"What are you so happy about?" asks the bartender
"I'll tell you," he replies. "You know, I liveby the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a youngwoman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went andcut her free and took her back to my place.
"Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! Wemade love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender . "You lucky guy. Was shepretty?"
"Dunno...never found the head."
Remember: In South Carolina, North is southeast of Due West... HIOAg /Bill
zardoz wrote:Trivia (part 1)No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half.
Trivia (part 1)No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half.
Actually the Mythbusters proved that a sufficiently large sheet of paper can in fact be folded in half more than 7 times. I believe the sheet they used was at least the size of a basketball court.
Mookie wrote:QUOTE: Originally posted by zardozWell, Mookie, I get up at 0400 CDT, and start work at 0500. But I usually have too much work to do for the first few hours. By the time I can do the web, its usually around 0900.SOME of us have actual work to do Hiss!!!!!!!!Gotcha' beat by 10 min - alarm goes off at 3:50 - at work by 5:30 - have an hour for forums, not nearly long enough usually. But I am off by 3 pm and turn off lights for night about 8:30 - asleep at 8:30.5 And you don't think writing the sensitive, thoughtful, insightful material I write for the forums isn't ACTUAL work.....Think about it!!!!! Indignant Mookie Ann
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardozWell, Mookie, I get up at 0400 CDT, and start work at 0500. But I usually have too much work to do for the first few hours. By the time I can do the web, its usually around 0900.SOME of us have actual work to do
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please GoghHis dizzy aunt,Verti GoghThe brother who ate prunes, Gotta GoghThe brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n GoghThe grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. GoghThe brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue GoghThe cousin from Illinois, Chica GoghHis magician uncle, Wherediddy GoghHis Mexican cousin, Amee GoghThe Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin GoghThe nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar GoghThe constipated uncle, Cant GoghThe ballroom dancing aunt, Tan GoghThe bird lover uncle, Flamin GoghHis nephew, psychoanalyst E. GoghThe fruit loving cousin, Man GoghAn aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto GoghThe little bouncy nephew, Poe GoghA sister who loved disco, Go GoghHis Italian uncle, Day GoghAnd his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh
His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.
A man is driving down the freeway with his two pet penguins when he gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. After the cop hands over the speeding ticket to the driver, he notices the 2 penguins. The cop informs the driver that he must take the penguins to the zoo. The driver agrees to do so.
Two months later, the same man is pulled over by the same cop for speeding. The cop notices the penguins again only now they are wearing sun glasses and eating ice cream.
The cop says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo."
The man responds, "I did take them to the zoo, now I'm taking them to the beach."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, & hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . .it makes your nose look too short!"Love, Grandma
So this penguin is driving down the road when his car starts knocking and kicking. He pulls into a service station, and after explaining the problem to the mechanic, he's told to come back in about an hour.
The penguin walks down the street a little ways and enters a 7-11. He reads the magazines for a while and then buys an ice cream sandwich. And of course, because he has flippers instead of hands he gets many drips of ice cream on his chest.
He walks back to the station and upon entering the garage and the mechanic seeing him, the mechanic says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal", to which the penguin responded, "Oh, no, that's just ice cream."
Penguin joke? OK
An Emporer penguin walks into a bar. He says "Has my dad been in here today?" Bartender says, " I don't know. What does he look like?"
FAMOUS (and real) LAST WORDS
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the h*** wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper, on his decision to not take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright.
Employee of the month.
If several Wealthy Lawyers Purchased a Short Line, What would it be Called?
The SUE Line!
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Hey Zardoz, I actually mostly agree with Duell. Not much has been invented, just redone or modernized. But anyway.
"This band will go down like a lead zeppelin" Keith Moon of The Who.
snagletooth wrote: I actually mostly agree with Duell. Not much has been invented, just redone or modernized. But anyway.
I actually mostly agree with Duell. Not much has been invented, just redone or modernized. But anyway.
spokyone wrote: snagletooth wrote: I actually mostly agree with Duell. Not much has been invented, just redone or modernized. But anyway. Here is a few.
There was the telgraph, then someone figured out how to transmit voices over the line. The phone. Then someon figured out how to send those voices through the air. The radio(we didn't invent radio waves,we discovered them). along comes the microchip(ahh, an invention!)and the phone becomes the cell phone. not a new invention.
Same with the computer, just because you plug in your typewritter doesn't make it an invention.
tractors were already in use, using steam.
Modernization is not invention was Duell's point. So what do we have? internal combustion engine, the microchip, and nuclear energy. Just about everything we have now, we had then. We just modernized them with those three basic inventions. Anyway, back to the jokes.
The Research Grant
A small rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. So, they wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the owner what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the owner of the diner. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
spokyone wrote: The Research GrantA small rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. So, they wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the owner what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the owner of the diner. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
Two thoughts:1. That's why the FRA came up with quiet zones, and2. There must be LOTS of trains in China!
Dan
spokyone wrote:The Research GrantA small rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. So, they wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the owner what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the owner of the diner. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
Brian (IA) http://blhanel.rrpicturearchives.net.
The Top 25 Signs That You've Grown Up:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up".
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again".
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "What the heck happened?"
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ***. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it too.
Thats an actual story, and you told it wrong....
Mechanical Department "No no that's fine shove that 20 pound set all around the yard... those shoes aren't hell and a half to change..."
The Missabe Road: Safety First
coborn35 wrote: spokyone wrote: The Research GrantA small rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. So, they wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the owner what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the owner of the diner. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."Thats an actual story, and you told it wrong....
Actually you're probably dealing with an urban myth. I've seen variations on this story starting 40 plus years ago when it appeared in Readers Digest and was supposedly placed in Long Island. Another variation had it up in Quebec where the locals referred to all of the children by the engineer's last name. Seems the engineer was unhappy being put on an early morning run and took his revenge by blowing every crossing at full blast with the same predictable results.
A farmer got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As h e was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's a-s-s?" The farmer says, "Oh no, of ficer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's a-s-s"
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."
This story was in Trains magazine, I believe, from Quebec. The story I read was the engineer hit a carload of teens one early morning. So after that, he would lay on the whistle from one end of town to the other, around 500-600 in the morning.
Mike WSOR engineer | HO scale since 1988 | Visit our club www.WCGandyDancers.com
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