Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!
QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68 <I don't think I posted this before - got it from a friend> People under 30... People over 35 should be dead. Here's why .. According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, ... and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them! Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!! People under 30 are WIMPS
QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1 How about this: what weighs nearly half a ton when nursing, is a duck on land, and penguin in the water
QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1 QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod Is there a picture in the "Adults Only" thread? There was once a young wacky teenager who decided he would have a little 'fun' After his little 'fun' he found out that in his lower vicinities that he needed a little colonge only find out and realize he would need all of the big bottle to hide 'it' In pulling up his friction pins static electricity was created and quite unfortunately caught fire with force of a cherry bomb Nevertheless he still could attract chicks with a high degree of turnover. Ever wonder what teens do in their spare time when they're not playing with trains?
QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1 Originally posted by Sterling1 QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod *These quotes are off of the Riddle forum on trains.com* Eventhough these came from our sister forum,which is good, THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE!!!![:D] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! Junctionfan Member sinceFebruary 2004 From: St.Catharines, Ontario 3,770 posts Posted by Junctionfan on Saturday, October 30, 2004 6:12 PM Heard a funny joke today. Woman wins the lottery. Man asks her what does she plan to do with that money. Woman says she always wanted to take a bath in milk. The man asks "pasterized ?" Woman responds "no just to my breasts" Andrew locomutt Member sinceSeptember 2003 From: Louisville,Ky. 5,077 posts Posted by locomutt on Saturday, October 30, 2004 6:14 PM Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes This is worth sharing. [8D] Grandpa's Hand JIM, That one is worth more than "SHARING"[^] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Monday, November 1, 2004 4:44 PM Twick or Tweat One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman, looks in her bag and looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my freaking cookies!" Edit railman Member sinceJanuary 2001 From: Midwest 718 posts Posted by railman on Monday, November 1, 2004 5:04 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt Well,this one's a little bit of a "groaner",but Junctionfan should get a kick out of it. Try:http://www.funny-city.com/jokes/beethoven_symphonies.shtml this one is so...bad. In a good way. zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 8:13 AM An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, in his mid-60's, with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave lotion, presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge in a major city. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, early 60's, also well dressed and attractive, sitting alone. The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So, tell me, do I come here often?" Junctionfan Member sinceFebruary 2004 From: St.Catharines, Ontario 3,770 posts Posted by Junctionfan on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 10:06 AM Ralph Nader has won the 2004 election. Please don't all laugh at once......... Andrew zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 10:54 AM Lame joke of the month: Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay (free to lay).' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a COMMON TATER (commentator). CShaveRR Member sinceJune 2001 From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois 13,681 posts Posted by CShaveRR on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 11:06 AM Sorry, folks, if she only has eyes for Brokaw, you'll have to thicken your skins and deal with it. Let's just hope she'll be more than appealing to him! She'd be a candied Yam if he were her sugar daddy. Carl Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!) CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM) zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 11:09 AM A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving!! zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 9:10 AM Hilarious Classified Ads FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites ================= FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog ================= FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog ================= GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free ================= FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile.. Better be reward. ================= COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale. ================= NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby ================= GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. ================= NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once ================= JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 ================= FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything. espeefoamer Member sinceNovember 2003 From: West Coast 4,122 posts Posted by espeefoamer on Thursday, December 2, 2004 4:27 PM Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"? Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool. Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:22 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz Sending Old Men To War If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough o be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee. If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes. Nice one zardoz I don't want to send and pay money to a bunch of jack___ who fund terrorists just to get oil to gas up our cars and our lifestyles . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:33 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real... http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg Listen SHUT up! no really I have seen it before but to peal back my mind would put you in both stiches and in contispation . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:36 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz Hilarious Classified Ads FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites ================= FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog ================= FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog ================= GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free ================= FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile.. Better be reward. ================= COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale. ================= NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby ================= GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. ================= NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once ================= JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 ================= FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything. [(-D][(-D] Actually from my local newspaper: "WANTED: Taxi driver, miust have driver license and criminal record" Edit Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:49 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1 Originally posted by Sterling1 QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod *These quotes are off of the Riddle forum on trains.com* Eventhough these came from our sister forum,which is good, THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE!!!![:D] Ah yes the junk fro mlong ago, wonder if I should dispose of it? "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:52 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving!! Chukle ha ha ha ahahah gruntle tcuckle . . . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:55 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"? Nice one Sp foamer . . . . . glycerin slurry on the floor . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:56 PM Over in' out . