A Nun, a Priest, a Rabbi, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Greek and a Blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, ''What is this, some kind of joke?"
Have fun with your trains
Hu is the President of China?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybj2FJ8iDCs&mode=related&search=
vsmith wrote: A Nun, a Priest, a Rabbi, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Greek and a Blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, ''What is this, some kind of joke?"
you forgot the talking dog and a horse
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective-or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Another thing you would not know.
If there are 2 detectivesOne is white, the other blackOne is happily married, the other is divorced or separatedNeither one bleeds when in a fightChuck Norris can kick a bad guy in the face and not break a bone.
Dare we go down the alley of Chuck Norris?
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes, Chuck has 72....and they're all poisonous.In some countries there are 13 months. The 13th month is Chuck Norris.
Dan
Remember: In South Carolina, North is southeast of Due West... HIOAg /Bill
Zardoz
Some Dalek Humor....
Daleks at home....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QxNJEBr_l0
Ever wonder what became of the French Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfNfDiqAF9Q
My nephews did this to their cousin after seeing this one.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMBJePzxiZs
vsmith wrote: ZardozSome Dalek Humor....Daleks at home....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QxNJEBr_l0Ever wonder what became of the French Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfNfDiqAF9Q
Vic:
Those were hilarious! Thanks.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
The Whistle.
Scene:
Away-From-Home Terminal high in the Mountains on a Wonderful Sunny Day with NO Wind, for a Change.
Large Gathering of Senior East and West Crews in the Glory? Days of Steam.
Newbie Trainman From Extra Board on First Paid Trip East Motor-Mouthing about the Splendor of the Mountains, the Glaciers, the Lakes, the Grades, the Curves, the Snowsheds, the Trestles and Tunnels all soon to be changed for the Worse by Winter and Thirty Below.
Hardship and Snow Slides around every Curve.
Newbie Trainman Says in Conclusion; "...AND!! the Engineer let me Blow the Whistle!!!!"
From far side of Room, Very Senior Red-Nose-with-Purple-Veins-that-had-seen-too-many-Years-Beers-and-Tears Conductor Retorts; "Hope you Din't Burn Your Lips!!!"
I have read all 157 pages (3133 entries) and have had a good laugh several times... sometimes at the same jokes over and over again.... oh well, some jokes are worth repeating!
I have a couple of jokes that I don't remember reading here already...
Here is my favourite pun(s):
There was an old tribal chief named Goras Therom and all members of the tribe wanted to follow in his path.
Well, it seems he had three wives. A big stoutly one that slept on an Elk skin, a petite one that slept on a deer skin and a third one that was... well, she slept on a hippopotamus skin!
The first wife conceived and bare him a son, as did the second wife. But the third wife was barren. The first two wives really chided the third wife about that, which made her really mad and determined to show them up somehow.
As a part of the rites of passage the male members of this tribe had to perform some great feat and when these two sons had grown they were required to meet these rites.
The first son went out and killed a bear and brought it back to the village. The second son did the same thing.
The first two wives laid it on thick to the third wife. "Our sons have killed a bear... what has 'YOUR' son done??? Oh dear, you don't have a SON... do you???"
These words really burned in the third wife's ear and she determined to show that they were not so special. She went out one day and killed TWO bears and brought them both back to the village.
Thus, all those that wanted to follow in the "path of Goras Therom" knew that...
