Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Noah Hofrichter]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Who knows the lyrics to this song?

I broke my bat on Johnny's heaed.. somebody snitched on me....


NOW someone must know this song...

Let see, I had that song partially memorised around christmas time.....

These aren't necessarily in order though.

I put a bug in sisters hair...........somebody snitched on me.......

I put a tack on teachers chair...........somebody snicthed on me........

And then the ending is:

(Santa like sliegh bells ring) He's here he's here! I thought he wasn't comming, I though he wasn't comming!!! Man: Where's the silver. Kid: In the ususal spot. My cut? Man: The usual. Kid: Join me in a chours? Man: why not? Both: I'm gettin' nothin' for christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad.... I'm gettin' nothin' for christmas, 'cause I ain't been nothin' but bad.....

And truthfully tht's all I remember. Now you've got me singing the tune over and over!! There's got to be a place on the internet with the lyrics, huh? I'll have to go look, cause I'm curious now.


Locomutt, that's great! Haven't heard that one before, but I love it.

Noah

[Noah Hofrichter]

Well here's most of it anyway. But it doesn't include the part I posted above, I must have heard a different version

Nuttin' For Christmas

By S. Tepper, R. Bennett (c) 1955

I broke my bat on Johnny's head;
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in sister's bed;
Somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug;
I made Tommy eat a bug;
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I put a tack on teacher's chair
somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair
somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants
climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled the sugar bowl with ants
somebody snitched on me.

So, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I won't be seeing Santa Claus;
Somebody snitched on me.
He won't come visit me because
Somebody snitched on me.
Next year I'll be going straight;
Next year I'll be good, just wait
I'd start now, but it's too late;
Somebody snitched on me.

So you better be good whatever you do
'Cause if you're bad, I'm warning you,
You'll get nuttin' for Christmas.

[vsmith]

Thats my girl!


Daddy's Little Girl

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father

that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since

Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,

"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God

would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish

girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to

think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a

little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,

he'd love everyone a lot. And then! he'd start going all over the place

to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone

anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with

newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open,

the Marines could blow the **** out of him!

[Anonymous]

A police officer got tired of his partner sacking out in the passenger seat on night shifts. They worked in a lakeside town so one night he pulled the cruiser out onto the pier. He then shone his huge 6-cell flashlight in his sleeping partner's face, blew frantically on the cruiser horn and yelled at the top of his lungs, "HOLY S**T ! A TRAIN ! JUMP!!!"
His befuddled partner took the warning at face value, flung open the door and threw himself into four feet of frigid lake water.

[espeefoamer]

vsmith: I'm really LMAO over that joke[:D]!

[Anonymous]

ROFLMAO

Both of the previous two jokes are pretty good.


Here are a few more. [:D]



Kids Say the Darnest Things

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about
saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the
young son of the minister of that church, so she
started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what
does your father say when the family sits down to
dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter,
kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"

******************************************************

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got
to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does
Daddy have such little hair on his head?"

"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased
with herself for coming up with a such good answer to
her husband's baldness.

"Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little
Johnny.

"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother....

******************************************************

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy,
about six years old. Something of his had found its
way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two
additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a
baseball-sized hole.

"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked
the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window,
and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must
have thrown it right through that hole!"

[locomutt]

UH,Huh,which one of those were you going to "fess" up to[?][:D][}:)]

Me: that one was easy,the third one.[:D]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

An Oldie,But Goldie

FROG LOAN

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller,whose name
is Patrica Whack.

'Ms Whack' he says,'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.'

Patti furrows her brow and asks,'Well,how much do you want
to borrow?'

'$30,000,'the frog says.

The teller writes this down,then asks his name.

'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.'

'Really?' she asks,eyebrows raised.

'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces
a tiny pink porcelain elephant. 'and I want to use this as
collateral.'

'Ummm,okay,Patti says,accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to
ask the manager about this.'

'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.'

Patti walks into the bank manager's office and explains the
situation. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat.
He wants to use this' -she holds up the tiny pink elephant-'as
collateral. I mean,what the heck is this thing?'

The manager says: 'It's a knick knack,Patti Whack. Give the frog
a loan. His old man's a rolling stone.'

Do Not Throw Rotten Vegatables!

[:D]

Sawed-off shotgun might be more appropriate[:0]

[Anonymous]

Things to do to your colleagues while they're away.

http://www.dahdistributing.com/evilofficedecorations/

[Anonymous]

Three little boys were bragging about how tough they
were. "I'm so tough," said the first boy, "that I can
wear out a pair of shoes in a week."

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I
can wear out a pair of jeans in a day."

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents
take me to see my grandma and grampa, I can wear them
out in a hour."

******************************************************
A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat
of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple
turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin
off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the
air, which caused it to oxidize. That changes the
molecular structure and turns it into a different
color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly,
"Daddy, are you talking to me?

******************************************************
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the
teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy
held up four fingers.

"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you
be 5?"

The child stared at her and after a few seconds
replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

******************************************************

Having lost weight over the past few years, I was
discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit.
My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a
huge pair of slacks.

"Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was
163."

My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are
you now?"