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:12 AM This isn't funny as in, "HAHA", but I wanted to share it and did not know where else to post it. Ironic, isn't it, that we pay a bunch of muscle-bound guys millions of dollars each year to entertain us, but we pay the people responsible for educating our children and helping to create our future such a small wage. SICK OF THOSE HIGH PAID TEACHERS? I, for one, am sick and tired of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do...baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right...I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be 15 dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now, how many do they teach in a day.... maybe 25. Then that's 15 X 25=$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... *that's 375 180=$67,500.0 (Hold on, my calculator must need batteries!) What about those special teachers or the ones with master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour. That would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days =$135,000.00 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!!! There sure is, huh????!! Make a teacher smile, send this to him or her! zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:25 AM Dear Dog and/or Cat: When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. [Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that especially pleasing in the slightest.] The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. [I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.] My compact discs are not miniature frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get you paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. [In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years, Canine or Feline attendance is not mandatory.] To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: >> >> 1. They live here; you don't. >> >> 2. If you don't want their hair on you clothes, stay off the furniture. >> >> 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. >> >> 4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with wannabe gangsters, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. « First«67686970717273»Last » Join our Community! Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account. 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Originally posted by Sterling1 QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod *These quotes are off of the Riddle forum on trains.com*
Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes This is worth sharing. [8D] Grandpa's Hand JIM, That one is worth more than "SHARING"[^] Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!! Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Monday, November 1, 2004 4:44 PM Twick or Tweat One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman, looks in her bag and looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my freaking cookies!" Edit railman Member sinceJanuary 2001 From: Midwest 718 posts Posted by railman on Monday, November 1, 2004 5:04 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt Well,this one's a little bit of a "groaner",but Junctionfan should get a kick out of it. Try:http://www.funny-city.com/jokes/beethoven_symphonies.shtml this one is so...bad. In a good way. zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 8:13 AM An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, in his mid-60's, with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave lotion, presenting a well-cared-for image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge in a major city. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, early 60's, also well dressed and attractive, sitting alone. The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So, tell me, do I come here often?" Junctionfan Member sinceFebruary 2004 From: St.Catharines, Ontario 3,770 posts Posted by Junctionfan on Wednesday, November 3, 2004 10:06 AM Ralph Nader has won the 2004 election. Please don't all laugh at once......... Andrew zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 10:54 AM Lame joke of the month: Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay (free to lay).' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a COMMON TATER (commentator). CShaveRR Member sinceJune 2001 From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois 13,681 posts Posted by CShaveRR on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 11:06 AM Sorry, folks, if she only has eyes for Brokaw, you'll have to thicken your skins and deal with it. Let's just hope she'll be more than appealing to him! She'd be a candied Yam if he were her sugar daddy. Carl Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!) CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM) zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 11:09 AM A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving!! zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 9:10 AM Hilarious Classified Ads FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites ================= FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog ================= FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog ================= GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free ================= FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile.. Better be reward. ================= COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale. ================= NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby ================= GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. ================= NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once ================= JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 ================= FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything. espeefoamer Member sinceNovember 2003 From: West Coast 4,122 posts Posted by espeefoamer on Thursday, December 2, 2004 4:27 PM Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"? Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool. Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:22 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz Sending Old Men To War If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough o be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee. If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes. Nice one zardoz I don't want to send and pay money to a bunch of jack___ who fund terrorists just to get oil to gas up our cars and our lifestyles . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:33 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real... http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg Listen SHUT up! no really I have seen it before but to peal back my mind would put you in both stiches and in contispation . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Anonymous Member sinceApril 2003 305,205 posts Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:36 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz Hilarious Classified Ads FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites ================= FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog ================= FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog ================= GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free ================= FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile.. Better be reward. ================= COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale. ================= NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby ================= GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. ================= NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once ================= JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 ================= FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything. [(-D][(-D] Actually from my local newspaper: "WANTED: Taxi driver, miust have driver license and criminal record" Edit Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:49 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1 Originally posted by Sterling1 QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod *These quotes are off of the Riddle forum on trains.com* Eventhough these came from our sister forum,which is good, THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE!!!![:D] Ah yes the junk fro mlong ago, wonder if I should dispose of it? "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:52 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving!! Chukle ha ha ha ahahah gruntle tcuckle . . . