Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[locomutt]

A GROANER

Did you hear about that new pirate movie?

It's rated arrrrrrrrr...

[Anonymous]

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhart have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

[Anonymous]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next
to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes
his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it
slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to
discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling.
How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins
of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I
haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that
you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know s***?"

[zardoz]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[tree68]

A priest was in town on some church business and stayed at a hotel whose management had an optimistic, can-do outlook - "There are no problems, only opportunities."

He checked in and went to his room. Soon he returned to the front desk. "I have a problem," he told the clerk.

"There are no problems, only opportunities," replied the clerk, parroting the management philosophy.

"Call it what you will," answered the priest. "There's a woman in my room..."

[zardoz]

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[samfp1943]

Dear Diary;
When our lawnmower broke and it woulden't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But somehow I always had something else to take care of first. My truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiney pare of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "You might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Sam

[Anonymous]

Guy and his wife go to a distant town for a convention. They check into a hotel which is next to the mainline of a busy railroad. Their room is on the ground floor next to the tracks.

After they enter their room the husband tells the wife that he is going to the convention room to see if he can find the his co- workers. The wife decides to lay down on the bed for a nap.

Two minutes later she 's knocked out of bed by the 4:15 Express outside their window. Upset she gets back into bed but is jarred out of bed by the next train. Unwilling to put up with this ,she goes out to the front desk and tells the manager what's happened.

"Nonsense" he cries, "this is a five-star hotel, that's impossible!"

She gets angry and threatens to check-out of the hotel. The manager then agrees to go to the room to check out her complaint.

Upon arriving in the room the manager says that she could not have been tossed out of bed and tells the woman to get in the bed, then he gets into the bed too.

Just then the woman's husband returns to the room and sees the manager in bed with his wife and demands to know what's going on.

The manager says, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

With apologies to Henny Youngman.

[locomutt]

100 CAMELS FOR WIFE......


US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

[locomutt]

STRANGE PAGE


One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"



Another technical problem solved.

[ChuckCobleigh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

STRANGE PAGE



"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Scott adams in the The Dilbert Principle tells the similar story of the tech manager who got an alphanumeric pager, about which he complained in a few weeks that it seemed to be using a lot of batteries. Nobody told him that one of the company pranksters was paging him with the message "LO BAT" about once a week or so. I knew a few managers over the year that were about that clueless, which is scary in a technology company.

[tree68]

A couple variations on the unavoidable laws.

The Office Corrollary to the Bath Theorem: As soon as you walk away from your desk, the phone rings.

Gumpersons Law (a version of Murphy's Law): Anything that can go wrong, will, and at the worst possible time.

[Anonymous]

I see that someone posted Gumperson's Law which I've not heard referredto in years. However the version that I learned from a former boss went like this:
"The likelihood of an event is inversely proportional to the desirability thereof"
I like that version because it sounds so scholarly and impressive but means no more than other ways of saying that things will go wrong. I sound so learned when I quote my version when I'm no more learned than anyone else.

[tree68]

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Larry, that whole post was just plain weird. Nicely done.

[locomutt]

Auto Repair

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a
clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a
left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this
note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

[samfp1943]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Larry, that whole post was just plain weird. Nicely done.

Amen, to that!![swg][swg][swg]

But to digress a little.....
A Wyoming cowboy was herding his cows in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks
at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why
not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg,Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report
on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man
select one of the animals, and looks on amused as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a
second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman, elected to the U.S.Government" says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did
you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want
to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing
about cows....

Now give me back my dog . [;)][;)][;)]

[chad thomas]

Too funny

Hey Larry, After reading about lights being dark suckers I wonder
would a black hole be a dark blower?

[stmtrolleyguy]

Okay, I gotta ask two things :

1. Is this the topic with the most pages here? If not, what IS?

2. Has anyone actually gained a start on this topic alone?
:P

[CShaveRR]

No, trolley guy.

The answer to number 1 is that this thread of real humor has been beaten out by a thread with virtual food--check out the Depot Diner and Coffee Shop.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Larry, that whole post was just plain weird. Nicely done.

Wish I'd written it..

[vsmith]

From the LawDog Blog: also posted on the Darwin Award site:

 

Darwin is a rotter

There is a club devoted exclusively to gangsta hip-hop music located in our fair city.

