Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[vsmith]

OT/NT Just for fun, perhaps the greatest short film ever made.

The Crimson Permanent Assurance, sailing the high seas of international finance!

Perhaps the best parody of classic pirate movies ever filmed...

part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX61PUZ3xkI
part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iakR7sB0skw

In two parts for lenth

Terry Gilliam made this as part of "Meaning of Life", one can see Gilliams truely twisted sense of reality in this film. I cannot help but laugh almost uncontrollably whenever I see it. 

Look in the film for Micheal Palin and Terry Gilliam as window washers as well as Max Headroom's Matt Frewer (sp?) as an executive.

[dmoore74]

The Cat

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.

> We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered

> our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

> 

>We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

>and we opened the front door to leave the house.

> 

>The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't

>want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

> 

>My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The

>cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife

>doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the

>night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

> 

>"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

> 

>A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I

>said, as we drove away. "That stupid female dog was hiding under the bed. I

>had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to

>take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a

>blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat

>*** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

> 

>The cab driver hit a parked car!

[Lord Atmo]

-                    what  do  you  call  10  republicans tied  to  the  botom  of  the  ocean  -  A  GOOD  START

fixed

[arkansasrailfan]

MNA- May nothing arrive

EMD-Eternal Mechanical Difficulties

EOCK-End Of Caboose Killer

[zardoz]

A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
     He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
     Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"
     Still nothing... and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing, and smoking too!!!"
     Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said... "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

[zardoz]

Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first known female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist. The woman, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrak's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide.

     Anthropologists having discovered a living female railfan, apparently the first ever, Cherry Allen, 21. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake. Extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual genetic female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Allen was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950.

She is also tall, slender and very attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Allen enjoys watching sports on TV and building super-detailed O Scale locomotives. In a recent interview, this blue-eyed blond from the sunny beaches of Las Vegas confessed she is "still looking for that special someone." Who is her ideal man? "Well," she said, "A guy who loves spending afternoons lounging in the hot tub and reading old issues of Trains magazine."

     The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly pretty small chance, but still..."

[zardoz]

Up in the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever by the name of Conductor. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him.
     
"Good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit.

The next year they came back. "Conductor got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day," said the mountaineer. Again they agreed, and two days later came back with the limit.
     
The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Conductor, even it cost $100.00 a day.
     
"You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00."
     
"But we don't understand, what happened to him?" asked the group. "Well, a crew from that there Dallas come up and rented him. One of those idiots called him Engineer, and since then he's just been sittin' on his rear end barkin' ever since!!!"

[zardoz]

Q: How many railfans does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Three. One to change it, one to write its number down, and one to take pictures.

[zardoz]

Two small-town men were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference for work.
     There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, both men staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
     When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he asked.
     "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[zardoz]

Q. In what kind of railroad car would you expect to find:

1. A rabbit
2. Othello
3. A deflated tire
4. An armored vehicle
5. Marijuana
6. A broker
7. Vince Lombardi
8. A chiropractor
9. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolf, and Olive

A. Answers

1. Hopper car
2. Gondola
3. Flat car
4. Tank car
5. Reefer
6. Stock car
7. Coach
8. Spine car
9. Tende(e)r

 

[zardoz]

Top Ten Reasons You Know You Just Bid In The Wrong Yard Job

10. The Yardmaster radios your Foreman telling him to be sure and pull the Rips, the Foreman replies: "Only if you come down here and pull my finger first!"

9. The Foreman and the Engineer are both from Alabama, after work they invite you to come on up for a little "Snipe Hunting."

8. The Engineer is wearing a "Talledega 500" T-shirt and muttering to himself, "No brake, only RUN 8."

7. You beg the Yardmaster to let you spot the Slaughter House, because the smell on the pit helps masks your Foreman's cologne.

6. The Yardmaster on duty used to be a clerk.

5. The Foreman on the job is actually a 'Planner' that just got bumped.

4. You just learned that the Foreman and Engineer have loaded up with over $5,000 worth of job insurance and they announce: "It's time for some Kamikaze Switching!"

3. Your helper shows up for work with an umbrella instead of a rain suit.

2. Your Engineer insists on loosening his suspenders, taking off his shoes, and eating a whole fried chicken before moving the locomotive.

1. Your boots have been on the railroad longer than the new Trainmaster.

 

[Clutch Cargo]

A Harp Seal walks  into a bar in St Johns Nfld.

Bartender   "what`ll you have"?

Harp Seal  "Anything but a Canadian Club".

 

I`ll go to my room now. :-) 

[CNW 6000]

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty
years."  
 
The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"  
 
So God agreed. 
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:  
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this,
I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  
 
The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog
did?"  
 
