-two pages--my dial-up would take forever to go thru it all--but what I have read is pretty funny stuff..getting close to Christmas,in twelve days..So an early Merry Christmas to all... and a little humor, for the season, Y'ALL[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]
A Redneck Christmas Joke The Three Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[art11758]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The
Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods
and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with
a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last request?

The LoneRanger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, dumb ***,
I said, "BRING POSSE!"

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by waltersrails

http://ztrainman.tripod.com/

What is on that site that it warrants inclusion in the "humor" thread?

Perhaps what is funny is the low quality of the photos.

Or did you just hijack this thread to promote your lame site?

[samfp1943]

How misunderstanding can be humorous:
A Woman goes to the Post Office to buy Stamps for her Christmas Cards.
She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Christmas stamps."
The Clerk says "What denominations?"
The woman says "Heaven help us, has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Baptist, 10 Lutheran & 22 Presbyterian."
[:)][:)][:)]

[zardoz]

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs !

[zardoz]

A little holiday humor game.

http://www.elfmovie.com/swf/snowball_fight/index.html

[CShaveRR]

Aren't gullible sisters wonderful?

When we lived in Glen Ellyn, we used to have to pass a house that had a regular mailbox by the road, and another one, mounted on a pole about eight feet higher, labeled "Air Mail". When my sister visited me once I made a point of driving her past this mailbox. Silence.

I said, "I'm amazed--I thought for sure you'd ask how they got the mail into that box."
"Yeah, I was just trying to figure that out. Do you know?"

(I wasn't so lucky on my attempt to convince her that the waves flowed away from the shore on this side of Lake Michigan.)

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Aren't gullible sisters wonderful?

When we lived in Glen Ellyn, we used to have to pass a house that had a regular mailbox by the road, and another one, mounted on a pole about eight feet higher, labeled "Air Mail". When my sister visited me once I made a point of driving her past this mailbox. Silence.

I said, "I'm amazed--I thought for sure you'd ask how they got the mail into that box."
"Yeah, I was just trying to figure that out. Do you know?"

(I wasn't so lucky on my attempt to convince her that the waves flowed away from the shore on this side of Lake Michigan.)

Gullible nephews are fun, also.

For some reason, Kenosha has a cannon on display in a park on the lakeshore near downtown on. It points directly east towards Michigan.

One day I took my nephews from out-of-town on a little tour of Kenosha. When he asked about the cannon, I told him it was a leftover from the great Wisconsin-Michigan war of 1875 that Wisconsin lost, and that is how Wisconsin lost the Upper Peninsula to Michigan.

Come to think of it, I never did tell him I was "pulling his leg".

[espeefoamer]

I always wondered how that part of Wisconsin became part of Michigan[;)]!

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer

I always wondered how that part of Wisconsin became part of Michigan[;)]!

Don't let him fool you - they lost it in a poker game..[swg]

Actually, Michigan was the "loser" on that deal. It really involved a relatively small strip of land on the Michigan-Ohio border (the dispute was called The Toledo War). Ohio got the strip of land, and Michigan got the UP as a consolation (they originally considered the territory rather useless, until they found out about the iron and copper deposits).... I don't think Wisconsin had much of a say in the deal.

See, I did learn something in Michigan History and Government in 7th grade!

[zardoz]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[zardoz]

A shy young man was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, the shy man hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "***, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

[zardoz]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[zardoz]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to said he had a real good time!"

[zardoz]

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few feet away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, Apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[zardoz]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

[zardoz]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN:

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

7. Your cat has its own homepage.

8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."

9. You have your screen name as your license plate.

10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.

11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.

13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".

15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

16. You have internet in your bathroom.

17. You name your dog DotCom.

18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.

[zardoz]

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

[dmoore74]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Regarding candidate #7 please check the following: http://www.snopes.com/autos/techno/cruise.asp

[rrnut282]

I would hope that explains the other "Stella award nominees" as well. I find it hard to believe that any sane, rational judge would allow a suit like that to go to trial. I really find it hard to believe that there was (are) juries out there that would reward that kind of stupidity. Although it is a jury of one's "peers". [banghead]

Otherwise, keep em coming Z.

[tree68]

While #7 has been around so long (and is so outrageous) that it has to be urban legend, some of the others have a certain grain of truth. More often than not those cases get settled out of court for an amount that's probably less than the insurance company would have paid to fight it in court...

[vsmith]

A Touching Christmas Tale

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed
in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read,

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had in
the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas
and I had invited two of my friends over for +mas dinner. Without that
money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you
are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the
Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postal workers and they all dug into their
pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised $96. Using an
official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old
lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking
of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed
to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postal workers gathered
around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it
and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
***s at the Post Office."

Thanks again for your help.

[rrandb]

This is supposidly a true story. Winston Churchill was seated next to a woman at a dinner party who found him so abrasive she told him " Sir if you were my husband I would poisen your drink!" He replied " Madam if you were my wife I would gladly drink it !!!"

[zardoz]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than a sack of rocks. It tells me that someone stole our tent."