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Would you believe..... (a little humor) Locked

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Posted by Datafever on Monday, October 16, 2006 3:34 PM
Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it."

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Monday, October 16, 2006 11:35 PM
A man was hiking through a wilderness when he found his way blocked by a sizeable river.  He pulled out his map, but after a bit of study, was unable to determine if it would be better for him to proceed up-river or down-river in order to find a crossing.  As he was pondering what he should do, he spied a blonde lady strolling along the far bank of the river.

"Halloo, over there," he yelled.  "Can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?"

She looked at him with complete bewilderment before replying, "You are on the other side!"
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 7:41 AM

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.  When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.  When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 7:45 AM

You are an extreme redneck when:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys,watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 7:58 AM
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 7:59 AM
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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Posted by vsmith on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 10:59 AM
This has to be the best commercial ever:
 

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by vsmith on Tuesday, October 17, 2006 11:15 AM

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, October 18, 2006 1:59 AM
It's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:



Is it the right time?



Is anyone watching?



Does your partner even want to?



Is your breath fresh?



And... Should you use some tongue?



Then you lean in and just go for it!!!





"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Thursday, October 19, 2006 12:33 AM
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by JSGreen on Thursday, October 19, 2006 9:16 AM
Credits at the end cite Eric Idle, one of the Pythons.  I remember seeing that the first time in "The Meaning Of Life".
...I may have a one track mind, but at least it's not Narrow (gauge) Wink.....
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Posted by Datafever on Thursday, October 19, 2006 9:23 AM
My apologies.  You are correct.  This is not the Clint Black version.Blush [:I]
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Posted by JSGreen on Thursday, October 19, 2006 9:28 AM
still amusing, though!Smile [:)]
...I may have a one track mind, but at least it's not Narrow (gauge) Wink.....
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Posted by Datafever on Friday, October 20, 2006 1:44 AM
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, October 21, 2006 12:57 AM
The following is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
 
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers t throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the & Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, October 21, 2006 10:37 PM








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Posted by JSGreen on Sunday, October 22, 2006 10:06 AM
A little late for posting in the global warming debate...



...I may have a one track mind, but at least it's not Narrow (gauge) Wink.....
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Posted by TimChgo9 on Sunday, October 22, 2006 2:15 PM

I am sure someone posted stories like these... but, I don't feel like reading 139 pages of posts... (I can't take the computer in the john....so, there we are)

A few years ago, I was a Technical Support Professional, for that computer company that had the cow-spotted boxes.... Here are some honest-to-God things that happened to me.......

One afternoon, a woman came into the store, with a hand full of DVD's that she was returning to Hollywood Video, a couple of doors down from my store.  She came in the shop area, and asked me if she needed to rewinde the DVD's before returning them....... 

One customer came in and asked that we put the latest version of the Internet on a CD/R for him... He stated his version of the Internet was out dated, according to his brother-in-law who "knows computers"   When asked what he meant by the "latest version of the Internet"  he stated  "you know, the internet that is in my computer, I know you guys put the Internet on every computer you sell, and I want the latest version.... I didn't pay 1,500 dollars for a new computer, and not have the latest version of the Internet on it".....  At this point, trying to explain anything to this guy would have been more effort than it would have been worth.   So, my partner had the guy bring in his computer.. and we hooked it up to the network in the shop, and made a big show of showing him the latest version of the "Internet" that we put on his computer. 

I was called out to the sales floor because a customer had some question about a CD Burner that the computer he was purchasing had on it.  His concern?  He wanted to know how hot the CD burner got, and what he was supposed to do with the ashes..... Perplexed, I asked him what he was talking about, and he stated "Isn't a CD burner used for disposing of old CD's you don't need anymore?  I need to know how hot it gets, and if it will melt the case, and also, does the CD burner make alot of smoke?"  Trying very hard to keep a straight face, and convinced my fellow employee was setting me up, I patiently explained what a CD burner did, and why is was named as such.  The gentleman thought about it for a moment, and said...."Oh, well if I can't destroy my old CD's I guess I don't need a CD burner."

An older couple came in to buy one of those new "computer e-mail boxes" because their neighbor said that the US Mail was no longer going to be delivering mail, and they wanted to know how to let their friends know that they were going to be getting email, and not to send any more paper mail. 

While performing phone support for a customer, who was having Windows problems, I asked him what was on his desktop when he booted up his computer.  After a brief pause he stated. "A blotter, a stapler, and a pen and pencil holder... what does this have to do with my broken computer?"

A customer called, and she stated that her computer would not turn on.  She had her computer, monitor, printer and scanner all plugged in, and they were on, but the computer did not turn on.  I asked if she had pushed the power switch, to which she replied "Power switch, what power switch?"

This guy comes into the shop, and says his computer has a virus. After explaining what our prices were he agreed to have it serviced.  2 days later, he comes and picks it up.  4 hours later, he is back, with the same problem.  I asked him what happened, and he said. "Well, I was trying to look at some Anna Kournikova pictures my friend sent me".  (There was a viurs being distributed with the name "Kournikovapics" as the file attachment to the email)  After explaining to this person that the file wasn't really pictures, it was a virus, he looked at me and said.  "Can you take the virus out of the file, so I can see the pictures?" 

A customer brought in his keyboard, mouse, and computer, stating that we sent him a defective unit. Upon inspection, the plugs on the keyboard and mouse were terribly mangled, as well as the corresponding plugs on the computer.  We took it in for service, and the mystery of the mangled cables came to light when he came to pick it up.  After giving him his computer, mouse and keyboard, the customer wanted to make sure that the "connected properly" and proceeded to insert the plugs and try to twist them...  I stopped him and he looked at me and said... "Well, they are 'twist-lock' right?"


