One day during practice, the percussion section was particularly rowdy.
Seeing this, the conductor spoke up. "Gentlemen! When a musician can't play an instrument, they give him two sticks, and make him a percussionist!"
Then, in a low whisper, one of the drummers murmered "....and when you can't do that, they take one stick away, and make you stand out front!"
Datafever wrote:Did you hear about the two cement mixers that fell in love?Now they have a little sidewalk running around the house.
Pour...really pour!
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Datafever wrote:One day during practice, the percussion section was particularly rowdy. Seeing this, the conductor spoke up. "Gentlemen! When a musician can't play an instrument, they give him two sticks, and make him a percussionist!" Then, in a low whisper, one of the drummers murmered "....and when you can't do that, they take one stick away, and make you stand out front!"
OMG LMAO!
That describes our drumline perfectly!
Mechanical Department "No no that's fine shove that 20 pound set all around the yard... those shoes aren't hell and a half to change..."
The Missabe Road: Safety First
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!"
He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Top Ten Signs You Work in the 00's
10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as "deliverables".
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making plans for Friday night.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix. And the number one sign you work in the 'Nineties:
1. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock (even if you work at home).
What's Your Business Sign?
1) MARKETINGYou are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.
2) SALESLaziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGYUnable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERINGOne of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTINGThe only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCESIronically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENTCatty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICEBright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.
10) CONSULTANTLacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEOYou are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
Looking for a job, or between jobs? Here are some interpretations of some words you will likely encounter in your career search:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
The language of Work
More Workplace Definitions
AssmosisThe process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.BlamestormingSitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.Seagull ManagerA manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, dumps over everything and then leaves.Salmon dayThe experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.Chainsaw consultantAn outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.CLMCareer Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)DilbertedTo be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."Flight RiskUsed to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.404Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."Percussive MaintenanceThe fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
On the subject of work...
Tools and their REAL uses DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou $hit...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by lawyer bikers. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel spokes. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. CUTOFF SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Lawyers excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Lawyers primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures, which is rarely. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons from DHL delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Dan
A day without sunshine is like... night.
Bumper sticker:
VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have film.
From a graveyard in Ribbesford, Worcestershire
The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife And the Devil sent him Anna
A headstone in Nova Scotia
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, aged 102. The Good Die Young
William Wilson Lambeth
Here Lieth W.W.Who never more will Trouble you, trouble you
Sir Christopher Wren's tombstone in St Paul's Cathedral
Si monumentum requiris, circumspice (if you seek my monument, look around me)
Thomas W Campbell, a travelling salesman. Burlington, Iowa.
My Trip is Ended. Send My Samples Home
The Gaelic words on the headstone of Spike Milligan, in Winchelsea, East Sussex. They were inscribed more than two years after his death
Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite (I told you I was ill)
In most large cemeteries, you will probably find an epitaph that goes something like this one found in Waynesville, North Carolina:
Effie Jean Robinson
1897-1922
Come blooming youths, as you pass by ,
And on these lines do cast an eye.
As you are now, so once was I;
As I am now, so must you be;
Prepare for death and follow me.
Which is not funny at all. But underneath, someone had added:
To follow you
I am not content,
How do I know
Which way you went.
Death in the West
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona
Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs
From a forty-four.
No Les
No Moore.
He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair
Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
Silver City, Nevada
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.
(May be in Cripple Creek, Colorado)
Toothless Nell (Alice Chambers)
Killed 1876 in a Dance Hall brawl.
Her last words: "Circumstances led me to this end."
Boot Hill Museum, Dodge City, Kansas
Here lies the body of Arkansas Jim.
We made the mistake, But the joke's on him.
Culver City
He called
Bill Smith
A Liar
Cripple Creek, CO
On the grave of a woman who died in 1984. Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her son, owner of Zeezo's Magic Castle in Colorado Springs, stated that his mother had been married to a Texan who is buried in Texas.
I would rather be here than in Texas.
James B. McCoy left a message on his 1899 tombstone proclaiming his independence from the United States Government.
Member Co. D 17th Iowa Inf. which mustered in 1165 men and mustered out 42. Participated in 19 battles and 3 sieges. Never Applied For A Pension. Salida, Colorado
On a hanged man
Rab McBeth
Who died for the want
of another breath.
1791-1823
Larne, Ireland - On a hanged sheep stealer
Here lies the body of
Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.
Bletchley, Bucks, England
Winterborn Steepleton Cemetery, Dorsetshire, England
Here lies the body
Of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels
And away she went.
Food was the topic of many epitaphs.
