Father Norton woke up one beautiful Sunday morning and decided that it was a perfect day for golf, so he told the Pastor he was sick and asked him to say mass for him. The Pastor agreed and just as mass was beginning, Father Norton snuck off to the golf course, where he had the whole course to himself because all of his parishioners were in church.
While this was happening, St. Peter and God were looking down from heaven. St. Peter said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you? Playing golf while everyone else is in church?" God said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit his first tee shot. It was an incredible drive that landed right on the green, took 2 bounces and 'plunk' - landed right in the hole. A 420 yard hole-in-one!
St. Peter was astonished. He turned to God and said, "Why did you let him do that?" God smiled and said, "Who's he gonna tell?!"
A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft and a lawyer for the gator".
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
A Dominican monk and a Franciscan monk got to arguing about which order God liked better. Said one to the other, "We're getting nowhere arguing about the subject. We're spiritual men; let's pray individually for guidance and awakening."
So they each went down on their knees and prayed.
After a few minutes one said to the other, "Anything come to you?"
"No, oh well," came the answer and both monks got to their feet.
Just then a little slip of paper fell down from the heavens.
It contained a short note: "My dear children of faith, I love you both equally."
It was signed, "God Almighty, S.J."
al-in-chgo wrote: It was signed, "God Almighty, S.J."
I've got a suspicion of what that means, but I'm not sure- explanation for us Protestants, please?
Brian (IA) http://blhanel.rrpicturearchives.net.
blhanel wrote: al-in-chgo wrote: It was signed, "God Almighty, S.J." I've got a suspicion of what that means, but I'm not sure- explanation for us Protestants, please?
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
This thread was 10 pages back. My sister sent me this after her Amtrak episode last night.
Once upon a time...
One day, long, long ago...there lived a woman who did NOT Whine, female dog, or Nag.
But this was a long time ago...
and it was just that one day.
The End
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!
Isn't that the French national anthem?
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk bout other people.
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?
30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
As I write this, this thread has 99,946 views. Who's going to be the lucky 100,000 viewer? I wonder if the thread will get a gold star or something.
Well, I gotta go now and re-view this thread another 53 times tonite.
I know this wasn't my funniest post, but I just felt that I had to point this out.
How does a body go about printing some of these posts? Some of these are real works of art.
Dick
Texas Chief
blhanel wrote:You can move your cursor over the text to be copied while holding down the select button, which highlights the text. Then, press Ctrl-C to copy it. Open up a text editor such as Windows Notepad or Microsoft Word, and press Ctrl-V. Voila!
Breaking News
dmoore74 wrote: Breaking News Breaking News: CNN reports that gas stations will start showing "porn" movies on the screens at the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time you do!!
Does that mean that "getting hosed" will have two different meanings?? - al
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
http://www.trainboard.com/railimages/showgallery.php/cat/500/ppuser/4309
A woman tells her man, "you better take me out someplace expensive". So he takes her to the gas station.
A video of Darwin Award recipients. Nothing political, nothing about people getting hit by trains (although there are a few cool train vids). Just some fine examples of behavior which might cause one to wonder how the genes for such stupidity survive to be passed along.
Many humorous moments. http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=31364
Tom
COAST LINE FOREVER
It is better to dwell in the corner of a roof than to share a house with a contentious woman! (Solomon)
A contentious woman is like a constant dripping! (Solomon)
NEW AIRLINE RULES Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket? Passenger: Sure. Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please! Passenger: What for? Attendant: For telling you where to sit. Passenger: But I already knew where to sit. Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy. Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it. Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not? Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this. Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you? Passenger: That would be swell, thanks. Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please. Passenger: What? Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee. Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it. Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10. Passenger: No way! Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that. Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me? Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee. Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this. Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you? Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it? Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes. Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air? Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents. Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar? Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go! Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar. Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents. Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this? Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
How to load a passenger train to capacity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODpjm1SzMl4
zardoz wrote:Well, Mookie, I get up at 0400 CDT, and start work at 0500. But I usually have too much work to do for the first few hours. By the time I can do the web, its usually around 0900.SOME of us have actual work to do
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the SECOND mouse who gets the cheese.
Dave
Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow
trainfan1221 wrote: blhanel wrote:You can move your cursor over the text to be copied while holding down the select button, which highlights the text. Then, press Ctrl-C to copy it. Open up a text editor such as Windows Notepad or Microsoft Word, and press Ctrl-V. Voila!Hey that was funny! Oh, wait.. that wasn't a joke? Sorry.
On the contrary, it may have been a joke since it didn't work for me.
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