Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[JoeKoh]

did you know about the louisiana man that got chased by the cops and got away?
he did so good he needed to call them on his cell phone to tell them he was LOST.
now doing time in an iron cell.
stay safe
joe

[zardoz]

A guy walks into a bar and is soon in conversation with a pretty woman. It becomes evident that she's looking for, how do I put this delicately? A "professional relationship."

The guy, happy for the company, keeps on chatting. Finally, she says, "Look, things have been kind of slow lately and I'll do anything you ask for a hundred bucks. There's just one condition: You'll have to tell it to me in three words."

The guy says he'll think about it, so she goes back to her table. Finally, after several minutes he walks slowly over to her table. His eyes are lowered. He puts five twenties on the table. Their eyes meet. In a low voice, he says, "Paint my house."

[Anonymous]

I offer these links to some humorous videos:

for basketball fans: http://abfhm.free.fr/basket.htm

for the more "mature" members: http://snipurl.com/makemyday

ever feel like this?: http://snipurl.com/offtowork

[CShaveRR]

My youngest sister, a health-care worker, sent me this exercise program:

"Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Just don't over-do it.

"Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side.

"With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

"Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

"After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks. Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

"After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks."

[espeefoamer]

Equinox:
1.Was that a three pointer?
2.Loved it! Those kids got what they deserved[:(!]!
3.I can definately identify with that video!

[vsmith]

This is gaurenteed to **** of someone....


An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change?

Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[espeefoamer]

ROFLMAO[:p].

[cherokee woman]

These just in from Arcamax Jokes:

Quick Q & A's

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?

A: A***a-poodle-doo!


Q: Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a
Chinese restaurant?

A: Because of the Peking Duck.

[vsmith]

Ohhhh ....the Pain !!!!!!![(-D]

[vsmith]

OK this was sent to me from a friend, so if yer from here and get offended, blame her, not me!!!


It's time to play .. Arkansas

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow.
But she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they've raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver replies, "'Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and they hadn't even finished colouring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets divorced they are STILL cousins.

At the scene of an accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver what gear he was in at the moment of impact.
The driver replied, "Tractor hat and camouflage huntin' duds."

Folks in Arkansas now go to movies in groups of 18.
They were told '17 and under are not admitted.'

An Arkansas man phoned the local hospital, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
"No, ya dummy!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

[tree68]

True story - a youngster my daughter sits for daily (her words):

"Michael was playing with the overhead light in my car today and I asked him not to. He asked why and I told him that the battery might die if the light was left on. He was surprised that a car had a battery, being very knowledgeable about battery-operated toys. He asked where it was and I told him, but then he walked around the back of the car, squatted down and looked under the car for the battery door. I laughed and that made him laugh, then he asked “Why am I funny? What did I do?” Very cute. I can just imagine the pictures in his head about the size of the batteries or how they are put in the car. "

[:D]

[locomutt]

Hmmmm;AAA-AA-C-or D Cells ???

[Anonymous]

Although this would be consinderd[#offtopic][#offtopic][#offtopic][#offtopic][#offtopic]I
guess the topic starter lost to the idiginant mookie.Stay into railways Mookie we need
girls too.

[Mikeygaw]

Cat shoots owner

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=817&ncid=757&e=10&u=/ap/20050311/ap_on_fe_st/cat_shoots_owner

[Puckdropper]

I usually feed mine something when cooking! (It sometimes happens to be whatever drops on the floor, but they don't care.)

[vsmith]

"That 'll teach him to change my catfood!"


...allegedy overheard by detectives tailing suspect to litterbox.

[AggroJones]

I'm falling out of my chair laughing over here. [(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D] *** vsmith, are you a professional comedian?

And I didn't know this thread even existed. Good thing I lerked around.

[zardoz]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[zardoz]

It's been a rocky week for the Stock Market. Here's a summary: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Ticonderoga Pencils lost a few points. Though Elevators rose, escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. The market for raisins dried up. Pampers remained unchanged. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Birds Eye Peas Split. Stanley Tools filed for Chapter 11 and Scott Tissues touched a new bottom.

[zardoz]

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

[zardoz]

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

[zardoz]

To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary
(Your Wife)

[Anonymous]

Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
=============================

10. e-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 sign your cat has learned your internet password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post!

~~~~~~~~~~

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

[dmoore74]

For St. Patrick's Day

One day, an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long it has been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask and takes a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde starts to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Saints preserve us! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there."

Golfers do have priorities.

[Anonymous]

New Darwin Award nominee:
http://www.leenks.com/link11241.htm

[vsmith]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it." jd,

"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the*** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the*** out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an *** and a briefcase."

[zardoz]

Three (natural) blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder. St. Peter said, "Very good." Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

[zardoz]

A young nun who worked for a local home healthcare agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it
would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!"

[Anonymous]

one day while working on the railroad Jimbo see's Bubba pull up in a brand new SD70 ACE Jimbo ask Bubba where you git dat nu loco at
Bubba replies from that nu lady engineer suzy
Jimbo says i new she wuz gitin sweet wis you well whut she sayz
Bubba replied well we wuz bout 5 miles fromz thu yaad and she stops thu loco
& gits out then she take all her cloths off an sez Bubba if you see sumtin youz want well take it so i took this loco
Jimbo replies thats sum good thinkin cuz nun them clothes wuz gonna fits you[:D]

[locomutt]

Guys, this is going to be a long read. Tried to post the link, and when I checked it,
it brought up something else entirely. So here goes:

S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN; Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed
explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifi-
cally, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim
form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize
now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more
fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed
to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger
joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in
which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the
toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthink-
ingly, I immediately, and with unnesessary force, returned the lid back to its normal
position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certains parts of my body, which were
still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and it's main body. Feeling
such intense and immediate pain cause me to jump back. It quickly came to my
attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmovable object, it
is not a good idea to jump in the poposite direction. Upon recovering some of
my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been
sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a
hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intened to try
to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.

Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manor
as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that
this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the
manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys.
Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing
no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a
fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news team. They guys from
the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.
The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts
to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. His
discovery was bny means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the
one that I wasin. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was
less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who
semed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the
device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to
cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have
realized that in cutting the device fromthewall several things would also inevitably
happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items
inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing
things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And,
third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cuts through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief
time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed
inside of the device.

The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance
as stated on your form. Due to the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable
to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought
best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely,
S.C. Anderson