Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.
St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fool around?"
A WEEK AT THE GYM (One woman's story)
Dear Diary,
For my 50th birthday my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Joe. He's a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The gym encourages clients to keep a diary to chart how well we're progressing. This will be great!
MONDAYStarted my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the gym to find Joe waiting for me. He's something of a Greek god-blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling smile.
Woo Hoo!
Joe gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was so fast already. I attributed it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he led his aerobics class after my session with him today. Very inspiring! Joey was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already hurting from holding it the whole time when he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAYI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Joe made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he put weights on it! My legs were a bit wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!
It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAYThe only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the parking lot. Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other people working out in the gym.
His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is very annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Joe put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine that simulates an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Joe told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other "motivational" crap too.
THURSDAYJoe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late! It took me that long to tie my shoes.
Joe took me to work out with dumbbells. When he wasn't looking I ran and hid in the bathroom. He sent Muffy to find me. Then, as punishment he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.
FRIDAYI hate that jerk, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Joe wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! Also, if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything heavier than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAYJoe left me a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAYI'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband chooses a gift that's more fun...like a root canal!
Dan
My little sister told me this one a while ago. It's still one of my favorites.
An immigrant who knew no English came to the United States. He was eager to learn the language, so he figures if he visits different places around town, he will pick up the language easily.
He first walks into a music school ,where he learns to sing, "Mimimimimimi!"
The immigrant next walks into a restaurant, where he learns to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!"
He finally walks into a candy store, where he learns to say, "Goody, goody, gumdrops!"
As the immigrant walked to the next store, he came across a freshly mutilated dead body. A police officer arrived on the scene and even this grizzly old veteran was shocked.He said, "Of all my years on the force, I've never seen any murder as bad as this!" He then turned to the immigrant standing nearby and asked, "Who could have done something like this?"
The immigrant had no idea what he was saying, but he wanted to show off his newfound English skills to the nice officer. So he sang "Mimimimimimi!"
The officer was horrified. "How could you do such a thing?!"
"Forks and knives, forks and knives."
"That's it! I'm placing you under arrest!"
"Goody, goody, gumdrops!"
Differences Between Man and Women
Names
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Future
A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.
Perks Of Being Over The Hill
A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.
Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.
"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.
"Sure," he replied.
"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.
"No, I can remember that," he said.
"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.
"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.
"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.
"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.
Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"
Rene Descartes sits down for a meal at a Parisian restaurant. The waiter asks for his order and he orders a hamburger.
The waiter asks, "Would you like fries with that?"
Descartes says, "I think not," and instantly disappears.
==================================================================
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"How much for the beer?" the neutron asks the bartender.
"For you?" replies the bartender,"no charge."
A hydrogen atom is walking down the street with a friend when he suddenly stops.
The friend says, "What's wrong?"
The hydrogen atom replys, "I lost my electron!"
The friend says, "Are you sure?"
The hydrogen atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive."
The friend laments, "Oh, I thought you were just being negative again."
A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torchesmasterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
Ticket Training
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.
They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.
When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."
Made Where?
John started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license, please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please? Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bagsin the trunk, if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backsaway to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police carscircle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping hishalf-drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem, sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that youhave stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of the car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but the empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out aclutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officerstold me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that youmurdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!Moral:Don't Mess With Old Ladies!
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
HOW TO TELL AN IDIOT HE IS AN IDIOT
1."Go look in the mirror and you will see him."
2.Tape his stupid actions and post them on youtube
3.Or you can go, "Dee dee dee!"
A few minutes before church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front off the church
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in the pew without moving seemingly unaware of the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the elderly man and said, 'do you know who I am'?
The man replied "Yep,sure do.'
"Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope sure ain't.' said the man.'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute.' returned the old man in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
"Yep,' was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
"Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed. Satan asked, Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
THE GOOD HUSBAND
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of wateron the side table.. And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him and that its all cleaned and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'.
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
"Well you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So why is everything in such perfect order and and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'.
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, leave me alone, I'm married!!'.
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time;
PRICELESS
Not sure if this was on here or not...but it's good!
7 Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!! " The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware" SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.
Subject: A cowboy named Bubba
A cowboy named Bubba was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, " Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about what you are getting involved in.
This is a herd of sheep......now give me back my dog.
Outsourcing the President
Washington, DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President
of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March
28, 2008 .
The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 7 years.
It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the
President's term.
'We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,'
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).
'We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level
of cash outlay,' Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this
morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Tel eservices, Mumbai , India will assume the
office of President as of March 21, 2008 . Mr. Singh was born in the
United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara
Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a
salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff.
Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working
primarily at night.
'Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer
call center,' stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. 'I am excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President. '
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the
issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. 'We know these scripting tools work,' stated the
spokesperson.
'President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result
that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.'
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he
will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower,
Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job
transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in
securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience
during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested.
dmoore74 wrote: Outsourcing the President
I love it! Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.
Smart Ahmed
Old Mustafa has been living in New York for 40 years. He wants to plant potatoes in his garden but he is old and alone and his son lives in Irak. He writes an email to his son: 'Dear Ahmed. I am very sad because I can not plant potatoes in my garden. I know for sure that you would have helped me turn the sods if you were here. I love you. Your father.' The son immediately emails back: 'Dear father. Please don't touch anything in the garden! I have hidden "the stuff" there. Love you too. Ahmed.' Not even 2 hours later Homeland Security, the US Army, the Marines, FBI and CIA are in front of the house. They turn every square inch of the garden upside down but find nothing. Disappointed they go home. The same evening the old man gets an email from his son: 'Dear father. Most probably your garden has now been completely dug up and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from this distance. I love you. Ahmed.'
greetings,
Marc Immeker
zardoz wrote: dmoore74 wrote: Outsourcing the PresidentI love it! Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.
I know some folks I should definitely not send it to....
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
tree68 wrote: zardoz wrote: dmoore74 wrote: Outsourcing the PresidentI love it! Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.I know some folks I should definitely not send it to....
Oh, go ahead and send it if only for the irritation factor.
dmoore74 wrote: tree68 wrote: zardoz wrote: dmoore74 wrote: Outsourcing the PresidentI love it! Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.I know some folks I should definitely not send it to....Oh, go ahead and send it if only for the irritation factor.
Nah - I value their friendship, even if I don't like their politics.
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then attached it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
And for those of us who are sick of the man-bashing jokes, it's her turn now:Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up12. Introduction to Parking13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
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