"The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
You know you're really trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
State MottosAlabama: Heck Yes, We Have ElectricityAlaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!Arizona: But It's A Dry HeatArkansas: Literacy Ain't EverythingCalifornia: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your HondaColorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't BotherConnecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-YetDelaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our WaterFlorida: Ask Us About Our GrandkidsGeorgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist ExtremismHawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But LeaveYour Money)Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes SureAre Real GoodIllinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave FreeIowa: We Do Amazing Things With CornKansas: First Of The Rectangle StatesKentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last NamesLouisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism CampaignMaine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap LobsterMaryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax ItMassachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The CanadiansMinnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 MosquitoesMississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own StateMissouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At WorkMontana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little ElseNebraska: Ask About Our State Motto ContestNevada: Hookers and Poker!New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us AloneNew Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent petsNew York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney....North Carolina: Tobacco Is A VegetableNorth Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!Ohio: At Least We're Not MichiganOklahoma: Like The Play, Only No SingingOregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For DinnerPennsylvania: Cook With CoalRhode Island: We're Not REALLY An IslandSouth Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually SurrenderSouth Dakota: Closer Than North DakotaTennessee: The Educashun StateTexas: Si' Hablo Ing'lesUtah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your JesusVermont: YepVirginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!Wisconsin: Come Cut The CheeseWyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared.
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
Difference Between Republicans and Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
Spokyone,
I deleted the post.
My Nephew in the Illinois National Guard sent me this regarding cutbacks in funding.
Your friendly neighborhood CNW fan.
Dick Cheney and Harry Whittington are once again hunting quail out in the woods when Whittington grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.Cheney whips out his cell phone and calls the Secret Service. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Then Cheney's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"
-----------------------
Did you hear Cheney and Whittington are back hunting Quail again?
Yeah but Dan keeps getting away.
Corporate America
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.
What does a Texas tornado And an Arkansas divorce. have in common?
Someone is going to lose a trailer.
Trivia (part 1)
A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long in just one night.
A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation.
A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth.
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.
A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there, though.
A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average.
A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
A ‘jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.
After eating, a housefly regurgitates its food and then eats it again.
Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the mornings.
Bulls are colorblind, therefore will usually charge at a matador's waving cape no matter what color it is - be it red or neon yellow.
Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.
Cat urine glows under a black-light.
Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half.
Nose prints are used to identify dogs, just like humans use fingerprints.
One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen.
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
Porcupines float in water.
Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates hands when typing.
Smelling bananas and/or green apples (smelling, not eating) can help you lose weight.
The average ice berg weighs 20,000,000 tons.
The average life span of a major league baseball is 5-7 pitches.
The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.
The Earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
The most used letter in the English alphabet is ‘E', and ‘Z' is the least used.
The opposite sides of a dice cube always add up to seven.
The original name for the butterfly was ‘flutterby'.
The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet at all times.
The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet.
The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on its fur.
The state of Florida is bigger than England.
The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
Useful non-committal responses:
Situation: A coworker goes on and on about a lame place they visited. Response: "I can totally see you having fun there." Situation: A friend tells you about a horrible band he just loves. Response: "I hear they have many fans." Situation: Someone gushes about a bad TV show or movie. Response: "That's so right up your alley."
Situation: Cell phone-obsessed friend asks, "Hey, guess my ringtone?"Response: "Don't know, but my 13-year-old cousin would love this game."Situation: You're barraged with Atkins-based dieting advice. Response: "Doctors say you should have your cholesterol checked regularly." Situation: A woman friend asks your opinion on her god-awful outfit. Response: "I bet you'll get a lot of wear out of that." Situation: The viewing of a less than attractive newborn. Response: "Wow, what a baby!" Situation: A buddy asks what you think about his new ugly girlfriend. Response: "Dude, she seems really into you." Situation: A gal pal asks what you think about her new ugly boyfriend. Response: "He seems like the type that won't cheat." Situation: You discover your boyfriend is small in the pants.Response: "It's the perfect size." Situation: A good friend shows you his cheesy website.Response: "I don't know which animation to look at first!" Situation: A guy at a party boasts about his boring job. Response: "Holy cow, I could never do what you do!" Situation: Someone asks, "I love Sopranos! What's your favorite episode?" Response: "I'm really looking forward to the last one." Situation: A friend gabs about her upcoming wedding for months on end. Response: "I cannot wait 'til you get married. We're all counting the days."Situation: You are served horrible food at a friend's house. Response: "I can tell this is homemade."Situation: An acquaintance asks what you think about her new hair style.Response: "You know, not everyone can pull that off."
Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.