Here lies old Rastus Sominy
Died a-eating hominy
In 1859 anno domini
Savannah, Georgia
He got a fish-bone in his throat
and then he sang an angel note.
Schenectady, New York
She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin';
All empty stands her little chair:
She died of eatin' water-mellon.
In a New Jersey cemetery
Rebecca Freeland
1741
She drank good ale,
good punch and wine
And lived to the age of 99.
Merry Ol' England
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt.
Who died one morning just at ten
And saved a dinner by it.
Falkirk, England
1690
Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him - whichever gives the best dinners.
Here lies Johnny Cole.
Who died upon my soul
After eating a plentiful dinner.
While chewing his crust
He was turned into dust
With his crimes undigested - poor sinner.
In memory of Anna Hopewell
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:
She died of drinking too much coffee,
Anny Dominy -- eighteen-forty.
Roxbury, Connecticut
Eliza, Sorrowing
Rears This Marble Slab
To Her Dear John
Who Died of Eating Crab.
On a Farmer's Daughter, Letitia:
Grim Death
To Please His Palate
Has Taken My Lettice
To Put in His Sallat (salad).
Ipswich
On a grave digger:
Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall.
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all.
Robert Phillip, gravedigger:
Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here lie I because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
Here I lie as warm as they.
Kingsbridge, England
On a coroner who hung himself:
He lived
And died
By suicide
West Grimstead, Sussex, England
On Ezekiel Pease:
Pease is not here,
Only his pod
He shelled out his Peas
And went to his God
Nantucket, Massachusetts
On a Coal-miner
Gone Underground For Good
On an Architect:
Here lies Robert Trollope
Who made yon stones roll up.
When death took his soul up
His body filled this hole up.
On a lawyer in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer.
And that is Strange.
On an attorney:
Goembel
John E.
1867-1946
"The defense rests"
On a dentist:
Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
Edinburgh, Scotland
On a brewer:
G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.
In life he was both hale and stout.
Death brought him to his bitter bier.
Now in heaven he hops about.
On a Painter:
A Finished Artist
On an Auctioneer:
Jedediah Goodwin
Auctioneer
Born 1828
Going!
Going!!
Gone!!!
1876
On a fisherman:
Captain Thomas Coffin
Died 1842, age 50 years.
He's done a-catching cod
And gone to meet his God.
New Shoreham, Rhode Island
On a waiter:
Detlof Swenson.
Waiter.
God finally caught his eye.
April 10, 1902
On an Author:
He Has Written Finis
On a teacher:
Professor S. B. McCracken
School is out
Teacher
Has gone home.
Elkhart, Indiana
On John Yeast:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.
Ruidoso, New Mexico
On John Penny:
Reader if cash thou are
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
Wimborne, England
Epitaph on a huge boulder on the grave of a doctor:
William P. Rothwell, M.D.
1866-1939
This is on me. L
Oak Grove Cemetery, Pawtucket, Rhode Island
On a watchmaker:
Here lies in horizontal position the outside case of Dear George Routleight, watchmaker, whose abilities in that line were an honor to his profession -- integrity was the mainspring, and prudence the regulator of all the actions of his life. Humane, generous, and liberal, his hand never stopped until he had relieved distress. So nicely regulated were all his movements that he never went wrong, except when set agoing by people who did not know his key; even then he was easily set right again. He had the art of disposing his time so well that the hours glided away in one continued round of pleasure and delight, till an unlucky moment put a period to his existence. He departed this life November 14, 1802, aged fifty-seven. Wound up in hopes of being taken in hand by his Maker and being thoroughly cleansed, repaired, and set agoing in the world to come.
St Petrock's Church, Lyford, Devon, England
On a gardener:
To the Green Memory of
William Hawkings
Gardener:
Planted Here
With Love and Care
By His
Grieving Colleagues.
Davenport
On a housewife:
Mary Weary, Housewife
Dere Friends I am going
Where washing ain't done
Or cooking or sewing:
Don't mourn for me now
Or weep for me never:
For I go to do nothing
Forever and ever!
Belchertown
A few epitaphs are subtle and do not appear humorous until one thinks about them.
of John Round.
Lost at sea
and never found.
Belturbet, Ireland
Here lies Barnard Lightfoot
Who was accidentally killed
in the 45th year of his age.
This monument was erected
by his grateful family.
Thomas Vernon
The only surviving son of
Admiral Vernon
Plymouth, Mass.
Sacred to the memory of
Major James Brush
Royal Artillery, who was killed
by the accidental discharge of
a pistol by his orderly,
14th April 1831.
Well done, good and faithful servant.