And God agreed. 
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said:  
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  
 
The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'" 
 
And God agreed again. 
 
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll
give you twenty years."  
 
But the human said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"  
 
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  
 
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play
and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone. 
 
Life has now been explained to you.

[CShaveRR]

True story, from my cousin:

Her daughter is pregnant with their second grandchild.  Son-in-law, known for having a wacky sense of humor, is also a doctor.  They had an ultrasound done on the fetus.  Son-in-low points out the umbilical cord, and says, "WOW! That's my boy--look at the size of that thing!"

The ultrasound technician, who's probably heard this a hundred times before, coldly remarks that that is in fact the umbilical cord, and that it's too early to conclusively determine the gender anyway.

Whereupon cousin's daughter says, "I know it's a girl--I could see the brain!"

[vsmith]

Insert your own joke.

[CNW 6000]

That's just...wow...

[Blue Flamer]

A Harp Seal walks  into a bar in St Johns Nfld.

Bartender   "what`ll you have"?

Harp Seal  "Anything but a Canadian Club".

 

I`ll go to my room now. :-) 

Now that's funny. But you may have to be a Canuck to get it.

Blue Flamer. 

[Blue Flamer]

A good old Canadian joke.

 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they had never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load".

 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again  and continues down the street.

 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down his window again. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!".

 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of his truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

 

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Calgary and I'm driving the    SALT TRUCK!"

 

 

Blue Flamer.

[morseman]

In Edmonton, Alberta, Canada  last week there was a terrific snow storm and visibility was very poor.    This was the third day of the storm,    The mother had run out of formula and only a few diapers on hand.      She phoned her husband who was out of town.    "Don't worry, get in the car and soon as a snow plow passes by just follow it".     Sure enough, half an hour later she was following a snow plow through the blinding storm,     Half an hour later, still following the plow.      The truck stopped and the snowplow driver got out and asked, "Why are you following me?"     Well the lady replied,   "My husband said if the driving was bad I was to follow a snowplow.     "Well, thats ok then," he said "I've just finished clearing the Home Depot parking lot, and now I'm off to clear Clairridge University lot,  Then off to clear Montrose Hospital lot & you're welcome to follow me."

[arkansasrailfan]

A blonde, a redhead, and burnette are stuck in heaven. An angel says,"jump off the bridge and wish to be something so you can live."

the readhead jumps and says"owl"

the brunette jumps and says"fish"

but the blonde jumps and forgets to wish and says"Oh crap!"

GE-general evil

ALco-Alco lost and conkered out.

EMD-eternal mechanical difficulty

Illinois Central and Union Pacific- IC&UP

[dmoore74]

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. 
You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a 
contribution to this great man's legacy.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to 
find).

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you 
to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete 
with shooting gallery.

Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can 
buy (or just steal) an election

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite 
Republican Senators.

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 
scale model of the President's ego.

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an 
electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the 
individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

[zardoz]

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. 
You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a 
contribution to this great man's legacy.

[arkansasrailfan]

A little quote from Mythbusters, Hindenburg mystery. "next on Discovery: the worlds deadliest pinata, which refers to the superdope, hydrogen filled blimp they had, plus two others, one like the real one, and one with out hydrogen. of course, they all burned up .
A little pet diary humor (not created by me- I DIDNT MAKE IT)
DOG DIARY:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite th ing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on t he bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with
Bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while
The other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless
Must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The on ly thing
that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today
I decapitated a mouse and
dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable
of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a
'good little hunter' I am. Morons!(edit cuss word-replace with other word)
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
Was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn
what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving
around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again to morrow --
but
at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -
And seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

[tree68]

I think it was Dick Van *** who did a routine about cats and dogs.  I don't have it in my collection, and can't remember the whole thing, but a couple of highlights:

Dogs - When caught misbehaving and punished, spend the next several days contritely sidling around the edges of rooms, with an "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" look.

Cats - When caught on the table after Thanksgiving dinner, getting into the turkey, grab a couple more quick bites and flee just before you get to the table to swat them.

[vsmith]

Thomas the Tank Engine meets The Young Ones 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd_2xz-lEdE

These vids are just plain twisted, soundtrack is from "The Young Ones" but video is from "Thomas"

Check out the other vids as well, these are hilarious!  8)

[tree68]

A true story from a number of years ago.  Names changed because I don't remember who they were.  West coast, though.

Two rival colleges (Podunk and State) had a football game coming up.  Several State students travel to Podunk U, and in the guise of reporters, interview the director of the card section - the place where they hold up cards to make designs and stuff.  The director proudly tells them about it, and even shows them some of the materials for the upcoming big game - instruction sheets, etc, for the students who will hold the cards.