It is currently part of the turf owned by one set of Latino gangers who are feuding pretty seriously with another pack.

Small, dark, mota- reeking little place. My buddy Reno and I did some bouncing for spending money there for a couple of years when an African-American gang still owned that side; it was a brutal little dive then and it darned sure hasn't got any better.

Local PD won't go in there with less than four officers, and they usually have the tac-team do their walk-throughs.

Anyhoo, one night a while back there is a call for an ambulance, Rescue, the tac-team, and any available officers Code Three to the club.

Everybody and their grandma shows up. Several tons worth of officers show up, and muscle their way through the patrons to find a 19-year-old hispanic male laying on his side on the dance floor, completely unresponsive.

Everyone really, really wants to know just what the hell has happened here, his vatos are going bugnuts, and the only thing that anyone can learn is that the other gang has "done shot him".

This is Not Good. This is So Not Good.

Visions of a full-blown gang war dancing in their heads, the tac-team starts heaving bodies out into the road while the detectives snatch two of the biggest-mouthed eses and start trying to put together a sequence of what the hell just happened here.

Turns out that about eight Kings walked into the club sometime prior to the incident and started dancing with Lords gals.

Young Eduardo De La Dancefloor decided that this was, indeed, an insult too great to be borne so he allegedly pulled out what seems to have been a chromed Raven Arms .25ACP, pointed it at the Kings, and engaged in what must have been a truly inspired Alpha Male Display.

The Kings chose (for once) the better part of valour and hauled butt out the side door of the club.

Young Eduardo then turned in triumph to his little pack, and in a manner calculated to cause swooning in any brainless girl-child desperate (or stupid) enough to hang out with Mexicano gangsters, whirls the little silver auto around his shootin' finger, flips it back the other way, then back again, and proceeds to, err ... manfully ... thrust it home into the front of his waistband.

Ahem.

Gentle Readers, the Four Rules of Shooting are not just Rules, they are a damned fine idea. Let us ponder, in this case, the wisdom of: "Don't Point The Barrel At Anything You're Not Willing To Destroy" and "Keep Your Booger Hook Off Of The Bang Switch".

Yeah. Whoo. I believe that my readers of the male persuasion probably have an inkling of what happened.

My friends, I have seen the impossible. I have proof of a one shot stop utilizing a single, lonesome .25ACP FMJ.

Sweet Shivering Shiva.

Ahem. Anyhoo, apparently the finale of this testosterone preen involved Young Eduardo staggering back a step, raising a paw to his buddies, stumbling a bit and then according to eyewitnesses, his eyes just "kinda rolled back" and Eddie ploughed nose first into the parquet dancefloor.

I shall never sniff disdainfully at those who choose to carry a .25 ACP again.

Apparently he blew the left one into hamburger, air-conditioned Mr. Happy, and the combination of muzzle-flash and hydrostatic shock(?!) bruised the right one to the point that it's probably "not going to be viable". Medically speaking.

Oh, and the the round drilled into his left thigh and snuggled in contentedly about an inch or so from the femur.

Gawd.

Jut another day in Law Enforcement, folks. You can't make this stuff up.

LawDog

Submitted on 06/22/2006

[chad thomas]

From the LawDog Blog: also posted on the Darwin Award site:

Darwin is a rotter

There is a club devoted exclusively to gangsta hip-hop music located in our fair city.

It is currently part of the turf owned by one set of Latino gangers who are feuding pretty seriously with another pack.

Small, dark, mota- reeking little place. My buddy Reno and I did some bouncing for spending money there for a couple of years when an African-American gang still owned that side; it was a brutal little dive then and it darned sure hasn't got any better.

Local PD won't go in there with less than four officers, and they usually have the tac-team do their walk-throughs.

Anyhoo, one night a while back there is a call for an ambulance, Rescue, the tac-team, and any available officers Code Three to the club.

Everybody and their grandma shows up. Several tons worth of officers show up, and muscle their way through the patrons to find a 19-year-old hispanic male laying on his side on the dance floor, completely unresponsive.

Everyone really, really wants to know just what the hell has happened here, his vatos are going bugnuts, and the only thing that anyone can learn is that the other gang has "done shot him".