Unmarried women called "Old Maids" or "spinsters" were another group that could be a source of humor.
1787 - Jones - 1855
Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;
For her death held no terrors.
She was born a maid and died a maid.
No hits, no runs, and no heirs.
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767
London, England
Beneath his silent stone is laid
A noisy, antiquated maid,
Who from her cradle talked to death,
And never before was out of breath.
Here lies, returned to clay
Miss Arabella Young,
Who on the eleventh day of May
Began to hold her tongue.
1794-1863
On a spinster postmistress:
Returned--Unopened
In a North Carolina cemetery
There just wasn't enough time for these individuals.
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.
Moultrie, Georgia
Here lies the body of Elred.
At least he will be when he is dead.
But now at this time he's still alive,
14th August '65.
Oxford, England. (Elred eventually made it.)
Owen Moore
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Battersea, London, England
This Empty Urn is
Sacred to the Memory
of John Revere
Who Died Abroad
in Finistere:
If He Had Lived
He Would Have Been
Buried Here.
Connemora
Death causing the end of a marriage apparently was a good time for the true feelings of the surviving spouse or family members to be etched on stone for all the world to see.
She lived with her husband for 50 years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.
Burlington, Vermont
Dear Sister
Here lies the body of Mary Ford.
We hope her soul is with the Lord.
But if for hell she's changed this life,
Better live there than as J. Ford's wife.
Sowersby
Grieve not for me my husband dear.
I am not dead but sleeping here.
With patience wait - perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I.
And the husband added:
I am not grieved, my dearest life.
Sleep on, I've got another wife.
Therefore, I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she.
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.
Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.
1796 -- WISE -- 1878
Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.
Safely tucked between his two wives.
One was Tillie and the other Sue.
Both were faithful, loyal, and true.
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.
Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada
My husband
John Barnes
Who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
In a Vermont cemetery
Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up then I'll lie still!
Barlinine Cemetery, Glasgow, Scotland
Elizabeth,
my wife for 47 years,
and this is the first damn thing
she ever done to oblige me.
Streatham Churchyard, England
They abounded in riches
But she wore the britches ...
Essex, England
On an adulterous husband:
Gone, but not forgiven
Atlanta, Georgia
I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.
Middlebury, Vermont
These kind of epitaphs make one wonder--
This stone was raised by Sara's Lord
Not Sara's virtues to record
For they are known to all the town.
This stone was raised to keep her down.
Kilmurry Churchyard, Ireland
Ezekiel Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia
Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For 16 years she kept her virginity
A damn'd long time for this vicinity.
Death Valley, California
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
A stone erected in memory of Brigham Young:
Brigham Young
Born on this spot 1801
A man of much courage and superb equipment.
Whitingham, Vermont
Some atheists claim to fame.
an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Thurmont, Maryland
Atheist Arthur Haine's epitaph:
Haine
haint
Vancouver, Washington
Personalities
Mary Lefavour
died 1797
aged 74 years
Reader pass on and ne'er waste your time
On bad biography and bitter rhyme.
For what I am this cumb'rous clay insures,
And what I was, is no affair of yours.
Topsfield, Massachusetts
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
of yours.
Stowe, Vermont
Jane Gordon
With mouth almighty
and teeth accordin!
Marblehead, Massachusetts
Cold is my bed, but oh, I love it,
For colder are my friends above it.
Calvary Cemetery, Chicago, Illinois
Here lies a man who while he lived
Was happy as a linnet.
He always lied while on the earth
And now he's lying in it.
On the four husbands of Ivy Saunders:
Here lies my husbands 1 - 2 - 3
As still as men could ever be.
As for the fourth: Praise be to God
He still abides above the sod:
Abel, Seth and Leidy were the first 3 names
and to make things tidy I'll add his - James.
Shutesbury
Suzannah Ensign;
Lord she is thin *
(* Should read "thine") Cooperstown, New York
On a miser who wanted to save money:
Thorp's Corpse.
When his wife died, the wording was changed to:
Here lieth Thorpses Corpses.
The dust of
Melantha Gribbling
Swept up at last
by the Great Housekeeper
Woodville, England
On a hypochondriac's grave:
See. I told you
I was SICK!
Littleton, Colorado
Surnames caused rhyming problems for the stonecutter.
Here beneath this pile of stones
Lies all thats left of Sally Jones.
Her name was Smith, not Jones,
But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.
Here lie the remains of
Thomas Woodhen.
The most amiable of husbands
And excellent of men.
His real name was Woodcock
But it wouldn't come in rhyme.
Dunoon, Scotland
Some epitaphs were meant to warn the living from committing the same mistake as the deceased.