That evening the "reporters" return to the office and purloin the file with the instructions.  Working feverishly, they revise the sheets and have the files back in place by the next morning.

On the day of the big game the director of the card section calls for the first display - a big Podunk "P".  The crowd erupts when an "S" appears instead.  Frustrated and confused, the director calls for the next pattern instead, a representation of Podunk's proud Prairie Dog.  The State crowd cheers as their lion mascot appears. 

Hoping for the best, the director calls for one more try - this time "GO DOGS."  Instead, "GO LIONS" appears.  The card section collapses in disarray, not to be heard from again during the game...

 

[JSGreen]

A true story from a number of years ago.  Names changed because I don't remember who they were.  West coast, though.

Two rival colleges (Podunk and State) had a football game coming up.  Several State students travel to Podunk U, and in the guise of reporters, interview the director of the card section - the place where they hold up cards to make designs and stuff.  The director proudly tells them about it, and even shows them some of the materials for the upcoming big game - instruction sheets, etc, for the students who will hold the cards.

That evening the "reporters" return to the office and purloin the file with the instructions.  Working feverishly, they revise the sheets and have the files back in place by the next morning.

On the day of the big game the director of the card section calls for the first display - a big Podunk "P".  The crowd erupts when an "S" appears instead.  Frustrated and confused, the director calls for the next pattern instead, a representation of Podunk's proud Prairie Dog.  The State crowd cheers as their lion mascot appears. 

Hoping for the best, the director calls for one more try - this time "GO DOGS."  Instead, "GO LIONS" appears.  The card section collapses in disarray, not to be heard from again during the game...

 

 I seem to remember Cal Poly at San Luis Opbispo was the guilty party...dont recall who the victum was.  

[lonewoof]

True story -- related by a lady I used to work with:

When she was pregnant, they had an ultrasound test done, so they knew the baby was a girl. The husband was in the delivery room; when the baby came out, the husband (who is something of a wise guy) exclaimed "But doctor, he doesn't have a talleywhacker!" The doctor had apparently heard this kind of humor before, and immediately responded "No, but if you wait about 18 years, that will be a good place to put one!"

 

 

[ChuckCobleigh]

A true story from a number of years ago.  Names changed because I don't remember who they were.  West coast, though.

Two rival colleges (Podunk and State) had a football game coming up.  Several State students travel to Podunk U, and in the guise of reporters, interview the director of the card section - the place where they hold up cards to make designs and stuff.  The director proudly tells them about it, and even shows them some of the materials for the upcoming big game - instruction sheets, etc, for the students who will hold the cards.

That evening the "reporters" return to the office and purloin the file with the instructions.  Working feverishly, they revise the sheets and have the files back in place by the next morning.

On the day of the big game the director of the card section calls for the first display - a big Podunk "P".  The crowd erupts when an "S" appears instead.  Frustrated and confused, the director calls for the next pattern instead, a representation of Podunk's proud Prairie Dog.  The State crowd cheers as their lion mascot appears. 

Hoping for the best, the director calls for one more try - this time "GO DOGS."  Instead, "GO LIONS" appears.  The card section collapses in disarray, not to be heard from again during the game...

 

 I seem to remember Cal Poly at San Luis Opbispo was the guilty party...dont recall who the victum was.  

Actually, the perps were Cal Tech students and the venue was the 1961 Rose Bowl.  

The story is told on the Cal Tech web site.  Basically, they swapped the instruction sheets in the University of Washington card sections so that the Washington Huskie morphed into a beaver and the finale spelled out "CAL TECH" in block letters.

Nothing like bright kids with nothing better to do over Christmas break. 

[arkansasrailfan]

... the husband (who is something of a wise guy) exclaimed "But doctor, he doesn't have a talleywhacker!... "

 

 

what is that? I really laugh at that humor.
More pet humor from the internet.
If you want someone who will eat whatever
You put in front of him and never says its
Not quite as good as his mother made it
If you want someone always willing to go
Out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never
Touch the remote, doesn't care about
Football, and can sit next to you as
You watch romantic movies
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content
To get up on your bed just to warm
Your feet and whom you can push off
If he snores .
Then buy a dog
If you want someone who never
Criticizes what you do, doesn't
Care if you are pretty or ugly, fat
Or thin, young or old, who acts as
If every word you say is especi ally
Worthy of listening to, and loves
You unconditionally, perpetually
Then buy a dog
But, on the other hand, if you want
Someone who will never come when
You call, ignores you totally when
You come home, leaves hair all over
The place, walks all over you, runs
Around all night and only comes home
To eat and sleep, and acts as if your
Entire existence is solely to ensure
His happiness
Then buy a cat!