Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[rrnut282]

Uh, E and H are in THE (first word).  F is for FOX.  Look again, they're in there.  I remember using this sentence (or something similar) in my high-school typing class.

[Murphy Siding]

Are you serious?  G is the last letter- doG.  They're all there.  If you're pulling our legs, I don't get it.

  I didn't get it either.  Then I realized it was a humor thread!  It made as much sense as some of the recent barn-burner threads.

[spokyone]

My nephew in Dallas rear ended a car at a traffic light. As he got out to look at the damages, he saw the other driver was a midget. The guy looked at his damaged car and said, " I'm not happy" My nephew said, " If you're not happy, then which one are you?"
   That's when the other driver kicked him in the shin.

[CNW 6000]

My nephew in Dallas rear ended a car at a traffic light. As he got out to look at the damages, he saw the other driver was a midget. The guy looked at his damaged car and said, " I'm not happy" My nephew said, " If you're not happy, then which one are you?"
   That's when the other driver kicked him in the shin.

[ChuckCobleigh]

Are you serious?  G is the last letter- doG.  They're all there.  If you're pulling our legs, I don't get it.

  I didn't get it either.  Then I realized it was a humor thread!  It made as much sense as some of the recent barn-burner threads.

Kind of like the old grammer school joke about the little boy asked to recite the alphabet before he could go to the bathroom, who replied, "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z." 

The teacher's question about where the missing letter was led to his reply, "Running down my leg, teacher."

[morseman]

the word typewriter can be written with only the top line of your keyboard

[morseman]

further to my previous post

The longest word in the english language with only one vowel is   STRENGTH

The only word in the english language that uses all vowels in their proper order is

FACETIOUSLY.

 

[CNW 6000]

We're off to see The Wizard!

 

Presidents Carter, Nixon, Bush Jr., and Clinton get caught up in a tornado
and are whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and go to find the Great Wizard

He asked "What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!" said the Wizard, "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said: "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done!" said the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,

"The American people say that I need a brain."

"No problem!" said the Wizard, "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do YOU want?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

 

[CNW 6000]

Friends:

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
But he's hidin' it there."
   
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next
day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's House.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
   
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana.
   
They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly afterward, the phone
rings at Virgil's house.
   
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff
come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

[spokyone]

A farmer got pulled over by a State Trooper
for speeding.  The trooper started to lecture
the farmer about his
speeding, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the
farmer feel uncomfortable.
 
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket. As h e was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head.
 
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle
flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said,
"Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
 
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common
on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always
found circling around the back end of a horse."
 
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. After a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call
me a horse's ***?"
 
The farmer says, "Oh no, of ficer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horse's< /SPAN> ***."

 

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing,"
and goes back to writing the ticket.
 
After a long pause, the farmer says,

"Hard to fool them flies though."

[Anonymous]

The longest common (i.e., likely to appear in an unabridged dictionary) word:
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Words which contain all five (or six, if you append "ly") vowels in alphabetical order:
"facetious", "abstemious", "annelidous", "arsenious".

Words which contain all five vowels in reverse alphabetical order:
"duoliteral", "subcontinental", "uncomplimentary".

Words which contain the longest strings of consonants:"bergschrund", "borschts", "eschscholtzia", "latchstring", "weltschmerz".

Longest word with no repeated letters: "uncopyrightable".

Sentence containing seven spellings of the [i] ("ee") sound:
"He believed Caesar could see people seizing the seas."

Longest words typeable on a qwerty keyboard with left hand: "desegregated", "desegregates", "reverberated", "reverberates", "stewardesses", "watercresses", "aftereffects", "decerebrated", "decerebrates", "extravastate", "gazetteerage", "reasseverate", "terracewards", and "tessaradecad", "aftercataract", "devertebrated", and "tesseradecade".

Longest word typeable on a qwerty keyboard with right hand: "homophony", "homophyly", "nonillion", "pollinium", "polyonomy", "polyphony", "hypophyllium", "miminypiminy", "phyllophyllin".

Longest words typeable on a qwerty keyboard with alternating hands: "dismantlement", "antiendowment", "antisudorific", "autotoxicosis", "neurotoxicity".

And now for one which will be of the most use:
Word describing the shape of the bubbles in beer foam: "orthotetrachidecahedrons".

[JSGreen]

Now, is there a word for people who have the patientce to figure these things out????

[Semper Vaporo]

Yes, but that kind of language is not welcome in public forum.

 

[snagletooth]

Now, is there a word for people who have the patientce to figure these things out????

Yeah, BORING!!!

[CNW 6000]

Hijacked from Fuzzy's forum oops, 3um:

(Original Poster Unknown)

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

11 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

5 more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 

6 to flame the spell checkers. 

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

5 to cite their experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

4 to post that this group is not about light bulbs; please take this dim discussion to a lightbulb/light bulb forum.

9 to defend the post: "We all use light bulbs; therefore the posts are relevant to this group."

7 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best & what brands are faulty.

1 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1348&start=15
http://www.lampsplus.com/htmls/track.asp

http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1348&start=16
http://www.louielighting.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lighting
http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1311&start=10

http://www.electricskies.com.au/
http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1192&start=13

1 to note some URLs were fuzzy; re-cycling said enlightened URLs saved energy. 

3 to post links to URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

2 to ask about the inherent "GE lamps in an EMD Loco" controversy.

4 to suggest "Try a #$&^*^$ Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs!" 

3 to relate a funny story about their short cat and a light bulb.

1 company photographer posting a photo of a randy squirrel doing unnatural things to a lightbulb. 

5 to vote for said squirrel as ENLIGHTENER of the week!

AND

One group newbie to unearth to the thread 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Anonymous]

Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework, so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school -- you'll have to do it in your head."

The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting, Charlie announces "Eleven!"

[Anonymous]

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second...

[Anonymous]

A Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [e-mail] -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

[zardoz]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[zardoz]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you morons who want to get off, get the heck off now, because this is the last stop! All of you idiots that are getting on, get your butts in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are upset with the two hour delay , please see the grouch in the kitchen."

[zardoz]

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

[zardoz]

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

[zardoz]

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

 

No offense intended, Ms. Mook

[Tharmeni]

 

Mookie won't bring herself to mention Ronald Reagan, but I will in relating this quote from our late, former president:

"I have always wondered what would have happened if Moses had to run the 10 Commandents past Congress..."

[zardoz]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[zardoz]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. cashtration : the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an ______.

3. intaxication: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. bozone: the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. hipatitis: terminal coolness.

11. osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. 

12. karmageddon: it's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. decafalon: the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. glibido: all talk and no action.

15. dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. arachnoleptic fit: the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. beelzebug: Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. caterpallor: the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[CNW 6000]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both 
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping 
room on a transcontinental train. 
  
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were 
both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in 
the lower. 
  
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman 
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to 
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 
  
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's 
pretend that we' re married". 
  
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he 
exclaimed. 
  
"Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket!" 
  
After a moment of silence, he farted. 

[zardoz]

Are you right-brain dominant or left-brain?

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html

 

[spokyone]

Are you right-brain dominant or left-brain?

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html

 

Czech this out. I saw ccw with left eye and cw with right eye.

[spokyone]

And on a lighter note:  Michael Vick was sentenced to 3 years today.

.....

.....

 

 .....

.....

 

.......

He will serve his term playing for the St. Louis Rams