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Would you believe..... (a little humor) Locked

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 6:14 AM
A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.

When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.

"What for?" asked his grandpa.

"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"
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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 6:55 AM

A professor was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart-mouth student asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter subsided, the prof glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse -- you can use your other hand to write".

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 8:16 AM
When You Live In The DEEP South :

* You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

* You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

* Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

* Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

* You burn your yard rather than mow it.

* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

* Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

* You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

* You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

* You come back from the dump with more than you took.

* You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

* You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

* You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

* You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

* You have a rag for a gas cap.

* You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

* Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

* Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.

* Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

* A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements.
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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 11:58 AM

College Entrance Exam For Football Players


You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d)Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 12:54 PM

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 12:57 PM

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 12:59 PM

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar".  "The breakfast was my idea!!"

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 9, 2006 1:09 PM

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Thursday, November 9, 2006 1:58 PM

In 1905 there was a revolution of sorts taking place down in Mexico, and the leader of this so-called revolution was a Mexican bandit who's name was Pancho Villa. He was wanted by both the U.S. authorities and the Mexican Federalies.

One morning a detatchment of U.S. soldiers were out searching for Pancho Villa along the U.S./Mexican border when they came upon an old farmer who was riding his donkey to the nearby markets. They stopped the old man and they asked him if he had seen Pancho Villa. And this is what the old farmer had said to them;

"Si, Senores. Yesterday I was riding my donkey to the markets when I was confronted by this fierce looking hombre who was riding a white stallion. He pulled his gun out and he ordered me to get off my donkey. What could I do, Senores? He had a gun on me. So I got off my donkey. He then ordered me to get down and eat donkey poop. What could I do, Senores? He had a gun on me. So I got down and and I ate it. By this time he was laughing so hard that he dropped his gun, I grabbed it and I ordered him to get off his horse. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got off his horse. I then ordered him to get down and eat horse ockey. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got down and he ate it."

"And you are asking me if I had seen Pancho Villa?! Well hell, yesterday we had lunch together!!!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

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Posted by edblysard on Thursday, November 9, 2006 2:27 PM

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Posted by Datafever on Sunday, November 12, 2006 1:18 AM
Real Life Tech Support Calls
 

Customer:  Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:  Hello... I can't print.
Tech support:  Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer:  Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:  A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer:  My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:  Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:  OK
Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:  Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support:  Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer:  I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.
===============
Tech support:  What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer:   I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support:  OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:  What do you mean?
Tech support:  "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:  I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by JSGreen on Sunday, November 12, 2006 10:24 AM
Classic Hits, revisited...

Some of those great artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new
lyrics to so that in the coming years the baby boomers will still be able to
"sing along": 
 
1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
   
2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
   
3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, She Was Havin' a Flash.
   
4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
   
5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
   
6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
   
7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
 
8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times - the Bathroom.
   
9 Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
   
10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade Of Hair.
   
11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
   
12. The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
   
13. Abba--- Denture Queen.
   
14. Tony Orlando---Knock 3 Times On the Ceiling If You Hear Me... Fall
   
15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore, Cuz Its Too Much To Ignore
   
16. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To, Cry If I
Want To
   
17. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
 
...I may have a one track mind, but at least it's not Narrow (gauge) Wink.....
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Posted by Datafever on Monday, November 13, 2006 1:13 AM
I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your e-mails over the past 12 months.

First I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
    a.. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    b.. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
    c.. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
    d.. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
    e.. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
    f.. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
    g.. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
    h.. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
    i.. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
    j.. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
    k.. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
    l.. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    m.. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
    n.. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
    o.. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
    p.. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
    q.. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
    r.. I no longer own a car, I sold it when I found that there will always someone leaving notes on it or waiting in the back seat to kill me.
    s.. Oil Companies will lower their prices if we all boycott gasoline for a day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next  70  minutes, your phone will ring at exactly 11:00 PM (EDT), informing you of a large dove with diarrhea that will land on your head tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician who is a Lawyer working at a Police Station somewhere.

Once again, Thank You
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 1:25 AM
Why, Why, Why

 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot"?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by dmoore74 on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 9:20 AM

Trunk Monkeys

Check out these ads for a car dealer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y

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Posted by Datafever on Thursday, November 16, 2006 1:08 AM
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says,
"I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed, his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question,
"Really? A new born babe?"

"Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, no hair, and I think I just wet my pants!!!"
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by edblysard on Thursday, November 16, 2006 7:24 AM
I am trying to get my 7 year old a monkey suit...
 dmoore74 wrote:

Trunk Monkeys

Check out these ads for a car dealer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y

23 17 46 11

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 16, 2006 10:11 AM

From a site (http://laughlab.co.uk/) that did actual joke research (why certain cultures found certain types of humor funny):

Just for fun, they had the LaughLab computer count the number of words in every joke that people submitted. According to the data, jokes containing one hundred and three words are the funniest. Interestingly, the winning ‘hunters’ joke is 102 words long – almost the perfect length for a joke!

Many of the jokes submitted contained reference to animals. We found that jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes. And so it’s official – ducks are the funniest comedy animals. Perhaps it’s because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck.

Our computers recorded the date and time that each person from the UK rated the jokes in LaughLab. Careful analysis of the data revealed that people found the jokes funniest on the 7th October at 6.03 in the evening. Perhaps we have scientifically discovered the funniest moment of the year.

==================================================================

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top joke in USA

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We also asked participants from the UK to tell us whether they were from Wales, Scotland, -England or Northern Ireland. Our data has revealed that the Welsh found the jokes funniest, followed by the English, then people from Northern Ireland and then the Scots.

Here are the top jokes from the regions.

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 16, 2006 10:30 AM
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 16, 2006 11:25 AM

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front Of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 16, 2006 12:01 PM

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

  • Member since
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  • From: Mt. Fuji
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Posted by Datafever on Friday, November 17, 2006 1:28 AM
The Folded Napkin

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie. He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome.

I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade. The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ"; the pairs of white shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks.

I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot. After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties.

Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table.

Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto a cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.

Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.

He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often had heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.

A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.

Frannie, headwaitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of the 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table. Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look.

He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked.

"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."

"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?" Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed:

"Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK" she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is."

Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do.

After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I didn't get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup." She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the    outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something For Stevie."

"Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this." She handed me another paper napkin that had "Something For Stevie" scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds.

Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "truckers."

That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called ten times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work, met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back.

Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting.

"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!" I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room. I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins.

"First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said. I tried to sound stern. Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.

Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it.

I turned to his mother "There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems."

"Happy Thanksgiving."

Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well. But you know what's funny?

While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired.
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
  • Member since
    September 2006
  • From: Mt. Fuji
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, November 18, 2006 5:35 PM
 
 
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof
that the human race is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a Sears hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping."
(but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special)?


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?


On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh..fly Delta?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?!)


"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 13,681 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Saturday, November 18, 2006 7:40 PM

My wife and I just ate at a fast-food joint that has its own cups for its soft drinks.  The warning is around the bottom of the cup: "This beverage may be cold--DUH!"

Just like that!

(That, and the view of the tracks, were the two redeeming features of the place.)

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,743 posts
Posted by vsmith on Monday, November 20, 2006 4:23 PM

 

 

   Have fun with your trains

  • Member since
    June 2001
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Posted by CShaveRR on Monday, November 20, 2006 6:20 PM
I found a little humor in the fact that if you click on the little red "x" you get a slightly larger red "X".

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    January 2001
  • From: MA
  • 562 posts
Posted by dmoore74 on Monday, November 20, 2006 8:33 PM
 vsmith wrote:

 

 

We've heard of blank verse.  Maybe this is blank humor.

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  • From: Northern New York
  • 25,023 posts
Posted by tree68 on Monday, November 20, 2006 10:44 PM
| | | | | | | / / / / / / __ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

(heh heh -- ain't that dumb?)

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    September 2006
  • From: Mt. Fuji
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Posted by Datafever on Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:54 AM
 tree68 wrote:
| | | | | | | / / / / / / __ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

(heh heh -- ain't that dumb?)


Laugh [(-D]  Laugh [(-D]  Laugh [(-D]

Maybe I'm just delirious, but I found your domino effect quite funny.  Maybe it was because the dominos were falling the wrong way.  The falling dominos should be falling into the standing ones.

| | | | | | | \ \ \ \ \ __ __ __ __ __ __
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
  • Member since
    September 2006
  • From: Mt. Fuji
  • 1,840 posts
Posted by Datafever on Tuesday, November 21, 2006 8:57 AM

Guy walks into a bar with his pet ant. He's spent years teaching the ant to sing "White Christmas", and has finally succeeded and can't wait to show his ant off.

He puts him on the bar and shows him to the bartender saying, "See that?"

The bartender squashes the ant with his towel, saying "Yeah, the pests are all over the place."

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."

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