Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Datafever]

[locomutt]

 

 

Murphy's Law - The Tech Version

* All great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

* Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

* All's well that ends.

* A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

* A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

* Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

* After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

 

 

[dmoore74]

 

 Sex Frogs

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
  
The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!  Comes with complete instructions."
  
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
  
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."


  The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.  As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does exactly what is specified:

  1.  Take a shower.
    
  2.  Splash on some nice perfume.

  3.  Slip into a very sexy nightie.
    
   4.  Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
    
  She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call  the pet store."
    
  So, the blonde calls the pet store.
    
  The man says, "I'll be right over."
    
  Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
    
  The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
    
  The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me!  I'm only going to show you how to do this one more  time ................."

[JSGreen]

Sounds like my kinda party!!!

 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it 's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots
of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of ea ch. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"  

[spokyone]

Two snowmen near the tracks when a tanker train went by. #1 asks #2, "Did they smell like carrots to you?"

[Datafever]

Back in the days when I was doing some contract work for a major government contractor in Binghamton, NY, the supervisor of the group that I was working with came in one Monday with the following story -

 I had quite a weekend.  It started out fairly normal, and after lunch on Saturday, I decided to change the oil on my wife's car.  I jacked up the front end, drained the oil, and removed the oil filter.  As I leaned against the car to install the new oil filter, the car rolled backward off the jack.  The car continued backward until the rear wheels were off the edge of the carport - a little over an inch drop to the ground.

Not having any other way to get the car back up on the carport, I got a rope and tied it between my wife's car and my car.  I was able to pull my wife's car back up onto the carport with no problem, but I could tell that the rope was slipping.  I dashed out of my car in an attempt to stop my wife's car from rolling back over the edge of the carport again.

Alas, I was too late.  Not only did her car roll backward off the carport, but it continued on down the hill until it hung up on some good sized saplings about 20 yards downhill.

I turned around just in time to see my car heading for the front door of the house across the street.  Aaacckkk!!!  Fortunately, as it hit the small berm, it took a sharp turn to the left.  We live at the end of a cul-de-sac, and before I could reach my car, it had travelled to the end of the street and taken its own downhill plunge, coming to rest about 35 yards downhill.

Neither car sustained any damage which I consider to be extremely fortunate as either one of them could have hit many a tree on the downhill adventure.  But you can imagine my chagrin as I had to explain to my wife why I needed to call a tow truck.

[zardoz]

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[zardoz]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding drugs inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?"

"Yep."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[JSGreen]

      DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

This one is for everyone who  ...a) has kids, b) had kids, c)  was a kid,

I was packing for  my  business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a  wonderful time playing  on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy,
look  at this," and stuck out two of  her fingers.

Trying  to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her  tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending  to  eat
them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was  standing  on
the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on  her face.

I  said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She  replied, "What happened to my  booger?"

[spokyone]

A priest was on the NYC subway when a grubby man with a brown sack, probably containing a cheap alcholic  beverage. He asked the priest, "What causes arthritis" The priest says, "Drinking, smoking pot and poor hygiene". The guy says, "OK" After a couple of minutes the priest apologizes for his outburst, explaining he had just had a tough day. Then"why do you ask, my son? The drunk says, "I just read in the paper that the Pope has arthritis"

[JSGreen]

Doctor Stories...

 

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
 
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I hear d her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
 
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
 
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
 
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
 
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
 
AND FINALLY!!!................
 
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name (I can see why!)

[zardoz]

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

[zardoz]

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[zardoz]

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[JSGreen]

Special Edition of The Night Before Christmas....For Lawyers!

 

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.

[zardoz]

A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.

The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"

The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."

The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"

The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups."

[zardoz]

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

* He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

* He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

[zardoz]

Mysterious Phrases Explained

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumour has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I quit.

[zardoz]

Top Ten Real Excerpts From Performance Evaluations

10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

[zardoz]

Everything You Need to Know ...

1.  You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

2.  Indecision is the key to flexibility.

3.  There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4.  Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6.  Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7.  The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8.  The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9.  Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

28. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

29. Never pass a snow plow on the right.

30. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

      Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

[zardoz]

Geek Speak

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves

Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity.  Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend.  Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.  Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again.  The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404: Someone who's clueless.  From the World Wide Web error  message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.  "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions.  Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

[zardoz]

Diet Rules For Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.  Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

[zardoz]

The Undeniable Truths Of The Workplace

* The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers.

* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.

* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.

* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.

* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?

* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.

* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.

* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.

* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.

* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.

* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.

* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.

* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.

* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.

* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.

* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.

* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.

* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.

* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.

* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.

* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.

* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.

* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.

[zardoz]

Does Santa Really Exist? A Mathematical Explanation

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4.The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space crafts reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!

[tree68]

How to keep a healthy level of Insanity

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.

2.  Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.

3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

4.  Put your garbage can on your desk and mark it "IN."

5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their coffee addiction, switch to espresso.

6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

7.  Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8.  Dont use any punctuation marks (actually that drives Forum members crazy now)

9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10.  Ask people what sex they are.  Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12.  Sing along at the opera.

13.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14.  Put mosquito netting around your work area.  Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16.  Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name:  "Rock Hard Kim."

17.  When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!  I won!  Third time this week!!!"

18.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19.  Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.....

 

20.  Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this...

[Datafever]

[locomutt]

 

 

Electric Trains

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

 

[miniwyo]

This young gunfighter walked into a saloon and asked a seasoned gunfighter for some pointers and the seasoned gunfighter says "Pull your holster down a little and try that." So the young gunfighter draws and shoots the bowtie off of the guy playing the piano. The seasonde gunfighter says "Wow, that was good, but this time, cut a little notch in your holster so you can getyour finger on the trigger faster." So the young guy does, he draws and shoots the cufflink off the guy playing the piano. The seasoned guy says" good, now, go get some grease and grease it up." So he goes an puts a little greas on the barrel, and the seasoned guy says, "No, you gotta grease the whole thing up because when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano hes gonna shove that gun up your....."

[Datafever]

[Datafever]