I like this one, and I am Irish.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Sock Preference ================ The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE/ procedures have been developed.Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.>> MALE PROCEDURE >> * 1. Drive up to the cash machine.>> * 2. Put down your car window.>> * 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.>> * 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.>> * 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.>> * 6. Put window up.>> * 7 Drive off.>>> ************************************************************>> FEMALE PROCEDURE:>> * 1. Drive up to cash machine.>> * 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.>> * 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.>> * 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card!>> * 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.>> * 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.>> * 7. Open door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.>> * 8. Insert card.>> * 9. Re-insert card the right way.>> * 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.> * 11. Enter PIN.>> * 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.>> * 13. Enter amount of cash required.>> * 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.>> * 15 Retrieve cash and receipt.>> * 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.>> * 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.>> * 18. Re-check makeup.>> * 19. Drive forward 2 feet.>> * 20. Reverse back to cash machine.>> * 21. Retrieve card.>> * 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.>> * 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.>> * 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.>> * 25. Redial person on cell phone.>> * 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.>> * 27. Release Parking Brake.
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was shopping and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold.""Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked."Why, that's a thermos .. . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee.
Those 27 procedures at the ATM would especially apply if the female is a blonde!!!
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
Now that I've insulted the blondes, now I'll take my shots at the elderly:
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns.""Do you mean a rose?""Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?----------------------------------------------------------------------------------A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure.""Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks."No, I can remember it.""Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.""I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?""Twelve thirty."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Blondes Old People Now politics
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
Have fun with your trains
vsmith wrote: Locating the vanishing point
Hmmm... NSFW? I can't access this site, and it's not my company's firewall that's stopping me, either!
Brian (IA) http://blhanel.rrpicturearchives.net.
Have you ever noticed when you use your computer first thing in the morning, the icons appear to be in a different place than when you left? Have you sensed that something goes on if you leave your computer on overnight? Well, when you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on. For the first time, someone has captured what takes place after you leave the room. Click here to check out why..... http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball squad?
She ran away from the ball.
Look closely - yes, this is a painted hand (or fist as the case may be).
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
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