A professor was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart-mouth student asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter subsided, the prof glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse -- you can use your other hand to write".
College Entrance Exam For Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d)Swedish (e) Agnostic5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
In 1905 there was a revolution of sorts taking place down in Mexico, and the leader of this so-called revolution was a Mexican bandit who's name was Pancho Villa. He was wanted by both the U.S. authorities and the Mexican Federalies.
One morning a detatchment of U.S. soldiers were out searching for Pancho Villa along the U.S./Mexican border when they came upon an old farmer who was riding his donkey to the nearby markets. They stopped the old man and they asked him if he had seen Pancho Villa. And this is what the old farmer had said to them;
"Si, Senores. Yesterday I was riding my donkey to the markets when I was confronted by this fierce looking hombre who was riding a white stallion. He pulled his gun out and he ordered me to get off my donkey. What could I do, Senores? He had a gun on me. So I got off my donkey. He then ordered me to get down and eat donkey poop. What could I do, Senores? He had a gun on me. So I got down and and I ate it. By this time he was laughing so hard that he dropped his gun, I grabbed it and I ordered him to get off his horse. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got off his horse. I then ordered him to get down and eat horse ockey. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got down and he ate it."
"And you are asking me if I had seen Pancho Villa?! Well hell, yesterday we had lunch together!!!"
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
23 17 46 11
Trunk Monkeys
Check out these ads for a car dealer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y
dmoore74 wrote: Trunk Monkeys Check out these ads for a car dealer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y
From a site (http://laughlab.co.uk/) that did actual joke research (why certain cultures found certain types of humor funny):
Just for fun, they had the LaughLab computer count the number of words in every joke that people submitted. According to the data, jokes containing one hundred and three words are the funniest. Interestingly, the winning ‘hunters’ joke is 102 words long – almost the perfect length for a joke!
Many of the jokes submitted contained reference to animals. We found that jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes. And so it’s official – ducks are the funniest comedy animals. Perhaps it’s because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck.
Our computers recorded the date and time that each person from the UK rated the jokes in LaughLab. Careful analysis of the data revealed that people found the jokes funniest on the 7th October at 6.03 in the evening. Perhaps we have scientifically discovered the funniest moment of the year.
==================================================================
Top joke in UKA woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in USAThe American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’ Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes. One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.” “Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.” However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in CanadaWhen NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in AustraliaThis woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in BelgiumWhy do ducks have webbed feet?To stamp out fires.Why do elephants have flat feet?To stamp out burning ducks.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in GermanyA general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We also asked participants from the UK to tell us whether they were from Wales, Scotland, -England or Northern Ireland. Our data has revealed that the Welsh found the jokes funniest, followed by the English, then people from Northern Ireland and then the Scots.Here are the top jokes from the regions.Top Joke in EnglandTwo weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top Joke in WalesA turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top Joke in ScotlandI want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top Joke in Northern IrelandA doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front Of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
My wife and I just ate at a fast-food joint that has its own cups for its soft drinks. The warning is around the bottom of the cup: "This beverage may be cold--DUH!"
Just like that!
(That, and the view of the tracks, were the two redeeming features of the place.)
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Have fun with your trains
vsmith wrote:
We've heard of blank verse. Maybe this is blank humor.
(heh heh -- ain't that dumb?)
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
tree68 wrote:| | | | | | | / / / / / / __ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work. (heh heh -- ain't that dumb?)
Guy walks into a bar with his pet ant. He's spent years teaching the ant to sing "White Christmas", and has finally succeeded and can't wait to show his ant off. He puts him on the bar and shows him to the bartender saying, "See that?" The bartender squashes the ant with his towel, saying "Yeah, the pests are all over the place."
Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.