[Mikeygaw]

Genuine happiness is when a wife see's a double chin on her husbands old girlfriend
-mamarocks.com

[Mikeygaw]

not really funny but humor related... the passing of comic Rodney Dangerfield

http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/fc/Entertainment/rodney_dangerfield/rodney_dangerfield__1921_2004_/*http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20041006/ap_en_ce/obit_dangerfield_2

[Anonymous]

I wonder if Mikey put a space in that link if the link would still work? Sure would help the page not to be so w i d e.


A friend who retired from work about a year ago sent me this one.


Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you

pull up to a red light. Look at the guy in the car

next to you, roll down your window really fast (like

you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls his

window down.....look at him and yell..... "Oh, did

you fart too?"

[zardoz]

QUESTIONS: (warning--#2 is rather lame)


1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing
was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual
though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything
odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so
without any coaching!

Tune in Thursday for the answers.

[zardoz]

No one asked for them, (Ed might find them interesting) but here are some little known Texas facts.

Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles

Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles

World's first rodeo was in Pecos . . . July 4, 1883 .

The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.

The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University , Houston .

Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.

Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.

Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.

The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island .

The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969 , was "Houston."

El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas .

Laredo is the world's largest inland port..

Tyler Municipal Rose Garden is the world's largest rose garden with over 38,000 bushes with 500 varieties on 22 acres.

The State shell is Lightning Whelk.

King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island

Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.

Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)

A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.

Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.

Texas has had six capital cities . . .
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin

The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).

The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends. Tejas is not Mexican for Texas .

The State animal is the Armadillo. *

The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston

*An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females. Well . . . I thought it was interesting anyway!

[zardoz]

Sending Old Men To War

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough o be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until
you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other
hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt
through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the
old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually
carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.

He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

[zardoz]

Have you looked at others your own age and thought, "Surely I can't look that old?

You may enjoy this short story...

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971, why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, and then he asked, "What did you teach?"

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUESTIONS: (warning--#2 is rather lame)


1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

The room with the dead lions

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

she took a photo of him

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

my wife?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

labor day weekend

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing
was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual
though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything
odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so
without any coaching!

no e's.

Tune in Thursday for the answers.

[Noah Hofrichter]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUESTIONS: (warning--#2 is rather lame)

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

Charcoal

the only one I got, assuming dharmon's answers are correct,

Noah

[CShaveRR]

I think the correct answer to the fourth question is "Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow." Though "Labor Day Weekend" also seems to work, it probably isn't general enough.

[cherokee woman]

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it and grey when you throw it away: the answer could also be COAL.

[angel]

[zardoz]

We have some winners:

dharmon has 1, 2, &5 correct, and has come up with a perfectly good alternate answer to #4. (#3 may be correct in your case)

Noah has #3 "officially" correct; and CW also has a correct alternate answer.

CShaveRR has the "offically" correct answer to #4.

I'm impressed!

[zardoz]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure...go ahead, if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and looked at the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60, 000"
MAN: OK, but for that price I want all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer - but don't offer more than $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later, honey! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

not really funny but humor related... the passing of comic Rodney Dangerfield

http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/fc/Entertainment/rodney_dangerfield/rodney_dangerfield__1921_2004_/*http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20041006/ap_en_ce/obit_dangerfield_2

I hope he gets some respect whever he landed.

[zardoz]

Some kid's jokes with a sort-of 'religious' theme (if you are sensitive to this sort of stuff, please ignore):
#9660;
#9660;
#9660;
#9660;
#9660;
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
=================================================================
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
======================================================================
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."
=====================================================================


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
============================================================================
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
==================================================================
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
=============================================================================

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

We have some winners:

dharmon has 1, 2, &5 correct, and has come up with a perfectly good alternate answer to #4. (#3 may be correct in your case)

Noah has #3 "officially" correct; and CW also has a correct alternate answer.

CShaveRR has the "offically" correct answer to #4.

I'm impressed!

Question #4
What about October 6, October 7 and October 8?

[Noah Hofrichter]

I thought of the same thing Tom mentioned, I assume this would be good too right?

Noah

[Anonymous]

The Blonde Examination!

A pretty young blonde woman was visiting her new
doctor for the first time found herself alone in a
small waiting room.

She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for
the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last
of her garments on the back of a chair, a light rap
sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude
patient up and down carefully and with considerable
appreciation.

Miss Jones" he said finally, "it seems quite obvious
to me that until today you have never undergone an eye
examination!"

[Anonymous]

A little history for this day, I hope you all enjoy history as much as I do. [:)]

October 11

1919 The famed jazz drummer Art Blakey is born.

1945 Nationalist leader Chiang Kai-shek, and Communist leader Mao Tse-tung have a breakdown in their negotiations. Soon, Nationalist and Communist troops are engaged in a civil war.

1968 Apollo 7, the first manned Apollo mission, is successfully launched from Cape Kenne

From the Centrum "This Day In History" website.

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by talbanese

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

We have some winners:

dharmon has 1, 2, &5 correct, and has come up with a perfectly good alternate answer to #4. (#3 may be correct in your case)

Noah has #3 "officially" correct; and CW also has a correct alternate answer.

CShaveRR has the "offically" correct answer to #4.

I'm impressed!

Question #4
What about October 6, October 7 and October 8?

That would be SIX words (yes, I know that perhaps technically a number is not a word, unless it is seven ,eight, etc...)