Sad news...Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Are you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan? Read on. (pretty funny and accurate)....Makes me miss home!!If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
Part 2 - You know you're a true Michigander when...
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.2. You measure distance in hours.3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.11. You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.15. Down South to you means Ohio.16. A brat is something you eat.17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.19. Your Fourth of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.20. You have more miles on your snow blower than on your car.21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."22. You drink pop and bake with soda.23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing25. You know what a Yooper is.26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.28. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Zardoz,
Still causing many a chuckle I see. Thank you, Long may you and the others continue the same.
From one of our television programmes -
A boat sinks way off the coast. The 5 men and one woman board are saved by holding onto a flimsy rope suspended from a helicopter.
The woman volunteers to sacrifice herself, "because women always do that for men".
The 5 men all applaud her. Guess who's saved !
Germanium.
When Johnny was little, he and his parents lived next to a gentleman who happened to be an old cowboy. This old cowboy would often join Johnny and his folks for breakfast. One morning Johnny and the old cowboy were having breakfast together when the cowboy looked at Johnny and said to him, "Johnny, if you want to grow up as big and strong as I am, you should sprinkle a little bit of gun powder on your oatmeal every morning.
Johnny took the old cowboy's advice and he did this every day for the rest of his life. Johnny lived to the ripe old age of 102, and when he died, he left behind his 14 children, 36 grand children, 12 great-grand children, and a 12 foot hole in the wall of the funeral home's crematorium!!!
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
"There was a time in this fair land when the railroad did not run, when the wild majestic mountains stood alone against the sun, long before the white man and long before the wheel, when the green, dark forest was too silent to be real." Gordon Lightfoot
"Da Finkers"
Ole vas working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut, Minnesota vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in da Clinik and vhen he got dere, da old Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said to him, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."Vhat do you mean you haven't got da finkers?", da doctor said. "Lord, it's 2006! Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible, new tecniques. I could haf put da finkers back on and made you like brand new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers??"
Ole's response was, "How was I supposed to pick dem up?"
RJ
"Something hidden, Go and find it. Go and look behind the ranges, Something lost behind the ranges. Lost and waiting for you. Go." The Explorers - Rudyard Kipling
http://sweetwater-photography.com/
The differences between men & women.
A guy named Ron is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither of them is seeing anyone else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine. Without really thinking, she says it aloud, "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine it seemed like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself,"Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Ron is thinking, "Gosh. Six months."
Then Elaine is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
And Ron is thinking, "So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."
Elaine is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment -- maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."
And Roger is thinking, And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves six hundred dollars."
And Elaine is thinking, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."
And Ron is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a ninety-day warranty. Scumbags."
And Elaine is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right here next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
And Ron is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..."
"Ron," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Ron, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I never should have. Oh God, I feel so." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Ron.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Ron.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Ron, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I. I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a fifteen-second pause while Ron, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Ron, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Ron.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Ron. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Ron," she says.
"Thank you," says Ron.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed -- a conflicted, tortured soul -- and weeps until dawn.
Ron gets back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he just doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, every expression, every gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Ron, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women.
Moses, Jesus, and another player were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The other player got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the same pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water, onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they pass over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Ole and Lena lived out on a farm and Lena was pregnant. When it came time for Lena to have her baby, Ole went out to the barn and fired up his John Deere tractor and took Lena into town to the hospital. Ole was in the delivery room with Ole and the doctor and when the child was delivered, the doctor turned to Ole and said, "Congratulations, Ole! You and Lena now have a little boy!" "But wait, there's another one on the way!" Pretty soon the doctor turns to Ole and says to him, "Congratulations Ole, this time you've got a little girl!" Ole is beside himself with joy and doesn't quite know what to think of this situation, when all of a sudden, the doctor tells him that onother child is on it's way to being born, and this time it's another boy.
Lena spends a couple days in the hospital just recovering from the ordeal of giving birth to three children. Ole goes out to the barn and he fires up the John Deere combine to make the trip into town to the hospital to fetch Lena and his three new children. On the way home, he tells Lena that he can't believe that they are the proud parents of three babies, let alone one! Lena says to Ole, "Ole, ya remember dat time vhen ve vere makin' love and I didn't have any lubricant? Ya remember dat you vent out to da shop and you got dat 3-in-One oil?" Ole's response was, "Ya! Good Heavens! It's a good ting I didn't grab da WD-40!!!"
"There's a train down at the station, it's come to carry my bones away. With two engines on, twenty-one coaches long. End to end, twenty-one coaches bend. If I wait for the right moment, you can bet I'll climb aboard unseen, I've done it before, you know I can do it in my sleep. The watchman's out, kicking the bums about, the watchman's out, kicking your dreams about. It's like a song, knowing the watchman's gone. Gordon Lightfoot
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the 'king' of them all. Give me a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"
"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."
The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."
The boy replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is way better than yours."
Naked Chicks With GUNS! WooHoooo!
http://1stclass.mylargescale.com/vsmith/naked-chicks-with-guns.jpeg
reposted here since some of our forum members seam to have absolutely no sense of humor...
Have fun with your trains
What goes "clickity - click - glug! clickity - click glug!"?
Scroll down for the answer........
Granny, slamming a "Jack Daniel's" between "knits and purls".
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