All the above are true..... really, they are. 

 

"Chairman of the Awkward Squad" "We live in an amazing, amazing world that is just wasted on the biggest generation of spoiled idiots." Flashing red lights are a warning.....heed it. " I don't give a hoot about what people have to say, I'm laughing as I'm analyzed" What if the "hokey pokey" is what it's all about?? View photos at: http://www.eyefetch.com/profile.aspx?user=timChgo9
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Posted by samfp1943 on Sunday, October 22, 2006 3:43 PM

As Tim Chgo9 indicates; truth can be stranger than fiction.

I OWE MY MOTHER, (Who was always ahead of her time!)

 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
 "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
 cleaning." 

 2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
 "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
 "If you don 't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
 week!"
 
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
 " Because I said so, that's why."
 
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
 store with me."
 
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT..
 "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
 
7. My mother taught me IRONY..
 "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
 
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
 
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
 "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
 
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
 "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
 "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
 "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
 
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
 "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
 
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
 "Stop acting like your father!"
 
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
 "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
 wonderful parents like you do."

 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
 "Just wait until we get home."
 
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
 "You are going to get it when you get home !"
 
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
 
19. My mother taught me ESP.
 "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

 20. My mother taught me HUMOR
 "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
 "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
 "You're just like your father."
 
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
 "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
 "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
 
25. My mother taught me about FRIENDSHIP. 
"One day you'll have friends, Treat them well, and they will be there for you
 when you are down, and need them. I will not always be here for you."
 
26. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
 "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
 
 
 
   
 
 

 

 


 

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Posted by Datafever on Sunday, October 22, 2006 10:54 PM

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by CShaveRR on Monday, October 23, 2006 9:31 AM
Don't worry--somewhere there's going to be a locomotive with this very photograph under the cab, and one tally mark!

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 10:54 AM

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

 

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

You call Olan Mills before they call you.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 10:57 AM

Then and now : the 1960's vs. the 2000's

 

THEN: Long Hair   NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.   NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

THEN: Keg.   NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.   NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.   NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.

THEN: You're growing pot.   NOW: Your growing pot belly.

THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.

   NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.  

   NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

THEN: Seeds and stems.   NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.   NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel.  NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

THEN: Paar.  NOW: AARP.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.  NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.   NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: Hoping for a BMW.   NOW: Hoping for a BM.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.    NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Going out to a new, hip joint.   NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.   NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.  NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!   NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.   NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.  

      NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Taking acid.   NOW: Taking antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.   NOW: Passing the vision test.

THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.

      NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.

THEN: "Whatever"   NOW: "Depends"

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 11:01 AM

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...

Breakfast:

  • 1/2 grapefruit
  • 1 slice whole wheat toast
  • 8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
  • 4 oz. lean broiled chicken ***
  • 1 cup steamed spinach
  • 1 cup herb tea
  • 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
  • The rest of Oreos in the package
  • 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
  • 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
  • 2 loaves garlic bread
  • 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
  • 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
  • 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
  • Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

  • If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

  • When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

  • Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  • Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.

  • Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

  • Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

  • Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

  • Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

 

STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 11:41 AM

A Guide to Understanding Your Cat

Action Meaning
Staring at the food dish = Feed Me
Staring at the cupboard = Feed Me
Licking the empty bowl = Feed Me
Looking at you, taking two steps, looking at you again = Follow me to the kitchen and feed me
Looking at your lap = Okay, you seem to like it when I sit on you — then will you feed me?
Sitting on your head = Wake up and feed me.
Scratching at the bedroom door = Wake up, Open this door and FEED ME.
Meow, Meow, Meowrrr = Feed me, Feed me, Feed me NOW!
Burp = Thank you!
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 12:02 PM
How to give the cat a pill
  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 12:44 PM

Christmas Rum Cake

 

1 Tsp. Sugar
1 or 2 Quarts of Rum
1 Cup Dried Fruit
Brown Sugar
1 Tsp. Soda
1 Cup Butter
2 Large Eggs
1 Cup Baking Powder
3 Juiced Lemons
1 Cup of Nuts

Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed.

Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.

Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.

Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.

Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.

Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.

Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter).

Sample rum.

Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.

Check run again and bo to ged.

..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 1:04 PM

History 101

 

(We don't know if this stuff is really true or not, but it sure sounds good ...)

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...

Here are some facts from the 1500's

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, next all the other sons and men, next the women and finally the children; last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".

Houses had thatched roofs (thick straw) piled high, with no wood beneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof; hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs".

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up a bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection; hence canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt, and only the wealthy had something other than dirt; hence the saying "dirt poor".

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway; hence a "threshold".

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while; hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot - nine days old".

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leak onto the food causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up; hence the custom of "holding a wake".

England is old and small, and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin, up through the ground, and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night on the "graveyard shift" to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".

And that's the real truth...

Whoever said that History was boring?!

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 1:15 PM

 

 

Welcome to Chicago!

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.
If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago.
We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 4am to 10am. The afternoon rush hour is from 10am to 3pm.The evening rush hour is from 3pm to 2am.  Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, if you happen to be on the south side, possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic but be prepared to hear the horns from all the cars behind you because you didn't immediately start moving.

Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix, as well as the Dan Ryan (I55).

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period!

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, Pulaski, NW Highway...all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.

If you are asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish.
In Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.
If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side, you'd better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is NOT ornamental.

The Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago time.
If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park.
If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25 to park in the "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard', run over him.

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, October 23, 2006 1:18 PM
I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

She could not live with a live mouse in the house.

It was just a minute *** and over in a minute.

His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.

We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.

There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.

You should spring that on us next spring!

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