This is Not Good. This is So Not Good.

Visions of a full-blown gang war dancing in their heads, the tac-team starts heaving bodies out into the road while the detectives snatch two of the biggest-mouthed eses and start trying to put together a sequence of what the hell just happened here.

Turns out that about eight Kings walked into the club sometime prior to the incident and started dancing with Lords gals.

Young Eduardo De La Dancefloor decided that this was, indeed, an insult too great to be borne so he allegedly pulled out what seems to have been a chromed Raven Arms .25ACP, pointed it at the Kings, and engaged in what must have been a truly inspired Alpha Male Display.

The Kings chose (for once) the better part of valour and hauled butt out the side door of the club.

Young Eduardo then turned in triumph to his little pack, and in a manner calculated to cause swooning in any brainless girl-child desperate (or stupid) enough to hang out with Mexicano gangsters, whirls the little silver auto around his shootin' finger, flips it back the other way, then back again, and proceeds to, err ... manfully ... thrust it home into the front of his waistband.

Ahem.

Gentle Readers, the Four Rules of Shooting are not just Rules, they are a damned fine idea. Let us ponder, in this case, the wisdom of: "Don't Point The Barrel At Anything You're Not Willing To Destroy" and "Keep Your Booger Hook Off Of The Bang Switch".

Yeah. Whoo. I believe that my readers of the male persuasion probably have an inkling of what happened.

My friends, I have seen the impossible. I have proof of a one shot stop utilizing a single, lonesome .25ACP FMJ.

Sweet Shivering Shiva.

Ahem. Anyhoo, apparently the finale of this testosterone preen involved Young Eduardo staggering back a step, raising a paw to his buddies, stumbling a bit and then according to eyewitnesses, his eyes just "kinda rolled back" and Eddie ploughed nose first into the parquet dancefloor.

I shall never sniff disdainfully at those who choose to carry a .25 ACP again.

Apparently he blew the left one into hamburger, air-conditioned Mr. Happy, and the combination of muzzle-flash and hydrostatic shock(?!) bruised the right one to the point that it's probably "not going to be viable". Medically speaking.

Oh, and the the round drilled into his left thigh and snuggled in contentedly about an inch or so from the femur.

Gawd.

Jut another day in Law Enforcement, folks. You can't make this stuff up.

LawDog

Submitted on 06/22/2006

 

Hey Vic, I was camping with a bunch of friends once (I think new years eve) up in the mountains and a friend of mine did the same thing. Didn't get the jewels but gave Mr happy some air conditioning. We had to drive him 30 miles in the snow to where he was air lifted to the hospital. Funny thing was the medic cut his pants off first thing and he had to walk across the helopad at the hospital in his birthday suit. He will never live that one down.

[chad thomas]

PONDERISMS
*      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
·      Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a     plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
·      The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
·      Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
·      Life is sexually transmitted.
·      Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
·      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
·      Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.  
·      Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
·      Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
·      All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
·      In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
·      Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
·      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
·      Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
·      Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
·      Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
·      Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
·      If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
·      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
·      If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
·      Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
·      Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
·      Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[vsmith]

If Rednecks Ruled the World

 

 

Redneck Christmas

http://gpsinformation.info/main/X-masDecoration-g.jpg

Redneck Bassboat

http://gpsinformation.info/main/ATT00017.jpg

Redneck dogs

http://gpsinformation.info/main/RedneckDogs.jpg

Redneck Magazine

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-5.jpg

Redneck President

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-1.jpg

Redneck Presidents Whitehouse

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-2.jpg

Redneck President Air Force 1

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-3.jpg

Redneck Moon shot

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-4.jpg

Redneck Motorhome

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/rednec-motor-home.jpg

Redneck Highrise

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/redneck-high-rise.jpg

Redneck Lawnmower

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/ShowLetter.jpg

Redneck Limo

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/limo.jpg

Redneck Swimming pool

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/redneck-swimming-pool.jpg

Redneck Lotto winner

http://gpsinformation.info/main/winner.jpg

Redneck Highway

http://gpsinformation.us/Maps/notmyjob.jpg

Redneck Barstool

http://www.frozeninfire.com/signs/Image22.jpg

 

and finally,

 

Rednecks, gotta learn‘em young!

http://gpsinformation.info/main/sign-here.jpg

[vsmith]

From the LawDog Blog: also posted on the Darwin Award site:

Darwin is a rotter

There is a club devoted exclusively to gangsta hip-hop music located in our fair city.

