A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "So, how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! I've gotta come home, Please Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: cook, wash, iron & dust..."
Revised Standard Digital Version of the Birds and Bees
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
"Well,” said the dad, “I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said, ‘You've Got Male’."
Have fun with your trains
http://www.ezprezzo.com/animations/fart_button.html
Dont spend all day playing with it...
http://www.ezprezzo.com/videoclips/japanese_sauna_prank.html
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
At the risk of being politically incorrect.....
A Texas Panhandle rancher and his wife were bickering while holidaying in Paris, France.
They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a four-star French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak." The waiter replied: "But Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?" To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked.
The Pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Eddie had been suffering with excruciating headaches for several years. He finally decided to have a doctor check it out.
The doctor said, "Eddie, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."Eddie was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a newsuit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44long."
Eddie laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Eddie tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Eddie admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Eddie thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Eddie and said, "Let see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Eddie was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Eddie tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.Eddie walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Eddie thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Eddie's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
Random Politically Incorrect Jokes One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.*************************************************************A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?""Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."*************************************************************Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.***************************************************************A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'"Can you read this?" the optician asked."Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."***************************************************************Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."*************************************************************A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving. *********************************************************************Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the heck alone.2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.15. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
And the winner is:
15. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
(Have you ever had the mad urge to tell a motor-mouth to shut up?)
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
zardoz wrote: Yea! A new contributor. My joke stash is just about empty.
You can just send people over to the "Don't blame the railroads" thread....
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
tree68 wrote: zardoz wrote: Yea! A new contributor. My joke stash is just about empty. You can just send people over to the "Don't blame the railroads" thread....
I hadn't been to that thread for a while....it sure has deteriorated. But reading it is sort of like seeing a traffic accident: you don't really want to look, but you can't help yourself.
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