Beneath this stone a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Dan'els
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels.
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
Uniontown, PA.
Reader, I've left this world, in which
I had a world to do;
Sweating and fretting to get rich:
Just such a fool as you.
Charleston, South Carolina
Ellen Shannon
age 26 years
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R. E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive
Burning Fluid."
Girard, Pennsylvania
Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car
was on the way down.
It was.
near Albany, New York
Julia Newton
Died of thin shoes,
April 17th, 1839,
age 19 years.
In a New Jersey cemetery.
Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
First a Cough
Carried Me Off
Then a Coffin
They Carried Me Off In
Boston, Massachusetts
Blown upward
out of sight:
He sought the leak
by candlelight
Wiltshire, England
Spelling is exactly as written on the tombstone
In memory of
Richard Fothergill
Who met vierlent death near this spot
18 hundred and 40 too.
He was shot by
his own pistill.
It was not one of the
new kind;
But an old fashioned brass barrell
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Near Sparta Diggings, California
On Joseph Crapp:
His foot is slipt
and he did fall.
"Help; Help" he cried
and that was all.
Mylor Churchyard, Cornwall, England
Dinah had a little can
'Twas filled with kerosine
And soon among the twinkling stars
Dynamite Benzine. *
(* Dinah might been seen)
Here lies old Aunt Hannah Proctor
Who purged but didn't call the Doctor:
She couldn't stay, She had to go
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Medway
More advertisements
Here Lies Jane Smith
Wife of Thomas Smith
Marble Cutter:
This Monument Erected
By Her Husband
As A Tribute
To Her Memory.
Monuments of this style
are 250 Dollars.
Annapolis
Sacred To The Remains of
Jonathan Thompson
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband.
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and best prices in town.
Harwichport
Effen Nyt
(translates into "Exactly Nothing." Put on stone by disappointed heirs) New Church, Amsterdam, Holland
Arthur C. Homan's epitaph:
Once I wasn't
Then I was
Now I ain't again.
Cleveland, Ohio
On babies graves:
Ope'd my eyes, took a peep;
Didn't like it, went to sleep.
It is so soon that I am done for
I wonder what I was begun for.
Lake Mills Cemetery, Wisconsin
Here lies Ned.
There is nothing more to be said--
Because we like to speak well of the dead.
I came into this world
Without my consent
And left in the same manner.
Chattanooga, Tennessee
Thomas Stagg's epitaph:
That is all
St. Giles Churchyard, London, England
Have fun with your trains
A man takes his boy to a hockey game--they have seats directly behind one of the goals. Unfortunately, there's plenty of action at this goal, because the goalie's having a very bad day--pucks shoot between his legs, past his stick, you name it. He's obviously frustrated, but doesn't say a word.
After the game is over, the man yells down at him, "Hey--I want to talk to you!"
He tells the goalie, "I know you were having a rough game, but I also noticed that you kept your cool through everything--no swearing, rude gestures, or anything. I'm glad my boy here didn't have to see or hear anything like that, so I'd like to take you out to dinner--right now."
The goalie, touched, said, "That's very nice of you. But You and your boy paid a lot of money for those seats, and my performance couldn't have satisfied you, because it didn't satisfy me. Yes, we can go to dinner, but I insist that it be my treat."
So, after the goalie showered and changed, the three of them went out of the stadium. They walked a short distance up the street to a nice restaurant, and went through the door in single file:
Father, son, and goalie host.
Carl: A tear almost got out of my eye _ _ . _
Disseminating other peoples' versions of intelligence...
In case there are any doubts that Americans are the most litigiouspeople in the world, here are the 2006 Stella award winners: STELLA AWARDSIt's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "StellaAwards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeckwho spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (inNew Mexico ). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the mostfrivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Hereare this year's winners: 5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. 5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a HondaAccord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at thewheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leavinga house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was notable to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house bec ause the doorconnecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. Thefamily was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in thegarage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and alarge bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claimingthe situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to thetune of $500,000.4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued theowner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from thebathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. Thisoccurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST...1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski ofOklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-footWinnebago motor home. On her first trip home (from an OU footballgame), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed, and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
In case there are any doubts that Americans are the most litigiouspeople in the world, here are the 2006 Stella award winners: STELLA AWARDSIt's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "StellaAwards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeckwho spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (inNew Mexico ). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the mostfrivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Hereare this year's winners: 5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. 5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a HondaAccord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at thewheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. 5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leavinga house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was notable to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house bec ause the doorconnecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. Thefamily was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in thegarage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and alarge bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claimingthe situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to thetune of $500,000.4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued theowner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from thebathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. Thisoccurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST...1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski ofOklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-footWinnebago motor home. On her first trip home (from an OU footballgame), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed, and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.