It is currently part of the turf owned by one set of Latino gangers who are feuding pretty seriously with another pack.

Small, dark, mota- reeking little place. My buddy Reno and I did some bouncing for spending money there for a couple of years when an African-American gang still owned that side; it was a brutal little dive then and it darned sure hasn't got any better.

Local PD won't go in there with less than four officers, and they usually have the tac-team do their walk-throughs.

Anyhoo, one night a while back there is a call for an ambulance, Rescue, the tac-team, and any available officers Code Three to the club.

Everybody and their grandma shows up. Several tons worth of officers show up, and muscle their way through the patrons to find a 19-year-old hispanic male laying on his side on the dance floor, completely unresponsive.

Everyone really, really wants to know just what the hell has happened here, his vatos are going bugnuts, and the only thing that anyone can learn is that the other gang has "done shot him".

This is Not Good. This is So Not Good.

Visions of a full-blown gang war dancing in their heads, the tac-team starts heaving bodies out into the road while the detectives snatch two of the biggest-mouthed eses and start trying to put together a sequence of what the hell just happened here.

Turns out that about eight Kings walked into the club sometime prior to the incident and started dancing with Lords gals.

Young Eduardo De La Dancefloor decided that this was, indeed, an insult too great to be borne so he allegedly pulled out what seems to have been a chromed Raven Arms .25ACP, pointed it at the Kings, and engaged in what must have been a truly inspired Alpha Male Display.

The Kings chose (for once) the better part of valour and hauled butt out the side door of the club.

Young Eduardo then turned in triumph to his little pack, and in a manner calculated to cause swooning in any brainless girl-child desperate (or stupid) enough to hang out with Mexicano gangsters, whirls the little silver auto around his shootin' finger, flips it back the other way, then back again, and proceeds to, err ... manfully ... thrust it home into the front of his waistband.

Ahem.

Gentle Readers, the Four Rules of Shooting are not just Rules, they are a damned fine idea. Let us ponder, in this case, the wisdom of: "Don't Point The Barrel At Anything You're Not Willing To Destroy" and "Keep Your Booger Hook Off Of The Bang Switch".

Yeah. Whoo. I believe that my readers of the male persuasion probably have an inkling of what happened.

My friends, I have seen the impossible. I have proof of a one shot stop utilizing a single, lonesome .25ACP FMJ.

Sweet Shivering Shiva.

Ahem. Anyhoo, apparently the finale of this testosterone preen involved Young Eduardo staggering back a step, raising a paw to his buddies, stumbling a bit and then according to eyewitnesses, his eyes just "kinda rolled back" and Eddie ploughed nose first into the parquet dancefloor.

I shall never sniff disdainfully at those who choose to carry a .25 ACP again.

Apparently he blew the left one into hamburger, air-conditioned Mr. Happy, and the combination of muzzle-flash and hydrostatic shock(?!) bruised the right one to the point that it's probably "not going to be viable". Medically speaking.

Oh, and the the round drilled into his left thigh and snuggled in contentedly about an inch or so from the femur.

Gawd.

Jut another day in Law Enforcement, folks. You can't make this stuff up.

LawDog

Submitted on 06/22/2006

 

Hey Vic, I was camping with a bunch of friends once (I think new years eve) up in the mountains and a friend of mine did the same thing. Didn't get the jewels but gave Mr happy some air conditioning. We had to drive him 30 miles in the snow to where he was air lifted to the hospital. Funny thing was the medic cut his pants off first thing and he had to walk across the helopad at the hospital in his birthday suit. He will never live that one down.

[zardoz]

Three Kids and George Bush

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said,
"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans."  Bush
said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and
stereo headset!!"  Bush is a little perplexed by this and said,  "But, son,
you don't  look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from
drowning!"

[zardoz]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.

 

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.

"That's true but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[zardoz]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

 

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN   (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.

 

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day..30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.  God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee"

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says......... "HEBREWS"

 

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[zardoz]

Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
***Brief Pause.***
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 555-5731?