Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

Two very senior ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies. Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee, and I can't hear anything, but thank God I can still drive.

[zardoz]

Y'all might be a redneck if: You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."

Your junior prom had a day-care.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve .

Fewer than half of your cars run.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ***.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the heck are you looking at?"

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "

[zardoz]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.

[zardoz]

College Entrance Exam - Football Player Version - Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1.What language is spoken in France?

2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4.What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5.Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8.What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9.Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush:
Carter:
Clinton:

10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11.Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13.What are coat hangers used for?

14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16.Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18.Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.

Name:

-------------------------------------------------------

*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

[zardoz]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?" 

[rvos1979]

Seen on the tailgate of a Chevy S-10 pickup as I was driving around yesterday:

 

YES, this is my pickup truck, NO, I won't help you move!!

[Datafever]

Some anti-war bumper stickers -

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

Killing For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity

You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life

Which God Do You Kill For?

Who Would Jesus Torture?

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Already Against the Next War

[Datafever]

Some anti-Bush bumper stickers -

Bush. Like a Rock, only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not the President

Hey, Bush Supporter: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language (Buck Henry)

Bush: Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

[Datafever]

Some anti-government  bumper stickers -

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

Of Course, It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

[zardoz]

Datafever,
Those are great! 

But now I'm frustrated because my bumper isn't big enough for all of them!

[vsmith]

[tree68]

Datafever,
Those are great! 

But now I'm frustrated because my bumper isn't big enough for all of them!

Bumper?

[zardoz]

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[zardoz]

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."

[Datafever]

Words of wisdom -

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
 

[Datafever]

Something to ponder -

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
 

[Forty-two]

Hummm...I have the gift of gab, and it cost me plenty!  LOL

[zardoz]

Gee, I thought US drivers were bad....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdBFi5ug7gE

[Datafever]

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

[vsmith]

Tax time is near

Late-Night Jokes About Income Taxes and Tax Cuts

"Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney's getting a tax refund of $1.9 million. How do you get a $1.9 million refund when your salary is $205,000 a year? How does that work? ... Apparently, he's writing off the guns and ammo as business expenses." --Jay Leno

"While [President Bush] was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11." --Bill Maher

"Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means -- war with Syria." --Bill Maher

"President Bush says he's going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay." --David Letterman

"President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.'" --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn't work that way with back taxes?" -Jay Leno

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." -Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." -Jay Leno

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated." -Jay Leno

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards." -Jay Leno

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy." -Jay Leno

"At last night's debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said 'Hey, thanks for the new slogan.'" -Craig Kilborn

"Monday, April 15th, taxes are due. I just don't pay them. Yeah, this year Arthur Anderson did my taxes, I'm getting $6 billion back." -Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents." -Conan O'Brien

"If your accountant is Arthur Anderson ... today is the last day you could have your tax documents shredded by April 15th." -David Letterman

"I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension." -David Letterman

[Datafever]

One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

[miniwyo]

A Wyoming cowboy was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings"again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear....."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

[miniwyo]

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[JoeKoh]

overheard on paul harvey the other day...

did you hear the headline for the athiest in the paper? the headline in the obituary?

local athiest all dressed up and nowhere to go.

good day!

stay safe

joe

[Datafever]

Quote of the day:

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

[vsmith]

Guy walks into a bar, sees a another guy standing at the bar with a car's steering wheel attached to his crotch, he asks "whats with the steering wheel?"..."Oh! I just hate it, its driving me nuts!"

[vsmith]

Stupid Joke: The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

[vsmith]

Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.   Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

[vsmith]

Chris and John went duck hunting for the first time. They took decoys, shotguns, and camouflage hunting suits. Before they left,  a friend suggested that they bring a "dog to get the ducks."  They took his advice and off they went.

As noon time rolled around, the other hunters on the lake were heading back with boats filled with ducks, while Chris and John had not a single duck.

Chris asked "What do you think we're doing wrong?"

John replied "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough".

[vsmith]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started to discuss the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Then a third child brought the argument to a close...

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."