Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

[:p] jimbo & bubba were driving down the back roads of tennesee drinkin a few long neck bottles of bud when from a distance bubba noticed the county sherrifs road block (DWI CHECK POINT) and told jimbo to tear the lable off the bottle and stick it on his forehead then hrow the bottle under the seat
upon doing so they arrived at the checkpoint when the sheriff walks calmly to the truck and says bubba jimbo you boys been drinkin then bubba replies no sir we's on the PATCH[8D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

[:p]

QUOTE: Originally posted by mloik



An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

We'll, even I would sue for for this.......[;)][8D]

[:p] discourage imbreeding ban country music

[:p][:p] LINE DANCING see what happens when cousins breed

[zardoz]

To impress a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.



To impress a man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

To impress a woman:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.



To impress a man:

Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

or show up naked with beer

[CShaveRR]

There goes
the theory that Grandmas know everything!

Little Tony was staying
with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with
the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are
sleeping on top of each
other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the
truth... "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little
Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play
with
the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said
angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called
Bunk Beds!"

[CShaveRR]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.



She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.



To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.



There are teachers, and then there are educators.

[chad thomas]

That's a good one Carl.

[zardoz]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE %^&*@ UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."

[CShaveRR]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.........

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March
for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now
was somewhere around $60.00 I placed the
following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her
to the credit bureau maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being
dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: "....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"

Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well.. if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her..I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: " ( OdessaMemorialCemetery#### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

[Mookie]

Woman goes into the kitchen and finds her husband with a flyswatter in hand.

"Did you kill any?" she asks.

"Yep!" he replied. "three males and two females!"

"How do you know the sex of the flies?" she asked.

"Three were on a beer can and two were on the telephone!"

[rvos1979]

With all apologies to Mookie and cat lovers everywhere (and yes, I love cats too!)..

How to properly clean your toilet.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while taking him/her towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the sounds coming from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flu***he toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he/she will dry him/herself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Randy

[dmoore74]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!”

[zardoz]

A middle school science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the
principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked Around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young
lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

[zardoz]

Local Business Looking For Office Help. The Sign In The Window Says:


HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the ***ed sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

[zardoz]

QUICK-THINKING KIDS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!
__________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER : No, that's wrong

GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?

GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE : I is...

TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

[zardoz]

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, 6 year olds. Their insight may surprise you.

1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.......................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before....................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........ how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.
7. No news is................................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .............................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust..................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the................. pigs.
13. An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is................................. not much.
17. Two's company, three's...................... the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what........ you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .......you have to
blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.................... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ........ see in the picture on
the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind .................. get out of the way.!

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than....................................pregnant. :)

[chad thomas]

Thanks for the morning laugh zardoz [(-D]

[zardoz]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[CShaveRR]

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One
would dig a hole,and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it--why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"
>
> The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
> looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy
> who plants the trees called in sick."

[cherokee woman]

The latest ploy to defeat the Iraqis is to send in a team of Alabama
Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, Slick , Bucky
and Cooter are being sent in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive
pickup trucks. They will be given only the following information about
the enemy:

1. There is no limit,

2. The season opened last weekend.

3. They taste like chicken.

4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks, country music,
barbeque, or Jesus.

5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

It should be over in about a week.

[espeefoamer]

Little Billy's grandfather called him over for a discussion.Grandfather said,Billy,did you tip over the outhouse this morning?Billy replies,...ummm...uhhh...His grandfather said When George Washington was your age,he chopped down his father's cherry tree.When his father asked him about it,he said,I cannot tell a lie.I chopped down the cherry tree.George's father didnt punish him because he told the truth,his grandfather said. Billy replied,ok,I pushed over the outhouse. His grandfather promptly turned Billy over his knee and gave him a whooping.With tears in his eyes,Billy said,You told me George Washington's father didn't punish him because he told the truth.Grandfather said,George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when he chopped it down!

[vsmith]

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

and the favorite...

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[zardoz]

Vic, I think I'm having a Steve Wright flashback. Thank you!

[vsmith]

Words of Wisdom of the Great Zen-Yogi (Berra)

"This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died."
-referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary."
-at Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it."
- when asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there."
- referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Surprise me."
- on where his wife should have him buried.

"Do you mean now?"
- when asked for the time.

"The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running."

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes."
- during an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
- after being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ballpark, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name."
- upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

and perhaps his most famous...

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

[JoeKoh]

I like the commercial hes in.they give you cash which is just as good as money.
thanks vic
stay safe
Joe

[zardoz]

George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin. He says to Bush "Our largest condom factory has exploded. My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you send 10,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?" said Bush.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long, and 2" in diameter?"

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a Texas condom company. "I need a favor. Can you send 10,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia?"

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in diameter."

"That will be done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN TEXAS, SIZE: SMALL,' on each one!!!"

[dmoore74]

Understanding women?



In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's
the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
with
Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)



Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the fellas for info & to the gals for a good laugh!

[zardoz]

The Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[CShaveRR]

Original COFFEE SHOP BLONDE

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel and Win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming,

"I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken.

"You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have
that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake.

I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...




W I N A B A G E L.

[CShaveRR]

WHERE'S THE MANAGER?

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the
manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running
her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room"

"?"

***