Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

[zardoz]

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain.

Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.

"Doctor!" She asks "What happened to the children?"

"Don't worry madam." He replied, "The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them."

"Oh no! My brother is an idiot" She cried. "What did he name them?"

"Well your daughter's name is Denise" The doctor informed her.

The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"

"Denephew" The doctor replied.

[zardoz]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

[zardoz]

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. "Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now tell HIM you have a headache."

[zardoz]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The girlfriend says, "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"

[zardoz]

A married man goes out for a pack of cigarettes one night, and, since the store was closed and the next closest place open was a bar, he decides to go in and have a drink. After a couple of beers, a young blonde sits down beside him. The two start talking, and end up leaving together.

After a long night of sex the man looks at the clock and says, "Oh, my God! My wife is gonna kill me! Quick: Do you have any baby powder?"

"Baby powder?" the woman asks. "Yes, here."

The man spreads the powder all over his hands, and drives home.

When he gets home, his wife asks, "Where have you been?"

He proceeds to tell her about the blonde and the long night of sex.

"You expect me to believe that?" she says. "Let me see your hands."

As he puts out his hands, she says, "You liar! You’ve been out with your friends all night bowling again!"

[zardoz]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

No, she says, they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

[zardoz]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[zardoz]

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What’s that?"

The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "the airbag."

[Anonymous]

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS

BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN,

AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

[Anonymous]

Did you hear about the blonde sniffing nutrasweet?

Yeah, she thought it was diet coke.

[miniwyo]

Best Commercial Evar!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dye_ibjPY0g&search=Funny%20Commercial%204

[zardoz]

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!!

Research on bread indicates that:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

[lonewoof]

...as if "Bread" wasn't bad enough:

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.

* in nuclear power plants.

* in the production of styrofoam.

* as a fire retardant.

* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.

[CShaveRR]

Maybe this time our readers will pay attention. I tried to give the stuff up long ago. [;)]

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Maybe this time our readers will pay attention. I tried to give the stuff up long ago. [;)]

Yeah - it dilutes the L******r...... [}:)]

[rvos1979]

From 10-4 Magazine.......

A female police officer was working a truckstop undercover as a prostitute and stated over the CB radio "I'll do anything for twenty dollars". A trucker responded, and told her where he was parked.

Upon arrival at his truck, he gave her a bottle of wax, a rag, and twenty dollars and asked her to wax his tractor and trailer.

She politely returned the items and told him what she was trying to do, after which the driver promptly left.

Truth is stranger than fiction......

[railfanespee4449]

Here's a limerick-
There once was a guy named Jack
He sat on the railroad track
A train came along
He was singing a song
The last sound he heard was WHACK!

[zardoz]

25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the heck happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

I couldn't.

[zardoz]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.

[zardoz]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[zardoz]

Fishing Story

A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the heck did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then
he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[samfp1943]

Folks, This is too funny, NOT to pass along;[}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it
saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew
the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess
about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green
head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He ***
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a *** he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

I did not read the entire 200+ pages, if it is a repeat, I apologise, but still, it is too funny ROFLMAO.
Sam

[Anonymous]

So three nuns were walking down the street one day talking about all kinds of nonsense when one of them goes..."Hey guess what I found in father's bedroom"

The other two nuns say..."What?". The first nun says.."I found some dirty magazines under father's bed."

"What'd you do with the dirty magazines?". "I threw them away immediately"

"That's nothing" says the second nun. "I was putting away father's clothes and found condoms in the dresser drawer"

The first nun gasps..."What'd you do with those?!"

"Poked holes in all of them and put them back in the drawer." The nun says.

"Oh***"...goes the third nun.

[Anonymous]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer
were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.
______________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. This was in Jackson Mississippi
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,
How would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in
Wichita, KS
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a
bunch at Texas Instruments.
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know I already got
that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
*They walk among us . AND REPRODUCE!!!
.
They walk among us, AND THEY VOTE!!!

[Anonymous]

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS(Personal favorite- #6)

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the "better "ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an *** on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)

[zardoz]

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:


In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

[locomutt]

Entrance Exam for Heaven


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?"
St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder:
"How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer:
"Name them."

[dmoore74]

> > Wally's Wedding Night.........
> >
> >
> > At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
> >
> > Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding
> > she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that
> > her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
> > night together.
> >
> > After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
> > expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens
> > and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
> >
> > They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and
she
> > prepares to go to sleep.
> >
> > After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
> > bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
> >
> > Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the
> > newlyweds
> > are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
> >
> > She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back
> > again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
> > more
> > "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
> >
> > But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am
> > thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
> > often.
> > I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
> > once.
> > You are truly a great lover, Wally."
> >
> > Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
> >
> > ........."You mean I was here already?"
> >
> >
> > The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
> >
> >

[cherokee woman]

A little laugh for today*
> >
> > FAMILY
> >
> > Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
> > together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
> > She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
> > other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the
> > bath?"
> >
> > The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll
> come
> > up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.
> > "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
> >
> > The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table
> > having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes
> her
> > head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
> > forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for
> > good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and
> > help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
> > door."
> > _______________________________________________
> >
> > "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
> >
> > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
> > playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to
> the
> > other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
> > replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed
> > in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
> > ___________________________________________
> >
> > WHAT A CHOICE
> >
> > A little old lady was running up and down the
> halls
> > in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip
> up
> > the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She
> > walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
> > Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex.."
> He
> > sat silently for a moment or two and finally
> > answered, "I'll take the soup."
> > ____________________________________________
> >
> > OLD FRIENDS
> >
> > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
> > decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds
> > of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> > activities had been limited to meeting a few times
> a
> > week to play cards. One day, they were playing
> cards
> > when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't
> > get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a
> long
> > time, but I just can't think of your name! I've
> > thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
> Please
> > tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at
> > her. For at least three minutes she just stared
> and
> > glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
> > need to know?"
> > _____________________________________________
> >
> > SENIOR DRIVING
> >
> >
> > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
> > his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
> > voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
> on
> > the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> > Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said
> > Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
> > them!"
> > ______________________________________________
> >
> > DRIVING
> >
> > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car,
> > both could barely see over the dashboard. As they
> > were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
> > The stoplight was red, but they just went on
> > through. The woman in the passenger seat thought
> to
> > herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn
> we
> > just went through a red light."
> >
> > After a few more minutes, they came to another
> > intersection and the light was red again.
> > Again, they went right through. The woman in the
> > passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
> > been red but was really concerned that she was
> > losing it.
> >
> > She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
> > sure enough, the light was red and they went on
> > through. So, she turned to the other woman and
> said,
> > "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through
> three
> > red lights in a row? You could have killed us
> both!"
> > Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I
> > driving?"
> >
> >
>
______________________________________________________
> >
> >
> > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone
> to
> > report that her car has been broken into. She is
> > hysterical as she explains her situation to the
> > dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
> steering
> > wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
> > she cried. The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam,
> an
> > officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
> > officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says "She got
> in
> > the back-seat by mistake."
> >
> > PLEASE!!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
> >
>
>