The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
Bogus....
Someone went to a lot of touble here, and they are amusing, but the TRUE stella awards are available HERE...
The TRUE Stella Awards -- 2006 Winnersby Randy CassinghamIssued 31 January 2007 Unlike the FAKE cases that have been highly circulated online for thelast several years (see http://www.StellaAwards.com/bogus.html fordetails), the following cases have been researched from public sourcesand are confirmed TRUE by the ONLY legitimate source for the StellaAwards: www.StellaAwards.com . To confirm this copy is legitimate, seehttp://www.StellaAwards.com/2006.html -v-2006 Runners-Up and Winner:#5: Marcy Meckler. While shopping at a mall, Meckler stepped outside and was "attacked" by a squirrel that lived among the trees and bushes. And "while frantically attempting to escape from the squirrel and detach it from her leg, [Meckler] fell and suffered severe injuries," her resulting lawsuit says. That's the mall's fault, the lawsuit claims, demanding in excess of $50,000, based on the mall's "failure to warn" her that squirrels live outside.#4: Ron and Kristie Simmons. The couple's 4-year-old son, Justin, was killed in a tragic lawnmower accident in a licensed daycare facility, and the death was clearly the result of negligence by the daycare providers. The providers were clearly deserving of being sued, yet when the Simmons's discovered the daycare only had $100,000 in insurance, they dropped the case against them and instead sued the manufacturer of the 16-year-old lawn mower because the mower didn't have a safety device that 1) had not been invented at the time of the mower's manufacture, and 2) no safety agency had even suggested needed to be invented. A sympathetic jury still awarded the family $2 million.#3: Robert Clymer. An FBI agent working a high-profile case in Las Vegas, Clymer allegedly created a disturbance, lost the magazine from his pistol, then crashed his pickup truck in a drunken stupor -- his blood-alcohol level was 0.306 percent, more than three times the legal limit for driving in Nevada. He pled guilty to drunk driving because, his lawyer explained, "With public officials, we expect them to own up to their mistakes and correct them." Yet Clymer had the gall to sue the manufacturer of his pickup truck, and the dealer he bought it from, because he "somehow lost consciousness" and the truck "somehow produced a heavy smoke that filled the passenger cab." Yep: the drunk- driving accident wasn't his fault, but the truck's fault. Just the kind of guy you want carrying a gun in the name of the law.#2: KinderStart.com. The specialty search engine says Google should be forced to include the KinderStart site in its listings, reveal how its "Page Rank" system works, and pay them lots of money because they're a competitor. They claim by not being ranked higher in Google, Google is somehow infringing KinderStart's Constitutional right to free speech. Even if by some stretch they were a competitor of Google, why in the world would they think it's Google's responsibility to help them succeed? And if Google's "review" of their site is negative, wouldn't a government court order forcing them to change it infringe on Google's Constitutional right to free speech?AND THE WINNER of the 2006 Stella Award: Allen Ray Heckard. Even though Heckard is 3 inches shorter, 25 pounds lighter, and 8 years older than former basketball star Michael Jordan, the Portland, Oregon, man says he looks a lot like Jordan, and is often confused for him -- and thus he deserves $52 million "for defamation and permanent injury" -- plus $364 million in "punitive damage for emotional pain and suffering", plus the SAME amount from Nike co-founder Phil Knight, for a grand total of $832 million. He dropped the suit after Nike's lawyers chatted with him, where they presumably explained how they'd counter- sue if he pressed on.Copyright 2007 www.StellaAwards.com . This message may be forwarded as long as it remains complete and unaltered.
The REAL crime with these awards ISNT the idiots who sued, it the fact that they find time and time again complete MORONS to fil the jury boxes with who issue these awards....Ugh!
Political Humor:
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."The man thanked him and again walked away . . .The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
New Age Stress Management
Here is a sure-fire technique to relieve the stress of daily life.
For any time you've had a rough night or day, here's a New Age stress management technique that really works: Picture yourself near a stream. No one but you knows your secret place.Birds are singing sweetly in the cool mountain air.You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world," The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. See, you're smiling already!
Datafever wrote:99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
While I don't believe this statement is entirely true, I will say that every profession has it's share of "Bad Apples", and it's no different with the legal profession. And it's a shame that attorneys in general have been given a black eye by the few bad apples in the profession. I have a long standing friendship with a couple of attorneys who are like brothers to me, and they are more or less responsible for having gotten me interested in trains.
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
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