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:55 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"? Nice one Sp foamer . . . . . glycerin slurry on the floor . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:56 PM Over in' out . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:12 AM This isn't funny as in, "HAHA", but I wanted to share it and did not know where else to post it. Ironic, isn't it, that we pay a bunch of muscle-bound guys millions of dollars each year to entertain us, but we pay the people responsible for educating our children and helping to create our future such a small wage. SICK OF THOSE HIGH PAID TEACHERS? I, for one, am sick and tired of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do...baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right...I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be 15 dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now, how many do they teach in a day.... maybe 25. Then that's 15 X 25=$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... *that's 375 180=$67,500.0 (Hold on, my calculator must need batteries!) What about those special teachers or the ones with master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour. That would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days =$135,000.00 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!!! There sure is, huh????!! Make a teacher smile, send this to him or her! zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:25 AM Dear Dog and/or Cat: When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. [Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that especially pleasing in the slightest.] The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. [I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.] My compact discs are not miniature frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get you paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. [In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years, Canine or Feline attendance is not mandatory.] To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: >> >> 1. They live here; you don't. >> >> 2. If you don't want their hair on you clothes, stay off the furniture. >> >> 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. >> >> 4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with wannabe gangsters, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. « First«67686970717273»Last » Join our Community! Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account. Login » Register » Search the Community Newsletter Sign-Up By signing up you may also receive occasional reader surveys and special offers from Trains magazine.Please view our privacy policy More great sites from Kalmbach Media Terms Of Use | Privacy Policy | Copyright Policy
QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt Well,this one's a little bit of a "groaner",but Junctionfan should get a kick out of it. Try:http://www.funny-city.com/jokes/beethoven_symphonies.shtml
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz Sending Old Men To War If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough o be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee. If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real... http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz Hilarious Classified Ads FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites ================= FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog ================= FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog ================= GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free ================= FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile.. Better be reward. ================= COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale. ================= NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby ================= GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. ================= NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once ================= JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 ================= FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1 Originally posted by Sterling1 QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod *These quotes are off of the Riddle forum on trains.com* Eventhough these came from our sister forum,which is good, THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE!!!![:D] Ah yes the junk fro mlong ago, wonder if I should dispose of it? "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:52 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving!! Chukle ha ha ha ahahah gruntle tcuckle . . . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:55 PM QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"? Nice one Sp foamer . . . . . glycerin slurry on the floor . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] Sterling1 Member sinceFebruary 2002 From: Traveling in Middle Earth 795 posts Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:56 PM Over in' out . . . "There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.] zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:12 AM This isn't funny as in, "HAHA", but I wanted to share it and did not know where else to post it. Ironic, isn't it, that we pay a bunch of muscle-bound guys millions of dollars each year to entertain us, but we pay the people responsible for educating our children and helping to create our future such a small wage. SICK OF THOSE HIGH PAID TEACHERS? I, for one, am sick and tired of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do...baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage. That's right...I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be 15 dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now, how many do they teach in a day.... maybe 25. Then that's 15 X 25=$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... *that's 375 180=$67,500.0 (Hold on, my calculator must need batteries!) What about those special teachers or the ones with master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour. That would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days =$135,000.00 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!!! There sure is, huh????!! Make a teacher smile, send this to him or her! zardoz Member sinceJanuary 2003 From: Kenosha, WI 6,567 posts Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:25 AM Dear Dog and/or Cat: When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. [Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that especially pleasing in the slightest.] The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. [I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.] My compact discs are not miniature frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get you paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. [In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years, Canine or Feline attendance is not mandatory.] To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: >> >> 1. They live here; you don't. >> >> 2. If you don't want their hair on you clothes, stay off the furniture. >> >> 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. >> >> 4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with wannabe gangsters, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results. « First«67686970717273»Last » Join our Community! Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account. Login » Register » Search the Community Newsletter Sign-Up By signing up you may also receive occasional reader surveys and special offers from Trains magazine.Please view our privacy policy More great sites from Kalmbach Media Terms Of Use | Privacy Policy | Copyright Policy
QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1 Originally posted by Sterling1 QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod *These quotes are off of the Riddle forum on trains.com* Eventhough these came from our sister forum,which is good, THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE!!!![:D]
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" Happy Thanksgiving!!
QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"?
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