The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
You are an extreme redneck when:
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys,watch this."7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.9. Your junior prom offered day care.10. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.17. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Have fun with your trains
I am sure someone posted stories like these... but, I don't feel like reading 139 pages of posts... (I can't take the computer in the john....so, there we are)
A few years ago, I was a Technical Support Professional, for that computer company that had the cow-spotted boxes.... Here are some honest-to-God things that happened to me.......
One afternoon, a woman came into the store, with a hand full of DVD's that she was returning to Hollywood Video, a couple of doors down from my store. She came in the shop area, and asked me if she needed to rewinde the DVD's before returning them.......
One customer came in and asked that we put the latest version of the Internet on a CD/R for him... He stated his version of the Internet was out dated, according to his brother-in-law who "knows computers" When asked what he meant by the "latest version of the Internet" he stated "you know, the internet that is in my computer, I know you guys put the Internet on every computer you sell, and I want the latest version.... I didn't pay 1,500 dollars for a new computer, and not have the latest version of the Internet on it"..... At this point, trying to explain anything to this guy would have been more effort than it would have been worth. So, my partner had the guy bring in his computer.. and we hooked it up to the network in the shop, and made a big show of showing him the latest version of the "Internet" that we put on his computer.
I was called out to the sales floor because a customer had some question about a CD Burner that the computer he was purchasing had on it. His concern? He wanted to know how hot the CD burner got, and what he was supposed to do with the ashes..... Perplexed, I asked him what he was talking about, and he stated "Isn't a CD burner used for disposing of old CD's you don't need anymore? I need to know how hot it gets, and if it will melt the case, and also, does the CD burner make alot of smoke?" Trying very hard to keep a straight face, and convinced my fellow employee was setting me up, I patiently explained what a CD burner did, and why is was named as such. The gentleman thought about it for a moment, and said...."Oh, well if I can't destroy my old CD's I guess I don't need a CD burner."
An older couple came in to buy one of those new "computer e-mail boxes" because their neighbor said that the US Mail was no longer going to be delivering mail, and they wanted to know how to let their friends know that they were going to be getting email, and not to send any more paper mail.
While performing phone support for a customer, who was having Windows problems, I asked him what was on his desktop when he booted up his computer. After a brief pause he stated. "A blotter, a stapler, and a pen and pencil holder... what does this have to do with my broken computer?"
A customer called, and she stated that her computer would not turn on. She had her computer, monitor, printer and scanner all plugged in, and they were on, but the computer did not turn on. I asked if she had pushed the power switch, to which she replied "Power switch, what power switch?"
This guy comes into the shop, and says his computer has a virus. After explaining what our prices were he agreed to have it serviced. 2 days later, he comes and picks it up. 4 hours later, he is back, with the same problem. I asked him what happened, and he said. "Well, I was trying to look at some Anna Kournikova pictures my friend sent me". (There was a viurs being distributed with the name "Kournikovapics" as the file attachment to the email) After explaining to this person that the file wasn't really pictures, it was a virus, he looked at me and said. "Can you take the virus out of the file, so I can see the pictures?"
A customer brought in his keyboard, mouse, and computer, stating that we sent him a defective unit. Upon inspection, the plugs on the keyboard and mouse were terribly mangled, as well as the corresponding plugs on the computer. We took it in for service, and the mystery of the mangled cables came to light when he came to pick it up. After giving him his computer, mouse and keyboard, the customer wanted to make sure that the "connected properly" and proceeded to insert the plugs and try to twist them... I stopped him and he looked at me and said... "Well, they are 'twist-lock' right?"
All the above are true..... really, they are.
As Tim Chgo9 indicates; truth can be stranger than fiction.
I OWE MY MOTHER, (Who was always ahead of her time!)
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don 't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY.. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home !" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. My mother taught me about FRIENDSHIP. "One day you'll have friends, Treat them well, and they will be there for you when you are down, and need them. I will not always be here for you." 26. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
THEN: Long Hair NOW: Longing for hair.
THEN: The perfect high. NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
THEN: Keg. NOW: EKG.
THEN: Acid Rock. NOW: Acid Reflux.
THEN: Moving to California because it's cool. NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.
THEN: You're growing pot. NOW: Your growing pot belly.
THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
THEN: Seeds and stems. NOW: Roughage.
THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints. NOW: Popping joints.
THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel. NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
THEN: Paar. NOW: AARP.
THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine. NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
THEN: Killer weed. NOW: Weed killer.
THEN: Hoping for a BMW. NOW: Hoping for a BM.
THEN: The Grateful Dead. NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.
THEN: Going out to a new, hip joint. NOW: Getting a new hip joint.
THEN: Rolling Stones. NOW: Kidney stones.
THEN: Being called into the principal's office. NOW: Calling the principal's office.
THEN: Screw the system! NOW: Upgrade the system.
THEN: Peace sign. NOW: Mercedes logo.
THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
THEN: Taking acid. NOW: Taking antacid.
THEN: Passing the driver's test. NOW: Passing the vision test.
THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.
THEN: "Whatever" NOW: "Depends"
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS
1 Tsp. Sugar1 or 2 Quarts of Rum1 Cup Dried FruitBrown Sugar1 Tsp. Soda1 Cup Butter2 Large Eggs1 Cup Baking Powder3 Juiced Lemons1 Cup of Nuts
Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed.
Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.
Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter).
Sample rum.
Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check run again and bo to ged.
..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!
(We don't know if this stuff is really true or not, but it sure sounds good ...)
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...
Here are some facts from the 1500's
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, next all the other sons and men, next the women and finally the children; last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
Houses had thatched roofs (thick straw) piled high, with no wood beneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof; hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs".
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up a bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection; hence canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt, and only the wealthy had something other than dirt; hence the saying "dirt poor".
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway; hence a "threshold".
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while; hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot - nine days old".
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leak onto the food causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top or the "upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up; hence the custom of "holding a wake".
England is old and small, and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin, up through the ground, and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night on the "graveyard shift" to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the real truth...
Whoever said that History was boring?!
Welcome to Chicago!
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 4am to 10am. The afternoon rush hour is from 10am to 3pm.The evening rush hour is from 3pm to 2am. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, if you happen to be on the south side, possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic but be prepared to hear the horns from all the cars behind you because you didn't immediately start moving.
Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix, as well as the Dan Ryan (I55).
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period!
First Ave, LaGrange Rd, Pulaski, NW Highway...all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.
If you are asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. In Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side, you'd better be armed.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is NOT ornamental.
The Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago time. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round. If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25 to park in the "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard', run over him.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
She could not live with a live mouse in the house.
It was just a minute *** and over in a minute.
His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.
We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.
There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.
You should spring that on us next spring!
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